A Letter To Alex.Love Isabel
Dear Alex,
Just me again, you'll be sick of hearing from me. How are you doing? Great I bet. I hope. Me? Don't worry about me.I'm fine. Everyone says I'm doing great so I guess I am...doing great that is. Somehow I can tell that you don't believe me..I never could lie to you that well could I? Actually, I haven't been sleeping that well recently. I've been doing a lot of thinking about lots of different things.but mainly about you.
Do you remember that time last year when I showed up at your door and kissed you? Of course you do, I know I do.... I remember I told you that it was so we could "generate" some information. After we kissed you asked if I had seen anything..and I said "nothing" well "nothing relevant" and walked away. I never did tell you what I saw that day did I? I saw everything- everything that mattered.
After that it was a few days later that everything got scary, what with the Michael and me stuff that was going on. I flung myself into our relationship...I wasn't ready then...I wasn't prepared for the feelings I would have. That you would make me have. Can I confess something to you? Just between us? It was scary how you made me feel. You somehow kept melting little holes in my ice princess persona, especially around my heart and that was scary. I know it sounds pathetic but, if you spend a lifetime keeping people on the outside so that you aren't exposed then..when someone manages to squeeze past the barriers it leaves you..vulnerable. It can leave you..scared. I have no idea if you know what I mean..I'm probably not even making sense anymore. It's late; my mom has already been in here 3 times. I know she's worried about me..she knows that my persona is just that. A facade that hides the real me. No one will ever see me like you.
Anyway where was I before I started my little rant? Yeah, it was scary our relationship and that's why I pushed you away. And ran straight towards Grant. Grant was never you, and never could be and that made him "safe" to be with. It also helped that he never knew anything about me..he never knew...me, I guess. How much did I hurt you when I did that? You know that I still hate myself for that, don't you? I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to protect myself. Of course, you handled it well. You went to another continent and got a Swedish girlfriend. When you came back, I was so jealous and, this is going to sound really hypocritical and self obsessed, I was upset that you had met someone else. Now THAT is pathetic don't you think? Can I ask a question and you don't need to answer me, but...did you think of me at all when you were with her? I shouldn't have asked, especially as we're back together now, I mean...you chose me.
You chose me and I chose you. We chose each other. You know I love those words, they say everything about us. Oh damn here's my mom again..be back in a second.
Did I mention that I was going to tell her? Yeah, Max..still doesn't agree but..Valenti knows. I'm pretty sure that Mrs De Luca knows something. Why should my mom be the only one who's kept in the dark? She's been great..especially the last few weeks. I don't know how things would have went if it wasn't for you two...well, I guess you've been a bit M.I.A. not that I'm blaming you. That was the wrong thing to say, please forget that I said that..it was silly and selfish of me. It's just, things were going so well and then you disappear on me. I was so angry to begin with, not with you though, just with..the situation. I think I still am angry. Is that terrible? I don't know anymore...I don't think I know anything anymore.
Hey, I almost forgot. Did you know that Max and Liz got back together? Looks like they finally gained a little bit of perspective huh? Michael and Maria are currently "on" at the moment. I know what you're thinking Alex Charles Whitman.."For how long this time?" right? Well it's been what.4 weeks 3 days since... and they're still going. I figure that maybe they'll try and stick it out this time. I don't think they need another emotional drama at the moment. Kyle and Tess are still working on the "platonic" relationship. That will never last. There is too much chemistry between those two and both of them deserve a little happiness, don't you think? So life for the other Roswell couples are going great. Who says God doesn't work in mysterious ways? God...he certainly has a screwed up concept sometimes doesn't he? I'm sorry, I sound bitter again right? And still angry? It's just..just..sometimes..I don't know what I mean. Things happen for a reason, that's what they said in that film right? You know your "destiny" (I can't believe I just wrote that word!) is planned for you and no matter what decisions you make you will fulfil it at one point. Just sometimes it will be...quicker than if you had made different choices. Do you know what I mean? And no, I'm not talking about the screwed up destiny, I mean..real destiny...the destiny we'll have. Someday.
I was also thinking about the night we got together, do you remember that? Of course you do. It was perfect. One of the few "perfect" nights of my life, I don't know if there will be many more now. Or ever again. I miss you so much Alex.why'd you leave me?
I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I know that I promised not to cry, it's..it's just so hard sometimes. Sometimes, I just miss you too much. Thank you, for everything. For listening to me and providing me a shoulder to cry on. I really need you, I just wish you were here. Here with me, here right now. You read those stories about people coming back all the time..will you do that? Show up at my room door one night and give me that irresistible smile of yours expecting me to run over and hug you? I think I'd break the world land speed record getting over to you. Never mind just hugging you..I'm sure we'd get up to more than that.of course you'd have to fight off my mom and dad. And Max..he'd probably kill you. I can imagine their faces, the shock and Max's insistence that it wasn't real. It would be classic. But it would be worth it; it would be worth everything, if you were back here. Back here with me.
You know what I've been listening to? You'll think this is really needy but I'm going to blame you for it. Can you remember last year during the heatwave..before you knew about us? I visited your dream and I saw you dancing with me. It was the first time I realised how special you were. Anyway, I found the song that "we" danced to that night. It said everything about us then. Now? I think I might have finally "let you in" don't you? If I didn't then it wouldn't hurt as much as it does would it?
Oh oh, that was Max's alarm. That must mean it's 6am. He'll be in just now "to see if I'm ok." I better go and put on my "happy" face and he'll never know. No one will ever know because I won't let them get too close. If the world didn't rely on us I think I'd come to find you but they need my help. I know it would be wrong anyway but I can't help my feelings. I know the pain isn't supposed to last, it's supposed to get better. I think Max blames himself, for not being there, for not getting there in time. In truth? I think at first I blamed him as well. He could save Liz and Kyle why didn't he get there in time? I soon got over that though, he was so hurt and well, I didn't have the energy to blame him.I hurt too much. Do you know when it'll stop hurting? Why did I have to lose you just when things where so good? Why did it have to be you? Why does it have to be forever without you?
As predicted Max is at my door, I'll just shove my makeup on, the benefits of being an alien. I look good, you'd be proud of me...you can't even see the tear tracks or my red eyes now. I practice a smile in the mirror..I've got to look happy for them. They've got to see that "I'm doing great." That I've recovered. That I can live again. There, you see? The "ice princess" persona is actually useful isn't it? I can let them see what they want to no matter how wrong it is.
I better go or he'll barge the door down on me. I'll speak to you tonight again probably. I would never have got through this without you. I promise I'll visit you soon. Please wait for me.
Yours Forever.
Always Isabel
xxx xxx
Dear Alex,
Just me again, you'll be sick of hearing from me. How are you doing? Great I bet. I hope. Me? Don't worry about me.I'm fine. Everyone says I'm doing great so I guess I am...doing great that is. Somehow I can tell that you don't believe me..I never could lie to you that well could I? Actually, I haven't been sleeping that well recently. I've been doing a lot of thinking about lots of different things.but mainly about you.
Do you remember that time last year when I showed up at your door and kissed you? Of course you do, I know I do.... I remember I told you that it was so we could "generate" some information. After we kissed you asked if I had seen anything..and I said "nothing" well "nothing relevant" and walked away. I never did tell you what I saw that day did I? I saw everything- everything that mattered.
After that it was a few days later that everything got scary, what with the Michael and me stuff that was going on. I flung myself into our relationship...I wasn't ready then...I wasn't prepared for the feelings I would have. That you would make me have. Can I confess something to you? Just between us? It was scary how you made me feel. You somehow kept melting little holes in my ice princess persona, especially around my heart and that was scary. I know it sounds pathetic but, if you spend a lifetime keeping people on the outside so that you aren't exposed then..when someone manages to squeeze past the barriers it leaves you..vulnerable. It can leave you..scared. I have no idea if you know what I mean..I'm probably not even making sense anymore. It's late; my mom has already been in here 3 times. I know she's worried about me..she knows that my persona is just that. A facade that hides the real me. No one will ever see me like you.
Anyway where was I before I started my little rant? Yeah, it was scary our relationship and that's why I pushed you away. And ran straight towards Grant. Grant was never you, and never could be and that made him "safe" to be with. It also helped that he never knew anything about me..he never knew...me, I guess. How much did I hurt you when I did that? You know that I still hate myself for that, don't you? I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to protect myself. Of course, you handled it well. You went to another continent and got a Swedish girlfriend. When you came back, I was so jealous and, this is going to sound really hypocritical and self obsessed, I was upset that you had met someone else. Now THAT is pathetic don't you think? Can I ask a question and you don't need to answer me, but...did you think of me at all when you were with her? I shouldn't have asked, especially as we're back together now, I mean...you chose me.
You chose me and I chose you. We chose each other. You know I love those words, they say everything about us. Oh damn here's my mom again..be back in a second.
Did I mention that I was going to tell her? Yeah, Max..still doesn't agree but..Valenti knows. I'm pretty sure that Mrs De Luca knows something. Why should my mom be the only one who's kept in the dark? She's been great..especially the last few weeks. I don't know how things would have went if it wasn't for you two...well, I guess you've been a bit M.I.A. not that I'm blaming you. That was the wrong thing to say, please forget that I said that..it was silly and selfish of me. It's just, things were going so well and then you disappear on me. I was so angry to begin with, not with you though, just with..the situation. I think I still am angry. Is that terrible? I don't know anymore...I don't think I know anything anymore.
Hey, I almost forgot. Did you know that Max and Liz got back together? Looks like they finally gained a little bit of perspective huh? Michael and Maria are currently "on" at the moment. I know what you're thinking Alex Charles Whitman.."For how long this time?" right? Well it's been what.4 weeks 3 days since... and they're still going. I figure that maybe they'll try and stick it out this time. I don't think they need another emotional drama at the moment. Kyle and Tess are still working on the "platonic" relationship. That will never last. There is too much chemistry between those two and both of them deserve a little happiness, don't you think? So life for the other Roswell couples are going great. Who says God doesn't work in mysterious ways? God...he certainly has a screwed up concept sometimes doesn't he? I'm sorry, I sound bitter again right? And still angry? It's just..just..sometimes..I don't know what I mean. Things happen for a reason, that's what they said in that film right? You know your "destiny" (I can't believe I just wrote that word!) is planned for you and no matter what decisions you make you will fulfil it at one point. Just sometimes it will be...quicker than if you had made different choices. Do you know what I mean? And no, I'm not talking about the screwed up destiny, I mean..real destiny...the destiny we'll have. Someday.
I was also thinking about the night we got together, do you remember that? Of course you do. It was perfect. One of the few "perfect" nights of my life, I don't know if there will be many more now. Or ever again. I miss you so much Alex.why'd you leave me?
I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I know that I promised not to cry, it's..it's just so hard sometimes. Sometimes, I just miss you too much. Thank you, for everything. For listening to me and providing me a shoulder to cry on. I really need you, I just wish you were here. Here with me, here right now. You read those stories about people coming back all the time..will you do that? Show up at my room door one night and give me that irresistible smile of yours expecting me to run over and hug you? I think I'd break the world land speed record getting over to you. Never mind just hugging you..I'm sure we'd get up to more than that.of course you'd have to fight off my mom and dad. And Max..he'd probably kill you. I can imagine their faces, the shock and Max's insistence that it wasn't real. It would be classic. But it would be worth it; it would be worth everything, if you were back here. Back here with me.
You know what I've been listening to? You'll think this is really needy but I'm going to blame you for it. Can you remember last year during the heatwave..before you knew about us? I visited your dream and I saw you dancing with me. It was the first time I realised how special you were. Anyway, I found the song that "we" danced to that night. It said everything about us then. Now? I think I might have finally "let you in" don't you? If I didn't then it wouldn't hurt as much as it does would it?
Oh oh, that was Max's alarm. That must mean it's 6am. He'll be in just now "to see if I'm ok." I better go and put on my "happy" face and he'll never know. No one will ever know because I won't let them get too close. If the world didn't rely on us I think I'd come to find you but they need my help. I know it would be wrong anyway but I can't help my feelings. I know the pain isn't supposed to last, it's supposed to get better. I think Max blames himself, for not being there, for not getting there in time. In truth? I think at first I blamed him as well. He could save Liz and Kyle why didn't he get there in time? I soon got over that though, he was so hurt and well, I didn't have the energy to blame him.I hurt too much. Do you know when it'll stop hurting? Why did I have to lose you just when things where so good? Why did it have to be you? Why does it have to be forever without you?
As predicted Max is at my door, I'll just shove my makeup on, the benefits of being an alien. I look good, you'd be proud of me...you can't even see the tear tracks or my red eyes now. I practice a smile in the mirror..I've got to look happy for them. They've got to see that "I'm doing great." That I've recovered. That I can live again. There, you see? The "ice princess" persona is actually useful isn't it? I can let them see what they want to no matter how wrong it is.
I better go or he'll barge the door down on me. I'll speak to you tonight again probably. I would never have got through this without you. I promise I'll visit you soon. Please wait for me.
Yours Forever.
Always Isabel
xxx xxx