With exception to various OCs; Ed, Edd n' Eddy are property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network.

A Taste of Eds to Come, Part One

"What are these doing out?" Edd examined the box of Christmas ornaments sitting near the door to the garage.

"Those are the Christmas ornaments I'm donating to the Women's Center Rummage Sale," his Mother said. "We haven't used them in years."

"Oh." Edd poked his hand into one of the ornament cartons and extracted a perfectly faceted blue glass bulb. "It's such a shame to get rid of these."

"We have enough to trim the entire neighborhood. Besides, glass ornaments are dangerous."

Edd turned the faceted round blue sphere in his hands and tried to peer through it the way he remembered doing as a much younger child. "I suppose they are. I used to love these, though."

"Um-hmm. You gave me a scare every time you played with them. Honestly, I don't know why Mother insisted on giving them to us."

"Aren't they antiques?"

"They've been around. My parents used to decorate the tree with them when I was your age."

Edd kept playing with the ornament and marveled at the way it refracted light.

"I used to catch you with one of those every time I turned my back," Charlotte grinned. "Three-year-olds and glass are a bad mix."

"You're right. They're so neat, though."

Charlotte pulled a green glass bulb from the box and turned it in her fingers. "They are."

Edd sat down at the kitchen table and played with the ornament. It caught the light streaming in from the kitchen window and threw it into prism shapes on the walls around him. Something inside the bulb caught his eye. He couldn't tell if it was a piece of debris, or if it was cracked. Edd examined it more closely, and then, closer still.

"Daddy? Where should this one go?"

Edd kept peering into the ornament. Smells of spiced apple cider, holiday potpourri, a warm fire and fresh pine swirled through his nose.

"Daddy?"

"Eddward," a woman's voice musically teased. "Earth to Edd."

Edd looked up. "Huh?"

"Your daughter is asking you a question."

"Oh, my!" Edd discovered a seven-year-old girl with green eyes and flame-glow red hair holding up a Christmas ornament. "I'm sorry, Sweetie. What did you need?"

"I want to know where this one goes."

Edd peered at the Christmas tree. "That spot's a little bare. Try on the lower left."

The girl turned around and paused, puzzled. Then she moved toward the right side of the tree. An older girl, sitting next to Edd, giggled. "Your other left, Clee!"

"Oh! Right! Left!" Cleo bounced to the left side on the tree and positioned the ornament for Edd. "How is this?"

"It's great," the girl next to him, replied.

"I asked Daddy, Calida!"

"So-or-reee!"

Edd put a hand on Calida's shoulder, "Let's not bicker."

"It looks fine, Cleo."

A bright smile crossed Cleo's face before she skipped over to Edd. "Where are you putting that one?"

Edd looked at the ornament he was gazing at. "Someplace high. This is a special ornament."

"It's pretty." Cleo climbed into his lap and reached out to touch the bulb. Edd let her touch it without holding it. "Is it special because it's pretty?"

"No, it's old. It's one of the ornaments your grandmother and great grandmother decorated their trees with."

"Wow. Grandma's pretty old."

Edd and Calida chuckled, "Just don't say that around her!"

It took a moment to sink in, but Cleo giggled too. Edd wrapped an arm around her small shoulders and kissed the top of her head.

"Edd?"

Edd turned to see Megan standing behind the sofa with a fir garland. A small pair of arms circled her lower left thigh while shy green eyes peered out from behind it.

"Looks like you're having another velcro day."

"Uh-huh," Megan looked down and smiled. "Cassi has definitely mastered static cling."

Cassi buried her face into Megan's thigh. Edd and Megan shared and amused look while Calida and Cleo giggled.

"When you get through with the tree, can you help me with this? The step stool makes me a little nervous."

"Sure."

Edd pulled his eyes away from the ornament and blinked when he realized he looked around his kitchen again.

"Wow," he thought. "I married Megan. We have three beautiful daughters." He put his head in his hands and gazed dreamily off into space. "Calida, Cleo and Cassi... with Megan! Who'd have thought it?" Reality set back in. "No-no. Wait a minute. I must have low blood sugar. Surely, this is some kind of fantasy."

Edd picked an apple out of the refrigerator, scrubbed it, peeled the skin and sliced it into perfect wedges before returning to the table. He watched the ornament while eating his apple. "It was nice, though. I wonder if..? No. That stuff isn't real. Who marries his junior high sweetheart?"

The ornament glimmered at him from its position on the kitchen table. Edd couldn't keep himself from lifting it to his eye again.

Ed perched on his stool and stared, somewhat frustrated, at the sparse panels he sketched on his drawing table. "How do they get out of this?"

"What?" His nine-year-old son, Ed, peered at him over the back of the leather couch. Cartoons played on the big screen television behind him.

"Nothing. I was talking to myself."

"Oh." He resumed watching cartoons for a moment before turning back around. "Can I see?"

"Sure."

His son climbed over the back of the couch and leaned against Ed's table. His fingers traced along the features of the illustrated monsters and the two space heroes who battled them. Ed had them outnumbered by 10 to 1.

"This is a tough one."

"Any ideas?"

"Uh... Okay. No, wait." The boy walked around the room and paused a few times to collect his thoughts. Ed waited patiently.

"The Centrulian Torpha Soldiers are sensitive to light, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"Do Darrow or Ruazi have any photon grenades left?"

"Photon grenades... Yes. Lieutenant Darrow still has one."

"Okay," The younger Ed knelt behind the couch as if it was the same bunker Darrow and Ruazi used to shield themselves from the Centrulian attack force. "Darrow sees the advancing line. She reaches for her utility belt just as Captain Ruazi fires the last of his rounds. Things look hopeless, but she shows Ru the grenade. They adjust it for a full power blast and prime it..."

"They can't use it."

"Why not?"

"They're in the Chasm of Geroquai. If they use a full-strength blast, the walls will cave in."

"Oh." The younger Ed wandered a little a reconsidered their plight. "Are any of the Gorgon Planet's four suns over the chasm?"

"Yera is."

"Do those guys have anything big and shiny?"

"Ah..." Ed thought for a moment. "Bounce the sunlight through their dark armor and defeat them. Good job."

"No problem, Dad."

The scene with Ed melted away before Edd's eyes. His view changed to a talk show set. Eddy and Dana came into view conferring quickly while she adjusted her lavaliere microphone. A large neon sign suspended behind her read, 'Counter/Contra.' Two punks, a police officer, and a psychologist sat in chairs next to her. "We're back from the break in about a minute. You guys all set?"

"Yeah," one of the punks responded. "Does my labret look okay?"

"It's still there."

"Good. I worried about using cheaper glue."

The other punk looked at the psychologist. "How's my nose ring?"

"Quite believable."

"Right on."

Dana chuckled, "Good thing we don't have a live audience."

"Thirty seconds," announced a stage director.

"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT IT'S THE WAY?! GIVE US ALL OUR EQUAL PAY!"

"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT IT'S THE WAY?! GIVE US ALL OUR EQUAL PAY!"

Angry banners, signs, and flags fluttered in the air as a march of chanting feminist protesters filled the grounds outside the capitol building. Watchful police flanked them on either side as they demonstrated against the veto of Amendment 22B. Activist Sarah Duggan led the fight to get non-discriminatory workplace pay mandated for several years. Her frustration at this latest development was obvious. Chanting gave way to respectful murmurs as Sarah raised her megaphone to speak.

"It's a shame," she solemnly began. "That we have had to fight for right to take anything for granted. Throughout history, women had to stand up for equal education! We had to stand for the right to hold money! We had to fight for the right to vote! And the right to live a decent single life! It's irrational that women must tolerate being paid less for the same work! This latest veto is nothing more than government bending to corporate interests!"

Cheering and applause swelled.

"We are not asking for something frivolous. We are not driving this country out of business. We are not taking over the world! But we are not through. Today's veto is merely an obstacle. Once we succeed, and every single woman will have access to the fair and equal wages! Can't you see that it's the way? Give us all our equal pay!"

The protesters' chanting resumed as Sarah switched off her megaphone and rejoined the throng.

"You can stop rolling. I'm sure this is enough."

"You got it, Nazz." Natalie stopped recording and turned the camera off. "This chick's quite a firecracker, huh?"

"It was an interesting interview, I'll say that."

"So, how come a General Manager is out doing news stories, anyway?"

"Cam walked out on us this morning. We only have three reporters left."

"You're kidding."

"I wish I was. If we lose any more, we'll have anchors doing this."

Jonny paused to look over the text on his screen and recompose his thoughts before leaning over his keyboard again. Next to him, a Bible lay open, along with a hymnal and copies of sermons. "Dr. Chemelka?"

Jonny looked up. A young teen boy stood in his doorway, holding a basketball. "Aren't we on for a game?"

"Oh, my. It's after four! I lost track of time!"

"I understand." The boy grinned.

"I'll be right out, okay?"

"You got it."

Once the boy left, Jonny pulled his sweater off and switched his phone over to voice mail. He produced Plank from under his desk and placed him on the chair in front of the computer. "Here's where I left off, buddy. Maybe you can add some things. See ya' later, Plank."

"Gastric juices surging prowess lead me to dine
On the delicate souls of those who delve deeply
In the vapor trails of my conscience."

Lights rose and flickered, candle-like, in Marie's bedroom eyes. She rolled her head languidly as a drumbeat surged and some notes plucked forth from a bass.

"Popcorn hailstones dance through thick green grass as I
Lick my lips and wile away my fetters with a shake – oooh
And a sigh - ahhh - falling backwards... Like a plum.
A tender fruit, a sweeter wine, a dine on thine own making
No simple feat, a greater leap across this cavern of mine
As vines of you wrap and grow about my pillar of stone
Leading both to my destruction and my fulfillment whole."

Marie leaned forward and swayed in the lights. Her audience basked in her hypnotic motions and rhythm.

"These forty days! These forty nights!
Make my prophecy real!
Mold my wishes with Hephaistos' steel
This brief my time, my brandy fine
My love is like an oyster.
Play me down."

Marie collapsed backward into a cushion as the drums surged again. The air soon filled with snaps and clapping as Club Neuf's patrons swelled with pleasure at Marie's latest composition. Marie rose and performed a few encore pieces before leaving the stage to join her sister at a nearby table.

"Bravo." Lee sipped her beer nonchalantly.

"Merci, Madam. Merci."

"I heard from Rourk, today."

"Yeah?" Marie's eyes lit up.

"Paraphrased; he wants another rewrite. You're too raw."

"Figures..." Marie rolled her eyes. "Philistine."

"Such is the daily battle of a Neo-Post-Bohemian Beat Poet Warrior Queen, or whatever people call you."

"They call me Marie if they want to be taken seriously." She raised two fingers to catch a server's attention. "Oh Goddess, My Goddess will do in a pinch."

"Your ego suits you." Lee took another swig of beer.

"As you know, I'm always on the hunt for the perfect man." May took a quick sip of bottled water before continuing her monologue. "I realize I've already had three of them." She snorted and the audience laughed. "But you don't understand! It's the thrill of the hunt! It wouldn't matter if I've been through ten marriages, I'd still keep a trap oiled!" May paused for a theatrical reflection. "Deadfalls work well, too." The audience tittered a little. "But seriously. I am always on the hunt. It's family tradition." May gestured to a ferocious set decoration depicting Medusa, as she would appear in a trailer park. "I mean, LOOK AT MY MOM!" Laughter swelled.

"Good ol' Mom." May sighed. "She didn't just go after any man, mind you. She went after the best. You've got to focus on quality. That's rule number one. The lady had standards. If he had a beer gut and recently installed a lube rack in his living room, SIGN HIM UP!" The audience laughed some more. "And give him bonus points if he can crush aluminum cans against his forehead. Give him even more if he needs operating instructions for shirts!" May paused for the audience to get through its latest round of laughter. She had a great crowd tonight. "Mom often gave us tips on locations, too. Mom always said, 'If you're looking for Mr. Right, ya' gotta' head to the right places,' which was funny. She spent an awful lot of time in bait shops." The audience swelled with laughter again. May smiled sweetly. Her buck teeth were just a prominent as ever and were probably the most famous trademark among stand-up comediennes. "Oh, and hunting stores, too. She looooved a sportin' man. She was also a firm believer that clothing makes the man. I guess nothing makes a man like safety orange!" Laughter rose again.

"Where is the ochre?" Jimmy pawed through his box of oil pastels for several moments before producing a well-worn stub of color. He laid it to his pad, and then paused to rethink his picture. A newscast flashed pictures of Sarah's demonstration, while he glanced briefly between his television and his easel. "My muse, this simply won't do." He quickly tore the paper away and deposited into a brimming recycling bin. He raised his hand to start over, but the television captured more of his attention than the drawing he was trying to rough out. Sarah's protest was on the news, and she had center stage.

"Wow. Is this really what the future holds?" Edd's mind raced with possibilities. "This can't be right. I'm just imagining it."

Edd put the ornament down and got up to feed his ants, but he only made it to the stairs. "I never thought the Kankers would turn out that way." It wasn't long before Edd had the ornament at his eye again.

As soon as the red 'recording' lights flicked off, Eddy clapped and thanked Dana's 'guests' for a great show. Dana was about to chip in her two cents when Executive Producer Paul Warren knocked on the control room windows and signaled her to his office. Dana removed her lavaliere and snagged a quick sip of coffee before heading through the studio doors.

"You wanted to see me?"

"I always want to see you. You're the reason I come in."

Dana cleared her throat in an attempt at remaining serious. "Well, I'm flattered. Thank you. Can you hold off on the roses, though? I've got enough flowers to decorate a Macy's Parade float."

"Nonsense. I'm merely keeping our expense account in use. You know what happens when we don't spend the money."

"I-I'm aware of that, but can't we put some of that toward better craft service? Perhaps more convincing guests? It's hard to get good actors for eleven bucks an hour."

"For top-rated exposure, actors should come in for free."

"Oh, top-rated." Dana rolled her eyes. "Let's see. We're taped in front of an imaginary studio audience. I can count our corporate sponsors on two fingers. Most of the technical crew are either interns or straight out of college. There isn't a single network that runs the show prior to 1:30 am and I've seen all of two daytime promos run for 'Counter/Contra' over the past six weeks. We're not even giving 'Bass Boat Weekly,' a run for their money. C'mon, Paul."

"You're right, of course. We need to bring you into competition with Springer."

"We'd have to stage a murder before that happens."

Paul got up and stared out his office windows for a moment. "What about televangelism?"

"What about it? Televangelist exposes are nothing new."

"No-no, I was thinking more along the lines of you receiving divine messages."

Dana giggled. "Excuse me?"

"You know. God decides to pass The Word through you."

"Respectfully, I think not."

"It might make an interesting moral turnaround for the show."

"Yeah, and make my life a living Hell. The minute someone talks intimately about God, people check for authenticity. I don't have a clean moral record."

"Neither did Mary Magdalene."

"It also means that Eddy and I'd have to stay out of jazz clubs and basically kill our night life. That kinda' cramps our style. I'm too cynical to anoint anyone with my tears, anyway."

Paul placed his hand on her shoulder. "Perhaps, we should get together for a brainstorm." He caressed the side of her neck with his index finger. "Say, about 9:00?"

Dana firmly removed his hand from her shoulder and distastefully held it at arm's length. "You know, Paul, you don't have to sleep with every female show host you work with. Besides, I already have a maniacal letch in my life." She dropped his hand and flashed her wedding ring at him on her way out his door. "I think one's enough, don't you?"

Gloria struggled to unlock the garage door and barely got through it with all her holiday loot. She heard the television running, but neither Ed, nor Ed, were anywhere in the house. "Good," she grinned. Hiding presents within ten miles of a nine-year-old, or worse, his father, had to be conducted with extreme caution. They weren't above employing bloodhounds to find packages and Gloria was determined to keep the presents a SECRET this year. She wasted no time scuttling everything into a guest bedroom to wrap behind locked doors. Little did she know Ed and Ed watched her every move on the house security cameras. They planned their first raid while she raced the clock with ribbons, paper and tape.

"Oh," Eddy poked his head into the kitchen. "Do I smell Cajun?"

"Ya do, Misser Eddee," Dana buzzed around the kitchen busily adding ingredients to a steaming pan. "I got da Shrimp Gumbo an' a rice heah an' I got da Peppa Conbread and Sweet Pataytah Pi in da ovun. Yoo gon' eat good tonite, I ga-ron-tee."

"Heh-heh! Televangelism. You need a cooking show."

"Ahh ya. A Cookin' Sho. Yoo watch me. I make de stuff yoo like heah. We get yoo fulla my peppas, den we talk God."

"A Cajun Contessa's temptations and a belly full of redemption." Eddy circled her waist with his arms. "That's my kind of religion." He playfully planted a quick peck on her lips before Dana pushed him back out of the kitchen.

Once dinner was cleaned up, Edd sent the girls upstairs for their baths while he pulled on his fleece vest and jacket. "How's the sky, tonight?"

"Cloudy. We're expecting a cold front by morning. It looks like you'll spend the whole night on RTs."

Edd strode across the yard to the observatory silo. The country's second most powerful telescope loomed inside, as well as the control center for twelve different types of ground-based radio and laser telemetry telescopes. Edd's association with the University and the government's astronomic research program landed him a ten year scientific tenure, and free housing as a researcher and telescope curator. Presently, Edd was gathering data on the claster phenomena recently evident around Beta Camelopardalis.

After watching the sky for a bit, Edd unlocked the gate to the radio yard and let himself into the silo. Screensavers winked animated patterns at him, while he flicked on lights and ramped the cooling fans to operation power. It didn't take long before his breath turned steamy again. Once he checked the status readings on the HPAs, he threw the power to them and recalibrated his transmitters with dummy loads. Once that was done, he checked the readings his static monitor antennas collected during the day and returned to the house. Edd couldn't dispatch any full power signals until overhead air traffic concluded for the night.

The lights were on in the Master Bedroom when Edd came back in. Megan thumbed through 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,' while Calida, Cleo, and Cassi arranged themselves on the bed. "That was fast," he smirked. Cassi already looked somewhat sleepy, but her older sisters were wide awake. Megan started walking toward him. "Where did you guys leave off? I can't find your place."

"Here it is," Edd opened the book to the page he last read as Megan kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that for?"

"Mistletoe."

Edd glanced up to a sprig of mistletoe hanging above the doorway.

"Very sneaky." Megan laughed as he circled her waist and pulled her into a mock-passionate embrace. A chorus of "Ewww! They're kissing!" rose from their giggling audience on the bed. "C'mon, Daddy. We want to hear more of the story."

They lingered for an extra moment and exchanged a 'to-be-continued' look before Edd handed Megan the book.

"Whoa! What's that?"

"Sparkly!" Ed pulled the ornament away from Edd's eye and tried to peer into it.

"No, wait!" Edd leapt toward Ed.

Eddy reached for the ornament. "Give it here, Ed."

"Huh-uh."

"Ed! Let me see, already!" Ed kept Eddy from snatching it away by holding it above his head.

"C'mon, Ed!"

"Guys! Please! Be careful with that!"

"Ed! Quit hoggin' it!"

"Get your own."

"ED!"

Edd watched in horror as Eddy lunged at Ed.

"Ahem." Dr. Klinefelter stood with her arms folded and looked to the three of them reproachfully. Ed and Eddy froze. "I seem to remember saying something about horseplay in this house. Would either care to refresh my memory?"

"Uh, heh-heh, h-hi, Dr. K-Klinef-felter. Heh, nice day, isn't it?" Eddy started sweating visibly.

"I'm waiting."

"Uh... Horseplay? Yeah, uh... it's not allowed?"

"That's right, and you know what happens when you break the rules in my house, don't you?"

"Mom, please."

"Hush, Eddward."

"Please don't call my mom. Please? Heh-heh. See? Nothing's broken."

Ed forgot he had something in his hand and the ornament tumbled from his fingers as Eddy tried to show Charlotte the ornament. Fortunately, Edd anticipated this and caught it.

"Alright. I won't call your mother. But if you can't obey the rules in this house, you can't come in. Understand?"

"Y-yes, Ma'am."

"Don't let me catch you crashing around here, again."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Eddy waited a few minutes after Charlotte left the kitchen before turning to Edd. "Jeez, why's your mom such a buzzkill?"

"Oh-oh-I know this one! She's a Neo Yula Walker transplant clone, here to spy on the human race and report her findings so they can plot their secret colonization of Dunkin' Donuts shops!"

"Shut-up, Ed."

"My mother is not a buzzkill. She just wants people to follow the rules."

"Eeeaah..." Eddy waved it off. "So, what is that thing?"

"It's a Christmas ornament."

"Really? Got any more of those? We could sell 'em and make a fortune!"

"Unfortunately, they're already marked for the Women's Center Rummage Sale. I'm afraid you're a bit late, Eddy."

"So? We just tell her that we're taking them over and sell them ourselves."

"That's STEALING!"

"It's only stealing if they know about it."

"It's stealing regardless, Eddy. Honestly, I can't believe you'd sink low enough to steal from a charity."

"Whatever, Edd."

"...And if you'll steal from a charity, what's next? Will you steal from helpless babies, too?"

"ALRIGHT! Can we drop it, now!? Sheesh!"

"Dropping, Mr. Eddy!"

"Guh! ED! NO!"

Ed dropped the box of ornaments, which tumbled and spilled brightly-colored broken glass across the kitchen floor. "Oops."

"Good one, Lumpy!"

"Look at this mess! There's glass everywhere!"

"Sigh." Edd's mom returned to the kitchen and glowered at the boys with narrow smoldering eyes.

"Uh, hi, again... Heh-heh. Just a little accident Dr. Klinefelter. We'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy."

"YOU TWO. OUT. NOW."

"Yes, Ma'am."

It didn't take long for Edd and his mother to clean up the glass, after which, he wandered up to his room. At least he succeeded in saving his ornament. He turned it in his fingers and moved to peer into it again.

End of Part One.