I love you
Viktor stood on the familiar ice at Hasetsu Ice Castle, took a drink of water, while staring at nothing. So many happy memories here. But, that's not what his mind saw. Instead he remembered that terrible night in Barcelona 5 days ago. "After the Grand Prix Final, lets end this" Yuuri said. Even the memory of those words caused Viktor's heart to clench in pain. How could he say that after giving him the ring?! The ring itself was a shock. But it forced him to reevaluate his life; to really look at where he had been and where he wanted to go.
Surprisingly in the 9 short months Viktor had been skating with Yuuri, his priorities had changed. After meeting the very drunk Japanese skater who danced so provocatively at last year's banquet, he had come to Japan to coach Yuuri and thought maybe they could become lovers for the season. It turned into so much more.
Somehow Yuuri touched Viktor's heart in a way no one had ever reached him before. Some lovers had tried because of his fame. Most didn't bother. But that's the thing. Yuuri didn't try. His sincerity and genuine care for Viktor – the person, not Viktor Nikiforov – the skating super star, affected him deeply. He knew he had fallen in love with Yuuri. He had been so sure, so confident, so happy. Then Yuuri said those words less than a week ago and Viktor hadn't felt confident or sure of himself since. It was an unfamiliar feeling and he didn't like it. It affected his creativity on and off the ice. He took another sip, shook his head and looked down at his feet, staring at nothing.
Meanwhile, Yuuri had just left the office at Ice Castle. The Nishigoris let him borrow it as he made travel arrangements and attended to the countless details to move their training to Russia after Worlds in 3 weeks. They had just under two months left in Japan before Viktor needed to go back to Russia with at least part of his programs so he could begin training in earnest for his much-anticipated return. The skating world was excited. Yuuri was too. Meanwhile, Viktor was still there as his coach to finish the season at Worlds. They planned to work on Yuuri's jumps and finesse. However, this afternoon the focus was on Viktor. That was fine with Yuuri; he loved watching Viktor skate.
There was one tough moment though when talking to Coach Yakov. They were working out training times to incorporate Yuuri skating with Viktor as his coach when Yakov, in a moment of frustration said "Why are you doing this Yuuri, keeping Victor from focusing solely on his skating to coach you?!" Yuuri quietly told coach the truth, "I tried to set him free…. but he outstubborned me." There was a resigned understanding on the other end of the line. After that things got better and Yuuri was actually a little excited about training in Russia with Viktor and Yurio. He had already purchased an app for his phone and ordered several books which were on the way to help him learn the Russian language in anticipation of their move.
His mind still on details, Yuuri rounded the corner and stopped dead in his tracks. Everything about Viktor's body language spoke volumes. Something was very wrong. But what? Viktor had not been himself since Barcelona and Yuuri was at a loss. However, he knew in that instant, he had to do something. So, he called out to his partner across the ice, "Viktor. I need to get out of here for a while. Can we go for a walk on the beach?"
It didn't take them long to go back to Yutopia, drop off skates, grab Makkachin and head out again. Once on the beach the two athletes set a fast pace. They didn't speak much, just enjoyed the light workout while watching the waves roll in and the large poodle run in the sand.
Yuuri continued his inner dialog while battling his anxiety. What's wrong? How can I help if I don't know what the problem is? Ugh, my inexperience is showing. Why is Viktor troubled? He gives everyone his "press ready" smile because they don't see the difference. I do. He knows I do. I think that is why he so rarely smiles at me. His eyes are guarded except that one night when we were passionate. He gave himself over to me then and we are truly together. After was nice too, the way he held me close. But that night when he held me there was a restlessness to his touch. He's fidgeting with his ring a lot too when he thinks I'm not looking.
Those thoughts looped in his mind until Yuuri groaned thinking "seriously, what am I missing?!" Then suddenly it came together: the ring, their usual but absent mutual joy in each other, then Viktor crying when I said let's end this. I meant him being my coach. Viktor knows that right? I didn't mean let's end us! Oh no. In that moment it became crystal clear just how Viktor took his words and how hurt he must be feeling. Yuuri's anxiety kicked into overdrive, so that he actually stopped walking as his mind's eye connected the dots. "What if I ruined this" he thought. NO, NO, NO, what have I done?! His breathing hitched and suddenly he was gasping in ragged and shallow pants. His face went unusually pale instead of the normal flush when emotional.
Viktor looked over at Yuuri's stricken face and stopped as well. "What is it Yuuri? What's wrong?" Yuuri looked at him horrified at the pain he had inadvertently caused. "Yuuri, breath. Calm down. Breath." Viktor repeated. He was genuinely worried as he hadn't seen Yuuri like this in close to 9 months.
The younger man was trying desperately to get his breathing under control clutching Viktor's sleeve in the process. He had to get the words out! Tears welled up but did not spill over. The words finally did. "Viktor…. I screwed up and I don't know how to fix it." Tears fell then as he looked into those beautiful concerned blue eyes.
"Sit down Yuuri, let's talk." They were just about in the same spot as that first conversation on the beach almost a year ago. Together they sat on the low lying retaining wall, Yuuri still struggling for control. He let go of the other's shirt so he could face him directly.
"Viktor, in Barcelona when I said let's end things, I meant you being my coach. You know that right? I didn't mean let's end us! I thought it was the epitome of selfishness to retain you as my coach when I knew keeping you from the ice would slowly kill you inside as the competitive skater you are. I always want you to be yourself. That's all I've asked for from the beginning. I love you too much to be so selfish. But I…"
The words continued to trip over themselves as Yuuri's anguish became clear. So did his selfless intent. Then it hit Viktor – "Yuuri loves me. I don't know if Yuuri even realizes he said it" Viktor thought. But it didn't matter because for Viktor, it was like the sun finally came out after a long time of colorless grey. His whole face lit up, blue eyes sparkling with emotion.
Yuuri, filled with guilt and remorse looked at Viktor's radiant face and stopped talking. "Why is he smiling" he thought. Viktor closed the gap between them with a fiery kiss that blew all thoughts out of Yuuri's mind. Dazed, Yuuri looked at him, confused but silent.
"You love me" Viktor said, still smiling.
"Oh No. I blurted that out", Yuuri's mind panicked, eyes wide with unintended vulnerability.
"It's ok Yuuri." Grabbing his lover's shoulders, he replied quickly seeing the insecurity on Yuuri's face. "I love you too". As Viktor's words sunk in, he watched Yuuri's eyes change from fear, to wonder, then joy. Then Yuuri did something the Russian just loved. He reached up and caressed Viktor's face with such gentleness. No one had ever done that before Yuuri came into his lonely life. Viktor leaned into his touch, knowing they were finally on solid ground.
The two held hands walking home. Viktor was impressed with the travel and training details Yuuri had worked out so far. Yuuri beamed. The change in them was apparent to the Katsuki family the minute they walked in the door. Dinner that evening was filled with laughter and love which as always, included Viktor. He felt so blessed to have gained so much in Yuuri.
That night in their room Viktor played the music for his free skate, already seeing the moves he wanted to put together. Yuuri chatted on line with Phichit, smiling at Viktor's expressions as he choreographed in his head. One of the many things he loved about this man. The music ended so Yuuri turned off his phone.
"I love you" they said in unison, then laughed. This was going to be a great season.