Hello! Thanks for checking this story out, I hope you like it! Please let me know what you think!
Spoilers for season 4!
Summary: When Rick must leave Carol behind, they talk about what Rick is going to tell the rest of the group. Carol desperately asks Rick not to tell Daryl the truth- not to tell him what she really did. Carol is concerned about how it'll break Daryl, and does not want to break his heart. Rick agrees, wanting nothing more than to spare Daryl the heartbreak, but is conflicted, having no idea whether to tell Daryl the truth, seeing as how he is now a group leader, or keep it from him and prevent him from the pain. Rick becomes angry, his frustration and grief over what Carol has done, clearly shining through. Rick starts to realize that even though all his disappointment, hurt, and confusion in how Carol could possibly do something so cruel and harsh to Daryl is so intense, perhaps he is projecting some of his own grief into his argument as well.
"What are you going to tell them? Tell . . . Daryl?" Carol asked quickly. She brought her hands up to wipe away the tears sliding down her cheeks, and then she looked at Rick intently.
He looked at her sternly, the kind of look that so forcefully expelled his disbelief, his confusion and conflict without him moving anything but his eyes. It smashing into her all at once – what "it" was she wasn't quite sure. Guilt, she guessed. Although the word seemed too simple, too small to explain whatever it was he was exuding, and whatever it was she was feeling. But whatever "it" was, she could physically feel the power of his glance, and it swayed her on her feet.
"I'm gunna tell him the truth." Rick spat quickly, teeth gritted, eyes boring into her. Every word he spoke was drenched in disbelieving disgust. "I'm gunna tell everyone the truth."
Carol took a heavy breath in, it caught in her chest, and she nodded slowly in understanding. He was right. She was wrong. She knew that.
But regardless, Carol's nod slowly turned into a shake. She took in another deep, emotional, breath, and Rick could see her shoulders shake.
"Don't" She said, her voice strong and powerful. Any inclination of breaking down that she had exhibited in the past few minutes was shoved away. "Please," She continued on, strong in her conviction, "Don't tell him"
And it didn't slide past Rick, that she had specifically said 'him' and not 'them.' She wasn't trying to save face with the group. Wasn't trying to protect herself from everyone back at the prison. Only him.
But, Rick also knew Carol better than that. And he knew that her reason for wanting to obscure the truth would have more to do with protecting Daryl, than it did herself. She cared for him. Cared for people. She had good intentions, he really believed she did. Sometimes, she just took the wrong action with them. And that killed Rick.
Rick made eyes with her again, gritting his teeth and pursing his lips tightly over them. He cocked his head quickly, begging Carol to give him some sort of other explanation. Some other option. One in which she wasn't a murderer. One in which she hadn't attacked two of their own. One in which he didn't have to leave her, expel her from the group, and send her packing with only a backpack full of supplies and a car.
But she didn't. She only told him what he already knew.
"It'll kill him" She said, the strength that was present in her voice moments before was trying desperately to obscure the wavering of her words. "Break his heart" She dropped her eyes for only a second before bringing them back up to meet Rick's.
Rick nodded, biting his lip as he dropped his head toward the ground. He placed his hands on his hips and started pacing. His nod, however, quickly turned into a shake.
"I have to tell him." Rick said, and the tone in which he spoke, the utter sorrow, apology, and complete devastation, told her that he wanted more than anything for that not to be the case. "He needs to know what happened." Rick continued, his hands gripping his sides painfully tight. "He's in charge now."
And the way he said those last words, the way his eyes closed tightly and refused to open, said it all. He was sorry. He was so unbelievably sorry, and full of regret and utter empathy. He knew all too well what it was like to make the impossible decisions for the group. To be so severely confused and conflicted and tormented, because you so badly wanted to do the right thing, but had absolutely no idea what to do. The pain, the heartbreak, the unbelievable devastation that you were forced to bear, and the unspeakable, horrible, things you were required to do, all to keep the people you loved safe. And all the while controlled by thoughts of whether or not you could have done anything more, anything better, and knowing that if someone didn't make it through the day, it may be because of a decision you made. It got to you. It started to break you.
Rick rubbed his fingers over his eyes and let out a deep breath. He was so incredibly sorry. So heart wrenchingly, so excruciatingly sorry. Because now, by telling him, Daryl would be forced to adopt all of it.
Rick couldn't imagine, couldn't bear, pushing that hurt off on someone else. Knowing what it felt like, knowing how unbearable, how crushing it was. It was torturous, it was cruel, it was heart breaking. And standing here right now, having to decide whether to knowingly inflict that burden on another person, someone he cared about, someone he loved like a brother . . . that was worse than all of it.
Carol knew exactly what he was thinking as she watched her friend struggle, his pacing quickened, his hands moved up over his eyes, and his fingers pinched the bridge of his nose. Had it not been for his tumultuous inner turmoil causing him to tremor, or the pained desperation with which he massaged his face, Rick could easily have been a child playing hide and go seek. As long as his hands were in front of his face, covering his eyes, then he couldn't see the world. And the world couldn't see him.
Maybe that's what he was going for.
Carol gave him a few seconds of silence, a mere moment to pretend that this wasn't happening. That he didn't have to make this decision. That nothing was wrong, and the group was back together at the prison.
And the longer he remained silent, the more she knew he was analyzing every option possible. Trying desperately to find a solution that would restore everything to how it used to be. He would drive himself crazy trying to make it right, standing there consumed with his thoughts. And so, she knew she needed to intervene, to help. To break his thought process for a bit, and try to give him an option. Try to convince him, try to sway him so he didn't have to make the decision on his own.
"You don't" Carol said, and Rick snapped his head up at her words. Eyes looking at her in disbelief and annoyance.
"Of course I do!" Rick spat, his pace quickening as he walked back and forth frantically. He looked to her only for a second before quickly looking away. It was almost as if he couldn't bear to look at her, couldn't bear to look at the person who had put him in this situation.
He stormed over to the car, pacing back and forth, his hands rubbing his face. He snapped his head up quickly and kicked the back tire of the car, letting out a deep yell of frustration. He kicked it again before whipping back around to her, hands in the air.
"What do you want me to do!?" He yelled, the anger and hurt pouring out of his eyes. He was in pain, she could clearly see that. And she had never wanted to hurt anyone in all of this. That wasn't her intention. And looking at his man, who had only just recently healed, only just recently restored some parts of him that he thought he'd lost, becoming frantically unraveled in front of her was breaking her heart.
She had done this. She had caused this. This was her fault.
"I'm sorry, Rick" She said, and she mean it. She took a step toward him and reached out for Rick's arm. But Rick quickly took a step back, pulling his arm out of her reach. He gave her a grueling stare, and locked eyes with her.
And his eyes said everything without him having to say a word.
He no longer trusted her. He didn't know her at all anymore- had no idea who she was. He was ashamed at what she had become, at what she had done.
And above all, he was heartbroken. Because he still loved her. He still cared for her. She was still family.
And he had to let her go.
"Rick," Carol spoke softly, taking a step back. If he needed the distance to better deal with her departure, she would give it to him. It was the absolute least she could do.
He couldn't look at her. Not right then. So, he continued to stare at a darkened spot on the old tar road. Perhaps it had been an old piece of gum. Maybe some old tire residue.
"Rick" Carol said again, and she only waited a second for him to look up, but he didn't. And, if she was being honest with herself, she didn't deserve to have his respect. So, she continued.
"I'm sorry that it had to be you. And I'm sorry that it has to be you now, too. You don't deserve this. And when I . . . did what I did, I never wanted it to have to be you to deal with it. You've done too much" She stopped, refusing to take her eyes off of him, she watched him closely.
"And I'm sorry that after everything, after all you've done, I'm sorry that it had to be you." Carol watched Rick shift his weight, his hands gripped his waist a little tighter, but he still refused to look up.
"And I know you don't owe me anything, and I don't deserve anything from you. I know that. But, please, Rick. I'm asking you, not for me, but for him. For Daryl. Please. If you care about him, and I know you care about that man like a brother, then Rick please, please, do not tell him. If you can overlook me, just for a second, overlook your anger and your disappointment and your frustration with me, if you could find the strength to do so, I'm asking you please to try. And I know it's not fair, and I know it's unbelievably hard, but I'm begging you just to try. Please."
Rick's eyes clenched at her words, and he held them tight for a while. Maybe he was trying to pretend this wasn't happening. Maybe he was trying to convince himself he was anywhere but on the side of the road having this conversation. She didn't know, but she let him be. It wasn't until he opened his eyes again, that she continued.
"Daryl . . .he's changed from how he used to be. You know that. He's better now, he cares now, he loves people and he lets people love him. He's growing, and he's changing, and he's letting the amazing person that has been pushed down for all those years, finally stand up and shine. And he deserves that. I don't want him to go back. I don't want him to close off and dismiss people and become cold. Please, Rick. Please. He's come so far, and he deserves to stay here. He can't go back. It'll destroy him. This will destroy him."
"You don't think I know that!?" Rick snapped, arms shooting up in frustration. His voice was gruff, scary, and his eyes were so full of utter hurt, utter devastation, heartbreak. And there was a glint of anger, a tiny moment as he stepped toward her that Carol saw the rage inside him. But, the sorrow, the anguish, the despair that consumed him was too much for it, and the flicker of fury was quickly swallowed by his overwhelming grief.
"You don't think I know what this will do to him!? What I have to inflict on him?" Rick sighed out deeply, trying again to build up his anger façade.
"He doesn't deserve this. No one does. Believe me I know that. And to stand here and tell me, ask me, as if- as if I don't know! I know all too well, Carol. I know what telling him will do. I know how badly it will hurt him. I know how his heart will break. I know how he'll lose faith in the good, in people, in everything! You think I want that for him? You honestly think I want to be the person that destroys him? The person to take away everything he's fighting for, everything he's living for in this life? You think I want to do that to him?"
Rick glared at her, bore his eyes into hers, begging her to take it all back. To change it all somehow. To make it all go away. To do it over, and do it different.
And the look he gave her, Carol knew, no matter how much longer she lived in this world, she would never forget.
She had never seen him like that. So broken, so vulnerable, so . . .sad. His eyes were blaming her, hating her, boring into her with such a livid accountability. And at the very same time, they were begging her to stay, to give him a reason to change his mind, they were longing, searching desperately for the traces of the woman he knew and loved, so utterly and painfully conflicted between his desperate desire to give her a second chance, and his obligation to keep the others safe.
"I don't!" Rick yelled, quickly taking a step toward her. "We need to believe. We need to believe and have hope and trust the people around us. We need to stay strong and love and believe in that and believe in our family, in each other. We need to believe in the good, and the humanity, and the love we have for each other. That's the only way we'll ever get through this. That's why we're alive! That's how we're surviving!"
"And you took that away from him" Rick swatted the air with his hand, his voice catching in his throat. "You took that away"
Carol watched him, refusing to say anything. She knew she deserved to be put in her place, deserved to have him screaming in her face and to have the terrible things she had done and their consequences thrown back in her face. She knew she was responsible, she knew she was to blame. And she had to deal with it. She had to hear it through his shaking voice, had to look in his eyes on the verge of spilling tears. She didn't deserve to make it stop. And so, she stood there, and she listened.
"So don't stand here and ask me to go back and lie to him! Because you are not the one whose gunna have to tell him." Rick took a few quick steps toward her, pointing harshly in her face.
"You are not the one whose gunna see his devastated face. You are not the one whose gunna have to watch his heart break, watch him crumble and try so hard to hide it. You are not the one that's going to watch him stalk off into the woods alone day by day, shut everyone out and retreat into himself." Rick's voice was growing harsher by the second, by the word, and the angry spray of his words spewed onto her face.
It was quiet for a few long seconds. More quiet than either of them had experienced in a long time. The wind was blowing softly. The trees were gently swaying in the breeze, the leaves skirting across the tar, and the grass whistling quietly.
"YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHOSE GUNNA SEE HIM BREAK!"
The boom of Rick's voice smashed into her- through her. She could feel her stomach sinking, the goose bumps rising. She could feel a tear sliding down her cheek, and she slowly brought her hand up to wipe it away. She felt her heart being ripped apart, pulled, stabbed. Her breath hitched in her throat, and her insides felt restricted.
There were no words to say. Not a single word in the English language would matter right now. They would mean nothing, they had no standing, and they most certainly wouldn't make a difference. There were no words that even existed to explain this kind of hurt, this kind of pain, and this unbearable situation. So she nodded. And she continued to nod.
Rick watched her standing there, wiping away her tears. His eyes still angry, and his teeth still gritted together. He crossed his arms across his chest tightly and could only look at her for a few more seconds before dropping his eyes to that old stain on the tar once again.
Because as much as he didn't want to have sympathy for her in that moment, as much as he didn't want to care for her, feel for her anymore, he did. He did. And he knew that that was what kept him human.
So he stared at that stain. And he stared, and he stared, and he stared. The only sounds he could hear were her sniffles as she tried to conceal them from him. He closed his eyes, he needed to escape it all. And he needed to do it now.
But it all came back.
The morning he met her, the morning she had washed his clothes before ever having even been introduced to him.
'You washed my clothes?'
"Well, best I could. Scrubbing on a washboard ain't half as good as my old Maytag back home."
"That's very kind thank you"
The moment she pulled the grenade out of her bag at the CDC, handed it to him like it was nothing, like she wasn't helping at all with giving them a way out.
"I have something that might help"
When Sophia went missing. Carol crying, begging him to look for her. The promise he made her that he'd find her, that he wouldn't stop looking for her.
"I'll find her"
The cries, the screams, when Sophia had walked out of the barn. The way Carol ran, crumbled and fell, held back by Daryl as she hit the ground, trying desperately to get to her daughter. The way he raised his gun, his arm so unbearably heavy. And the way he pulled that trigger, hoping, praying she wasn't watching.
"I'm sorry"
The first time she had ever stood up to him, and the first time he yelled at her. Confusion and hurt and frustration overtaking him that night around the fire, after they had narrowly escaped Hershel's farm.
"Do something"
"I am doing something!"
The winter that they had grown closer as a family, closer as friends. The group had become cohesive, solid. They were together, and they'd be together no matter what. They were family.
When they found the prison, and cleared it of the walkers. How far she had come, and how much she had learned over the winter about killing walkers, about defending herself and others. The pride he felt in her.
"Carol, you've become a pretty good shot"
The joy he saw in her, when they had set up at the prison. The hope, and optimism, and happiness that she had, the way she spread it to everyone else in the group.
"This is the most space we've had since we left the farm!"
When he thought he had lost her, along with Lori and T-Dog. The devastation he felt at losing yet another member of the group, of his family. The heartbreak and loss and brokenness he couldn't figure out how to repair.
"She's gone too. We lost them."
The absolute joy, the heartwarmingly amazing, beautiful, wonderfully, restoring moment of happiness and love when he saw her alive. When Daryl brought him back to the cells and he saw her standing there. He knew everything was going to be alright. Things were going to get better. They hadn't lost her. They still had her. He couldn't remember being so happy, so full of joy, and so warm, in such a long time.
The look they had shared and the hug they had embraced in. He held her tight, close, and he didn't want to let her go.
How she had looked after his baby girl. Fed her and cared for her and loved her so much. Always looking out for her, especially when he had struggled. She was there for him, she was there for their family. Everything she had done for them all in those months, in those moments of uncertainty and instability, when he was falling apart in front of them all. She picked them all back up. Held them together.
He opened his eyes. Looked at the woman standing in front of him, and saw that she had been looking at him the whole time. Now, she wasn't the only one that had a tear running down her cheek. But he didn't swipe it away, he didn't cover his eyes. It wouldn't matter.
He cleared his throat, eyes locked on hers, trying to find the words to say. And he knew, he knew, that his anger, his disappointment, his sadness wasn't all just due to his concern for how this all would affect Daryl. Of course he had tried to convince himself of it, tried to project all his feelings into that concern for his friend. But now, looking at her, really looking at her for the first time since they'd been out there together, Rick knew it wasn't that simple.
Because he was losing her too.
Another tear rolled down his face and he shook his head slowly. The yelling, the screaming, the glaring, the scowling at her about how she could possibly due this to Daryl, to the group. Of course he was upset about that, of course he cared how it would affect them all. But, for the first time since he had driven out here with her, he didn't shove away the feeling of how it would affect him. He let it hit him. And it hurt.
"The thing is" Rick started, his voice shaky, and he shook his head in an attempt to sturdy it. He cleared his throat, and took a deep breath. "Thing is . . . it's not going to matter what I say to them. To Daryl."
Carol watched him closely, her lip quivering as she watched his do the same. She brushed away the tear on her cheek and looked him in his pain filled, sad, eyes.
"Whether I tell him you didn't make it, or I tell him the truth . His heart is going to break either way." Rick looked at her, his eyes, and hers too, so filled with the emotion they were feeling. And she knew in that moment that Daryl was not the only one to which he was referring. His heart wasn't the only one that would break. She sniffed loudly, and took in a shaky, deep breath.
"Because you won't be there" Rick said softly, any trace of anger that had been in his voice earlier may have never been there at all. "And that's all that matters"
And of course it had been about what she had done. But, Rick started to realize that all his anger, all his hurt, may have been just as well directed at what she was going to do. Not all at what had happened, but what was going to happen.
She was going to make him drive back alone.
She was going to have to leave the group.
She was going to make them all live without her in this crazy world that they could only manage together.
She was going to be gone.
And that killed him. Worse than any of it. It killed him that because of what she did, because of how she had acted, they were going to lose her. They were going to lose her. And he couldn't understand how she had done that to them. She was going to make them all have to go on without her, and that was what upset him most of all.
"I'm sorry" Carol said, taking a step closer to Rick, and feeling the air of sympathy and emotion around them. "I'm so, so, sorry, Rick" She said softly, and her voice broke. Because she knew now too what she had done. And it was much more than killing Karen and David.
She had broken them all. Broken their hearts. And in this world, in this time, when heart and love and hope and family was what allowed them to live – she had virtually killed them all.
And it was Rick who took the step that was separating them, and he closed in on her, arms wrapped around her. This was more important than being angry, than setting himself apart, and refusing to look at her. Love. Love was the most important thing. Love, and goodness, and family.
Rick pressed her close against him and could feel her tears running down her cheek and splashing onto his shoulder. One hand was pressed against the back of her head, and the other on her back, as he held her close to him. As he closed his eyes hard, he pushed out several tears, and he felt them roll down his cheek. And he wanted more than anything to not have to end this embrace, to not have to watch her drive away. To not have to let her go.
"I know" Rick said softly, blinking another tear down his cheek as he continued to hold her tight. "Me too"
Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it, and I would love to hear what you have to say! Please let me know what you think! I know Daryl wasn't actually in this story, but a big part of it revolved around him. I was originally going to have the story just revolve around Rick and Carol's care for Daryl and the fact that they wanted to do the right thing without hurting him. But, as I got more into the story and touched upon that, I let it expand into how Carol's actions were hurting Rick too and not just Daryl, and how he really didn't want to have to let her go. I hope you guys enjoyed it! Let me know what you think!