Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Posthumus Zone" by E.S. Posthumus
SEASON 4
EPISODE 7
"Super Bowl Cum-Day III: The Story Box"
Airdate: January 31, 2016
Special Guest Stars: Kurt Russell as Himself, James Brown as Himself, Jim Nantz as Himself, Phil Simms as Himself, Tracy Wolfson as Herself
OPENING SEQUENCE
Levi's Stadium
Interior Football Field
Santa Clara, California
Kurt Russell walks onto an empty football field with sunglasses and a leather jacket on. He slowly takes off his sunglasses and then snaps his fingers, causing "Posthumus Zone" to start playing in the background.
KURT RUSSELL: Alright, let's get one thing out of the way here. The Super Bowl, the single biggest day in sports. Got it? It all started in 1967, back when it was the NFL against the AFL.
Highlights are then shown of the very first Super Bowl between the NFL champion Green Bay Packers and the AFL champion Kansas City Chiefs.
KURT RUSSELL: And since then, millions of people have tuned in year after year to witness a spectacle unlike any other.
A series of clips show Joe Namath sticking his finger up in the air at the end of Super Bowl III, Joe Montana's touchdown pass to John Taylor in Super Bowl XXIII, Scott Norwood's botched field goal attempt at Super Bowl XXV, Michael Jackson performing at Super Bowl XXVII, John Elway holding up the Vince Lombardi Trophy at the end of Super Bowl XXXII, Mike Jones tackling Kevin Dyson on the last play of Super Bowl XXXIV, Adam Vinatieri's game-winning field goal in Super Bowl XXXVIII, David Tyree's helmet catch during Super Bowl XLII, Santonio Holmes' game-winning touchdown reception in Super Bowl XLIII, and Malcolm Butler's famous interception from Super Bowl XLIX a year ago.
KURT RUSSELL: This year's Super Bowl is the golden one. You have a legendary quarterback looking for one last ring, combined with a defense that will leave you running home to your mother...
A clip is shown of Peyton Manning raising up the Lombardi Trophy after Super Bowl XLI, along with highlights of the Denver Broncos' defensive performance throughout the 2015 NFL season, along with the AFC Championship Game.
KURT RUSSELL: An unstoppable force on all sides, led by the most explosive quarterback we have seen in quite some time.
Highlights are then shown of the Carolina Panthers' season, especially of Cam Newton, and the team celebrating with the George Halas Trophy at the end of the NFC Championship Game.
KURT RUSSELL: Fifty years of rich football history, and to top it off, you have five little kids telling stories.
A single spotlight shines on each member of the group as they toss around or hold up a football with the Super Bowl 50 logo on it, looking intensely at the camera. Sparky and RK are wearing Broncos jerseys, while Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn are wearing Panthers jerseys.
KURT RUSSELL: So how about it, Santa Clara? A legend, a legend in the making, the fiftieth big game ever played, 22 minutes of animated comedy, and one trophy.
The spotlight shines on the Vince Lombardi Trophy painted gold. Sparky walks up to it looking confused.
SPARKY: Wasn't this silver before?
The camera pulls back to reveal Buster nervously holding a can of gold paint and a paintbrush.
BUSTER: It was for promotional reasons.
KURT RUSSELL: What more can I say except bring it on...and welcome to an all-new episode of Thank You, Heavenly. It's show time.
At that point, the Pepsi logo merges with the Super Bowl 50 logo to create the all-gold episode logo: The Pepsi globe and the Vince Lombardi Trophy in the center as Levi's Stadium acts as the logo's backdrop, with the phrase "Super Bowl" under the globe and trophy being replaced by "Super Bowl Cum-Day" and the Roman numeral "III" being placed directly underneath.
SCENE 1
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
9:23 PM - PACIFIC STANDARD TIME
FEBRUARY 6 - THE NIGHT BEFORE SUPER BOWL 50
Buster is on the couch watching a special edition of the NFL on CBS, live from Levi's Stadium.
JAMES BROWN: Well, we'll see what happens when the bets are placed tomorrow. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we will be back here tomorrow at noon for the six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. Interviews with the participating players and coaches, live musical performances, and some special guest appearances here in the booth. It all leads up to the kickoff of Super Bowl 50 between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos. For all of us here at my favorite television network, the Columbia Broadcasting System, I'm James Brown wishing you a pleasant evening and urging you all to tune in for the big game.
BUSTER: Man, I can't wait for tomorrow. Look at LPC. He's so excited, he's already sleeping.
LPC is sprawled across the floor asleep.
BUSTER: Hey! Maybe if I go to sleep early, I'll wake up early and that will give me more time to get ready for the game. Buster Newman, you've done it again with your bright ideas.
Buster carries LPC up the steps, places him on a rug near his bed, changes into his robot pajamas, and climbs into bed on the other side.
BUSTER: It's simple. I just close my eyes, and imagine I'm fighting the evil dragon meant to bring great shame to a civilization thousands of years from now.
SCENE 2
The Newman Condominium
Interior Master Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
10:23 PM
Buster is still awake, simply staring at the ceiling while under his covers.
BUSTER: Well, that didn't work. I don't get it, I should be dreaming about pie or cupcakes or bloodshed by now. Maybe I should try sleeping on my side.
Buster tries sleeping on his side, but immediately stops.
BUSTER: What kind of sick human being does this? Ugh, it's time to bring in the big guns.
The camera cuts to Sparky's house. Sparky is looking for the toothpaste in his bathroom cabinet but is unable to find it.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, do you know where the toothpaste is?!
BITCH CLOCK: YEAH, I WAS USING IT FOR...THIS OTHER THING...BUT I'LL BRING IT BACK!
SPARKY: You know what? Keep it, I'm flossing tonight.
BITCH CLOCK: Cool shit, man.
Sparky's phone starts ringing and he picks it up after seeing the caller ID.
SPARKY: Buster, what's up?
BUSTER: Sparky, I need your help! I can't sleep!
SPARKY: Oh, hell naw. The last time I tried helping you get to sleep, you kicked me halfway across the room.
BUSTER: I couldn't see, I thought you were trying to rob me.
SPARKY: How could I have robbed you if I was with you for 45 minutes before that?
BUSTER: I don't know, flapjack, that's what robbers do.
SPARKY: Look, man, I'd love to help you, but I'm going to sleep too. Ask one of the guys, I'm sure they can help.
Buster hangs up at that point and tries calling someone else. At that point, the camera cuts to a disinterested RK watching TV. The show he is watching appears to be Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, & Dawn.
DAWN: Look, guys, I'm sure that if we just pull together, we can make this a great birthday for Mom.
At that point, Dicky comes in the living room dressed as a Christmas tree.
DICKY: Alright, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready for the holidays.
DAWN: Dicky, why are you dressed like that?
DICKY: You said we were making a cake for Mom's Christmas party.
RICKY: She said her birthday party, not Christmas party.
DICKY: Well, at least I'm still festive.
There is uproarious laughter at Dicky's joke, causing RK to groan in annoyance. His phone rings at that point and he picks it up.
RK: I'm only going to say this one more time. YOU HAVE THE WRONG F***ING NUMBER, STOP CALLING ME!
BUSTER: What? RK, it's Buster.
RK: Oh shit. Sorry, man. Oh no, I thought you were this old Ecuadorian chick that keeps calling me thinking I'm her son.
BUSTER: I don't wanna ask. But look, I'm trying to go to sleep and I can't. My body is just too energetic. You think you can help me?
RK: Why are you going to sleep before midnight on a Saturday night? That's what noobs do.
BUSTER: The Super Bowl is tomorrow, I have to make sure I'm regular.
RK: The game's more than 15 hours away, you don't have to go to sleep now.
BUSTER: Look, I know you're used to a life of low expectations, but I have medium expectations, damn you. I ask you now to please help me get to sleep before I lose my mind thinking about this game.
RK sighs at that point.
RK: Okay, Buster, you have a deal. I'll help you get to sleep under two conditions.
BUSTER: Okay, what are they?
RK: The first thing I want is for you to admit at the end of the Super Bowl tomorrow that Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all-time.
BUSTER: Nope, not gonna happen.
RK: You're going to say it.
BUSTER: I will not say that, it's blasphemy.
RK: You'll say it or I refuse to help you.
BUSTER: Okay, fine, if the Broncos win the game, I'll say it.
RK: Cool with me. And also, since you're asking me for my services, I request that you come to my house.
BUSTER: Why?
RK: Because you're asking for my services. It's not going to work over the phone, your cosmic energy won't match mine.
BUSTER: That's true. They do need to align. Alright, I'll be over soon.
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK turns on his bedroom light and leads Buster inside.
RK: Watch your step, Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is knocked out.
BUSTER: Great cat minds think alike.
RK: Okay, Buster, this is my first opportunity to try out my latest experiment. I haven't had the chance to do this with anyone else, but you're the perfect test subject since you don't object to much.
BUSTER: You're going to attach wires to my brain and fill it with traumatic nightmares for your crazy experimentation?!
RK: What? No, I was just talking like that to freak you out.
BUSTER: Oh. You pedophile, don't do that.
RK: I can't be a pedophile, Buster. Look, can I just show you the thing?
BUSTER: Okay, but don't think about making a pass at me when you do it, Sandusky.
RK sighs as he opens his closet and takes out a large cardboard box.
BUSTER: This is your experiment? A box?!
RK: Not just any box. The story box!
BUSTER: What the hell is a story box?
RK: Well, to be honest, I bit the idea from Pinky Dinky Doo. The characters always sitting in a stupid box telling corny stories. I ate that shit up last year. I wanted that to be my life. So that's what I'm going to do for you, Buster. I'm going to display my knowledge of the two most important things in a young man's life: Sports and television.
BUSTER: You're going to sit in a box telling me bedtime stories?
RK: No. We're going to sit in a box while I'm telling bedtime stories. I would sing the story box jingle, but because we might get our asses sued, I'm not doing that. Just get in the box. All unceremoniously.
Buster crawls into the box and RK follows him inside.
BUSTER: Wow, this box is a lot larger on the inside.
RK: Yeah, I actually did some measurements. This box is big enough to fit four people at a time. Any more than that and it becomes a faux pas. Did I use that right? Faux pas? Hm, seems like something I would get wrong. I enjoy having fun with words.
BUSTER: Are you going to get to the stories?
RK: Oh yeah, I got you. Okay, Buster, here's the story guaranteed to put you to sleep. It all takes place in a faraway land when a man with a large hook for a hand and two eyepatches has A PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD...
Buster has a confused look on his face for a few seconds as RK just sits there.
BUSTER: Okay? Are you going to finish?
RK: No, I was just warming up. Usually, people cut me off after I say that.
BUSTER: RK, IT'S GOING TO BE 11:30 SOON, I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME!
RK: You couldn't have said that fifteen seconds ago?! Really?! Okay, this story starts some time before the Super Bowl, where a charming, handsome young gentleman just wanted to get tickets to the game. But things didn't work out as planned.
"Ticket Mania"
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are eating when Buster rushes in with a copy of The Seattle Times.
BUSTER: Guys! Guys! Guess what I just read!
WADE: The search for life on Mars has been expedited due to new developments?
SPARKY: Season five of Big Time Rush is starting soon?
RK: The legal handgun age has been lowered?
JAYLYNN: Some fourth thing I can't come up with?
BUSTER: No to all of that. Check it out.
Sparky takes the newspaper from Buster and starts reading where he marked it down with a red Sharpie.
SPARKY: Oh, interesting. It says here that 7-Eleven is joining forces with Pepsi for a Super Bowl giveaway contest. You walk into any participating 7-Eleven, buy a scratch-off ticket, and if you get a perfect match, you win free tickets to Super Bowl 50 for you and a guest. Hotel accommodations included.
BUSTER: Do you guys know what this means? WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! Now, I figure that if we each buy about 5,000 scratch-offs, that will cover all five of us.
WADE: Buster, maybe we shouldn't be so optimistic. Very few people are lucky to win contests of this caliber.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, like that PS Vita contest Taco Bell ran a few years back? I ate and I ate and I ate, but instead of a Vita, all I got in return was a bunch of toilet time.
RK: Guys, we owe it to ourselves and to America to play. If one of us wins, that means we're above the people who have to scratch and claw their way just to get lame nosebleed seats where a bunch of drunken idiots keep hassling their kids. After school, I'm marching right down to 7-Eleven and I'm going to win those tickets.
BUSTER: That's the spirit, RK.
SPARKY: I'm going to enter too. It will be nice to go to a Super Bowl for once that doesn't involve fake tickets or some convoluted scheme.
WADE: I don't know. I'm still skeptical. What about you, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Eh, why not? Why left swipe it, you know?
RK: I have no idea what you just said.
SPARKY: Me neither, I'm scared.
BUSTER: She's talking like Tumblr girls, run!
Sparky, Buster, and RK all run away in fear.
JAYLYNN: I didn't want to say it, I just wanted to see how it sounded.
WADE: I think you should just stick with awesomesauce.
SCENE 2
7-Eleven
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are scratching off their tickets while Wade watches them.
SPARKY: Dammit, I was so close! Two Lombardi Trophies and a shield logo.
BUSTER: I only got one trophy. Damn NFL trying to cheat people. How many more scratch-offs should we buy?
SPARKY: Well, let's see. There's a one in five million chance of winning these tickets and there's five of us, so if we can get Wade to participate...
WADE: I'm not buying a million scratch-off tickets.
BUSTER: That's so you, Wade, not even wanting to swallow your pride one time for the cause.
WADE: Look, guys, the odds of winning these things are almost always astronomical, and are just marketing ploys slowly causing you to piss away all your money when it's not even worth it. Just shell out some extra bucks and buy Super Bowl tickets like everyone else.
SPARKY: No! Every time we buy Super Bowl tickets and try going to the Super Bowl like everyone else, something stupid or zany has to happen. Not everything has to be some crazy, nutty adventure. Which is why if I have to take out a second mortgage just to win these tickets, I'm doing it.
WADE: Boy, you guys are troopers.
RK and Jaylynn walk out with a bunch of scratch-off games in their hands.
JAYLYNN: I hope we have enough tickets.
RK: Please, we have such an advantage over the competition, Roger Goodell wouldn't want to see us at the Super Bowl.
BUSTER: Hey, I thought we agreed on a one-ticket limit!
RK: Buster, it's a simple economics lesson. More tickets equals more chances equals more winnings...equals more happiness for the White Mamba.
WADE: NOBODY CALLS YOU THAT. NOBODY.
JAYLYNN: You guys should buy some more games. Come on. It's not gonna hurt ya. They're calling your name.
BUSTER: I don't know. I heard it's bad luck to buy so many tickets on your first try. Isn't that right, Sparky?
The camera pulls back to reveal that Sparky is gone.
BUSTER: Sparks?
Sparky runs out of 7-Eleven with a whole bunch of tickets in his arms.
SPARKY: I bought thirty, we can split them 50-50, let's go!
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The guys are shown having arranged their tickets in their own little areas.
BUSTER: Too bad Wade isn't here. He's missing out on being a part of history.
RK: Eh, he'll get a big history lesson once one of us scores those Levi's seats.
SPARKY: Okay, everybody has their own tickets. No sharing with anybody unless you run out in which case the other person should stop being so greedy. Best of luck to all of you...and GO!
("Adrenaline" by Shinedown playing in the background)
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn are working overtime trying to scratch off the tickets. As time goes on, they all look sweaty and exasperated, but refuse to give up. The four of them are constantly shown leaving the house individually to buy more scratch-offs while the others continue, and it continues into late at night. All four kids are shown scratching off their final tickets.
SPARKY: Dammit, another shield! Well, that's it at me.
JAYLYNN: What time is it? I blacked out after Buster bit me for one of my tickets.
BUSTER: I apologized four times.
JAYLYNN: IT WILL NEVER ERASE THE PAIN!
SPARKY: It's 11:24. I think it's PM because there's no Sun anymore. Alright, guys, I guess we'll just have to pick up where we left off tomorrow.
BUSTER: I don't know, Sparky. Maybe Wade's right about us. You know, not being attractive enough to compete and all.
JAYLYNN: I don't remember him saying that.
BUSTER: I don't know, it sounds like a Wade quote.
SPARKY: Look, we're all tired as hell, we might as well just go to sleep and reevaluate the situation tomorrow. Alright, everybody who doesn't live here, I'll see you at school.
RK: Wait, let me do my last ticket.
SPARKY: Alright. Guys, help me clean up. I don't need people thinking we have a gambling problem or something.
RK begins scratching off his final ticket while Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn pick up all the losing ones from the tables and the floor. The first symbol RK gets is the NFL shield.
RK: Come on, baby, give it to me.
RK gets a second shield, and he wipes sweat off his eyebrow as he scratches one last time in slow-motion, revealing a third shield and making RK's ticket a winner.
RK: Oh my God. I won. I won!
BUSTER: No, RK, the phrase is "I'm on one." What you just said doesn't sound right.
SPARKY: No, Buster, I think RK means that he won the contest. RK, your ticket's a winner?!
RK: Why don't we let Mr. Scratch-Off be the judge of that?
RK gives Sparky his winning ticket and he inspects it by putting on reading glasses.
SPARKY: RK WON!
JAYLYNN: RK WON?!
SPARKY: RK WON!
RK: I WON, MOTHERF***ERS!
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Jaylynn all start celebrating by dancing around the living room and pounding their chests. In honor of Cam Newton, RK starts dabbing.
BUSTER: RK'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
At that point, everyone stops celebrating and stares at Buster confused.
RK: No, I'm not.
BUSTER: This was my one chance to say that, I was not going to waste it.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade is putting books in his locker as RK stands near him triumphantly, looking at his fingernails in an arrogant fashion.
RK: It just happened, you know? Us Jennings come from a long line of contest winners. My great-grandfather wrestled a bull one time, and won $250,000. So to celebrate, he bathed in the money and nothing but the money for one week. Shortly after that, he was in the emergency room but the point is, I kept the legacy going last night.
WADE: Ugh. Would you give it a rest? You've been talking about winning the contest since you picked me up this morning. I get it, I'm happy for you, but it's over.
RK: Hey, I'm just having a little fun. And to tell you the truth, it's that attitude towards everything that makes me not want to take you anywhere. For crying out loud, I can't even go to a damn movie anymore because you spoil the ending.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK and Wade are watching a scary movie at the theater. RK is eating his popcorn with an apparent interest in the movie but Wade has his hand on the armrest in boredom.
RK: I bet she goes into the closet like an idiot. I know she's gonna do it.
WADE: The emo chick is behind all this, that's why she's going to be the last one standing after everyone else is dead.
RK then gives Wade an angry open-mouthed stare.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: To this day, I still don't trust you reading about movies we haven't seen online.
WADE: Look, I'm sorry for my cynical behavior. I actually am happy for your accomplishment. I guess you really did prove me wrong.
RK: Well, I'm glad to hear that but I'm also glad that you're proud of me.
WADE: So who are you going to take to the Super Bowl?
RK: That's tough. I have to find someone who's a big football fan, you know? Someone who will enjoy the action as much as me and won't just take all my Doritos and leave after the halftime show.
WADE: That was a dream. And Jaylynn said she was sorry in it.
RK: Either way, it happened and my mind made sure I saw it happen. Speak of the redhead.
Jaylynn walks up to RK with a stain stick and starts using it to clean his jeans. RK and Wade look at each other confused.
RK: If this is your way of hitting on me, it's not happening.
JAYLYNN: Don't be silly. I just wanted to do what good friends do and make sure you're clean. A good friend always makes sure their friends are ready for school.
RK: This is not a Target back to school commercial, Jaylynn. I'm hip to the scheme and I'm not just giving you my second ticket.
JAYLYNN: Oh, come on. I actually want to see the game. Plus, I'm trying to make up for whatever the hell it is you said I did in your dream.
RK: It was a traumatic experience, but the point is, I haven't made my decision yet. There are many candidates and I have to choose wisely. Plus, after the Shinedown fiasco, I don't know if I can trust you with tickets again.
JAYLYNN: That was months ago, I've changed. Am I at least a front-runner?
RK: I don't know. Buy me food after school and we'll see.
JAYLYNN: I'll see how much money I have.
SPARKY: Hey guys. RK, the champion. The champion doing his thing talking to us regular people.
BUSTER: RK'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
RK: Dude, you've said that nine times already, stop it.
BUSTER: When I think that the bit's run its course, then I'll stop.
RK: I'm telling you guys, it feels great to have these golden tickets. I feel like singing, but once again, I'm worried about getting my ass sued.
SPARKY: What?
The scene cuts to RK and Buster back inside the box.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. Are you making a reference to what you said earlier?
RK: Yeah, that's the joke.
BUSTER: I don't know. Seems a little on the nose for me.
RK: It's clever.
BUSTER: I don't know, I just don't like the way you did it.
RK: Are you going to criticize my storytelling skills or are you going to let me tell the damn story so your ass can get to sleep?
BUSTER: Well, when you put it that way, I guess I'll listen to you.
RK: Thank you. Now, where was I? Oh yeah.
The scene cuts back to the kids at school.
RK: I'm not letting these babies out of my sight. Bunch of vultures coming around here wanting to sniff my tickets.
WADE: Oh yeah, that reminds me. I think to make things easier for RK, nobody should say anything about him winning the contest.
JAYLYNN: How is that even possible? He won tickets to the f***ing Super Bowl, the ABC News team is coming here at lunch to do an evening story about him.
WADE: Well, until then, nobody should say anything. If anyone asks, just say he lost his puppy or something.
BUSTER: But RK doesn't have a puppy.
RK: Yeah, because he got lost.
BUSTER: So RK actually lost his puppy and now ABC News is doing a story about him? Why would they care about that?
SPARKY: Could you guys stop confusing the boy?
WADE: Whatever, let's just hope not many people show up to the interview.
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
At lunch, the rest of TSE leads RK out to the news truck, with several kids surrounding them.
SPARKY: Boy, word gets around fast.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I wonder how they found out.
BUSTER: Don't blame me. I just said that RK won Super Bowl tickets last night and not to mention his lost puppy. It makes him upset.
WADE: Buster, remind me to strangle you later.
BUSTER: Look, if I'm the only one who's trying to stick to the story here, then it ain't my problem.
KIRSTEN EDWARDS: Hello everybody, I'm Kirsten Edwards reporting for ABC News from iCarly Elementary School here in Seattle. Last night, a student at this school scratched off a play ticket from 7-Eleven and won the Pepsi Super Bowl giveaway, earning free tickets to the big game for him and a guest. I'm talking to ten-year-old Ryan Kennedy Jennings right now. Mr. Jennings, how does it feel to have the chance to go to the fiftieth anniversary of the Super Bowl?
RK: Well, it's a wonderful experience. I think, personally, Super Bowl Sunday should be a national holiday. I think, personally, that these contests allow people to believe in themselves and never lose hope. I guess it feels great to have the best seats in the house for such a big game between those teams. Hopefully, from a personal standpoint, I'm just hoping things go well and I have fun with my guest.
The interview is paused and it turns out that RK is rewatching it on his DVR with KG in the living room.
RK: I like that look on my face. I feel like my face really glistens in that area. You think so too?
KG: You're a little Channing Tatum, my brother. But I'm proud of you for buying up all those tickets just to win more tickets.
RK: Thanks, man.
KG: So you thought about who you're taking to California?
RK: I have, but I don't know yet. I'm thinking about taking Anna, but she's always busy on Super Bowl Sunday.
KG: Doing what?
RK: Hosting a party. Apparently, her and Adriana entertain their friends every year with a Super Bowl party. I do my thing, she does her thing. It's all good.
KG: Are you sure? I mean, if I really loved my girlfriend, and I mean, really loved her, she would be my first choice to take to the Super Bowl.
RK: I guess, but...
KG: I mean, take Denise for example. If I found out she won Super Bowl tickets, I would be so happy. I would be begging and pleading for her to take me with her. And look at Anna. She's probably telling the whole city about you winning those seats. If she finds out you're not taking her...I don't know, man. If I were in her shoes, I would be devastated if I couldn't go. Just to see my boyfriend on TV hooking up with a floozy. Man, I sure hope I'm not in the room when you tell Anna she's not coming.
RK: I get it, for God's sake. I guess I'll just have to think about it a bit more.
RK's phone vibrates and he checks it out.
RK: What the hell? Manny asked me if I was keeping his ticket warm. That's like, the tenth message I've gotten today. Why do people care so much?
KG: Why do people care so much? Have you ever seen the movie Lottery Ticket?
RK: No.
KG: Well, when you watch it, you'll understand what I'm talking about. You have the hottest ticket in the country, bro. People would kill their own parents for a chance to go to the Super Bowl. You're just lucky they're only pressing you to be your plus-one.
RK: Well, these jokers are better off staying at home. With the remote in one hand and their precious little dreams crushed to tiny, piercing glass fragments in another.
The doorbell rings at that point and RK goes to check it out. He sees that it's Anja through the peephole.
RK: The hell? RK opens the door. Anja, what are you doing here?
ANJA: I heard about the tickets. I can't believe you're going to the Super Bowl and you didn't even tell me!
RK: First of all, you don't even watch football. And second of all, if you recall, we have an extremely complicated friendship.
KG: In other words, she doesn't f*** with you?
RK: I'd...like to think it's more than that.
ANJA: Okay, you caught me. It's just that if I go, Lynne can get her autograph from Beyonce and stop pestering me about it.
RK: What makes you think you're going to get an autograph at the Super Bowl from one of the biggest stars in the world?
ANJA: I have a five-point plan that involves you killing the lights at the arena.
RK: It's a stadium, football games are played in stadiums. Get lost, you culture vulture.
RK slams the door in Anja's face.
ANJA: I'm gonna come back.
RK: YEAH, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT! Ugh, the nerve of these people. Treating me like some prostitute with hot fudge all over my body. Well, the hot fudge shop is closed until further notice.
KG: So, they should treat you like a prostitute later on in life?
RK: My point still stands!
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK is looking around smiling as people continue gazing at him and talking about him. He sees the guys standing by Buster's locker and marches over proudly.
RK: You know, I'm glad people are finally paying attention to how I take care of myself. I buffed up my sneakers this morning, got rid of all that schmutz.
SPARKY: RK, they don't care about your sneakers, they care about your tickets.
RK: Are you serious?! For once, why can't people just notice me for my appearance and not because I have something cool in my pocket? This is just like the time Buster stole my baseball cards.
BUSTER: What are you talking about? You stole them from me.
RK: We can agree to disagree, just know I remember things differently.
Ashley and Sanna walk up to the guys.
ASHLEY: Hey RK. What's up?
RK: Girls, if this is about the tickets, I don't want to talk about them. Neither of you are going to the game, understood?
SANNA: We just wanted to tell you to have fun.
RK: Oh yeah, sure, have me keep my guard down so when I'm asleep, you can inject fatal poison into my bloodstream, snatch the tickets right from under me and get to live it up in California while my corpse is being slowly eaten away at by a million worms? I mean, it's 2016, and this is all people want to talk about these days? Sports? What about terrorism, or politics, or healthy eating? I mean, in our culture today...
The camera pulls back to reveal that Ashley and Sanna are gone.
RK: I blacked out on them, didn't I?
SPARKY: You did.
WADE: It was insane.
JAYLYNN: Yeah.
BUSTER: Hey, wait a minute, I just realized something. The puppy never existed!
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
At lunch, the kids are eating when RK continually looks over his shoulder, believing somebody is watching him.
RK: Guys, I feel like somebody is stalking me.
SPARKY: What? That's ridiculous.
RK: They want the tickets. My safety has been compromised. How much time do you think it will take for me to change schools?
WADE: RK, you're just being paranoid. It's stressful having your hands on something the whole world covets, but trust me, nobody is watching your every move.
Meanwhile, at Manny and Will's table...
MANNY: Will, I can't go through with it. I think RK's on to me.
WILL: It was your idea to steal the tickets. You saw him put them in his bag, right?
MANNY: Yeah.
WILL: So just take the bag and say that...I don't know...you dropped something in it?
MANNY: I dropped something in it. That's your brilliant plan?
WILL: Look, you said you could make it happen, now don't start flaking out on me.
MANNY: Fine. But if the NFC team wins, you still owe me $200.
Manny sees RK's bag on the floor near him and starts running towards it. However, RK is one step ahead and kicks him in the leg.
JAYLYNN: HOLY SHIT, YOU WERE RIGHT!
RK: Of course I was right, you can't trust anybody these days. Not even your friends.
WADE: What's that supposed to mean?
RK: If I let you convince me nobody was watching me, this knucklehead would have stolen my tickets. I bet you were in on it, weren't you?
WADE: I wasn't in on anything, you're letting your emotions get the best of you.
RK: Oh, so now I'm psycho, am I? Well, this psycho's going to make sure his Super Bowl seats are safe in the bathroom. And NOBODY follow me in there. If anybody even dares making a move, you're going to be watching the game from a hospital bed.
RK angrily leaves the cafeteria with his tray and his backpack while muttering to himself.
BUSTER: We've lost RK.
SPARKY: We haven't lost him...at least not yet.
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is nervously watching TV with the Super Bowl tickets in his firm grasp. His eyes keep darting back and forth as he starts tugging at his collar and sweating. His hair is unruly and he has bags under his eyes as well. The camera starts doing a close-up on RK's worried face as we can hear his slow heartbeat.
RK: WHO'S OUT THERE?! WHO WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT THE JIVE?! HUH?! WHAT'S OUT THERE?! I WANT YOU TO SHOW YOURSELF RIGHT NOW! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE TICKETS?! HUH?! WHAT DO YOU EVEN KNOW?! I'll tell you right now what you know, honey. YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING! YOU HEAR ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH?! YOU...KNOW...NOTHING!
There is an awkward pause as RK slowly realizes that nobody is actually there.
RK: Wait a minute. Maybe I'm just losing my mind a bit. *chuckles* I mean, criminy, what in the world is happening to me? They're just tickets to a damn football game, nobody really cares that much about them. Nobody's out to get me. It's just the crazy little man known as RK's conscience taking control once again.
RK chuckles some more and then looks at the TV with suspicion.
RK: Unless they're hiding inside THE TV!
RK screams and gives the television a roundhouse kick, knocking it off its place on the shelf and onto the floor.
RK: Oh my God. What have I done?! I'M A SICK BASTARD, I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M NOT A HUMAN BEING ANYMORE! RK starts crying over the TV. I'M A MONSTER!
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster walk in the school together with bored looks on their faces. Sparky starts looking at Buster confusingly.
SPARKY: Um, Buster?
BUSTER: Yeah?
SPARKY: Aren't you going to finish telling me the story?
BUSTER: No, that's how it ends.
SPARKY: Really? With you stomping that poor cat?
BUSTER: Look, if it didn't try scratching me to death, I wouldn't have had to do that. Little pussy had it coming anyway.
Wade and Jaylynn run up to Sparky and Buster.
SPARKY: Sup, guys?
WADE: Yeah, we're going to have to leave school.
SPARKY: Why? We just got here.
JAYLYNN: Did you guys know that RK isn't coming to school today?
BUSTER: No. We're going to leave school because one of our friends isn't here? Doesn't that sound weird to you guys?
WADE: He has a gun in his room and he's threatening to kill himself.
SPARKY: WHAT?!
BUSTER: Please tell me that the RK with a gun is an RK from your imagination.
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Upstairs Hallway
Seattle, Washington
KG looks emotionally distressed as the remaining TSE members run upstairs.
BUSTER: WE'RE TOO LATE, HE'S DEAD! NO, NO, HE'S DEAD!
SPARKY, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: BUSTER!
KG: Can you guys please talk to him? He hasn't left his room since last night and I can't get him to come out.
RK: NOBODY COME IN HERE! I CAN TASTE YOUR BREATH TRYING TO SNATCH MY TICKETS!
SPARKY: Wait a minute. This is about the motherf***ing Super Bowl tickets?
KG: Yeah, but trust me, nothing's getting through to him.
SPARKY: I'll be the judge of that. RK, you have to get rid of your crazy conspiracy theories and put the gun down.
RK: What's the point of living anymore? Those damn kids are coming from the walls and the trees and the TV screens trying to steal the tickets I won, so why give them the satisfaction? I'm going out on my own terms.
SPARKY: Don't you see what's going on here? You're letting your insanity get in the way of you having a good time. You won a chance to go to the Super Bowl, not us or anyone else. If anybody has a problem with that, f*** them. You have to keep it moving and do what you said you were going to do. Just invite the person you want to invite, go to Santa Clara and have fun. Stop looking for justification or validation from other people. Take control of your life like you always do and stop being pushed around.
RK: Oh my God, Sparky. You're right. I've been so obsessed with what everybody else was thinking, I never stopped to think about what I wanted. It's just a football game.
SPARKY: Exactly. Don't take your own life because you're scared of losing your shot at happiness. That's what life is about. You can't be afraid of opportunities or you're going to miss out on a lot of great things.
RK: Well, I guess I could come out and stop being scared.
RK puts the handgun on his shelf and slowly walks out rubbing his wrists and looking around nervously.
RK: Are you sure you guys aren't just setting me up?
JAYLYNN: Of course not. Look, even if you don't take us to the Super Bowl, we don't care. We just want you to be happy.
RK: Wow. Thanks guys.
KG: RK, please don't scare me like that again.
RK: I'm sorry, KG. I can't believe I tried to kill myself. But you know what? I think it's time for me to make a call.
SCENE 11
Levi's Stadium
Exterior Parking Lot
Santa Clara, California
FEBRUARY 7 - SUPER BOWL SUNDAY
RK is in awe of the size of Levi's Stadium, which has been redecorated for Super Bowl 50 and features a huge marquee showcasing Peyton Manning, Demaryius Thomas, and Von Miller, and the other side of the marquee showcasing Cam Newton, Jonathan Stewart, and Ted Ginn, Jr., with a golden 50 in the middle.
RK: This stadium looks beautiful in the daylight. You ready?
The camera cuts to a shot of Anna standing next to RK.
ANNA: Let's go.
The two smile and hold hands as they walk into the stadium together.
SCENE 12
Levi's Stadium
Interior Commentator's Booth
Santa Clara, California
Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are getting their papers together and cleaning their headsets before it is their time to start calling the game.
JIM NANTZ: Wow, look at all these people. If we break the attendance record, I won't be surprised.
PHIL SIMMS: I can't wait for Rihanna to perform! You think she's going to do some of her hits?
JIM NANTZ: Rihanna's not performing, Phil.
PHIL SIMMS: What?
JIM NANTZ: She's not performing. They released that information months ago.
PHIL SIMMS: What?! SHE'S NOT PERFORMING?! SHE HAS TO! REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE IN RENO AND I SPILLED COFFEE ON HER DRESS?! SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA PERFORM, IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S NOT FAIR!
JIM NANTZ: PHIL, CALM DOWN, YOU'RE CALLING THE DAMN SUPER BOWL! Look, we have a job to do tonight. We have to let people know what's going on in an interesting way even though they can already see what's going on. CBS is counting on us.
PHIL SIMMS: I know they are, but this is Super Bowl 50 and you're not even going to have Rihanna perform?! What did Rihanna ever do to the NFL?
JIM NANTZ: I honestly don't know, but this is the biggest game of the year and you can't back down. Now come on. Who's the second-best commentator in sports?
PHIL SIMMS: Um, I don't know. Joe Buck?
JIM NANTZ: I said second-best, not second-worst.
PHIL SIMMS: I think it's me. Ooh, are you talking about me?! Please tell me you're talking about me!
JIM NANTZ: Yes, you weirdo, I'm talking about you.
PHIL SIMMS: Yay, I'm number two! Okay, Jim, I'll do it. Phil Simms is ready to serve his country.
JIM NANTZ: Fantastic. Stay regular, we're on in ten seconds.
PHIL SIMMS: Should I count down like on New Year's Eve?
JIM NANTZ: No, Phil, do not...count...DOWN.
PHIL SIMMS: So, what about counting up?
JIM NANTZ: NO, DON'T DO THAT!
("Posthumus Zone" starts playing in the background as the camera does a wraparound of Levi's Stadium)
JIM NANTZ: It all started on January 15, 1967 south of the Bay Area. And 49 years later, it has turned into one of the most anticipated days in professional sports. CBS Sports and the National Football League proudly welcome to the Pepsi Super Bowl Kickoff Show. We're just moments away from the NFL championship game and the opportunity for one team to hold up the fiftieth edition of the Vince Lombardi Trophy, named after the winning coach of those early Green Bay Packers teams. On one hand, you have one of the most prolific quarterbacks of the past two decades in Peyton Manning, leading his Denver Broncos to a second Super Bowl appearance in three seasons and a chance to possibly end his career with a second Lombardi in hand. On the other hand, you have arguably the most high-powered team in the league led by the explosive and earth-shattering Cam Newton, looking to lead the Carolina Panthers to their first Super Bowl victory in only their second appearance overall. I'm Jim Nantz and welcome to our exclusive coverage of Super Bowl 50. I'm here with my broadcast colleague and Super Bowl XXI MVP Phil Simms. Phil, this could be one of the most historic games ever played. What can we keep our eye on for tonight's matchup?
PHIL SIMMS: Well, Jim, you definitely said it, history is in the making here tonight. And one thing we should keep our eye on is the 38-year-old workhorse Manning, about to put the finishing touches on his illustrious career. His success in the postseason has been documented, but tonight, this is his chance to go out on a high note and do what his owner John Elway did back in 1999, when he retired after leading the Broncos to back-to-back Super Bowl titles. I have been around the Denver locker room a lot over the past week, and there is a sense of motivation and urgency we didn't see two years ago after the blowout in Super Bowl XLVIII at the hands of the Seattle Seahawks. I believe that the Broncos are going to show up to this game and at least keep it a close one.
JIM NANTZ: Thank you, Phil, and now we're going to take it on the field to our sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson. Tracy?
TRACY WOLFSON: Jim, Phil, there is an abundance of energy here on the Carolina side of things. I have spoken to Cam Newton this past week, and he has addressed the media's perception of him being a lightning rod for controversy. He said that his goal in this league is not to be accepted, but to play the game and he gets the chance on a worldwide stage to show people what he's all about. Guys?
JIM NANTZ: Alright, Tracy, thank you for the report and when we come back, we will hear the singing of our national anthem and then the coin toss. Super Bowl 50 will be underway after these messages.
RK and Anna are shown near the front row on the Panthers' side of the field.
ANNA: I know I said this already, but I'm glad you decided to take me.
RK: You should have been my first choice the whole time. I got caught up in all the craziness that I almost ruined everything for myself.
ANNA: Oh, don't worry about that. We're here now and that's all that matters.
RK: You make everything so much easier. I love you, Anna.
ANNA: I love you too, RK.
RK and Anna then share a kiss, and the crowd starts cheering as the two are shown on the scoreboard.
RK: Hey, that kiss wasn't for the cameras!
Anna giggles and playfully slugs RK on the arm.
RK: Hey, you want to fight?
RK slugs Anna back and the two continue punching each other in the arm as the camera zooms out. The scene then cuts back to RK and Buster inside the box.
RK: And they all happily ever after. The end.
BUSTER: Aww, that ending was sweet? You know what could have sealed the deal? If you had a One Direction song like "Story of My Life" or "Perfect" playing in the background.
RK: No. But what did you think?
BUSTER: Pretty damn good. Except there's no real ending.
RK: What are you talking about?
BUSTER: What happens during the game?
RK: Oh, well, the Broncos give up 28 points in the first half. Manning gets sacked five times, Newton runs for two scores, Coldplay sucks until Beyonce and Bruno come out, it's a terrible game. Final score, 63-3, Panthers.
BUSTER: That makes sense to me. I think I can get to sleep now.
RK: You sure? I mean, we can go all night.
BUSTER: No, that's okay, I'm fine.
RK: You know, Buster, my mind is like a hose. You just turn it on and the ideas start flowing on and on and on. See, I always thought of myself as mentally gifted. My brain is just on an entirely different level than most people.
BUSTER: You helped me enough, I'm going to sleep, I'm tired as hell now, thank you.
RK: Alright, suit yourself. Good night, man.
RK crawls out of the box leaving Buster inside, yawns, scratches himself, and climbs into bed.
RK: RK Jennings, you've done it again. You and your bright ideas.
RK takes one last look at Buster inside the box.
RK: Hehe, he's going to wake up tomorrow morning in a box. Hehe, hilarious.
RK closes his eyes and goes to sleep, then everything fades to black momentarily.
2:03 AM
Buster starts poking RK.
BUSTER: RK? RK? RK, you awake?
RK: I am now. What is it?
BUSTER: I just wanted to know...do you have another story?
RK looks up at the ceiling and takes a deep breath, then the camera cuts to a shot of the Jennings house.
RK: F***!
Fade to black. The kids are then shown ringside at the 2016 Royal Rumble in Orlando.
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("The Lineman" by Sam Spence playing in the end credits)
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
GOOD LUCK BRONCOS AND PANTHERS