Forget
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
I've been desperate to write something for the Chronicles of Narnia for ages and everything I start grinds to a sudden halt within a few pages and then inspiration for this suddenly struck me and I kept writing until I felt it was finished- it is very short.
It always annoyed me how Peter and Susan weren't allowed to return after PC and Susan didn't even make it back for the Last Battle. I know C. had a point to make about not believing and all but it does seem to me that he just couldn't be bothered to write Susan's character in. I could ramble on for much longer on this subject but will let you get on with my version of Susan's reason for not believing.
It doesn't flow well but my ideas were coming out sporadically and had to be written. I also think it fits as for someone grieving like her thoughts don't flow.
She wanted to forget. Forget everything. But she couldn't. The animals, trees, plants, rivers, Cair Paravel, Aslan's How, Mr Tumnus, the Beavers, Trumpkin, Aslan, Caspian were all still fresh in her memory, more alive and real to her than anything in the present time.
But everything had been more alive in Narnia. The magic was everywhere. The animals laughed and talked, the trees whispered and danced. And she wanted to be there. Her heart had ached as they had they had left Narnia with a quick glance over her shoulder. There hadn't been the time for any lingering looks.
The moment she had heard of Edmund and Lucy's trip on the Voyage Treader she had disappeared from the room throwing herself onto her bed crying and screaming into her pillow. She had hated Aslan at that moment. She still did.
She had loved him ever since they first entered Narnia even before she had met him. And she hadn't stopped until he had sent her back. Back for ever. It had grown upon her gradually. Since her own return from Narnia she had still entertained a thought that she might return but Lucy and Edmund's trip there had cemented it firmly in her mind that she wasn't.
They weren't either now. But it didn't matter now. They all coped. Lucy still believed that they would see Aslan again once their time in their world was over. Edmund believed whatever Lucy believed and Peter remembered fondly their time in Narnia and while he had bad days he had found a balance between remembering and living.
But try as she might Susan couldn't find a balance. For a few months she had sunk into her memories. The others had worried but then again they had been drowning in memories too. But when the Pevensives were officially banned from Narnia she realised she couldn't spend her time living in another world.
And the only way to stop herself from doing this was to pretend that Narnia didn't exist. That it had never happened and that she didn't believe. And so she pretended to forget. And she fooled everyone. Including her siblings.
They hated her now. Peter and Edmund alternated between glaring at her and sending her disappointed looks while Lucy tried desperately to get her to 'remember'. At this point she usually snapped spitting out harsh words without thinking and then disappeared to cry as the memories flooded back.
After a while they stopped seeing her. The most she got from any of them was a Christmas card one from all three of them written by Lucy and signed by Edmund and Peter. She hated herself for what she had done to them. She still loved them and hoped they still loved her; she doubted it.
One Christmas there was no card waiting for her when she got home. She spent Christmas with friends as usual seeing her siblings, Caspian and Narnians instead. The following day she received a letter announcing the horrific train crash that had left no survivors; her siblings had been in it.
She had slid to the floor burying her face in her hands as she sobbed hysterically. For they were in Narnia now and she had been left behind. They were with Caspian. They were with Aslan. But mostly she cried for her siblings.
For Peter, her only protector. For Edmund, her brave solider. And for Lucy her baby sister. She remembered playing with them, fighting with them, protecting them, loving them. The memories flooded back as she wailed.
And she sunk again into memories. Not just of Narnia and Caspian but of Peter, Edmund and Lucy. Of them in Narnia and of them in England. Of Lucy's first day at school where she had to be persuaded to let go of Susan's hand. Of Edmund's first football match where he had ended up with a nosebleed. Of Peter's sixteenth birthday where they celebrated long into the evening.
Of Lucy's first ball where she tripped over the hem of her dress. Of Edmund's first trial where he lived up to his name of the just King. Of Peter's first battle as High King where he fought so bravely for them all.
Of their coronation, first Christmas with baby Lucy, of pillow fights, of food fights and of laughter.
She loved Narnia; but so often the things you love ruin you. And Narnia had ruined her. She was a shell of who she was. An empty burnt out shell who ached and grieved for the people she loved.
All she wanted was for Lucy to tell her that Aslan was always there for them ,looking over them, loving them. For Edmund to make her laugh without meaning too and shy away from her mothering and affection. And for Peter to tell her that everything would be ok. For them to tell her that they loved her. So she could tell them back.
All she wanted was her siblings.
Thanks so much for reading; your thoughts would be much appreciated.
Tacxxx