Life sucks, this hiatus is not good to me and everything sucks, so I wrote this. I wanna die, basically.
And to make this reading even worse, listen to All you never say - Birdy ( the new otp song I told no one survived to it)
Will.
He was making the final knot in his bow tie, his eyes lifted up to face her through the mirror and his posture went straight.
Just like he did on court, before the opening arguments.
So you decided to come? Not the best choice for a wedding, you know?
NoI'm- I won't stay, I just need to-
Say something? Save yourself the time, Alicia, I'm fine.
He nodded at her, checking himself one more time, desperately trying to find something to fix to avoid staring at her.
Will, no. I need to talk to you...Before the wedding.
Alicia, don't. It's over, we both already know that was not going to work anyways- I didn't have a plan.
Her hands were sweating and she cursed herself for not taking a glass of wine before coming.
At least to numb her a little, make a shield to his sharp words.
We had our second, our third and goddamn it a fourth shot and we- And you decided it wouldn't work out.
It was not that he wasn't allowing her to talk, in fact, she did understand that he needed to talk.
He had to get that out of his chest, and his mind. She understood that although she had reasonable motives to stay with Peter, Will was going through it all alone.
So, it wasn't the fact that he was harsh and straight to the point. It wasn't about him waiting and waiting and getting nothing for it.
It wasn't that.
It was looking at his eyes, seeing the hatred and the tiredness and seeing herself there.
Realizing that the pressure in her chest was not associated to anxiety, but to the fact that she didn't want to end up like this, realizing that she was supposed to be the late bride.
Not Tammy.
Her.
She wanted it to be her, deep down she knew it wasn't the best thing to do-staying with Peter, but it was the right decision.
To keep her children safe, to support her husband, to honor a commitment.
Will, please, just let me talk before it's too late.
No, Alicia, you let me talk.
She nodded, not that it would change something, he kept talking even before she could nod.
You know what? It wouldn't. Have been just life...damn it it would've been our life. Me and you, together. It would have been my plan working out perfectly, because in the back of my scared and insane mind, it was you. Not a list, or a promise, but you. You were my plan, because with you-
He swallowed thickly, holding his own tears as she just blinked to make room for more.
Having you was my plan, Alicia. So it's over. I lost you, therefore, I have nothing else to deal with you. You're free, from the guilt and the heavy conscience. You're free.
I don't deserve you, I've hurt you and even though it's too late, I came here to say I'm sorry.
There's nothing for you to apologize, Alicia.
Let me talk now. Just listen to it.
I do have a lot to be sorry about. I've caused 90% of your pain and I am sorry. I know I've made you sick and tired of bullshit, but I can't stay. I respect Peter, and I committed to him, when we married-
Alicia, it is over, you have nothing to be sorry about, because it's over. It's done, I'm going to marry, you're renewing your vows, we have our law firms, and I'll move to Los Angeles, to manage a new branch. After all, we still have our winnings.
He smiled, it destroyed her.
Now it was a fact, Will Gardner would become a memory. They would become nothing else than someone.
His skin, on hers, would be ghosting over her every night. The taste of his tongue would become some expensive wine she'd never have enough money to buy again.
It was over.
Those nights spent in hotel rooms, caressing, touching and feeling, now were being sealed inside a treasure chest on her heart. The good morning kisses would fade away. With time, everything would heal, but opening that door would make deeper wounds.
So she would forget. Him. That. Them.
I don't know why I came here, but when I read the invitation, I felt this urge to come and tell you-I love you, I've probably loved you ever since Georgetown. And I know this is making things even worse, but I needed to tell you now- I told you now, because you're not the type who runs away from something this big.
Alicia...
No Will, we haven't enough time, please, I just need to tell you. Tammy loves you, she does- she'll make you happy, and she cares about you, she's an amazing woman.
I wanted you, Alicia. I just wanted one person, and it was you. But I'm getting old, and I need to settle down, to find a place where I get to late night, and it's not just me and books-I want to teach some little boy baseball.
She already cried, but this was agonizing, she fisted her hands to contain it from pulling him closer, inhaling him in. She controlled herself not to run to his embrace, sure he would receive her with his warm hug.
What would it be to wonder about him in LA from now on? What time in the middle of night she would wake up, just kicked out of a nightmare. One he would be hers, forever, no problems or bad timing but suddenly he turns into smoke and she's alone in her beach house, the one her mother got from one of her husbands, old and white thin hair strand falling down to her shoulders. A rocking chair on the balcony, his perfume going with the breeze.
Will-
He looked up at her, and time stopped as she checked his features for one last time.
So close yet so far; back then, they would have accidentally stumbled on each other, an excuse to a kiss on her nose. To a touch on his chest.
I'm scared- I never thought it would be so hard to do this.
He stood up, it was already time.
For one last time he would belong to her. Unofficially.
For one last time he would be there, next to her, the same air being shared, the same heavy, thick,foggy air.
It hurts because it's real. It heals with time, I pray it does.
She came closer, just an inch to his body, his warmth pulling her even closer, she stumbled on her feet to stay away.
I don't want a kiss goodbye, you already killed me enough-
He smirked at her, and she placed her hand, there.
Right above his heart, beating fast and the vibration felt good. She liked the sound of his heart. And the sound of his breathing.
Closing her eyes, she filled herself with his scent, and that was the moment she felt it was too much.
Too much pain, too much love, too much regret.
She could do that glass of wine, and maybe five more others. Until she felt just capable of dragging herself to her bed, to black out there.
I-Sorry, I got to go.
She ran away and he even heard the car before noticing Diane in the room.
So… ready?
He picked up his smoking, it smelled like Tammy.
Nope.
Will- As your friend, you're still in time to give up. She's there. Waiting for a man that she thinks it's in love with her. Alicia is rooted in your soul, she'll never really get out there.
Diane, it's over. It had just ended, and this time, forever.
No Will, the first-the easy part is over-
Diane. Don't, I'm getting married, I'm late, shall we go?
Will-
She stopped him, holding his arm firmly, he didn't know Diane had the strength.
Don't hurt yourself more, don't lie to yourself. Alicia was here, she wanted to fix it.
Too late to fix anything, Diane.
Maybe in twenty more years...
No. I love her, damn it I love her so much it kills me every single day. But we made our choices and there's no coming back.
Are you sure about this?
No, but I can't give up, not at this point.
Oh Will...
Yes Diane, I am doing this because I'm angry-but I love her, I have to move on, I have to find something else than Alicia to focus my mind on! It will get better, I pray every day that this thing I feel could disappear just as it popped up, fast and simple as that. But it hurts even after twenty years, and we are done.
It's over.
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ～ HOW FRUSTRATING WAS THAT ?