DIGORY KIRK'S AND PETER PEVENSIE'S ADVENTURE IN NARNIA
"PROFFESER...WE LEFT YOUR FUR COATS IN NARNIA."
BY Tirlalaith (FantasyComedian)
(The events in this comedy take place after a year has passed and the Pevensies have gone their separate ways. Susan goes to America, Edmund and Lucy go to stay with the rotten stinker Eustace, and Peter comes back from school and stays with the professor. One night, Peter gets out of bed and walks to the refrigerator. He is about to open the refrigerator when he hears the proffeser's voice.)
Digory Kirk: I don't think it's any use going in there. Because you see, I've already tried.
Peter: Professor, I need to get your fur coats back.
Digory Kirk: Really?
Peter: Yes. It aggravates me that I didn't bring back your fur coats.
Digory Kirk sarcasticly: Well each one of those fur coats only cost $96 in Walmart.
Peter sarcastically: I'm sorry, Professor.
Digory Kirk: No, your not sorry.
(Peter stops being sarcastic.)
Peter: Sorry.
(The two sit in silence. Digory then hits Peter on the leg.)
Digory Kirk: Well don't just stand there! Try the handle and see if you can get in.
Peter: Into where?
Digory Kirk: Into the refrigerator.
(Digory starts wheezing and laughing. Peter is not humored but goes up to the refrigerator. Digory stops laughing and steps behind Peter. Peter is about to pull on the handle but hesitates.)
Digory Kirk: Well what are you hanging back for?
Peter: Could it be that we end up in Monsters Inc?
Digory Kirk: Don't be ridiculous. Just pull the handle.
(Digory grabs the handle and pulls the refrigerator open. There they see Sully & Mike roaring and shouting. Digory and Peter get scared and start running around the room. Mike & Sully follow them around in circles until they scare Digory and Peter into the refrigerator. Digory closes the refrigerator just in time. Mike jumps to get them but slams himself on the refrigerator and slides down slowly. Digory and Peter then turn around to find themselves in Monsters Inc. Various monsters are about working when all of the sudden they stop when they see two humans in their world. All monsters go crazy and make a dash for anything they can find to hide behind. Peter and Digory then look around, amazed at the technology that has progressed. They then here a noise that sounds like "ka-ching". They then look and see the refrigerator door going slowly up. Peter and Digory yell in fright and make a bolt for the door. They grab on just in time. They then open the door and get in. They then find themselves in Narnia.)
(The two gaze in awe and then start for the electric lampstand. While they are walking, Digory looks behind himself and sees the refrigerator all by itself in the forest. Satisfied, he & Peter reach the electric lampstand.)
Digory Kirk: Well Peter, where do we go now? Surely you didn't leave my fur coats too far into Narnia.
(Peter chuckles nervously and Digory goes grim.)
Peter anxiously: I do remember that I had left a homing device in the fur coats.
(Peter pulls out a homing transmitter. He turns it on. A beeping happens and the screen shows a bar that says it is loading by this much %. Digory goes cross-eyed.)
Digory Kirk: I hope that beeping is not the sign of a bomb.
Peter: Of course not. It shows that it is loading.
(Peter's homing transmitter fully loads and a map of Narnia is shown on the screen. Higher beeping then issues and Digory's eyes go more cross-eyed.)
Peter studying HT: The homing transmitter says that it is in a museum in Cair Paravel.
(Digory then goes half-crazy.)
Digory in a high-pitched, angry voice: Cair Paravel? Cair Paravel is...
Peter: Only 50-150 miles from here.
Digory in a high-pitched, angry voice: Now look all the hullabaloo you got me into!
(Peter sighs and stuffs the homing transmitter into his back pocket.)
Peter: It was your idea to come here.
(Digory can contain himself no longer and goes fully crazy and mad.)
Digory: Woohoo! Great! I don't care what happens to us! I don't care if we get eaten by Coloermans, or whatever they're called, or sold as slaves by lions!
(Digory then stops going crazy and mad and contains himself calmly.)
Digory Kirk: Well, if there is no other way to get my fur coats back...then we'll fly over there.
(Peter sees the genius of Digory's idea and he rubs his hands.)
Peter: Good idea!
(But then Peter remembers something.)
Peter: How are we going to fly? A helicopter or airplane couldn't land in this forest.
(Digory stops rejoicing.)
Digory Kirk: True. Well look on your GPS and see where is the nearest airport in Narnia.
(Peter nods and pulls out a GPS. He turns it on and studies the details listed on the screen.)
Peter: According to the GPS, the nearest airport is Beaversdam. Which is not too far away from here. Only a half a day's walk.
Digory Kirk: Well then, we don't have a moment to lose.
Peter: Right.
(The two then start off for Beaversdam on October 29, at 11:00 A.M.)
(The two then reach Beaversdam at about 4:00 P.M and are both tired out and need a "breather". Beaversdam's citizens are busy, and people and mostly talking animals are about to their own business. Digory is amazed how Narnia has gone up in technology since he had left Narnia. Peter goes up to a beaver bystander.)
Peter: Excuse me, where is Beaversdam Airport?
(The beaver bystander tells him the directions and Peter and Digory follow them. When they reach Beaversdam Airport they go in and Digory goes up to the counter.)
Digory Kirk to Ticket-Seller Gopher: How much is a ticket to Cair Paravel?
Ticket-Seller Gopher: Well let's see, (*whistles*) that'll be 98₤ to fly there (*whistles*).
Digory Kirk: 98₤? My bicycle didn't cost that much!
(Ticket-Seller Gopher lifts an eyebrow and is not convinced.)
Ticket-Seller Gopher: Of course your (*whistles*) bicycle didn't cost that much. My own hot-rod didn't cost that much. It cost more!
(Ticket-Seller Gopher starts wheezing and laughing for a while until his sides start to ache from laughing too much.)
Peter: Well, we'll pay it. Professor?
(Digory wants to "explode" but withholds his anger and places 98₤ into the gopher's hand; the gopher doesn't withdraw his hand.)
Ticket-Seller Gopher: Plus tax.
Digory Kirk: What are me and my pupil going to fly and feed on? Air?
Ticket-Seller Gopher says dryly: You're going to feed and (*whistles*) fly on Narnian Airlines.
Peter: Where does the tax go to? I demand that you give me an answer!
Ticket-Seller Gopher: Hold your horses, (*whistles*) sonny. Hold your horses. The taxes go to our good lord and emperor, Prince…I mean King Caspian.
(Peter goes cross-eyed but the professor doesn't notice.)
Digory Kirk: Fine then! We'll pay it!
(Digory puts two pence into the Ticket-Seller Gopher's hand. Ticket-Seller Gopher is then satisfied.)
Ticket-Seller Gopher: Ahh. That's more like it, sonny.
(Ticket-Seller Gopher hops down from his high chair and goes into a back room.)
Digory Kirk indignantly: Sonny? Why does he call me sonny?
Peter: Maybe he likes you.
Digory Kirk: I don't like that. Makes me feel like I'm stupid.
Peter: Yeah. I wonder.
(Ticket-Seller Gopher comes back out of a back room.)
Ticket-Seller Gopher: All right, (*whistles*) sonny. You can board your airplan.
Peter: It's actually called an airplane. With an E at the end.
Ticket-Seller Gopher: Enough of your lollygagging! Get on board (*whistles*) sonny!
(Peter and Digory go on board the plane. It is a United Narnia Airlines airplane and can hold 150 Narnian animals, or 300 humans. Peter gets a tray of twinkies and Digory gets a tray of ding-dongs. Digory looks at the ding-dongs with disgust.)
Digory Kirk: I wonder why they gave you Twinkies and I got ding-dongs.
Peter: Because I ordered it that way.
Digory Kirk: I don't like that. It makes me feel like I am a ding-dong myself.
Peter: That's why I ordered it.
(Digory gasps in awe and disgust. After a couple hours of flying, they come to Cair Paravel International Airport. They get off the plane and enter into the large city of Cair Paravel. Peter pulls out his homing transmitter device and sees that the museum is not far away. They order a unicorn taxi, and ride to the museum. They come in time to see two fauns draping a large banner over the entrance of the museum. It says, "NEWEST ARTIFACT, DIGORY KIRK'S TOFEE TREE!" Digory Kirk's eyes gleam with excitement and he nudges Peter.)
Peter: What?
Digory Kirk: That's another thing we need to take back.
Peter: What thing?
(Digory Kirk points to the banner. Peter reads it and shakes his head.)
Peter: They'll have it under very strict guard. At least for a couple months!
Digory Kirk: Well there is no hurry. Besides my boy (*they enter into the museum*) we will be able to get what belongs to us, even if it means imprisonment.
Peter mumbling: Sounds pretty bright.
(They come into the museum where they are greeted by a female centaur who asks from them 5 silver pieces to enter into the museum, which Peter gets out and gives to the centaur 5 silver dollars. The female centaur's eyebrows rise slightly and she looks at Peter.)
Female Centaur 3: Are you from around here?
Peter stammering: Umm, uh, yes. I used to live here. Um…uh…long time ago.
Female Centaur 3: Hmm. Where do you live now?
Peter: By Lantern Waste.
Female Centaur 3: Well I'm glad you know how to take care of your clothing properly.
(Female Centaur 3 starts typing on a computer. Digory's eyes widen in wonder.)
Digory Kirk: How did you upgrade to such bright technology?
Female Centaur 3: Where have you been in the last two hundred days?
Digory Kirk: Well in my…
(Peter covers Professor Kirk's mouth and smiles nervously to the female centaur.)
Peter: He usually stumbles over his own words. What he really meant to say was that he never receives mail back in Lantern Waste.
(He removes his hand from Digory's mouth but Digory turns grim and silent.)
Female Centaur 3: Uh-huh. Then I guess you must be newborn babes. (*lightly scoffs*) For King Caspian had made it a law in the land that everybody should get his national email titled, "Technarn Desk" to inform everybody on the latest technology that everybody must get. You see, since you don't seem to understand, that if some old technology enters into the NWW…
Peter: What is NWW?
Female Centaur 3 sighing in frustration: You of all people with fine clothes and living in a populated land would have surely understood that NWW stands for Narnia Wide Web.
Peter stammering: Oh. I'm…uh…sorry. The reason why I don't understand that code is because our computer has been broken for…for…
Digory Kirk whispering to Peter: Eight years.
Peter: For eight years.
Female Centaur 3: If your computer has been broken for eight years, then why did you not inform our dryad messengers? They would have brought quick news to the ERS, which of course as you know stands for Eternal Revenue Service. They would have loaned you money to get a new computer and then would not have charged you until your Death Tax came around.
Digory Kirk: But…but…but…but…but…that's…
Female Centaur 3 smiling sweetly: I know. It's almost too wonderful to say. They are quite charitable.
Peter mumbling: Ohhhh boy.
Digory Kirk mumbling: Plain old robbery.
Female Centaur 3: Anyway my dear sirs, I must let you go. I can meet up with you two when you are done looking at the fine collection of artifacts that we have here. Maybe we could have…dinner.
Digory bowing slightly: It would be a deep pleasure.
(Digory and Peter then go into the museum which is very crowded today. Not one artifact do they miss. They see things that they have gathered like,
The Witch's Wand, Her sleigh, Ginabrik's whip, a replica of Susan's megaphone which children could touch and play with to know how it worked, Aslan's mane, Edmund's sword, a replica of Peter's lightsaber, the fruit of the special tree that Digory had planted when he was a boy, weapons from every nation were hung there, Digory's axe, mace, sword, and shield were hanging there with absolutely no hint of rust and also Lady Polly's spear and shield. There were small creatures that were being grown and seen there and even Digory's toffee tree was found, standing and growing in a case of glass with two fauns standing by as guards. Peter didn't know, but Digory thought he could smell the toffee fruits from where he was standing.)
Digory: Ahh. It's beautiful.
Peter: Very pretty.
Digory: Well let's go. (*grabs Peter's arm*)
Peter stammering: But…the coats!
(Digory whispers into Peter's ear.)
Digory: Shhh! Quiet! Stay calm. I've got a plan!
(They run out from the museum. They reach the bottom of the stone steps when Female Centaur 3 comes galloping down behind them calling after them.)
Female Centaur 3: Wait! You two down there, wait!
(Digory turns around and a faint smile appears.)
Digory: We'll have dinner later. (*salutes a kiss towards her and turns around and continues running with Peter*)
Female Centaur 3: Come back!
(Digory leads the way, while a confused Peter follows behind.)
Peter: Where are we going?
Digory: To the Narnian Library.
Peter: We won't find the coats there, though!
Digory: Hush up my good pupil and watch the magic work!
(Digory and Peter enter into a skyscraper building which is the Library of Narnia. They both sit down and start reading books of Narnia's history; though Digory doesn't forget what his objective is. They spend all day studying but Digory mainly wants to find out what is the law for the contemporary Narnian life. Peter falls into a sweet sleep but Digory stays up fervently studying until the next day; he has found what he was looking for. Professor Digory wakes up Peter and together, they head for the headquarters of the Eternal Revenue Service. While walking Peter stops and pauses the professor in his steps.)
Peter: Professor, I need to tell you something.
Digory: Well go on.
Peter: I need a disguise.
Digory: What for, laddie?
Peter hesitatingly: Well…there's just this…little…tiny problem…I…uh…
Digory: GET ON WITH IT YOU IMBECILE!
Peter: Aslan said I was never to come back.
(Digory sighs with relief.)
Digory: Then by Aslan's change of mind and grace, he has let you back in.
Peter: No. It's not just that. Since I'm back in Narnia; and it looks like I've only been gone for a couple years by Narnian time, someone here in Narnia might recognize my face and then we will have to face news reporters and then…
Digory with dawning realization: Then we won't be able to get the fur coats.
Peter: We will be so surrounded with publicity, we will never again get a chance to get the fur coats.
Digory: That means, our mission must be secret and our whereabouts unknown.
Peter: Exactly.
(Digory fishes out some money and hands it to Peter.)
Digory: Here's 15₤. Go get yourself in a disguise. And do be quick!
Peter: Right.
(Peter disappears into the stream of Narnians that are going to and fro about their business. A half hour later, Peter appears wearing a ski mask.)
Digory horrified: Good heavens man, you want to get us all killed?
Peter: I'm sorry professor. But at this costume/masquerade shop, all the masks and disguises were made for Narnians.
Digory indignantly: WE ARE NARNIANS!
Peter: I meant the creatures of Narnia.
(Digory rolls his eyes.)
Digory: Oh boy.
Peter: We'll just have to make the best of it.
(Digory grumbles quietly and the two enter into the E.R.S. They come into the parlor where some other Narnian customers are lounging or reading magazines. Digory and Peter step up to a desk and ring the bell for the clerk. No one shows up. Digory taps on the bell more vigorously. They then hear a motor quietly whirring and a dwarf slowly rises up behind the desk. Peter peers over to see that the dwarf's seat is being elevated by hydraulics. The motor stops running and the dwarf is now eye level with Peter and Digory. He looks at Peter inquisitively and Peter swallows. He recognizes the dwarf as Trumpkin.)
Trumpkin: You know, we don't take thieving in Narnia too lightly.
(Digory becomes confused.)
Digory: Uh…of course.
Trumpkin: I don't care whether you come from Ettinsmoore or from Calormen but I suggest you don't even try to start a robbery here.
(The two of them then realize that it is all because of Peter's ski-mask that is causing suspicion.)
Digory: Umm…if you're referring to my nephew…then please forgive me. He wears the mask because of…of…
Peter whispering into Digory's ear: We're circus performers.
Digory: Right! We're circus performers!
Trumpkin in a drawl: Dressed a little oddly for circus performance.
(Digory and Peter chuckle nervously.)
Digory: Oh yes. We both just ended our performance for today.
Trumpkin to Peter: Take your mask off, young man or you might excite the security guards.
(Peter's eyes widen but Digory is confident.)
Digory: Oh don't worry. We will be able to explain our case…
Security Guard: ROBERRY!
(Peter and Digory turn and both of them are filled with terror when they see a minotaur security guard emerge from a room. The minotaur rushes with his head down and hits Digory in the chest. Fortunately, because of the potency of Narnian air, Digory is not hurt. But he falls backwards into Peter and they both collapse into a "fake tree." Digory gets up a little dazed while the minotaur pulls out an axe from behind his back.)
Peter satisfied: Ah. It's just a rubber axe.
(The minotaur swings the flat of his axe into Digory's cheek. He falls over unconscious. Peter is calm and trying to speak, when all of the sudden the "fake tree" which looked like plastic to Peter and Digory, is actually a dryad. It whips out two vines and grabs Peter from behind and ties him up. Peter tries to shake himself free but the vines hold him tight.)
Minotaur Security Guard to Vine-Dryad: Hold him there! While I give him a round or two!
Peter: Now see here just a minu…
(Peter gets whacked in the face with the Minotaur's rubber axe.)
Vine-Dryad: Way to go Udemin! Give him the sock!
Peter: Wait!
(Peter gets whacked again, and again until Peter is near unconsciousness and is dazed stupid. The minotaur then reaches over and pulls off his ski-mask and a wide grin sets on his face.)
Minotaur Security Guard sarcastically: Oh. It's King Peter the Magnificent, himself! (*motions with his hands, expressing quotation marks*) Well maybe the guy is wearing a face mask!
(The minotaur reaches over and grabs both of Peter's cheeks, attempting to pull off the face mask that he thinks Peter is wearing. Peter starts groaning in pain.)
Trumpkin: That's enough!
(The minotaur stops pulling on Peter's cheeks.)
Trumpkin: They've learned their lesson.
(The vine dryad releases Peter and he falls forward into a glass table and breaks it; though he doesn't get cut, fortunately.)
Trumpkin motioning to minotaur: Now take these two hooligans out and see that they don't come back.
(Peter feels himself picked up by one of the minotaur's hands and he slowly comes back to himself. He gives one look at Trumpkin and dumbly says,)
Peter: Vait. (*points to Trumpkin*) I wanted to discuss a loan with you.
Trumpkin satisfactorily: You can do that, just as easy in jail.
(Peter feels himself thrown outside. He lands just a foot away from a pile of unicorn dung. Peter slowly gets up, but gets knocked down by something heavy and he lands face-down in the unicorn dung. He hears Professor Digory breathing into his ear and he slowly pushes him off. Digory wakes up and dumbly looks around and then with realization setting in, a look of grim anger sets on his face.)
Digory: Narnia is not very welcoming.
(Peter gets up with unicorn dung covering all his face.)
Peter: Nor is the taste of it!
(Peter spits.)