Garth Wars
A.K.A A star Wars fan's diary
By Mat Growcott
For my Birthday this year I received:
100. Pounds
20. Pence
I spent my birthday:
Drinking coffee
Grating cheese
Watching star wars as many times as possible.
The result:
I've become a star-wars fan. Not only that but I am now able to use the force and fly an X-wing.
Hello, my name is Garth, and I'm an evil dictator. Well I will be, that is to say I'm not yet. I am in fact a 15 year old boy from tattooqueen, a place where chocolate is random and time is plentiful. It's also extremely cold, just like Hoth. Although of course it is not possible that Hoth is real, because of the name, it doesn't have more then 1 syllable and therefore does not count as anything.
I became an evil dictator on my birthday, when, from being over caffined and over starwarsed I started to realise that I have special powers. Mostly little things like realising that the swing set in my garden was actually an X-wing: and not as I first imagined it: a swing set.
On my first day as an evil Jedi I defeated a local bully called Fred. Nobody likes getting a funny look and although the battle went on for many hours, and although I came out bloody and bruised, I emerged victorious. That rat will never look at me the same way again.
A few weeks later I discovered that my force power was stronger then most when I lifted up a lorry using only my teeth. My spiritual and physical mentor, Honda, told me that
"Bad that is, worm. Drop and 50 give me"
I obeyed, dropping to the floor and using my force power to stop me from hitting the floor. Luckily I came out with only a scratched knee…
I was looking at a star chart in geography and I discovered that the universe was mine for the taking. I shouted this out loud, and all my classmates laughed with joy (and some also pointed with joy) as I ran from the room and headed to the spaceport where I'd left my x-wing (with some difficulty). To my annoyance I discovered someone had given me a parking ticket. I whipped out my light sabre and cut it in two, smiling as I did so.
I guess today is not the day when I'll begin my campaign.
I woke up with a smile on my face as I knew today I would become what I had always wanted to be, an evil dictator, hated by all but respected by none. This seemed easier then I thought since I was hated by all and respected by none anyway.
So I walked down the path to school, where my new friend, Oobi one Keube, greeted me.
"How you doing Padawan?" He asked politely
"Well, its stopped itching" I said, scratching my hand.
Two days before we'd attempted to bottle my ultimate force power by sticking my hand in a glass jar and blowing. My hand had become stuck and we started to use butter to get it out before I remembered that I was allergic to butter. My hand swelled up like a T-16 Skyhopper round the bend.
I decided to fly to the first planet today, Tandoricurry. I looked around as I surveyed the planet that soon would be mine. Oobi One Keube was with me.
"Well, looks like this will be an easy gain." He said happily
"Yeah" I replied, "No soldiers, one Indian food cook armed with what appears to be a wok, and a fire extinguisher."
I let my soldiers loose on the place, and then the owner of the planet gave us free chips so that we could get lost. I noticed that a group of boys went in and used our plan. It looked like we had rivals…
Oobi: Heylo Garth
Garth: Heylo
Oobi: How's life?
Garth: There seems to be a bumpy thing in the force.
Oobi: indeed. I have located it. The smiths are at work, moving from planet to planet, eating garbage and sucking sprouts
Garth: indeed this is bad news
Oobi: see you at school
Garth: can you help me with my English homework?