I never said goodbye.
"I'm very sorry ."
"Thank you. I just wish I could see him again. Just once more."
"He wanted to see you. During the last few days all he said was 'Phil, My Phil. Where are you?' in the same desperate tone, over and over. It was just this morning he got hold of a pen and scrawled your address across his bed sheet. That's how we found your phone number. We were going to call you in to visit, he knew he was slipping away, we're so sorry it was too late."
"Thank you. Thanks for the call."
"Goodbye sir."
As the line went dead, Phil placed the phone down on the desk with a shaking hand. The 48 year old man sighed and slowly sat back in his chair. Before he realised what was happening, there were tears rolling slowly down his face.
His Dan. His best friend. He hadn't seen him in year.
He thought back to the very beginning. When they just became friend. Dan's first video. Their first collaboration video. The obsession with llamas. Delia Smith, and of course, placentas. He hadn't thought about that for what seemed like forever and despite the situation a small smile crept across his lips.
He remembered when they first moved in together in Manchester. Starting the Super Amazing Project. Moving to London. All these images were flashing up his mind and they made him cry harder.
He then thought to when they began to drift apart. Phil got his girlfriend and eventually moved out. The got married and had two children. Dan said he was fine. But Phil could see now that he wasn't. He was lonely. They were still friends. The still made videos, but slowly, that came to a stop. Phil remembered looking back at the most recent danisnotonfire video and seeing '5 months ago'. Then '2 years ago'. Eventually, as it hit '10 years ago' Phil had realised he was seeing less and less of Dan. It got to the point where they would sent each other Christmas and birthday cards but other than that, communication was minimal.
Phil had begun to forget about the man who had been his best friend. Until today. Today, Phil remembered. Today, Phil got the news. Today, cancer had gotten the better of Dan. His Dan. Today, Dan had taken his last breath, spoken his last words, cried his last tear. Today, Daniel Howell, had died.
As the news sunk into Phil's mind, he put his face in his hand and wept until there were no more tears to cry. He looked up at his wife who had found him crying and said nothing, knowing he just needed the time, and whispered
"I never said goodbye."
As Phil walked towards the open coffin at the front of the church, he looked around him. The rows of people, mostly with tears staining their face, friends and family of Dan. Phil had not yet cried. He was determined to be strong. For Dan.
Phil turned to face the people sat looking at him, and cleared his throat.
Here goes, he thought.
"Where do I even begin? Daniel Howell was my best friend for many years. I have so many happy memories and I can easily say that most of them are due to him. He was always smiling, he had the best sense of humour, and although rather violent at times, he always was a big softie. The best parts of my life were because of Dan and I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for him. He was a good man. A great man. At one point, he meant everything to me."
He could no longer hold himself together and tears began to fall. He turned to face the coffin and took a few steps towards it, now addressing Dan.
"Dan. I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I took you for granted. I never noticed you were slipping away from me until you were gone. Looking back now, I know I could have, should have done something. Our friendship was the best one I had and I am so sorry I didn't do more to hold on to it. You're gone now. I should have been there. I should have been there next to the bed, holding your hand, crying for you not to go. But all I have now is the regrets of what I didn't do. All I can hope is that you will forgive me. I love you Dan. I will never forget you."
Crying rather heavily now, he walked right over to the coffin, leant over and placed a soft kiss on the cheek of his dead friend and laid a small photograph on Dan's chest. A photograph of the two of them in the last year of their friendship. The memories Phil would never forget.
"Good bye Dan."
Phil turned and walked out of the church, and sat on a bench outside, crying for all it was worth.
What Phil didn't know, was that Dan was still there. Not physically, but he was there, watching over Phil, he wanted nothing more than to hug him, but he could do nothing but reach out to something he couldn't touch.
"Oh Phil." He whispered. "I'm so sorry. I never said goodbye."