disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel. No copyright infringement intended.

Many thanks to MaryJay13 for translating this fic into English.

Pacifist

It's past midnight. No, make that two a.m. I really didn't see time fly by, as often when I engulf myself in a science project. I'm hungry. Maybe I can still have some pizza delivered at this hour.

Pizza... I didn't really like it as a child. In fact, I didn't like anything the kids my age liked. I was this solitary little boy who preferred to hide in his corner and observe insects instead of playing and fighting with others. I felt alone, different. The other boys my age all wanted to play tough, and I didn't. That's why they all rejected me.

When I was eight, I did an oral presentation on ants in front of the class. I claimed that if our society was based on theirs, we could reduce hospital costs and pollution, and increase the well-being of all humans. I was really proud of my project but nobody understood anything about it. Everybody laughed and called me "Ant-Man" for a week after that.

The teacher kept me after class. She told me my presentation was at least college-level and that if, as I had said at least ten times already, nobody had helped me, I absolutely had to skip grades. This is how I skipped several grades. Everybody was then calling me "the little nerd" and I could never feel close to any of those teenagers all older than me. I fared no better with the teachers; one of them once told me, and I quote: "stop being such a show-off". As if I had chosen to be too smart for my age! I was working, dreaming, alone in the back corner, and I thought that one day, I would find my place somewhere.

Then there was university, my research... And then I met Janet. She was this warm and outgoing girl, the girl that everybody liked and who talked to everybody, and me, the clumsy geek incapable of holding my end of a normal conversation. Really looks like the improbable couple, doesn't it? Still, we connected. I'll spare you the details of our first meeting. Yet, a few years later, we were working in tandem: I was doing research while she took care of the money and managed my schedule.

Jan managed to make me meet incredible people, like Tony Stark and Nick Fury. Oh, I know what you all think: what would a dreamer like me could possibly find in those two men who are not really into humanitarian work? Well, let's just say I appreciated their intelligence and their determination, and that I've sometimes been wrong about them. Happens to everybody, doesn't it?

I helped Fury design a miniature prison. I devoted a huge amount of both time and passion to this project because I really thought I could help rehabilitate criminals incarcerated there. I thought it would be beneficial to everybody. I also worked with Stark on Ultron, a robot of my creation. That's when I hit my first wall: Tony sold it without my authorization.

It really disgusted me. I thought to retire and fly to the end of the world but Jan convinced me otherwise. I still remember what she told me: "It's not because you've had problems that you should give up. You have an incredible mind, so use it. Try something else!"

That's all Janet. Sometimes, when she's talking to you, you get the feeling that you're the most important person in the whole world. I informed her of my intention to go study vibranium in Wakanda, while thanking her and telling her I would miss her. To my utter surprise, she decided to follow me along, knowing she'd miss on all the shopping and parties that she loved so much. At that time, I should have realized there was something special between the two of us.

We spent time over there. I made some of the most interesting discoveries of my life. Even so, I don't know which are the best memories I keep from my time in Wakanda: the discoveries of the chromosomic particularities of local insects or the more intimate moments Jan and I shared together. She sometimes was forcing me to take a break and go get some coffee. We would talk and joke around. It was in those moments that I just wanted to kiss her so badly.

We got back to the U.S. Then came the Breakout. I never told anyone but it was one of the most shocking moments of my life. I had helped design this prison, after all. I really thought nobody could escape from it. Even worse, I had spent time with some of the prisoners there and vaguely thought they would spare me, or at least ignore me. My ideals got knocked pretty hard that day.

Janet was all excited to be part of the Avengers. Not me. For once, I felt a hundred times more of a realist and less of a dreamer than she was. I didn't have anything in common with any of my teammates, except for Jan. I felt incapable of thinking alike. In those conditions, how could we pretend to be a team?

I already told you about my relationship with Tony, the play-boy inventor billionaire and self-proclaimed philanthropist. I still appreciated his intelligence, but his total lack of humanity was sometimes irritating. It was even worse with Hulk. Or simpler, I'm not sure. His two favourite activities consisted in eating and smashing, which shortened considerably the conversations. Ironically, I admired Bruce Banner but never could really speak to him. Hawkeye's conversations were also somewhat limited. I have absolutely nothing against those three, we simply just weren't on the same page.

On the other hand, I was getting along pretty fine with Captain America. We didn't have much in common but he always had an « old and wise » side to him that I secretly admired. He came knocking on the door to my lab one day, offering to coach me during training sessions. I guess it was a polite way for him to tell me he thought I wasn't pulling my own weight in a fight, but he did help me make progress. He was a very good teacher, demanding but understanding. We got along well despite our differences.

I had the same kind of polite good-term relationship with T'Challa, apart from the fact that he spoke only when he felt it was absolutely necessary, which was not often. Thor was the opposite: he talked a lot. I thought at first that I had absolutely nothing in common with him until he admitted that he had a huge crush on a New York paramedic. He didn't dare say "I love you" to his Jane, neither did I dare say "I love you" to my Jan. Maybe we were more alike than I first thought...

And there came the day when Ultron went haywire. I can't help thinking that had I been more careful, all this would never have happened. He could have killed all of us that day. He almost got Thor, as well as his girl-friend who was also in the mansion. Not only do I stink at my non-relationship, but I almost destroy others'.

I've long held back, and then decided to simply turn the page. Anyway, I didn't have anything to do amongst them. Now I'm happy to have quit. There's nobody here to interrupt me in the middle of an experiment, or to tell me that violence is the solution to everything. I can work without being disturbed. Alright, maybe I miss my old lab at the mansion. Maybe I'd like for Jan to slip from behind and wrap her arms around me as she sometimes used to. Alright, I admit, I miss her.

She's probably having fun with other people right now. I can do nothing about it. Jan is like a butterfly, you just can't stop her from buzzing around. All I can do is hope she'll come back buzzing my way.

To be continued...