Title: Figuring It Out
Author: Caera1996
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: NC-17
Note: Real life is kicking my ass lately and I haven't had a lot of time for writing. But, I saw this prompt, and just had to write it. (LAWG is not finished, nor is it abandoned, promise!) So, this is a fill for the following prompt at st_xi_kink_meme.

Prompt / Summary:
I would be interested to see a story which has Kirk in a new relationship with Bones. Bones has heard all about Jim's sexual exploits, and assumes because of the wild stories that Kirk is anything but vanilla. The first time they sleep together, McCoy is a little rough, but nothing to wild, just playful. But as time goes on, he gets a little bit rougher/kinkier. Kirk meanwhile, is actually very vanilla, but hey, he's open to trying new things, and so he just goes with it. Maybe the fourth or fifth time they sleep together, McCoy kinda slaps him maybe and tries to tie him up, but in Bones' mind it's all for the turn on. Jim however, has kind of a panic attack. Apologies/comfort/discussion ensues. I don't want McCoy to be a jerk, I just want him to be mixed up, but very much in love with Jim.

Part 1

Two months. Two months since the dance around each other they'd been doing resolved into something more…substantial. More real. Something that had a description.

Dating.

He and Jim were actually dating. Each other. Exclusively.

Two months, and Leonard still couldn't believe it. He couldn't reconcile the idea that Jim – wickedly intelligent, funny (though he wasn't willing to call it anything but annoying to Jim's face…yet), beautiful, and so much more that he couldn't even put it into words – would want him. Want to be with him. Because what was he? Older than his years, weighed down by his divorce, by missing his daughter, by over the guilt he couldn't shake because of his father. How could that be good enough for someone like Jim? What could Jim see in him, when Jim could have anyone?

But amazingly enough, he apparently saw something, because here they were, and Leonard could still hardly believe it.

It took two months to get to this point, Leonard feeling ready to take the next step in this relationship, a step that Jim had patiently waited for, never pushing, never cajoling. As they sat facing each other on the bed, Leonard took a quietly steady breath against the nerves he was feeling. He'd heard the stories of Jim's sexual exploits, and Leonard wanted to be enough for him in every way…this way, too.

Jim smiled slightly, reaching to cup Leonard's face and leaned in to kiss him. Shifting slightly to be closer to Jim, Leonard deepened the kiss, moving to draw Jim closer to him, then using his weight to push Jim back on to the bed, his hands going Jim's shirt.

Jim followed Bones' lead and laid back, happily surprised that Bones was taking the lead in this, their first time together. He'd seemed so…hesitant in their new relationship so far, this new boldness was unexpected, but not in any way unwelcome. Kissing, hands traveling over each other, clothes were quickly dropped to the floor, and they explored each other fully, for the first time.

Jim loved this. Loved being the center of Bones' attention, loved the tender look on Bones face and the clear affection in his eyes. Loved the closeness with someone who started off as a friend and then developed into something more. He loved returning the pleasure, gently sucking on a sensitive spot on Bones' neck, Jim's hands stroking down his body, gently cupping Bones' balls, stroking his already hard length.

Bones pulled back and looked down at Jim, taking in his flushed face and half-lidded eyes, the expression on his face.

"What…what do you want, Jim?" Leonard asked, some of that hesitance coming back into his tone. Jim leaned up to capture his lips in another kiss, wrapping his arms around him.

"Anything Bones…anything you want to give," Jim answered breathlessly, his lips still brushing Leonard's.

They lost themselves in each other then, and it was amazing. They explored each other's bodies, finding all the places to touch and lick and kiss that felt incredible. The slick, intense slide of flesh on flesh drove them closer to completion as they moved against each other. Jim gasped and writhed under Bones, arching again and again, as Bones pushed into him, holding him down. He was a little rougher than Jim had expected. But that was okay. It was still good…so, so good…and it was Bones, and if that was what he liked…well, Jim was up for trying something new.

Afterwards, lying comfortably entwined together, sated, and feeling so content and, for the first time…loved, Jim closed his eyes, knowing he wouldn't change a thing.

Part 2

As their relationship progressed, Leonard felt a little more confident in what was developing between them. He was finally starting to completely accept that Jim really did want him in that way. And there was such power in that…in knowing that he was important to someone, that he made someone he cared for happy. And to experience that in return, in a way that he hadn't really with Jocelyn, was eye-opening and made him treasure what Jim was to him, and what they had together, even more.

It also made Leonard want to make sure that Jim was content with their physical relationship, as well. That was the one thing that still caused him to feel insecure. He'd heard more than one surprised response to the idea of their relationship being exclusive, and Leonard remained keenly aware of Jim's more…adventurous…reputation. A reputation that Jim never discounted.

So, Leonard made the effort to pay attention to the way Jim responded to him, and so far, so good. Some of the things Jim seemed to enjoy were new to Leonard, but he could deal with that. They always had fun and they made each other feel good, and their physical compatibility was undeniable. That's what mattered. And, since Jim had seemed to really enjoy everything they'd done together so far, Leonard made the decision to step it up a bit, and try something new.

Laying over Jim, Leonard felt the tremors run through his body as he gently stroked Jim's asshole with two of his fingers. Slippery with lube, the feel of Leonard's fingers on him was the only stimulation he was getting right now, and it was still enough to make him hard. Jim panted, his leg muscles tightening as he fought the urge to squeeze his thighs together against the intense feeling.

Leonard captured his lips in a heated kiss, catching his moan and stopping his panted breaths as he relentlessly kept up the stroking without breaching his entrance, or touching his cock. Leonard explored his mouth deeply, stroking his tongue over Jim's. Eventually, the need to breathe won out, and Jim turned his head away, gasping.

"Oh…god…Bones," he whined, one hand twisting in the sheet under him, the other grasping the edge of the mattress hard enough to turn his knuckles white. His thrust his hips up, desperate for friction. "Come on…touch me," he pleaded.

Leonard ignored him, keeping up his gentle, tickling strokes, feeling Jim's asshole twitch in time as he stimulated the sensitive, nerve-packed area, starting to run his thumb along the area between his balls and his asshole. He chuckled when Jim whined, restlessly turning his head, his brow furrowed and his eyes squeezed closed. Desperate, Jim started to reach for his own cock, only to have his movement intercepted. Leonard grasped Jim's wrist, and decided to go with it.

"Oh, no you don't," he said, voice low and rough with lust. "No touching. And to remind you…" Leonard stopped what he was doing to quickly lean over and grasp two lengths of ropes he'd prepared and stashed just under the bed earlier. Made of a soft, but resilient material, he didn't think it would chafe Jim's skin badly. Leonard could heal any minor damage, but he didn't want to hurt him.

So caught up in the sensations rushing through him, Jim didn't realize what Bones was doing until his first hand was already secured. A rush of adrenaline cleared Jim's head and he opened his eyes quickly. Looking up at Bones as his second hand was secured.

"Bones," he said hoarsely. "W-What are you doing?"

"No touching," Bones said again, looking back down at him. "I want to make you come…after I see how much you can take."

Jim swallowed and closed his eyes. Bones wanted this…he could do it.

Part 3

Jim focused on the fact that it was Bones he was with. Bones…who really cared about him and took care of him, all the time, not just when they were fucking. He wanted to keep his eyes open, to keep his eyes on Bones' face, but he didn't want him to see the discomfort he was feeling because he knew that Bones would be able to tell. And this, what they had, this had become so important to Jim…he didn't want to do anything to screw it up.

And if Bones wanted to tie him up, then Jim could deal with that. Small price, as far as he was concerned.

Bones went back to the same maddeningly light, teasing touch. Jim arched his back, the very fact that his movements were restricted making him want to move more. His cock, which had lost some of its hardness, was again straining and twitching against his belly.

Bones shifted, moving down and pushing Jim's legs up, forcing his knees to his chest. Jim automatically pulled at his hands, clenching his fists and trying to stay as relaxed as possible, letting Bones do what he wanted. It still felt good, he was still okay. He was okay.

Then Bones surprised him, tonguing his asshole firmly – incredibly intense on the super-sensitized skin. Jim let out a shout, his legs automatically clamping closed. Bones pulled back and delivered a sharp slap to his ass.

"Keep still," Leonard said.

Jim stopped breathing for a second, his heart stuttering in his chest. He pulled at his hands again, turning his head and biting his lip. Bones repositioned him, roughly pressing his thighs apart and holding him there. Pinned, his heart racing, Jim swallowed hard, took a breath and held it, trying to contain himself. And then he just couldn't.

"Bones, no…please…let me up, please," Jim said, his voice cracking.

Leonard paused, hearing the change in Jim's tone, though not quite realizing what was wrong. He immediately let Jim put his legs down and leaned up to peer at him. What he saw made his stomach flip.

Jim's chest was rising and falling with quick, panicky breaths. His arms strained as he pulled on the ropes, his hands tightly clenched. But it was the look on his face that knocked Leonard into fast action. Fear – nothing, nothing he ever wanted to be the cause of, but somehow still was.

Oh, god, what have I done? Leonard quickly untied Jim's right hand, then stretched across him to do the left.

"Bones, please," Jim said again, his voice tight with distress.

"Okay, Jim, okay…" Leonard quickly backed off, allowing Jim to sit up, but hovering close. "I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I'm such an idiot," he said, realizing he was babbling, but unable to stop himself. He watched as Jim pulled himself up to sit, his knees to his chest, and he could see that he was trembling slightly, his complexion pale. Even more alarmed, Leonard quickly reached behind himself and pulled the blanket up, draping it around Jim. He reached out to him, but then pulled back, torn between wanting to gather him in his arms, and restraining himself, still not sure what had happened, and what Jim would be okay with now.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Jim glanced up at Bones, seeing his freaked out expression.

"I'm okay, Bones," Jim said, embarrassment coloring his tone and his face. He kept his eyes averted, and feeling bad for how obviously upset Bones was, reached out to him. Relieved beyond words, Leonard met him eagerly, wrapping his arms around Jim, feeling the fine tremors that still ran through his body.

Part 4

They'd shifted so that they could lie down, Jim urging Bones under the blanket with him. He didn't want to be separated…didn't even want the illusion of separation...right now. He still hadn't said anything, and Jim was grateful for the quiet Bones was allowing him to have. He needed to gather himself, take an inventory of what he was feeling and figure out what to do from here. What to say. Because Jim was afraid of pushing Bones away – and what if he couldn't give him what he wanted? Would Bones push him away?

Jim rested his head on Bones' shoulder, curled into Bones' side, feeling secure with his arm tightly around him, their legs tangled together. Bones was tenderly stroking Jim's hair, his other hand gently holding Jim's arm in an unconscious gesture of possessiveness that warmed Jim and made him feel…loved. And safe.

He felt his body relaxing, the last of the tension he'd been feeling slowly draining away, the adrenaline that had flooded his system disappearing and taking its effects with it. Sometimes this was all he wanted…being held like this. They hadn't done a lot of that. They'd done a lot of other things, most of which Jim was totally down for, but this was just as important to him. Maybe even moreso. He could have sex with whoever…he only wanted to be close to Bones, though.

Jim knew, though, this quiet contentment wouldn't be allowed to last too much longer…Bones wouldn't be Bones if that was the case. He'd want to know what had happened, and he'd want to know soon. Jim knew he wasn't going to be able to simply gloss over his reaction and pretend like it wasn't a big deal…and he didn't really want to. He didn't want that to happen again, and he owed Bones an explanation.

"Jim," Bones murmured quietly into his hair a few moments later. "Can you tell me what happened?" Jim sighed and nodded.

"I…I love you," Jim said quietly. Bones tightened his hold on Jim and pressed a kiss to his head.

"I love you too, Jim. Tell me anything, please. I just…I never want to – I just want you to be happy with us. With me," Bones said, the emotion in his voice raw and impossible to miss. Jim furrowed his brow, confused by what he was hearing. He raised his head, meeting Bones' hazel eyes in the dim lighting of the room.

"I am happy with you Bones. I am so lucky to have you…I just, didn't want to do anything to mess it up. I want to be able to give you what you want. I really do. And I'm sorry I freaked out, but-"

"Wait…Jim. Just – hold on a second. What do you mean 'give me what I want'?"

Oh, god, he's gonna make me say it, Jim thought, feeling his face heat with embarrassment. Tucking his head down, hiding his eyes from Bones' searching gaze, Jim struggled to find the words, feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable. In the end, though, Bones seemed to take pity on him.

"I don't have much…experience…" Bones said lowly, shifting slightly, and Jim could hear the discomfort in his tone. "…and I – I was worried about being enough for you, Jim. I just wanted to give you what you want," he admitted, echoing Jim's words back to him.

It dawned on Jim, then, that they were both basically saying they were worried about the same thing, and instead of just talking about it, they made assumptions about each other. And this is where they ended up.

Figures.

Part 5

Jim huffed a laugh and moved so that he was lying more on Bones. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips. Passionate still, but not rough or demanding. Not this time. Bones responded to him, opening and meeting Jim, following his lead, and relaxing as it became obvious that Jim was showing him what he wanted. And it was what Leonard wanted, too. He threaded his fingers through Jim's hair, cupping his head, sliding one hand down to frame his face, gently brushing his thumb over Jim's cheek.

Jim pulled back and smiled down at Bones again, his eyes clearly and openly reflecting the love and compassion he felt.

"Bones, you are all I want. I don't need anything else. I don't want you to be anything other than what you are. I love you, just the way you are. You don't have anything to prove."

"But, what about…I thought…" Bones broke off and turned his face away, frustrated and confused. Jim was quiet for a moment, and then decided that he owed Bones. Settling back down next to him, Jim closed his eyes.

"None of it's true," he said.

"What?" Bones asked, turning back to look down at Jim.

"The stories. The reputation. A-about me." Jim flushed again and looked at Bones briefly before having to look away, uncomfortable with how much he was giving away. He never did that. With anyone. What people thought about him was his camouflage – his defense. And it always worked. With everyone. And now, he was just…letting it go.

He never thought he would do that. He never thought he would meet anyone who would make him want to do that.

Leonard considered that information, and ultimately decided that he was a dense idiot.

"So…all the stuff we've been doing…"

"I liked it," Jim said quickly. Too quickly. Leonard grunted and gave him a warning squeeze. Jim sighed. "I love you, Bones. I love being with you. And the other stuff…was fine - mostly…because I thought you liked it. But…but if it was for me, well, all I need is you."

Leonard nodded, kissing Jim and hugging him tightly. This is what had been missing…this final piece. With it, with this new understanding, he felt like they were finally on the same page, ready to move forward together.