so.. this is the revised one already.. i removed the one huge block of paragraph that annoys you.. hehe.. so i can make you happy as you read it.. also.. the thing you're saying about renji.. well.. ahmm.. i sort of revised it also.. i hope this is better..
Disclaimer: Bleach.. not mine.. definitely..
A Shinigami's Question
Rukia… Kuchiki Rukia… that's my name, but wasn't my name from the very beginning. Kuchiki… it was only attached to mine when I was adopted by Byakuya-sama. I wonder what my true family name was when I was still living in the filthy streets of Rukongai. I wonder if I even have one. Rukia… was that already my name even before I get to Soul Society? When I was still living in the human world… what was my name in the human world? I really can't remember living in the human world. I can't remember how I got to Soul Society. I can't remember the death of my, probably, once mortal body. Thinking about it, my first death could have occurred to me at a young age… because I reached Soul Society through a body of a child.
Decades have passed, only now have I thought about it. Funny thing that I got a chance to grow up in this world of souls rather than in the world of mortals. Decades have passed; it is really a funny thing that only now have I wondered, wondered if I ever really had lived a life in the human world before. I am very doubtful because I couldn't remember anything about it. Or is it just really like that, once you cross the other world, you tend to forget everything? For decades, I had walked through the creepy streets of Rukongai, spent all of my childhood days with Renji and the other kids. Until one by one, they died. Only Renji and I were left. Thus, I had decided to become a shinigami. Haha… decades have already passed, and it really is a funny thing for me to be only bothered at this time by a very intriguing thought. Our friends had died, but it never crossed my mind. A lot of shinigamis had also died, and yet I have never wondered. Kaien-dono died… no… that was a different thing. A hollow infiltrated him. So many souls living in Soul Society had lost their lives. This is it. Wouldn't you think it really funny that souls can still die? I mean, they're already souls. This is the critical question that suddenly bothered me and kept on bothering me. I can't be at peace until I get the answer. WHERE DO SOULS GO AFTER THEY DIE? Is there a higher form of Soul Society or the like? Do these souls really vanish for all time? Where do they go? What do happen to them? So many decades have already passed and it is only NOW that I have wondered about it. Has anyone thought of it also? Was it only me? What do other shinigamis think when they see a co-shinigami die in front of them? Have they ever wondered about the next destination of these souls, after they receive their second death? So painful, a soul can still die.
I started to search for the answer. But no one could give it to me. I told Renji about this thought of mine, but he just gave a negative feedback. He told me that it's not worth thinking about. Just let it go. I wonder if he wasn't really bothered about that thought. I asked my captain about it; even he didn't know the answer. I searched for it everywhere in Soul Society, but the answer was not there. It has bothered me so much, and YES, I can't really be at peace until I get the answer. I will do everything to find the answer. This is something that none in Soul Society knows. And if I get the answer, this will be a great discovery. And then I'll be at peace.
Finally, I have thought of a way to get the answer. It was risky, but I'll be happy 'coz I'll finally get what would make my troubled heart at peace. Of course, I told Renji about the solution I found. Only to him had I told about it. And because it was risky, he objected. But I insisted and kept on convincing him. He didn't stop scolding at me. That silly guy, he really couldn't let me do it. His voice was getting louder, continuously reprimanding me with words that he was already unconsciously saying. I put my index finger on his lips so as to stop him. And he did. At last, because of my stubbornness, he let me do as I wish. So tender… his hug was so tender. It made me have second thoughts to do my plan. He was hugging me tight, like never wanting to let go of me. Tears started to fill my eyes. I began to cry. And I had thought what a silly woman really I am. But I had made up my mind. I will do it.
Goodbye Renji.
I raised my zanpakutou high in the air, its tip pointing towards me. The moon's dim light reflected on my blade, mirroring my sad yet happy face. I looked at Renji… for one last time. He was stiff, his eyes were not moving… and neither blinking, but they were telling me that he'll be so lonely once I am gone.
I'm sorry.
I stabbed my zanpakutou right through my stomach. Piercing my flesh, it went through the other side of my body; blood started to ooze. Renji held me in his arms as I fell down on my knees. Something wet dropped on my face. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. Or am I really that dense? Tears were slowly streaming down his cheeks. He was crying. But without a sound, just tears, quietly falling down from his eyes. I raised my hand and touched his face… for one last time… and wiped away his tears. This was my second death, the solution in finding the answer to my question. I smiled at him… for one last time, for he supported me even until the very end.
Thank you.
Next thing I know was that I don't know anything. I opened my eyes and saw a bright light. But then, I didn't know that it was called light. I heard a loud cry, a baby cry, it was my voice, but I didn't know that what I was doing was called crying. I moved my hands and saw how little they were. But then, I didn't know that they were called hands. I was covered with blood, but not my own blood. And then I saw a calming face of a woman, smiling at me. She was my mother. But then again, I didn't know that mother was what I shall call her.
I finally got the answer. It's just that I'll never know that I got it.
When souls die there second death, well, we really don't know if it's only their second death, it could be their hundredth death already, they just don't know it, for after the souls living in Soul Society die, they are just being reborn again in the human world. It's just that they wouldn't remember that they have already lived a past life there.
So this is the fact about the cycle of a human's life: There is only a specific number of humans born since the creation; thus, they are just being recycled over and over. However, none knows of this fact. Neither a mortal nor a soul knows of this fact. Because the moment that they are reborn, they forget everything. Only the universe knows of this fact. And it will always keep it a secret. Unknown to man.
I got the answer but I'll never know that I got it.
Oh, by the way, Renji's still crying about my, technically, second death. I'll just never know that he's crying about me. 'Coz I don't know him anymore. Too bad.