Disclaimer: It's been a year; hopefully by now everybody knows CSI: Crime Scene Investigation does not belong to me.
Author's Note: For Mr. Hathaway, b8kworm, and SunMee. For Manda, who is such an inspiration. For Allison, Angie, Marianne, and Rita who coached me through my lowest point ever; I love you guys for it. Last but not least: Eddie, if you weren't already dead, I would kick you to the curb and run you over for bailing out on me! Okay, that done; another year's over! Finally. This has been such a journey for me, and I truly hope it was enjoyable from a reader's point of view.
Summary: To correct a past regret, the truth will be the miracle.
Rating: PG
Archive(s): the Graveyard, mine. Anybody else, email me; I like to go visiting.
Pairing(s): G/C
Spoiler(s): Anything after LHB that involves Eddie.
Last in 2003's holiday series. Follows Business On Samhain, Conscious About Mabon, and Light Of Satunalia.
***** ***** *****Title: The Revelation For Imbolc
Author: Laeta
Email: ladylaeta@yahoo.com
As much as Grissom loathed to admit it, he was hiding. While the other lab employees gathered within one of the larger conference rooms, he hedged slowly towards his office and found it to be a welcome haven. He stayed away from the open door, which he rarely closed unless he was outside of the lab itself. Confident no one had noticed his exit or the absence of his presence, Grissom gradually relaxed into the routine of his office critters.
He lingered over them, noting humidity levels and tank temperatures. He rearranged a few objects on a multitude of shelves. He shelved some books and pulled others. All the while, he tried his best to ignore the almost irritating thought on his mind.
Ten days, he had spent ten days trying to unravel Eddie's cryptic statement but was no closer than ever. He coached himself to think simply; a complicated solution would be apparent at first glance. The answer would be as simple as the truth in any of his cases.
Truth. He stopped all his actions on that whirlwind thought. Truth. Show her a miracle. Truth.
Eddie had said he gave miracles everyday to a victim's family; he had been talking about the truth. Show her the truth, tell her the truth. He thought back to the two scenarios, especially the last one that Eddie had shown him on Christmas. He wondered at the significance.
He was still thinking when Catherine walked into his office. She looked confused not by Grissom's inactivity but by the fact he was staring in no direction at all. He had turned in her direction but his eyes clearly were unfocused. She hated to startle him, but it had to be done.
"Gil - ?"
Grissom actually jumped, looked at her in shock, too. For a second, he was convinced she was a mere projection of his mind. Then he noticed the small details of life that Eddie had been missing - the gentle rise and fall of her body as she breathed; movement of hair strands in the air conditioned atmosphere of the lab; small, furtive motions of her hands.
They fascinated Grissom in a new, completely unexpected, way. It was as though he saw her bathed in a new light. Of course, with credit going to Eddie's grave teachings, new information meant seeing the situation from new angles. Grissom found himself constantly analyzing Catherine at every opportunity, trying to decipher what this nuance or that behaviorism uncovered about her.
Yet, he saw absolutely nothing that showed him a path to the truth hiding within himself. On one hand, he found it intriguing that he instinctively looked for his answers outside of himself, notably within Catherine. On the other hand, Grissom was disconcerted by how much he relied upon her.
It was this revelation that drove him, tonight in particular, away from the general laboratory populace; it was why he chose to cloister himself in his office. Somehow, he knew she would always find him. Truth be told, he preferred whatever inevitable conversation they were to have to occur behind closed doors, discretely.
She looked at him expectantly from the chair she had settled into, accepting his superficial need to gather his thoughts. Once again, he noted that she did not find his unusual vertical position odd; she merely trained her vision on his immobile figure and waited. It was such a simple act, but it endeared him to her, all over again. Grissom knew that, if he had not already fallen in love with her an infinite number of times, now would have been a perfect opportunity for it.
He saw the exact moment she realized that he was ready. The slight straightening of the shoulders and the blinking away of small amounts of weariness gave her hawk-like attention all the recognition she deserved.
She used only her gaze and the subtle movement of muscles to follow his trek; he hesitated for a minute on seating choice. Would he prefer a conversation of equal terms or the power status associated with the chair behind his desk? He chose the seat aside hers.
"I thought you would be out there, at the center of it all."
"I was." She mirrored the knowing grin he used.
"But?"
"But why aren't I there now?"
He wondered how much of the conversation would be in the tones of 'having already been said'. The little already spoken sounded rehearsed, predictable. If he tried, he knew he could guess, without a doubt, at the outcome. Rather than think ahead, he plunged in with his line cued by Catherine's last words.
"That's a good 'but' question."
"Not the one you were thinking of?"
"No, that's the right one."
Catherine shrugged. She propped her head with one hand and voiced the musings of her mind in a detached, reflective mood.
"That's just the thing, Gil. There I was, toasting to the New Year, and it felt wrong."
"How can a celebration feel wrong?"
"You answered the wrong calling in life. You should've been a psychologist with that question."
Grissom smirked. Inwardly, he thanked the ever absent Eddie for solid proof pertaining to the appropriateness of his professional career choice; outwardly, he was the ever present, willing to listen and supportive friend.
"Cath? Tell me what's on your mind."
He returned her earlier favor and gave her the silence she obviously needed. Then, she startled him once again when she finally spoke.
"I was just thinking over the past year, and thought about regrets." She sighed. "I've made so many mistakes. For once in my life, I'd like to wake up in the morning without any regrets, but I know it'll take a miracle for that to happen. But I suppose that's the way life works."
Grissom stared at Catherine in muted shock. Slowly, his mind assembled the missing piece of the riddle: truth. It twisted her words, ever so gradually, into a single, beautifully clean command.
To correct a past regret, the truth will be the miracle.
He needed time - to accept the mandate settling itself upon his shoulders. Just how did Eddie expect him to change a behavioral pattern so deeply ingrained within him as hiding his love for Catherine? He knew how outrageous a declaration of love would appear to her - especially from him. So he did the rudest thing he could do: eject Catherine from his office - for the first time ever.
With a few words of advice alluding to the wisdom of a New Year's resolution, he brusquely reminded her that the clock still ticked during their shift. The look of surprise was not missed by Grissom, and he was grateful for the knowledge that she would find him - wherever he went - at the first opportunity she was given.
He fled his office, the lab, and Las Vegas the moment he punched out.
*****Catherine found him along the outskirts of civilization. He leaned against a waist high wall, his arms were tucked deep into the jacket pockets, and he watched the horizon with a typical expression of concentration.
The crunch of her shoes upon the arid texture of the ground alerted him to her presence long before he saw her.
"What are you doing, Gil?"
"Watching the sun rise."
"Ah." She paused to smile at the unnecessary clarification of his dry answer. "Mind if I join you?"
"Please."
She walked the last few feet and lifted herself up to sit on the low rise of the wall. The sensation of his heat contradicted the chill of the early desert morning; the flex of her muscles called to him. Neither was compelled to move apart. In silence, they watched the sun rise another inch over the horizon. Catherine showed no surprise when Grissom spoke into it.
"Cath, I made a mistake."
"Happens to the best of us. I made my worst twelve years ago."
The only event in either of their lives during that year was Catherine's marriage to Eddie. Grissom shook his head, guilt clouding the issue.
On a sigh, he said, "If I hadn't made mine before that, you wouldn't have made that one." He turned to look at her for the first time since she found him. "I need to fix my fifteen year mistake."
"What are you talking about?"
"Fifteen years ago, I made the mistake of not telling you how much I loved you."
Sheer surprise rendered Catherine speechless, but Grissom's thoughts were back to those years. His voice was nostalgic when he continued and tinged with self-deprecation.
"I always thought that there would be another chance, another opportunity. A perfect opportunity, but I knew you wouldn't wait for what you didn't know. Eddie did make you happy, if only for a while."
He pulled himself back to the here and now and directed his next words directly to Catherine.
"I should have told you the first chance I had; I didn't know that there are no perfect moments. I didn't know they have to be made."
Her response was quiet, heartfelt. "You did nothing to tell or show me anything other than friendship."
"I know. I'm good at hiding, remember?"
Then Catherine let out a short chuckle. He prompted her with a raised eyebrow.
"It's the miracle of miracles, Gil. My long standing wish finally came true today. I need to change my New Year's resolution now."
"Uh - Cath?" She had managed to confuse him.
"If only you knew." She laughed at herself again. "My resolution was to have the patience to wait for my wish to come true. You just made it come true."
He ignored the compliment to focus on her wish. All he needed to do was to ask the question.
The sun inched slowly higher as he sluggishly found the proper words.
"What wish did you need a resolution of patience for?"
Her eyes danced with the amusement she found in the situation. She always thought it ironic that every thing could be funny. Yet her response to Grissom was duly serious.
"You never gave your heart away, Gil; you never showed anything better than kindness towards anybody, but I hoped. Since the day I met you and you smiled at me, I hoped for something more - meaningful - I guess, than friendship from you. While Eddie and I were together, I always wished he were you."
Withdrawing both hands from his jacket pockets, Grissom reached for one of hers and twined it between both of his.
He was back facing the sun but, voice gentle, he said, "If I knew what I know now, I would've told you. I swear it, Cath."
She moved slightly towards him and bent a leg so she straddled his left hip. Her chin found a comfortable resting place on his shoulder.
"Gil, what's changed this year? Why now?"
"My resolution was to fix that mistake."
He leaned further into her when she brought her free hand to drape across his upper back. His right shoulder supported her elbow and he did nothing to stop the play of her fingers in his hair.
"So. Now what?"
"Beyond watching the rest of the sunrise, I don't know."
Grissom smiled as the gentle vibration of her body against his accompanied the sound of her laughter.
At the end of the sun's daily rebirth, Catherine turned her face so her mouth barely brushed against his ear. She could feel his reaction to the deliberate touch.
Her voice was pitched low and, by that alone, he could not mistaken her intent. The spoken invitation merely verified it.
"C'mon, Gil, let's go make new resolutions."
*****As the infamous Watson and Crick believed, the structure of DNA had to be beautiful because Nature created it; beauty meant simplicity. DNA's structure, indeed, was beautiful in its anti-parallel symmetry and non-complexity of structure. These words from two scientists that even Gil Grissom would deem poetic demonstrated how the ebb and flow of life ought to be.
By bringing Gil Grissom together with Catherine Willows, Eddie managed to correct so many missed opportunities for hundreds of other people.
For the first time since my own passing, I felt the headiness of the emotion called satisfaction. This was the nature of fate; it gave second and third and fourth chances until the effects of some actions corrected themselves.
Then it hit me: the nature of life. The key to life was not to find or buy your way to happiness. It was to make sure each decision that needed to be made would not leave a bitter residue of regret. However, a truthful acknowledgement of a choice made wrong showed the way to a marvelous solution.
I am left breathless by the purity. It is amazing how miraculous the truth can feel.
And who said the dead cannot still learn?
Information on Imbolc:
Fiona Broome - Imbolc:
The Celtic Wheel of the Year:
© RK 30.Dec.2003