notes: because naruto is a very sad character, who is hurting more than he lets on. this isn't really up to date but whatever. i wrote this to counter attack mankind and vogel im käfig from the snk ost and i think my feels got the better of me.
try not to get lost, 'kay?
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'til it's summer, in the city
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(357)
Perhaps today is a good day to bring out the special ramen.
His dinner cooks, and Naruto sits and thinks in those few minutes of earsplitting silence.
Ignoring the hustle and bustle of the village just beyond the window, he eats his meal in quiet contemplation.
It's times like this where his room feels unbearably empty.
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(1)
On the day he is born, his village is in flames and ruins, and the scars the Nine Tails leaves are unforgivable. Such deep scars are embedded into his belly, and alone and cold, he cries for a mother who will never hear him.
(Iruka's mom and dad never come home, and unknowingly he already hates him for it.)
On this day, Konoha loses its Hokage.
And on this day, Naruto loses the meaning of parents.
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(21)
He is twelve when he makes his first friend.
(Or rather, rival, he should say.)
The boy is dark and gloomy and alone, like him, and sometimes he sees himself reflected in those cold, lonely eyes.
But then, the girl he fancies is in love with his newly found 'friend.' So Naruto thinks, maybe he should hate him instead.
(Maybe he always has.)
He is twelve, and he learns to despise his first friend.
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(92)
They clash at the Valley of End, at the thundering waterfall beneath the stares of their forefathers. He can't help but be reminded of empty promises and severed bonds.
He is desperate now, and he swears to himself and to Sakura (and to the precious friends he left to die on the way here) that he will bring Sasuke home, even if he has to break every bone in his body.
And then, there are tears and shouts thrown back and forth, because "You don't understand, Naruto!"
Oh, but he does.
"You were my best friend," says Sasuke, eyes full of death and no intention of ever going back. He aims a kunai at him, ready to kill.
And Naruto can't stop himself from breaking because he finally hears the words he has always wished for,
but it couldn't have been at a moment any worse than this.
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(9)
Young children should never have to experience harsh whispers and eyes full of hate, he thinks.
Naruto doesn't understand what it means to celebrate a birthday, because on that particular day, everyone remembers the monster fox and all the losses and the tears.
And how he wishes, every year, on an imaginary cake with nonexistent candles, for a purpose.
For a friend.
For an end.
Then, suddenly he has a dream. (He figures being the Hokage, you must have lots of friends.) And he is determined to go to any lengths to achieve it.
Because there is nothing worse than going day by day, having nothing or no one to live for.
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(71)
Konoha suffers another loss of a Hokage, this time by the hand of Orochimaru.
Naruto regrets not being able to thank him, to apologize to him. For everything. And he regrets that the Third won't be able to watch Konohamaru grow up into a fine shinobi.
The seat of power is open, but his dream has never felt further away.
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(330)
He is a hero.
(He doesn't feel like it, but everyone keeps calling him one, so he goes along with it.)
Those eyes, those haunting and dreadful eyes, now look at him with admiration and pride, and he almost feels betrayed.
But for now, he wants to scream and shout and let it all out, to the world. To his parents. And to Sasuke, because he would never see this coming, and just the thought of rubbing such an achievement in that arrogant bastard's face brings a smile to his lips.
Naruto goes home that evening, to a dark and empty room to celebrate by himself with a special ramen he has been saving.
It would be nice, he thinks to himself, to eat this with a friend.
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(278)
The popsicle melts into tiny droplets that match the rain in his eyes. And he doesn't really care, as they leave streaks painting his hand and the ground near his feet, because Jiraiya is dead.
It's a hollow feeling like a hole that will never close, and Naruto finds that he hates it more than anything in the world.
For the first time, he can truly understand.
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(45)
Sasuke dies on that bridge in the fog.
And Naruto remembers nothing but flashes of red and waking up with a fist pointed at the pretty boy from the forest.
"Maybe we could have been friends," he says.
And then a minute later, Haku is dead, and snow kisses his tear-stained cheeks on its way down from heaven.
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(214)
Naruto hates Sai.
He hates him because he looks like Sasuke, but he isn't. Sai is a walking corpse, he thinks, who only knows how to kill and smile.
(And he's not sure which part of him is creepier.)
Then, he goes and runs his mouth, and Naruto throws all of his anger and pain into a single fist that collides with a pale cheekbone.
He is all but satisfied at the dull crack that comes with it.
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(88)
Sakura cries for the loss of her first love harder than she has for anyone else.
"This is a once in a lifetime request," she sobs. "Please bring Sasuke back!"
And oh, it hurts (also because he feels her pain), but he buries such emotions under six feet of dirt. Then, he smiles, hollow and empty (he tries), and offers her an outstretched hand, thumb up and full of promises.
He decides to keep loving this girl, who is so painfully infatuated with the boy who repeatedly breaks her heart. Because she just can't seem to help herself.
(And neither can he.)
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(113)
The new soon-to-be Hokage laughs at his dream.
He proves her wrong a week later, and there is a promise born between them: he will never die before becoming Hokage.
Tsunade has little faith in the world (and even less faith in her bets), but she puts the cursed necklace around his neck and kisses his forehead.
She will make sure he keeps his promise because she is the Fifth Hokage, and that's what she's supposed to do.
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(180)
Gaara dies.
Naruto remembers meeting the disturbed boy during the Chuunin Exam some years ago. He remembers those same lonely eyes he used to always wear (before he had friends). Maybe Gaara needed friends.
He beats him, with a headbutt no less, and then there is an inseparable bond between them. Two boys who share the same dream.
The next minute, Gaara wakes up, surrounded by comrades. And Naruto holds Elder Chiyo in his arms and cries because she doesn't wake up like she usually does.
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(325)
He meets his father for the first time in the midst of a battle.
Before he can even make sense of the situation, Naruto lands a punch on the Fourth Hokage, because how could he!?
And he is sobbing softly into his sleeve and smiling so hard because this is his dad. He is sixteen when he meets his dead father within himself, and maybe all he needed was a little help picking up some of the pieces that were just too broken to fix alone.
More importantly, he believes in him.
That is enough to win.
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(226)
Sasuke brandishes his katana, from the edge of the crater. (Once again, he is reminded that Sai is not him.) In the next moment as he is in front of him, whispering in his ear something about 'whims' and 'sparing,' Naruto closes his eyes and vaguely thinks,
how can someone who can't even save his best friend become Hokage?
Sasuke plunges the sword into his back.
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(29)
A photo is taken, though it seems he wasn't quite ready for it.
Naruto is glaring and snarling at his stupid bastard of a friend, who only stares cooly at the camera, hands in his pockets. Kakashi has his palms resting on both their heads, a sheepish grin evident in his lone visible eye. And Sakura wears a cute and girlish smile, in the center of them all.
Team Seven is set on the path of glory, and he has never felt more at home.
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(365)
He sits and lets the water boil, wondering how a room so small could feel so big.
Then, there is a knock on the door and a voice that he recognizes. It swings open before the fist on the other side can even knock a second time, and Naruto is met by a barrage of hellos and cheeky grins.
Friends, he smiles back. And there is a feeling that washes over him, though he's not quite sure what it is.
The ramen sits forgotten on the table as they play cards and laugh and slap each other's backs 'til the sun is well gone.
They leave, home to their families, and Naruto stands and waves from the doorway until there is no one left in sight. Shutting the door, he turns with hands on his hips. Suddenly, the room doesn't feel so empty.
Naruto turns the lights off and waits for tomorrow.
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