"Edward, why won't you just have sex with me? It's the one thing I want! Instead you give me a ton of shit worth a million bucks. Sex is free," she said, feeling chagrined.
"I see the chagrin in your eyes, Bella. And we can't because I will rip you to pieces. When I get hungry, I get hungry. I was hoping all that expensive crap that I don't give a chagrined rat's ass about would make you shut up about the sex issue. Now come on, Esme is waiting to take you dress shopping. God knows you need it."
As Edward and Bella headed back to the Cullen house, Bella felt another wave of chagrin coming on for pissing Edward off. Well, fine. If he wouldn't do it with her, she would just have to learn to do it herself. They pulled into the driveway where Rosalie was talking to Alice. Rosalie glared at the car, then laughed at something Alice said. Bella stepped out of the car, only to fall on her face in a giant puddle of animal crap.
Rosalie laughed mirthlessly. "I guess your friend Jacob wanted to give you a present. He felt overly chagrined by the fact Edward buys you lots of stuff and he never gave you anything."
"Sorry, Bella. I should have warned you, but Rosalie seemed to think it would be nice if you would chagrin yourself before going inside," said Alice. Bella got up and of course, felt chagrined at her clumsiness. She walked in side, where Edward dragged her to the bathroom and turned the shower on, and threw Bella inside fully clothed.
"Esme is going to have to take you shopping naked now! Well, maybe we have some old censor signs upstairs…" Edward mumbled to himself. He felt chagrined at picturing Bella naked, and it wasn't something he wanted to do again anytime soon.
"Bella? Bella? Bella? Bella?" came Esme's voice from the hall. Bella jumped out of the shower and ran to Esme, dripping wet.
"Esme! You remind me of my mom, sometimes," she said with a giggle.
Esme had a look of utmost chagrin on her face. "Do you realize that you are dripping all over my house?" Esme groaned. "Edward! Clean up your chica's mess, we're already running late. And give her a towel, I don't want her chagrined drippage all over my nice car."
Edward was back in an instant with the biggest towel Bella had ever seen. Bella was more chagrined than ever as he burrito'd her in the massive piece of fabric. Esme whisked her away to the store to find some real clothes.
Edward looked at the mess on the floor. "That stupid chagrined bitch. Look at this mess she made!" He groaned and set to work, promising himself he would make her pay him back for this.
A/N: I know this sucked. I hope you enjoyed it.