Coping Mechanisms

Disclaimer: Sadly, I own neither Saving Hope nor Daniel Gillies.

Pairing: Joel & Alex (Jalex)

Rating: T

Summary: A Jalex twist on the events between 03x02: "Kiss Me Goodbye" and 03x03: "Awakenings." Bits of dialogue taken from 03x01: "Heaven Can Wait" as well.

It broke Joel Goran's heart to see Alex lying in the bed in the ICU His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her absolutely still like that.

She was usually so full of life and energy. Even when she was completely exhausted, she'd just exhale deeply, lean against a wall as if she were holding it up, and then she'd turn to him and give him a slight smile, even though it didn't always reach her hazel eyes.

But now, she was lying in the bed, her beautiful dark hair splayed across the overly starched hospital pillow.

There was a tube in her throat and the only sounds in the room were that of the heart monitor and the ventilator.

Joel clutched the St. Jude medal that Ian Taft had given him in both hands as he tried to catch his breath.

Malanda had tried to get him to talk to Alex but he'd just shook his head and whispered, "I can't."

Because everything he could think to say sounded hollow and ridiculous.

I'm sorry.

It was my fault.

I love you.

I need you.

Please don't leave me.

I can't let you go.

Joel exhaled one last time and put the St. Jude medal around his neck before he walked out of the I.C.U. turning away from Alex and diving into work.

Everyone had tried to tell him that what had happened to Alex wasn't his fault.

But he knew that wasn't true.

It was just a lie people told themselves.

A coping mechanism.

So he found himself sitting outside the E.R. with Zack telling him the story of how he and Alex met and how he'd stolen her bike just so he could give her a ride home.

Zack had smiled and said, "Smooth. So you liked her."

"Yeah, I liked her." Joel had replied.

But he knew that wasn't true either.

He didn't like Alex Reid.

He loved her.

And he had since the day he first saw her.

And he wasn't going to let her go.

He refused to lose her.

And he told her so as he sat with her at the end of the day.

Guilt was Joel's coping mechanism.

Alex.

Ian.

Roy.

He felt responsible for all their lives.

Ian and Roy were already gone.

But Alex was still here.

And she was the only one left to whom he needed to make amends.

He sat next to her on the hospital bed and looking down at her as she slept.

By now the tube had been removed and it took everything he had to resist the urge to kiss her.

God she's beautiful.

He thought as he spoke to her, not knowing whether or not she could hear him.

"I made this pact with myself today. I convinced myself that if I could save this one particular patient of mine…"

His voice trailed off as he swallowed his tears and went on, "That somehow that would make you get better."

He took another deep breath, leaning slightly closer to Alex and whispered, "I lost him."

If her eyes had been open she would've been staring right back at him.

"I refuse to lose you. You are staying here with me. Do you hear me, Alex Reid?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes shining with tears, "You belong here." He said softly just before he pressed his lips against hers.

And at that moment she opened her eyes and looked up at him, blinking uncertainly as she whispered, "Joel?"

He flashed her one of his trademark grins and replied, "Yeah. I'm here, Alex. I'm right here, love."

She stared up at him, and whispered, "Joel, where am I?"

"You're in the hospital. You were hurt, Alex." Joel answered, trying to keep his voice soft and even so he wouldn't frighten her. It's okay."

Alex shook her head, and tried to push herself up off the pillows, "No, I need to get up. I don't know how I got here…"

Joel placed one hand on her shoulder and held her in a gentle yet firm grip. "Alex, listen to me," He said, raising his voice slightly so that she could hear him over her anxious pleas. "It's the anesthetic wearing off. Just relax okay?"

Alex fell back against the pillows knowing that it was pointless to argue with Joel. Instead she just exhaled and reached for his free hand, "Joel?"

He looked at her and nodded, his heart filled with joy at the sight of her.

Conscious.

Awake.

Alive.

And it was his name on her lips in the moments after she regained consciousness.

She hadn't called out for Charlie like he'd expected her to.

And as much as Charlie had professed his love for Alex, he hadn't even been in the room when she'd opened her eyes.

But Joel had been there.

He told himself that had to mean something.

He hoped it meant something.

Hope was his coping mechanism.

He hoped there was still a chance for he and Alex to have a future together.

"Thank you," Alex whispered, leaning closer to him.

"For what?" He asked, smiling, meeting her halfway.

"For waking me up," She answered, just before she kissed him.