Happy birthday Tom
A/N I have wanted to write this for a while, but getting from A to B isn't always easy.
It had been a wonderful evening. Nelix had put on a delicious buffet of all Tom's favourite foods, played music from his favourite late twentieth century era, and to top it all the entire crew had come to bid him happy birthday. All but one that was, her absence, although unusual at such an event, was not unheard of. Tom had tried to make himself feel better by reasoning, at least internally, that it had been a rough time for them. With the Kazon around every turn, diminishing supplies, and of course the ever present pressure to get them home. The captain had simply too much work on this evening to make an appearance. This thought however had not stopped Tom from eagerly looking towards the door whenever it opened. It always held another crew member with a smile and a present, yet a little part of him, one that Tom would never let himself show, would crumple slightly as the well wisher handed over his present. Tom smiled politely and thanked whomever had come through those doors for their gift and opened their present, and every time he looked suitably grateful.
As Tom looked around now, from Harry to B'elanna, then on towards Chacotay, they all smiled back at him, raised their glass, if they were holding one, and Tom knew he had pulled it off. No one suspected how disappointed he was that the captain had not made time to come to his birthday party. Listening to Harry talk, but not really hearing what he was saying, Tom began to wonder what was so important that the captain could not tear herself away from for five minutes to come to the mess hall and wish him happy birthday. The anger which was now bubbling beneath the surface must have shown on his face for a moment because the next words out of Harry's mouth Tom did hear.
"Hey Tom you ok, you looked like you wanted to hit me for a moment there." Harry's voice was pitched to sound like he was joking, but the brief flash of concern in his eyes had Tom softening his expression in an instant.
"No, no way Harry, I get B'elanna to do all of the hitting for me anyway, far safer in the long run."
"That and I am much more likely to win." B'elanna chimed in, having just clued into their conversation.
"Yeah and that." Tom agreed somewhat wistfully, as the conversation continued onwards with only limited input from him.
The party had begun to wind itself down and Tom was finally able to make what seemed like a legitimate retreat. Claiming to be very tired and all partied out, he wished the remainder of the guests farewell and took off along the corridor towards his quarters. Walking briskly, but not too much as to arouse suspicion from anyone he may run into on his walk, Tom's head hung low on his neck. Walking as if on auto pilot through the turns and bends of the now very familiar ship, Tom pondered just why the captain's absence this evening had bothered him so much. It wasn't like they were especially close, well no more than she was with Harry or B'elanna. Now if it had been Chacotay's birthday, or Tuvok's, if he would ever tell anyone when his birthday was that is, now that would have been strange. But his? now that was a different matter. There was the rub, as Tom found himself outside of his quarters without even remembering how he got there he realised why he was so upset.
The woman who had taken him from prison, given him a chance to prove himself again, and trusted to fly her ship all the way back to the Alpha quadrant, had not thought him special enough to make an appearance at his birthday party. Tom hit the panel to open his door with far more force than strictly required. In return the instrument made a dull tone, but opened the door to bid him entrance anyway. Not bothering with the lights Tom flung off the jacket he had been wearing, it hit the table briefly before slipping off on to the floor. Not caring about the crumpled piece of clothing, Tom kicked off his shoes and aimed them at the entrance to his bedroom. One of the shoes actually bouncing off the door frame, before coming to rest in the centre of the room. Not giving a second thought to the mess he had made, Tom reached forward and picked up the Padd he had been reading earlier. It was not his usual taste in fiction, yet the plot of the story had him riveted. Secrets and murder, covering up what had been a tragedy of the saddest kind. Knowing he would not be able to sleep for a while, Tom began reading from where he had left off, descending back into the plot and escaping all thoughts of his own secret, and the woman which he wished to keep it from.
The chime at the door caught Tom by surprise, he was not sure for how long he had been reading, but seeing that he had managed nearly an entire chapter, he guessed it must be pretty late. Thinking at this hour it could only possibly be Harry, Tom called entrance to his visitor quickly, but did not put down the Padd he was reading from.
The low raspy voice and the thin silhouette in his doorway had Tom standing in an instant, dropping the Padd on his way up he looked from it to his Capitan, who was making her way over to him with hand raised in apology.
"Sorry Tom I didn't mean to startle you." Janeway said bending down and retrieving the Padd without looking at it and handing it back to him.
"No you didn't well kind of." Tom said scratching his head with his free hand and placing the Padd on the table with the other.
"Sorry I just came by to wish you happy birthday, although I guess I am a few hours late." Janeway said with a genuine smile, that had Tom forgetting why he had ever been angry at her.
"That's ok I know you are busy." Tom said not knowing what other response he could offer under the circumstances.
"No it's not a good enough excuse, I just got so bogged down in all the reports that I lost track of time. When I finally got to the mess hall, Harry told me you had gone home." Janeway replied now moving over to his couch obviously intending on taking a seat. Tom felt like an idiot, he had just stood there, didn't offer her a drink or a chair.
"Can I get you something to drink?" Tom offered quickly as Janeway sat down with the grace of a cat, but her head was shaking as she did so.
"No but maybe I can get you something." Janeway said with one of her rare cryptic smiles. It was only then that Tom noticed the shiny bag in Janeway's left hand. She placed it on the table and pushed it towards Tom. He reached out gingerly and picked it up. It was long and tall, and what ever was inside had considerable weight to it.
"Thank you captain you really didn't have to." Tom said not sure whether to open it, or wait until she had left.
"Of course I didn't have to, I wanted to Tom." She replied and for an instant Tom's heart felt like it was lodged in his throat. How could he have thought he meant nothing to her. Sure maybe it wasn't as much as Tom would have liked, but he knew she cared for him, for all her crew.
"Well aren't you going to open it?" Janeway said slightly amused by Tom's hesitation. Tom quickly nodded and pulled at the bag, the adhesive keeping it shut came away slowly as he looked down and peered inside. A small smile graced his lips as he saw the cap of the bottle which he quickly extracted from the bag.
"Altarean brandy. Not replicated, how on earth did you get hold of this?" Tom said his eyes lighting up as he slid the bottle out from the bag and into his cupped hand.
"I had a few bottles stowed away for special occasions. I thought this was one of them." Janeway said as she enjoyed the pleased look on her pilots face.
"Would you like a glass?" Tom asked immediately going to the replicator to get some glasses.
"Well if you are offering who am I to say no." Janeway retorted with a small hint of amusement in her voice as Tom quickly replicated two glasses and brought them back over to the table. The irony of the moment hit him as he watched the amber liquid sway in the glass before him. Passing it across to his unlikely drinking partner, Tom wondered if someone had told him that this would be how he would spend the early hours of the morning, he would have told them they were crazy. Yet here he was sipping Altarean brandy with the woman he would most in the world like to have shared it with.
The smile that he had been desperately trying to hide however made an appearance on his face, and of course was immediately picked up on by his ever observant companion.
"I take it you like my gift?" She said looking at him, the blue grey of her eyes still visible in the low light of the room. Tom realised that he had yet to turn on any lights, and yet Janeway had not mentioned the lack of illumination. Tom decided in that instant not to mention it, for he liked it dark and cosy.
"I do very much so, thank you." Tom said and he meant every word, this was worth all the heartache waiting for her at his party. This intimate setting was worth a thousand disappointments.
"Its nice to be able to share it with you as well." he said before his brain could register what he mouth was saying. If Janeway had been offended by it however she did not say so. Simply raising her glass to him slightly before taking another sip.
A silence fell between them now, one that felt uncomfortable and ok all at the same time. Tom was glad that Janeway was ok with simply being in his company, but felt the urge to fill the silence. Something that Janeway did not seem to bothered by as she slowly sipped on her brandy and took longing glances out of the window. It was however the captain herself who finally broke the silence between them, much to Tom's surprise, but also relief.
"I have often wondered what it would be like to spend the rest of my life in space. Endlessly trying to get home. Yet I can't seem to fathom that existence." Janeway turned to Tom now as if expecting a deep and meaningful reply. Something which Tom did not really have at this moment.
"It won't come to that, you will get us home." He said, believing it to be the absolute truth, even though he could in no way be certain of that.
"Well I am glad that at least one of my crew is an optimist, other that Mr Kim of course." Janeway said with a small smile, one that held a certain sadness to it however and Tom lent forward.
"We all believe that captain." Tom said looking directly into her eyes and not wavering for a moment. The only movement was that of Janeway's hand reaching for the bottle of brandy and filling up their glasses.
"I know and as a captain self doubt should not be a consideration, yet this is a unique situation, and I find myself wondering about my decisions, more often than I should." Tom did not move from his forward position, allowing himself to look at her, really look at her for the first time. Stripped away from rank and protocol, and sitting here with him as simply a woman Tom could see that doubt now, lingering behind her wide open eyes as she looked back at him. He felt for a moment honoured by her trust in him to show him this side of her.
Then the moment was broken, Janeway's mask slipped back on, she lent back in her chair and plastered what to anyone else, including Tom would have thought was a genuine smile. Now Tom new better. It was the smile of an expert diplomat, one probably practised in the mirror a thousand times, before becoming almost a habit.
"Listen to me it's your birthday, I came here to bring you a present and well wishes and I end up boring you with all my ramblings." Janeway offered, obviously hoping to change the subject quickly. Whether it was the alcohol, or the brief moment of vulnerability Tom saw in Janeway's eyes he didn't know, but he was well beyond curious now. He was enchanted by the woman who had sat before him, all sins laid bare.
"You know they are not simply ramblings, and I am willing to listen, if you need someone to talk to." Tom stated placing his glass to his lips and taking a long drink, he needed the extra courage while he waited for her reply.
"Your offer is very kind Tom, but I would not expect you or any other member of this crew for that matter to have to take on board that responsibility." Her words were genuine and the feelings behind them as well. Tom knew the burden of command, probably as well, if not better than any other member of the Voyager crew. He had lived with it all his life, and this gave him a certain amount of insight into how someone with great responsibility's mind worked.
"Then for one night don't think of me as a member of your crew, just think of me as a friend. It is my birthday after all." Tom added with a quick smile as Janeway's mouth curled up in a half smile. The glass in her hand tilted a bit as she shrugged her shoulders.
"That was low, how am I supposed to refuse the wishes of the birthday boy." She replied as she to took a long drink from her glass before setting the tumbler on the table empty. Tom reached for the bottle to fill it up, but Janeway's hand prevented him from doing so.
"It's your brandy Tom, don't waste it all on me." She said as Tom gently removed her hand, ignoring the pounding of his heart and giving her a half smile of his own.
"I said it's nice to share it with you, and I would never consider anything a waste on you." Tom continued as he poured more liquid into her glass and handed it to her. Taking it gracefully Janeway let out a long sigh before tucking her legs up underneath her on the sofa and looked out of the view port once more. The silence like a blanket fell between them again. Tom wasn't worried this time he knew Janeway was just working up the courage to speak, to finally let her worries out. Waiting was not something he did well however and just sitting here looking at her was giving his mind chance to wonder. Looking at the now half empty bottle of brandy sat unassuming on his table Tom wondered just how drunk he was. He had certainly acted out of character this evening. In turn so had Janeway, her ease with him now alerted Tom to the fact that she was perhaps more inebriated than either of them had realised. Before Tom could dwell on the thought any longer however Janeway's voice brought him back into reality.
"The only thing I every truly wonder about is how long do I keep going for. How many years do I travel through this quadrant, face god knows how many attacks before I finally say enough. Find a world to settle on and make a new life there." Janeway's words rang in Tom's ears for a moment. He had heard a few times from varying members of crew how easy it would be just to find a planet and live there.
"Never, because you will never give up, and as long as you keep on going, this crew will follow you anywhere." Tom replied as Janeway's head turned slowly to look at him, her eyes slightly wet from what Tom suspected were unshead tears. Ones that he knew he would never see fall, no matter how drunk or how sad she was.
"Is that a statement from the crew, or is it just Tom Paris I am hearing now?" Janeway replied, a slight raise of the eyebrow let Tom know that she was half joking at least.
"Probably both." Tom replied quickly, not wanting to get to deep into his own feelings right now, especially with almost a third of a bottle of brandy under his belt.
"Well then I appreciate your loyalty." Janeway said with extra emphasis on the word your, the obvious respect not lost on either of them, yet it remained unsaid openly.
"My father always said that a captain's real strength was in the loyalty of their crew. If that is true then you must be the strongest captain in Star fleet." Tom said breaking the slightly awkward moment as Janeway let a real smile slip onto her face. It was shy almost girlish in its abandonment, and in turn it made Tom smile right back.
"Your father was right, about a lot of things, including you." Janeway said as Tom stopped in his drinking and pulled the glass abruptly away from his lips.
"Oh and what inspiring insights did he have to say about me?" Tom voice was clipped, almost condescending in it tone, yet Janeway ignored it.
"He said one day you would realise just how worthy you were to be wearing that uniform, and that the only thing standing in your way was yourself." Her words resonated on Tom's mind for a moment, he wasn't sure if his father had ever said that to Janeway, but he knew that Janeway herself believed them, and for now that was all he needed.
"I am glad you think that way." He replied not knowing what else to say when someone drops something like that on your shoulders. For now Janeway seemed happy with his reply as she lent forward and placed both hands around her once again empty glass.
"He loves you very much you know that Tom, even though he doesn't always show it. Its hard when you constantly have to distance yourself from people personally. It's not an excuse it's just a fact." Janeway said now reaching for the brandy and topping up Tom's empty glass as well as her own. Tom was wondering if Janeway was still referring to his father now or to herself. In the end he thought she was referring to them both and he gave her a smile.
"I am glad not all of us have to operate under those constraints." Tom replied with a slightly mischievous smile. The alcohol and the lateness of the hour finally getting to him. Also it made to lighten the somewhat sombre timber the mood had taken.
"Oh I would say we all operate under those restraints, just some are more moral than professional." Janeway replied catching on to Tom's playful mood for a moment.
"Perhaps, but maybe my silence is for self preservation, or maybe simply fear." Tom said finally letting go of his anxiety. There was no point hiding any more, Janeway was a keen observer of behaviour, she had probably known for a long time the he had feelings for her. Not to mention that entire warp ten having lizard babies thing. Yet she had never said anything, never even hinted that she knew. Probably for his own benefit, knowing that she did not return his feelings.
"Fear is not something I associate with you Tom, so once again you have surprised me."Janeway replied breaking Tom out of his own inner monologue and back into the darkened room,where he sat alone with the one person he had to hide from.
"Well I am full of many surprises." Tom said keeping the mood light and taking a quick glance at Janeway who was now reaching for the long forgotten Padd he had been reading and subsequently dropped on her arrival. Picking it up Janeway examined the title and raised an eyebrow.
"Bleak house, also something I did not in vision you reading. A deep secret covered up by murder, I do hope your secret will not lead you to such drastic measures." Janeway said with a small smile as she placed the Padd back on the table and placed her empty glass next to it. Tom was about to reply when Janeway continued.
"Nothing should lead you to such a dark place I should know." Janeway met Tom's eyes and held his gaze, as though giving him permission to spill out what he had been longing to say for months now. The words stuck in his throat, unable to come out as she looked at him, but the slight fear in her eyes told Tom that she was just as unsure about this as he was. Just as unable to confess things about herself to him, which had led them to this point, sitting in silence with a bottle of almost empty Alterean brandy sat between them, and a room charged full of electricity.
"Maybe I should be going." Janeway said then much to Tom's surprise and he found he really didn't want her to leave. With every fibre of his being he reached out and took her hand. Janeway looked over at him as he stood next to her, looking from their joined hands to his face.
"You know I would follow you to the end of the universe just to see what was there if you asked me to." It was a poor substitute for what he really wanted to say, but for now it would have to do.
"I know Tom." Janeway replied as she lent forward and placed a kiss on his lips. Lingering no longer than was necessary to convey what she could not say in words. Tom got every last syllable as she stepped back and turned from him.
"Happy birthday Tom." She said as she walked through his door and out in to the deserted corridor beyond. Tom stood for a moment the feel of her lips still fresh in his mind as he picked up the Padd on the table and sat down once more to read.
TBC?
I wrote this really as a stand alone piece, but I feel it may have more to come. Let me know what you think, thank you for reading XxX