The way they had carried on wasn't entirely false.
Nobody seemed to understand it at all. Well, that wasn't exactly true- he'd learned to expand his horizons more than that. But hardly anybody understood what had really been going on between him and Kaoru.
The twincest thing had all been an act. The brotherly love thing hadn't. He would have thought that would be obvious. It seemed to him that anything Kaoru had ever done had been for him. And he would have done anything for Kaoru, too, if he'd seen an opportunity. But he'd always been too self-absorbed, too stupid to notice when he'd had the chance. Some brother he'd been.
Kaoru had always been the mature one. Kaoru had noticed things. If anyone was upset or lonely or selfish or a complete idiot and was hurting because of it, Kaoru had noticed, and had tried to help make it better. It was just one of the many ways that Kaoru had far outshined him as a brother. Kaoru had just been more attentive.
And that was the crux of the matter, wasn't it? If he'd been just a little bit more attentive he wouldn't be in this mess right now! If he'd been more attentive, he wouldn't have been stupid enough to step in front of that bus. And if Kaoru had been just a little less attentive, a different twin would be dead right now.
The service was nothing big- their mother hadn't even been able to come- but the entire host club had come, as well as a few of the girls who had so often designated the twins in the past. Many tears were shed- there was Haruhi, losing any trace of dignity and burying her face in Tamaki's chest as she cried, and Mori, doing his best to comfort his cousin despite his own pain. Even Kyouya had allowed Renge to cry on his shoulder for once. But he was off to the side, seeing things through the surreal light that always seemed to surround one when dreaming, as if the events unfolding before him were just the work of his imagination, and any moment he would wake up warm and safe in bed and it would all be over and Kaoru would be next to him snoring and everything would be fine.
But he wasn't dreaming, and he knew it. There was no end to this nightmare, and he knew it. He was alone. Before, the word hadn't even been in his vocabulary- for who needed a silly word like "alone" when all he had to do was look over his shoulder and Kaoru would be there? Now every day was a painful reincarnation of the word, and life was cold and meaningless. No matter how hard anyone tried, nothing could change that. Nothing could take away the loneliness.
It should have been him, not Kaoru. Kaoru wasn't the clueless idiot who had stepped in front of a moving bus. Kaoru had just been the one paying enough attention to push him out of the way at the last moment. He had made a mistake, and Kaoru had paid for it. Was that the way life worked, then? He did something stupid, Kaoru ended up dead. How many more people would suffer for his careless mistakes.
Not the Host Club. He would make sure of that. He was of no use to them alone. After all, surely the customers had been coming for loving, kind Kaoru, and not his stupid, self-centered twin. He didn't belong there any longer, and he wouldn't impose upon them like some little lost sheep, desperate for attention. They had to find some way to get by without Kaoru. They could get by without him.
The wind blew past him, cold and careless, and a few snowflakes began to fall from the sky. They melted away to nothing at his touch. Just like his Kaoru. Just like his life.
He slept alone that night. The bed was cold.