Sear My Soul

Title:
Sear My Soul

Rating:
T (but only for a really tiny bit of swearing. And I like rating my stories T. It's a bit of a tradition.)

Author:
Daughter-Of-The-Earthstar

Summary:
Alyndrianna Malfoy neé Black: the Ice Queen. Lord Draco Malfoy: with his soul-searing gaze. Following Canon. After DH, complete.

Key:
Normal = Narrative/Speech
Bold = Inner thoughts
Bold Italic = Inner thoughts with emphasis

--Incipio Incantatem--

I sighed, gazing out of the window. I am Alyndrianna Malfoy, wife of Draco Malfoy. To put it succinctly, my life sucks. To phrase it as a pureblooded lady, daughter of one of the most venerable houses, wife of one of the richest, the journey of my existence has been, well, to put it as the Romans say, meus vita combibit. My life sucks. Meus vita combibit.

Then Draco strode into my study, creating a whirlwind of flurrying papers and colourful splodges from tipped over inkbottles.

Not now, Draco. Shout at me later. Leave me to my painting. I know you care not for me.

I let my hand brush one last stroke, and then opened my eyes, setting the quill down. Silently I turned to him, filled with apathy as I turned to face my lethal husband. I kept my eyes trained on his face, waiting for him to speak.

Not speak. Draco never speaks to me.

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!" he exploded. "You do not arrive for meals, the elves say you do not eat!"

If I did not eat, I would not be here. I have no wish to die, as of yet.

"You do not speak unless forced to, and when you do, all you do is speak in apathetic monosyllables!!"

I have nothing to say.

"You receive whatever you wish, everything is at your disposal, yet all you do is sit in this study, painting and drawing!!"

All I wish for is this.

"You behave like a harmless Inferius!!"

Does such a thing exist?

"Do you have no emotions? Is there something you lack? Answer me!"

My emotions died seven years ago, at the age of twelve. I lack one thing. It cannot happen. It is impossible. My smile is non- existent.

"Answer me properly, speak in sentences, put something into your voice!!"

I will answer you, Draco.

He was pacing now, running his hands through his hair.

I looked steadily at his flashing silver- blue eyes, and said quietly, "Do I displease you, husband? What may I do to help you?"

Questions in answers.

He came to a standstill, pointing his finger at me, shaking furiously. "There!" he cried, his silver eyes blazing. "See! That is the longest phrase I have ever heard you utter since you came to live under my roof, and it is only to ask how to serve!!"

What else could it be?

"Do you have no preferences?!"

No.

"Do you have no feelings?!"

Obviously not.

"Are you my slave?! You are not my slave; you are my wife! Did I marry you because I wanted a pureblood trophy wife?!! I married you because I admired your independence, your control, your amazing ability to adapt to anything, your emotions, the way you showed them!! Is it I? What have I done which has forced you to recede into yourself?"

Nothing, my husband, my Dragon, my Draco. You may blame your second cousin's second cousins. My parents.

I rose gracefully, so I was level with him. I looked at him carefully, waiting to see if he would begin to rant again.

I have nothing to say, Dragon. But give me the impossible, if you can make it happen, then I will have something to say.
Then I will have a lot to say.

Without a word, I swept to the door adjoining my study, searching for another of my painting quills. Finding my finest: the eagle feather quill with seven drops of my blood to ensure that my paintings would be perfect. I re- entered my study, where my husband was waiting breathless from his forceful tirade.

"My lord." I nodded to him, not caring about his previous words in the least.

I seated myself again at my desk, dipped my quill in forest green ink, shut my eyes, and placed my hand at the parchment.

He didn't care, so why should I? I knew my purpose; I knew that I was a trophy wife, one with the express purpose of producing a male heir.

Slowly but surely, my hand moved of it's own accord; drawing a picture I did not know or understand.

I knew that. My mother- may she forever rot in hell- saw to that. I knew that. The beatings I received at my parents' former residence ensured that. I knew it. Of course I knew it.

Without realizing it, I switched inks to a grey blue, then another shade of green- Slytherin green.

How could I not, with my mother and father Crucio-ing it into me with every opportunity? How could I not, with the endless lecturing I received? How could I not? How could I not know it?

After a while, I changed inks again to a blinding silver, a white cream, a pale gold, then last, an icy blue.

I blocked those memories off- they were in the past, no longer. No longer. I felt like laughing mirthlessly. Of course, I was lucky if I received any contact with humanity now, I had no desire to leave the manor, and I barely saw Draco. He was always busy helping the Ministry. Not like his father- with bribes and coercion- but with genuine advice and honest, clear- cut good intentions. A wonderful man. A man whose life is shaped by him alone. A man whose once arch enemy was his best friend, the defeater of The Dark Lord, now Head of Auror Office.

After a while of painting in this fashion, I opened my eyes, and turned, to see my husband staring at me in what could only be shock. "Do you-" he swallowed, and took another breath. "Do you always do this?"

Be articulate, husband. I cannot understand you if you speak in riddles.

I felt as puzzled as I probably looked. "This?"

He waved a hand. "Paint with your eyes closed."

I nodded mutely, and then a sliver of suspicion flared. "Were you- were you watching me all this time?"

Why would you do that?

He looked at me directly, not at all abashed. "I was curious as to how you spend your time."

I thought you were smart, not stereotypically blond. Painting, Dragon, painting.

"I have been sitting here for next to three hours, watching you paint, never opening your eyes. Even when you switched inks you didn't open them. And-" he inhaled sharply, as he finally saw the result.

Circe help me. What have I done?

Curious as to what I had done, I turned back around as well, and felt a stab of shock, dread and bewilderment at what I saw.

Sweet Circe. I may as well Avada Kedavra myself. What is the point in self- protection if you cannot hide such dangerous declarations?

The background was a mix of murky blue and green, creating a sense of ethereal unreality. In the front, painted in such vivid tones that it created a marked contrast, was my husband. He was wearing the robes of Salazar Slytherin, forest green, with a silver snake on the chest. But it was his face which truly captured my attention. His features were normal, but his lips were turned up in a small smile, and his silver blue eyes danced with mirth, and- love.

A public profession of my feelings for him, if any.

He was smiling up at me, in the fashion I dreamed of every night, yet had never seen.

And never will see. If I use a mirror, will the Avada Kedavra bounce back on me and kill me? Or will it reflect on something else?

I stared at the painting in disbelief, almost afraid to see the reaction of my husband.

Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap.

I felt hands on my shoulders, and I was turned to face him. He lifted my chin up, and I reluctantly looked into his glorious eyes.

HOLY CRAP!
How am I supposed to do anything if I'm staring into those eyes?

"Alyndrianna," he said softly. "I think, that now is the time that I should tell you of my feelings."

Sweet Circe. Here it comes.

I tried to rein in my fear and apprehension, before saying, "My lord, I- I- I understand that when you married me, you m- married me for my family and status, and for my b- blood. I know that you wish an- an heir of me, and I- understand that, that, that is as far as our relationship goes. I- I know that it is my duty to bear an heir, and I wish you to understand that I- accept those standards, and I am willing to abide by them." silently cursing myself for my stuttering, I looked down, my cheeks tainted with a pale rose blush.

Of course, not that I meant any of it. But I had no choice. Despite his words, I was a trophy wife. What else could I be?

Draco tilted my chin up, forcing me to look into those glorious, smoldering eyes. "Alyndrianna Malfoy neé Black, I wish to tell you something." I could only stare at him, paralysed with the oh-so-common fear of rejection.

I do not understand this. I know he does not care for me. I know it. He does not care for me. He does not. He cannot. Not I.
I know this, but I fear the rejection I know I will be subjected to. I don't understand.

And then he was speaking, passionate, passionate words spoken with a fervour which rivalled my Aunt Bellatrix's passion for The Dark Lord.

And The Cause. Always The Cause.

"When I first saw you, we were both four years of age. I immediately felt a kinship with you, a protective, possessive feeling."

What else? All female purebloods are possessions. What else?

"As we grew up, I never ceased in my affections for you, instead, they increased."

Affections?

"When we turned of age, you were shipped off to Beauxbatons, and I to Hogwarts. I never forgot you, you were always first in my mind, whenever I looked at a girl. When I saw the Veela, I found myself immune to them, due to my fascination with you."

Immunity to the Veela is possible? But then again, I was never attracted to the male Veela at Beauxbatons. All I thought of was Draco. Every minute. Every hour. Every day. Every week, month, year. Always.

"And then at the end of our fourth year, I saw you again, at a family reunion. My pretty companion had turned into a beautiful nymph, with hair like starlight and eyes like the ocean."

He thought I was beautiful? I? Starlight? Ocean? Nymph?

"I found myself comparing the finest sapphires and the purest diamonds to your features, yet none seemed to attain your standard."

Of course they did not. I am not nearly as perfect as a priceless gem.

"After we met, I found myself constantly asking myself about you. Would she approve of this? Would her eyes light up if I showed her this? Would those rosebud lips turn upside down if I told her this?"

Why? Why do you feel this for me? I do not have rosebud lips. What have I done to deserve this?

"The thought of you was my solace, my light in the never-ending dark. Throughout my sixth year, when I was commanded to commit that terrible crime, you were my beacon, the one thing which comforted me when all else seemed hopeless, pointless, and irreparable. The very thought of you kept me together!!"

Draco, Draco. Your trust in me is faulty. I am not worth such an invaluable gift. If I cannot please my parents, how can I be anything to you?

"And then at the end of our seventh year, at the demise of Lord Voldemort, all I could do was picture you, imagine your carefree smile and your happy, angelic laugh when you would find out the glorious news. The way I would pick you up and spin you around, when we realised that the Dark Lord, the one who had cast a shadow over our lives, was finally, irredeemably, gone!"

My carefree smile and angelic laugh were exterminated when I began to live with my parents after my apprenticeship to our Aunt Bellatrix.

"And we did meet again, after the Final Battle. But my celestial nymph had changed into an Ice Queen, Lady of the Frozen Emotions."

That is who I am, Draco. I cannot be anything else.

"And I felt a sense of loss, because I knew, that your innocence was lost, forever locked away in the past."

Yes Draco, my innocence has been locked, sealed, spelled and cursed, shut away in my past for seven years.

"And then, I realised something."

Sweet Circe. Again?

"It gave me strength again, and I swore to myself that you would be mine, and I, and I alone, would recover those days of our youth, I would make you smile again."

Have you seen me smile during our five years of marriage, Draco? It will never happen. It cannot. The impossible has yet to happen, and this impossible will not.

"When we married, I felt a sense of joy, a happiness so pure and whole that it healed me, healed me of the burgeoning guilt and misery I felt at those lives I had taken, and erased those scars within me."

That is good, Draco. I am glad you feel cleansed and pure. You are too good to not.

"And yet, you never smiled. I never saw you crack your façade of an Icy Empress, all I saw of you was a meek, humble wife, an almost identical version of my mother."

Icy Empress and meek humble wife. It appears that I do have a double personality, if you can use both descriptions in one sentence.

"And now, as I cradle your slender face in my hands, I see in those faerie-like eyes an emotion I haven't seen since our childhood days. Do you know what I see?"

What, Draco? What do you see in these eyes of mine? Tell me, tell me your thoughts Draco. Maybe I'll tell you mine.

Breathless, I gazed wide-eyes into his divine visage. Minutely, I shook my head, speechless from his passionate soliloquy.

Despite these inner thoughts, I cannot reply to you, Draco, my Dragon. You have quelled me, vanquished my ice and conquered my thoughts. Tell me of what you see in my eyes, Dragon, find the key and unlock my heart.

"I see hope." the love of my life drew me closer to him, so close that I could count his fine, delicate eyelashes.

And I feel hope. I do. I truly, truly do. For seven years I have not felt hope, and in just a few minutes, you, my Dragon, have brought it out in me.

Draco looked at me, with a fierce, burning gaze.

Say the words I feel in my heart, Dragon. Say it out loud.

He bent his head to me, and said in a soft voice which melted my bones, "Alyndrianna Malfoy neé Black, I love you."

My heart.

And then his lips were upon mine.

My soul.

I felt all of my barriers shatter with that one, heart- breaking kiss.

My all.

The ice surrounding my heart cracked, and then melted in the fiery onslaught of his perfect lips.

All yours.

Shakily, I pulled back from his soul- searing kiss, and looked into his molten silver eyes. "I love you too. With all my heart I love you too!!"

He smiled at me, a radiant smile which cleansed me of my barriers of ice.

No more cold. My Dragon roared, and melted the ice. No more cold. No more cold.

He bent down once more, and claimed my lips again.

I love you, Dragon.

I felt giddy with the stunning, the most life changing, the most amazing revelation which has ever occurred to me in my entire existence.

Show me the truth.

I, Alyndrianna Malfoy neè Black, am in love with Lord Draco Malfoy.

Show me my soul.

And what was even more impossibly incredible?

Lord Draco Malfoy loves me, Alyndrianna Malfoy neè Black, too.

Make the impossible happen, Dragon.

I smiled at him.

--Finite Incantatem--