Maybe It's Just Me

I sat alone in my room, just thinking. I wasn't proud of what I'd done, in fact I felt miserable and depressed about it. I walked over to my vanity and gazed at myself in the mirror. How I could still look at myself in the mirror I'll never know. I looked at all the photo's I had tacked around the edges of my mirror. Times when I'd been able to trust him; times when I'd allowed myself to have fun; times when I was just being me, not the girl everyone thought I was or wanted me to be. Those were the days I thought to myself.

Maybe it's just me, but you seem finally happy
I don't think I've seen your face just glow
Like a neon sign and maybe we should be alone for ever after,
Cause even thought the nights are long
At least I'll make it another day

When we were together I was the happiest I'd ever been, and he was too, I could see it in his eyes, in that small crooked smile that was always there but not at the same time. I could see it behind the ice blue eyes that on the outside hid so much pain and hurt and betrayal. And when I think about how I caused more hurt, more pain and more betrayal it's almost too much for me to bear.

Cause I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry,
but I can live without you if it makes you smile

I vowed to myself right then and there that I would never be the one to cause him any reason to ever feel hurt again. I couldn't live with myself if I did. I had to learn to see people for who they were and Ryan was the best thing that ever happened to me, and Oliver the worst. Combined they made for the worst day of my life. And the second worst day of my life. When Ryan rescued me from myself yet again, I thought things were fixed but I'd cut him to deep. I'd lost him and it was all my fault.

And maybe things got weird after all that went down
Things were oh so clear,
that I could never get the right
So tell me what your plans are
And tell me what you're doing
The only thing I'll hold against me is a picture of you tonight

Careful not to damage it, I took down the picture I'd been staring at all this time to get a closer look. He looked so happy, it's hard to believe that in a few days time our perfect world would be shattered at it would be all because of me. I looked at the picture for a few minutes more before holding it to my heart and sobbing quietly to myself.

Cause I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry,
but I can live without you if it makes you smile
And I can't wait to see you rise
and I can't wait for you to shine
But I can wait for you if all you need is...

I'm alone now, all alone. Because of myself I'm going to alone forever, I've ruined my only chance at a happy life because he was my happy life and I no longer have him to hold onto. You know what we haven't done for a while? Those words echoed through my mind as the best 9 words in the world. Better than Shakespeare and all the other famous poets and playwrights living or dead. What cements those words in my brain is what happened after he said them. The electricity and passion and love all in that 30 second kiss were everything I'd been feeling and holding onto since I'd made that first terrible mistake.

Time for you to think things over
Time to talk the drama down
It's not a contest of who'll try harder
Or who'll cross the finish line

Now every time I look down I can almost see blood on my hands, if I close my eyes I can see the look of shock and surprise in Trey's eyes as he falls forward, if I quiet my mind I can hear the sound of the gun shot as I pulled the trigger. On the spur of the moment I did what I thought was right, I saved Ryan's life and in doing so almost took another.

And I can't live if you're not happy
I can't live if you cry,
but I can live without you if it makes you smile
And I can't wait to see you rise
and I can't wait for you to shine
But I can wait for you if all you need is time

I've tried my best to make up for what I've done, and I'll be trying for my whole life to repay Ryan for what I almost took from him. By shooting Trey I saved Ryan and kept him in my life, if I hadn't impulsively pulled the trigger I might be sitting at the hospital waiting for the news that my beloved has passed away. But I'm not. I'm Marissa Cooper, I shot my boyfriends brother to save him and I don't regret it at all.

Song: Maybe It's Just Me – Butch Walker