What a waste, I thought disgruntledly, exiting the shuttle. Grunt, Samara, and I had just gotten back from Tuchanka after completing Grunt's Rite of Passage. While it had been good to see Wrex again and a huge plus to kill the Thresher Maw, that idiot, Uvenk, had soured my mood completely. It shouldn't have made me so upset, but when I thought back to how smug and sure of himself he had been, I felt like kicking something really, really hard. The more I thought about why I was so upset about the situation, the more I came to realize how it wasn't Uvenk in particular that made me so angry: it was what he symbolized.
Uvenk had been in the perfect position to help Clan Urdnot, and thereby, help strengthen the krogan people as a whole. Instead, he had chosen to further his own agenda, and thinking short-sightedly, he had gotten himself and several of his men killed. It struck so close to home in that, to me at least, it served as a reminder of my own mission. Sure, we were out trying to destroy the Collectors, but they were a means to an end. The real mission was to defeat the Reapers and save the galaxy, but like Wrex, I had potential allies who refused to come to my aid. Ash back on Horizon, the Council (whose hides I saved back when Sovereign attacked), and even old Alliance contacts who didn't want anything to do with me because I was working with a Cerberus budget. None of them backed me up, even after everything I had done.
I huffed and mentally shook my head at my thoughts. I was Commander Shepard, currently the galaxy's best hope against the Collector and Reaper threat. I couldn't afford to let the small things affect me so greatly. I put my armor away on autopilot before heading up to my cabin to file the report on the last mission. Once that was done, I jumped into the shower to try and was the stress of the day off. To my dismay, the shower didn't help as much as I thought it would, so I decided to walk around the ship to try and ease the restlessness and frustration I was feeling. If that didn't help, I decided I would suck up my pride and head to the Med Bay to ask Dr. Chakwas for some sedatives to help me sleep.
After jumping into the elevator, I randomly hit a button and ended up on Deck 3. Before I could register what was happening, I found myself standing outside of the Starboard Observation Deck. Knowing our resident justicar was probably inside, I went ahead and opened the door. Perhaps speaking with the wizened asari would help me process and clear my incessant thoughts.
Samara was where she always was: on the floor, crossed-legged, and meditating before the great expanse of space. A small part of me always felt a bit guilty for disturbing her, but I really did enjoy our conversations. The regal justicar was always so composed, and more than once, I found myself envying the certainty and peace she derived from the Code.
"Shepard," Samara stated. The biotic energy around Samara dissipated, and turning to face me, she spoke again. "You are distraught." She inclined her head and eyed me thoughtfully, her pale, blue eyes contemplative. I gave her a small, tired smile before motioning towards the floor, silently asking for permission to join her on the ground. She gave an almost imperceptible nod, and I took my place next to the asari woman.
There was a companionable silence between us for a few minutes, with the two of us lost in our own thoughts. Once I felt confident enough to try and voice my conflicting emotions, I turned my head from where I had been gazing out at the expanse of space and towards Samara. "How do you do it?" I started quietly. Samara turned towards me, fixing me with those eyes that always had me feeling so exposed before them. I turned back to the window and resumed gazing out at the vastness of the Milky Way. "How do you keep going? Day after day, year after year, century after century… How do you find the strength, the will to keep going…?" I trailed off, leaving the Observation Deck in silence once again.
"I like to think that I'm making the galaxy a better place than I found it," Samara ventured. "With the Code, there is no uncertainty. There is no grey." I turned back to Samara to find that she was now gazing into space. "I remember my duty," she said softly. "As a justicar, there will always be evils that need to be remedied. As a soldier, Shepard, you will always have one battle or another." She turned to look me in the eye. "Remember what you are fighting for, but more importantly, no matter how hopeless the situation seems, remember that you are not fighting alone. In this fight we face against the Collectors, against the Reapers, do not forget that I, as well as the rest of the team, am with you until the end."
I looked down, thinking about what Samara had just said. It did make sense, I suppose, but in that moment, I felt a sort of emptiness. The sort of emptiness that comes from not having a significant other to share burdens and joys with. The sort of emptiness that a very small part of me yearned to be filled by none other than the incredible individual sitting not two feet away from me. I sighed quietly, closed my eyes, and meditated. Maybe… in another life.