The Mugiwara Question Column!!!
A One Piece Fan Fiction
by Sacred Sakura

First Conceptualized/Written: 4/1-2/2007
First Published: 4/2/2007

Rating: T for profanity, inappropriate implications, and humor
Genre: Humor (What else would I label it? (rolls eyes))
Disclaimer: I wish I owned One Piece, but I don't, so please don't sue me. The Mugiwaras' responses, however, are all my conception, save for factual information or content taken as fact in manga/anime.

Dedication: To HogwartShinobi, who I actually don't know and have never chatted with here. Her Ask Zoro fanfic inspired this. So, arigatou times one hundred!!!

A/N: Please submit any questions you may have for the Mugiwaras, be they specifically directed toward one or two members of the crew, or aimed at the entire crew at large. I will do my best to blackmail them all into answering!!! Please keep your questions rated "Teen" (or at the very least APPEAR so when taken literally by a naive person), else I will be compelled to censor or even not include your queries.

And another note: Sadly, Franky has disappeared somewhere (probably in the loo after accidentally drinking one of Usopp's Concoction Stars, although I don't think it was a Rotten Egg Star), so he most likely won't be appearing until Chapter Te—(a loud moan of agony emits from the nearby restroom)—uh, okay, maybe until Chapter Fifteen or Twenty... Gomen-nasai...

This first chapter opens up the Q and A. Please send your questions in the following format:

Dear (insert name of addressee or simply 'Mugiwaras' here),

(Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, etc.)
(Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, etc.)
(Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, etc.)
(Blah blah blah blah blah blah, etc.)

—(insert penname and (optional) question penname here)

It would make my already busy and stressed life so much easier. Thanks!

Article One: Ohayou Gozaimasu, One Piece no Sekai!!! (Good Morning, One Piece World!!!)

"Oi! Oi!! Minna!! Okite!! Okite!!!" yelled a bespectacled girl as she walked through the two cramped sleeping rooms of the Mugiwara Paper building, banging loudly on an aluminum pot with a cheap steel ladle. (Hey, we're poor, alright? We can't afford fancy 18/10 stainless steel!) "Shigoto suru jikan da!!! It's time to work!!!"

"Yosh, yosh, we got it," grumbled Usopp, yawning, as he attempted to rub the sleep from his eyes—with little result. "What time is it, anyway?"

"Time to work," the girl scolded, hands on her hips. She then recommenced banging on her makeshift alarm clock. "Minna!!! Okite!!! Okite!!!"

She stopped at a blissfully sleeping Sanji. "Wake"—she set off a violent kick into his sensitive parts—"UP!!!"

"Yyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Usopp sweatdropped. 'I'm sure glad I'm not in his place.'

"Mmmnnnnnyyaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh?" asked Luffy drowsily, sitting up. "Nan da...?"

"Wh-what the hell did you do that for!?!" Sanji demanded hotly, clutching his still-throbbing privates.

"Trying to wake you up, of course. Do you hate me for it?"

"YES I DO!!!" the blond replied, grinding his teeth in anger.

"Well, then. Do you want to kill me?"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK!?! YOU KICKED ME IN THE FU—"

"Somehow, I don't think Nami-san and Robin-san would appreciate seeing you apparently murder in cold blood their editor and agent for the Mugiwara Paper. In fact, I believe they would much rather prefer a nice, warm, hearty breakfast to start off the wonderful day."

Sanji froze, torn between two irresistible desires. Should he exact his revenge and later be scolded for cook's negligence, or prepare a feast and put off retaliation for another time?

The answer was clear and indisputable.

"Oh Naaaaaaaaaaaaaami-shwaaaaaaaaan!!! Roooooooobin-chwaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! Please rise and shine to a wonderful, delicious, healthful morning brunch!!!" And the blond went twirling toward the kitchen, hearts aflutter in the air all around him.

"Breakfast? Yay! I get dibs on the sausage!!!" Luffy ran off after the cook, grinning in anticipation.

"Oi! Zoro! Wake up!" The Mugiwaras' agent kicked the green-haired swordsman in the side. "It's time to get up, eat breakfast, and start working on answering questions for the 'Mugiwara Question Column'! Oi! Can you hear me or not!?!"

The swordsman didn't budge a centimeter.

She stared at him for a moment, then began to walk away. "Okay, then. I guess you can just go ahead and spend the next three days boozeless..."

Zoro's eyes shot open as he scrambled to pull on a shirt and rushed into the bathroom.

"Ha." She smirked, dragging a bleary-eyed Usopp by the nose into the living room. "I knew that would work."

"Mmmmmm! Something smells good!!" Nami murmured, her nose in the air.

Robin accompanied the ginger-haired girl into the living room. "Indeed. Good morning, Sakura-san." Noting that their agent had Usopp's nose in her hand, she queried, "Need any help?"

"That would be great," said Sakura, relieved, as she handed the still-unconscious youth to Robin's multi-handed care. "Oi, Sanji, is breakfast done yet? Nami and Robin are waiting."

"Like hell I care whether you're waiting or n—Naaaaaaaaaaaaaami-shwaaaaaaaaan!!! Roooooooobin-chwaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! Breakfast is ready!!!" The ero-cook floated into the adjacent and cramped dining room, trays of morning delicacies and treats balanced expertly on his head and in his hands.

"Took you long enough to get the grub ready," Zoro grumbled, taking a seat at the table.

"Let's eat!" cheered Luffy, already grabbing at the sausage links that Sanji smoothly maneuvered out of the dark-haired boy's reach.

"No! Nami-san and Robin-chan get first pick!" Sanji snapped, planting his foot in Luffy's eager face. His voice turned sugary sweet. "Here you go, my lovely ladies!"

"Aw, thank you, Sanji-kun," cooed the redhead, manipulative machinations evident only in her eyes.

"It looks delicious," complimented Robin.

Usopp at last awoke, aroused only by the mouth-watering aroma of Sanji-cooked breakfast. "Is the food ready?"

"'Good Morning, One Piece no Sekai,'" Sakura muttered under her breath. "'Welcome to the small world of the Mugiwara Kaizokudan...'"

Please send in questions!!!