Author's note: Hey guys! So this is my very first fanfiction in English and as you may have guessed this is not my mother language so don't be too hard on me. Anyway, I would like to know what you think and if it's worth continuation. :)
The song I listened to while writing: Saturn by Sleeping At Last ( watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA)

Chapter 1: No Light

Grief

It's a simple five lettered word but contains so much pain as an emotion that can simply shatter your world into millions of pieces. You would think it wouldn't affect me, after all the death I've had to watch, after all the loss I've had to endure in my life. But no. It hit me with a newfound force like I've never experienced it in my life like this was the first time I had to go through someone's loss.

But this was a different kind of grief. While the death of all of my relatives crushed me, brought me to places I never thought I would be, I always saw some light at the end of the tunnel, though my tears seemed would never stop. I always knew that I could survive and someday maybe move on and live my life as normally as I can without them. But now still, after four months, all I can see is darkness, like some invisible force sucked the light out of me... Of my body, of my mind, of my heart. And that force called grief. With large capital letters. Strange thing is that after that night in the crypt, I never shed any tears. You know what they say. Silent grief is the strongest form of mourning, you don't want to show the world how much you've lost. And I know, I just know that there is no going back. Not from this.

Everyone expects me and wants me to just move on. They say it's not healthy. I always have to laugh at that. There is no such thing as unhealthy for a vampire... Except for wooden stakes and vervain. But they don't understand, they can't understand. How could they? I barely even understand the connection between him and me. It is one of a kind. This type of bond, this sort of connection is only for the lucky people and I feel privileged to be in possession of it.

But how could I move on without a life? How could I live without my heart? How could I be without a soul? He took it all with him. And I don't even want them back if it is him who has them.

I try every day pretending that I'm getting okay, for them, but I know I couldn't have fooled anyone with the way I did it. I mean there isn't a single person on this world who could have behaved as if they still had a purpose in life. Because that's how I feel. Purposeless.

He was the one who taught me how to live. And not just as a vampire, but also as a human. No matter how bad or gloomy I felt, he was always the one who was able to make me smile. He was the one who was there by my side every step of the way, in good and in bad. Mostly bad. He was the one who never gave up on me when everyone else did when I turned. He was the one who I first saw a future with. He was the one who I fell passionately, infinitely and irrevocably in love with. He was the one. With big capital letters.

I know that I could just simply end my sufferings with turning my emotions off. Some maybe wonder why I haven't done it already. The explanation is simple, really. If I turn off my emotions, it means I turn off my love for him too. And just the thought that I won't love him anymore fills me with the feeling as if somebody grasped my heart with an icy hand. Loving him worth every pain, every second in misery. It is the only thing that keeps me going nowadays.

Why oh why must I be the one who loses her other half? What have I ever done to deserve such punishment? Deep down I know. I took him for granted and that was my biggest mistake. I always thought that he would never leave me, that he would be there by my side. He promised it. Just as he promised he would make it back to me. I never thought for one second that the person who I relied on the most would just disappear from my life one day. It should be the 8th deadly sin. Taking a loved one for granted.

I never got to say properly goodbye to him. In the crypt, I know he was there and probably said something to me but even if I was able to hear him I know that my earsplitting grief wouldn't have let me hear a word he said. But I felt him. On my hair, on my cheek, on my hand. If I could've stopped my momentary breakdown, I would've said so many things to him. How much I love him, in how many aspects he changed my life, and that he is the most amazing man I've ever met on this earth. I could go on and on forever, but I know words couldn't describe the way I feel about him, how much he means to me.

There is going to be a hole in my heart for the rest of eternity that only he can fill, and until I meet him again I'm just the shell of a person I used to be around him. Even if there is no hope that he will return to me permanently I would just want a few minutes to thank him for giving me everything I ever wanted. A love that consumed me, passion, adventure... There's nothing more that I could've asked for... Except for it to last forever.