Oh no Isee
A spider web it's tangled up with me
And I lost my head
The thought of all the stupid things I said
Oh no what's this
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turned to run
The thought of all the stupid things I've done
It doesn't happen all at once. And she actually wishes if it went the other way, if they all came back together. It would hurt for sure, but she would take all the pain at once better than struggling with those thoughts and voices in her mind. It was like being stabbed over and over again.
In a moment she would feel like falling apart, as if that knife got her into pieces all over the ground, she feels like she needs to pick herself up, like she needs to care, maybe because these aren't only her pieces. In another moment she would feel like a stone. She even thinks of leaving the town, leaving all those broken faces behind.
Only if his face wasn't one of them.
She did this to him. At first she would feel guilty for herself only, for ruining herself only. But now, she ruined him too.
The first stab is when he stands in front of her, eyes cold, blood staining his white shirt. She did this, she knows. But yet she feels a little ting in her gut. Regret.
She takes the gun and points it at him, part of her protecting herself, another protecting him. Because this person, it's not him. This is the person he'd always hated, the person he always hid and buried, and now she got him out. It's her fault.
She doesn't get it, why he kisses her. And she doesn't even think about it. All what she thinks about, are his lips going down her neck, his hands playing with her hair. And she catches herself wondering how it would be if it was him. The real him. The one she fell for, the one who wanted to get her back.
The one she ruined.
And she suddenly pushes him away. His lips take a long second to leave hers. Her eyes are closed, brows furrowed. She takes a long breath and looks at him.
His eyes are full of lust. But it's not him. And somehow she feels that she cheated him.
She looks at him, searches for the guy she knew, but he's not there.
He says something about her being responsible for all of this, he blames her. She already blames herself.
When he leaves, there's a voice in her mind telling her that she'll get him back, that she has to. And she doesn't k now how did it end up this way, her trying to get him back. So she just calls it 'control', she doesn't want a ripper playing around and spoiling her fun.
She'll get him back, and then she'll forget about him.
... ...
The second time is when the body falls from his hands, dead. And she wishes if he had another look on his face. She wanted to see the ripper, the cold one. But instead, she sees him, eyes getting wide with panic, hands remaining in their place as if he's still holding the body. There's blood dripping from his mouth. But most of all, the thing that really catches her eyes, is his look.
It's shame, guilt. And she wants to wipe it all away. Because it's not his fault, it's hers. And then she feels it, guilt.
It hurts. Because it feels so old, like something she hadn't experienced for years. It's ironic how it reminds her of teeth ache. It rises so high that she wants to scream, and then it goes down that she feels so empty.
She walks to him, and now she sees something else. He takes a step back, ashamed. And she wants to scuff, because seriously?I'm the one who did this, not you.
She reaches out to wipe the blood from his face.
She feels the need to hug him, and it's weird. She's not supposed to feel.
But she's not there yet.
"Caroline, I-" he says through teary eyes, and she interrupts him, because the way her name slips from his lips. She's not ready for that.
"You will get through this." She says, firmly. "You always do."
She pauses for a second, licks her lips, as she still cups his face.
"And I'll help you."
And that's the third one; it doesn't go deep into her skin. It leaves only a scratch. But it burns. It's caring.
... ...
Oh no I see
A spider web and it's me in the middle
So I twist and turn
Here am I in my little bubble
The forth is supposed to be better, it's relief. She's relieved that he's back, fully back. He no longer feels the lust to blood. It doesn't control him anymore. He actually managed to drink from the vain and stopped. He did it, snatch, eat, erase.
And that look, his eyes are shining. He looks at her with happiness. We did this, his eyes say.
And she can't control how her lips curve into a little smile, actually, part of her doesn't want to control it.
He walks to her, slowly, the leaves crunching under his feet, the breeze going through her hair, the sun heating her skin. That smile on his face.
He stops few inches from her. His eyes never breaking the eye contact.
He takes her hand in his own, "Thank you." He says after a second.
She opens her mouth to say something, but she fails to. She pulls her hand. "You're welcome." She says firmly and walks away.
She avoids him; she does her best to stay away from him. She accepted the fact that she's starting to feel again. But she won't give in to him.
Even if her feelings are back, she still remembers everything, how he let her down. And now, she can't let this happen again.
But he's too stubborn to let her off the hook this easy.
... ...
And oh I never meant to cause you trouble
And oh and I never meant to do you wrong
And oh well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no I never meant to do you harm
It's two am. Everyone is sleeping except her. She's sitting on the ground, the bonfire glowing her face. It's now when she realize that the Salvatore mansion is so big, it's her excuse for the loneliness she feels.
She remembers Damon's words, the emptiness, the loneliness. It's funny that she turned it off to escape this, and now she's stumbled in the web.
She hears footsteps coming closer, and she closes her eyes. She knows it's him.
He sits down next to her and stares at the bonfire for a while. They both remain silent.
"I miss you." He whispers, his voice deep.
She squeezes her eyes shut, this time harder. She doesn't talk, she thinks, that if she keep it in, she won't feel it.
His body shifts a little, turning to face her.
"I miss you, Caroline. I miss the way we used to sit and talk for hours. I miss how we danced, I miss your laugh, I just miss you." He leaves a sigh in the end.
Her jaw clinches, her eyes still avoiding him.
"I'm trying so hard to get everything back, I-"
"Stop." She says with her eyes close.
This knife, she can't find a name for it.
"Why?" he asks, his eyes drifting to her lips. He can only see the side of her face, her brows furrowed, he arms folded around her knees.
"I- I don't want to …" She says.
He licks his lips slowly, waiting for her to continue, but when she doesn't, so he takes the lead.
"Did I mess up that bad?" he asks.
"It doesn't matter." She says, her eyes open now. "I've changed, Stefan. I'll never be the same again. And not just because of that. We both saw how we went. That road … it's not right." She shakes her head slowly.
"Then why I keep looking back at it?" he asks, "Caroline, every day, I find myself thinking of you, of us, of the little happiness we had. I know that you don't trust me, but…" he waits for her to interrupt him, to say that she does trust him, but she doesn't. And he knows that he messed up so bad.
"I made a mistake in the funeral, I hurt you, and myself too. I should've just said what I felt. But how could I when I didn't know what was it."
She looks at him, confused, searching for the truth in his eyes, looking for a hint that he's lying, and then she would gladly walk away. But all she sees is truth, and the knife goes deeper in her skin.
"Caroline, What I feel for you, I couldn't put it-" he says and she interrupts him again.
"I said stop, Stefan." She says slowly and firmly. And then he turns more to face her. "Why, Caroline?" He asks, clearly, his voice still low.
"Because what's the point?" It's almost a shout, but still in a whisper. And she's finally looking at him, her face angry. And that's the next knife, it's anger, because she doesn't have control over her life, her feelings. But it doesn't last longer, as it turns to something else, pain.
"You want me to feel, right? why should I? So I feel the pain of losing someone else? So I look into your eyes, again, while you tell me that you regret it? So I wake up every day feeling alone and empty? Why should I feel anything, Stefan?" Her face is softer, her eyes watering, something else she hated. Something he loved.
His mouth was slightly open in surprise. He just wants her to let it all out; it's the only way to get her back. "But you already feel." He says in a whisper, his eyes wandering on her face.
"Yes!" She stands up and the tears start to fall. He stands up too, getting ready for what's next. "I feel everything, I feel it all. And it hurts so badly." She shakes her head through her tears.
He gets closer and whisper "It's okay, get it out."
She's sobbing, hard. "I feel like I have this thing on my chest. I can't breathe." She says and he nods with her, understanding.
"Those people that I killed, the way I treated Bonnie and Elena, and you, what I did to you, it hurts so bad." Her voice is louder, her sobs heavier, her body shaking.
He pulls her so hard to his chest. They both fall to the ground, his hand stocking her hair. He whispers "It's okay." And she whispers "no it's not." they lay like that for a long while, he listens to her till she can no longer speak, till it's all out. And he waits, waits for the time he will be able to tell her how he feels, maybe if she wasn't already sleeping in his arms, he'd tell her.
Singing out
Oh I never meant to cause you trouble
Oh I never meant to do you wrong
Oh well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh no I never meant to do you harm
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me
... ...