This piece is about Usagi's constant battle within herself over food and weight. What if it eventually went too far? As a young girl under immense pressure, she could very well develop an eating disorder. Here's to the "what if?"
Usagi's mother is yelling at her - she got straight F's all week on her tests. She hears her mother, but it is impossible to listen. Her focus keeps moving in and out. The room seems to be wobbling. Her thoughts are so scattered and rapidly moving throughout her brain, it almost hurts. Back and forth; her thoughts take her back to this morning when she threw away the delicious lunch that her mother prepared for her, to last week when she watched Rei eat three caramel rice balls. She thinks about food, food, food and little else. Her mother waves her hands in front of Usagi's face. "Are you even listening to me, Usagi?!"
She knows her mother is furious with her. To make matters worse, her stomach growls in respone. "I'm sorry! I really am! I studied! I know you don't believe me but I did!" Lies. She can't remember the last time she touched a book. She doesn't even remember what she is being 'taught' in school. Every day she sits in the same seat, but no matter how physically there she is, she is absent. Most of Usagi is absent nowadays.
"You know what, Usagi? Forget about your grades for a moment. Have you eaten at all today? You look so thin - and don't you take that as a compliment, young lady! You look frail. I'm fixing supper soon. You will sit at the table with your family and eat it. Do you hear me?"
Her knees grew weak. Fear rose inside of her. She hoped her mother would fix lots of veggies. Veggies were safe to eat, usually.
"Yes, I hear you. Let me know when everything is ready."
An hour and a half later, Usagi was called to the table. It was the most dreaded wait she had been through in awhile. Her mother was getting suspicious now, so she had to think of a plan. Maybe she would eat one item of food, and mix the rest of it up. She could push the mixture around with her chip sticks. It would look like she'd eaten a lot, right? She hoped that her hands wouldn't be so shaky this time. Last time she couldn't even use her chop sticks - everything fell out of them. This wouldn't be a bad thing if she were alone. Her mother would surely notice her hands trembling. But how would she hide them?
She walked down the stairs as slowly as she possibly could, stalling in any which way. She tried having a conversation with her father. He told her they would talk after dinner. She offered to do some chores before dinner - her mother blatantly refused. She had no choice but to sit down and face her enemy.
On the table lay bowls of white rice, soy sauce, chicken breast, mushrooms, and peppers. She felt fat just looking at the food. The fear of eating it combined with her lightheadedness was too much for her to handle. She sat down quickly, trying hard not to faint. The light was so very bright, and the smell of food was the strongest it has ever been.
She wouldn't cave in. She couldn't.
She just couldn't eat it. And she didn't know why.