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Author's Note: De-anon from Kinkmeme Minvade20.
Sixth, mild USUK hinting heh. Soon as I figure out how to format England Weighs the Same as a Duck, will put that up.
Jumping Jackalopes.
America's potential bedmates had discovered an incredible magic trick of disappearing as soon as they so much as started stripping America.
Argentina had disappeared from right in front of him as they were tonguing!
America had been left unheroically snogging the air.
And in a very needy state.
Grumpily, America trudged off to the phone, stabbed in the familiar number, one ring, two ring, wedding ring, whatever ring,
"Arthur Kirkla-ah!"
"Is Argentina there?" America asked sullenly.
"Good evening - it is evening there? Yes, well, good evening Alfred, and yes." England gave an awkward pause. "I'm afraid I don't know why Starspangled Sparkle-" America snorted at the name, despite the fact he was so hard, you probably could have broken granite on his dick. England was helping though; whilst the British accent was undeniably attractive, the fact this one belonged to an old friend talking about a fucking unicorn named Starspangled Sparkle McSissypants the fourth or something did tend to remove the sexual element from America's mind. "Keeps sending me your guests." England clicked his tongue in thought, briefly talked to Argentina about the guestroom, and the possibility of a flight out from Heathrow the following day, and then returned to America. "Unicorns aren't known for taking such measures, seeing as they are essentially benevolent creatures; though Starspangled Sparkle is very-"
"Yeah, cool story bro," America yawned. "Can you make him stop?"
Is it too much to ask to get laid once in over two hundred years of existence?
"Maybe..." England hedged around the answer. "It would help if I knew why he was doing it..."
"Why don't you ask him already?" America grumbled, the last of the arousal felt like it was slipping out of his toes as his bad mood slipped back in.
"Unicorns are very mysterious creatures." England explained primly - even haughtily. God, England was prissy. He even gave a delicate sniff, and America guffawed down the phone. "I heard that, you plonker," England muttered, and then made the huff of air he did when he shrugged. "Was Argentina physically threatening you?"
"Nooo-ooo..." America answered, drawing the vowel out.
"Well, unicorns can be very protective of those they consider important to them, so, perhaps Starspangled Sparkle thought you were in danger?"
"In danger of a very very nice night!" Argentina cut over from the side; apparently Argentina had been listening in.
England made a series of shooing, scuffling noises, and America guessed Argentina was being bundled into the lounge. England would probably head over to the bathroom to finish the call; or somewhere else secluded in his house; America knew he locked himself in the bathroom to make sensitive, or personal calls he didn't want guests overhearing. America had hopped, and whined outside the toilet door on once such occasion.
"America," America grunted to let England know he was still there. "Are you a virgin, per chance?"
"W-wh-what?" America spluttered. Okay, sure maybe he was a bit puritanical, but he'd totally loosened up recently. He was cool! He was cool and sexy and totally okay about it too!
"Unicorns favour purity, virginity," England carried on; and America kept anything but calm, babbling and blushing in the most unheroic way possible. He felt like a complete loser. "So, if you are - ah, let's... hm - if you are..." England cast about for a good euphemism. "Unbuttered." England settled on.
And America burst out laughing.
"America, do be serious! I am as tired as you are of your intended lovers appearing, sometimes semi-naked, in my house."
"I-I told y-you, Japan was just changing for a swim!"
"Likely story." England snorted. "Right, well, if you're a virgin, it's quite likely Starspangled Sparkle will continue to rigorously defend your chastity."
"What?" America yelped. "Can I give him back?"
"Unicorns are not to be treated as chattel." England gave another sniff.
"Bullshit! You gave him to me as a birthday present! Can't he defend your virginity instead?" America thought for a second. "Oh yeah, you're Europe's whore... right..."
"Excuse me?" An affronted yell of what should have been a polite phrase. "That would be France!"
"Yeaaa-ah, not buying it, dude," America snickered. "You loved sticking your flagpole into anything that vaguely looked like soil."
"Fine, I shan't help you."
"You mean won't."
"Shan't. I believe it is my language, and I'll have you know that is exactly the word I meant, thank you very much." England gave a light chuckle. "I recommend you acquaint yourself further with your right hand, because unicorns are immortal, and it is going to one very long dry spell for you, my dear boy." And England - the utter dickhead - hung up.
May your quills be ever sharp.