Ever since he was little, Kendall dreamed about fairy tales. About finding true love and marrying the most beautiful girl in the entire world. Ever since he was a boy, he dreamed about the 'one' and a happy ever after. And right now, even after almost eleven years since his fairytale obsession, big Kendall still dreams about all those things.
Though, he's far from living a fairytale.
Because in real fairy tales, the fathers don't leave their families. And what's left of that same family doesn't move all the way across the country to pursue someone else's dream. In real fairy tales, the 'one' isn't the prince's best friend.
See that's what Kendall dreams about, when he finally wills himself to sleep at night. During those moments, he allows himself to dream about his friend's pearly white smile, the way his touches Always seem to linger. He allows himself to dream about soft hands caressing his body and sweet kisses being stolen when no one's around. When everyone in the apartment has gone to bed, Kendall allow himself to think of Logan like he's only suppose to when the apartment is empty, and they're locked up in the safety of their bedroom.
He spends every night of the week staring at the sleeping boy in the bed across from his own.
Kendall doesn't want to dream about fairy tales, when the one he's starring in will never end in a happy ever after at all.
"No one can know about this."
Kendall can't stand how cliché it sounds. Can't stand how Logan is standing up and putting on his clothes in such a rushed way. And he definitely cannot stand how Logan's not even looking at him. Not even bothering to turn around and even glance at Kendall. Kendall, who is naked and spent and just so damn vulnerable it hurts.
"I know."
He always does this. He walks in when everyone else has walked out and he practically jumps Kendall. Claims him and his body like he's owned it his entire life. Like it's his property. Logan always thinks he can handle and do everything he wants, whenever he wants to. Logan always thinks he owns the fucking place.
While in reality, the only thing he does own is Kendall's heart.
"I love you."
It comes out more like a question. Like he's just asking Logan if the words coming from his mouth are even true.
"Kendall, I told you to stop saying that."
Kendall doesn't know why every time they do this, Logan is afraid of looking at him. Like all the things he's been so scared to hear are right there, resting in Kendall's eyes.
"Why? It's true. You know it's true!"
But he doesn't really need to look in Kendall's eyes to hear the truth. Not when all he really has to do, is listen. Listen to all the things he doesn't want to ever know.
"Kendall, I don't care, okay? Just shut up."
He leaves then. When all his clothes are on and there is nothing left that can make anyone suspect he was even in here with Kendall. He leaves him alone just like he did yesterday. And all the days before that. Alone to reflect on where he possibly could have gone wrong.
Logan is untouchable. Yet so, reachable all the same. Logan is right in front of Kendall but he just can't see him. Or at least not in the way he wants to. Logan is so damn easy to love, you'll fall in less than a second. And it all seems so wonderful. Loving from a distance, never knowing if what you feel is being felt for you. Never knowing and being okay with that. Because if you don't know, the thing you're oblivious to, can't hurt you. But once that thing gets discovered, there is no way back, and no way around it. Logan found out about all those things, that he didn't want to know, and he's making sure Kendall knows how it feels.
How it feels to add one more thing to this list of things he failed at. A list of things he will always regret, or all the wrong choices he made in the seventeen years of his existence. All the things he never should have done and all the things he can't ever turn back around.
Logan will always make sure Kendall knows how it feels to make mistakes that can never be fixed.
So when Kendall dresses himself and walks out to find his three best friends laughing and goofing on the couch, he joins them. And Logan looks at him and talks to him like nothing ever happened. A half-hour before in that room.
Maybe that's the thing Kendall doesn't want to know about.
He doesn't want to know that all the 'I love you's in the world will never change the fact that Logan won't ever love him the way Kendall does. He doesn't want to know that, so he keeps up the happy mask.
Kendall doesn't want to know about all the places where he has gone wrong. Because he already knows what it's like. What it's like to make all the mistakes and all the wrong choices he did. He already knows, without Logan's yelling or unexpected visits, that he won't ever be more than his best friend. But he keeps on hoping.
Because maybe, just maybe. The loving from a distance thing, works up close too.
Love isn't what everyone always thinks it is.
Kendall is experiencing love in a way that can crush your heart. In a way that can not even hate can compare to.
Love is the strongest force one can posses. It builds you up, lifts you from the deepest caverns of misery. Love makes you fall and helps you back up right after. Love breaks your walls down, exposes whoever was hiding in the hollows of your mind and heart. Love makes you burn like a fire hazard. And makes you flicker like a flame, untamable and untouchable. So yeah, love is the strongest force you can posses.
Until it is met with hate.
Hate is more powerful than that great feeling of affection can ever be. Hate can make you forget you ever even loved at all.
And Kendall can't help who he falls in love with. He never meant to, at all. But sometimes, you think the love can conquer the hate. And then life turns out different than you ever thought it would.
Kendall was suppose to be a hockey player. Not a pop star. Kendall was suppose to be the wise one in his family. Not have a sister who knows more about business than his own producer does. Kendall was suppose to fall in love with a nice, loveable girl. Not his selfish, asshole of a best friend.
There are so many things that should have been different. So many things Kendall never thought could happen, in a million years.
But he can't change them. No matter how hard he tries. The only thing he can do, is fight them. But he can't really win that fight if there's always someone stronger than him. Someone who keeps denying all of the things he doesn't want to be true. All Kendall and Logan ever do, is lie. To their friends, families. To each other.
Kendall is so wrapped up in that damn lie he's been telling himself, that he forgets what their so called love is even about. Because Kendall gives his everything. Whenever Logan tells him to come over, he drops whatever he's doing and rushes to him. Kendall would do anything for him, follow him wherever he goes. He would give up Big Time Rush in less than a second for Logan.
And you know why?
Because that little crooked smile and cocky thanks, and if he's Lucky a small pat on the shoulder. Those little things are the only bit of love he ever gets in return.
But Kendall isn't stupid. He knows real lying when he hears it. He knows when someone's lying, because he's so goddamned good at it himself. So when Logan tells him he's sorry for snapping at Kendall the other day, he knows.
"Baby, I'm sorry. Come on, Ken. I love you."
Kendall has been lying to himself for so long and that's just one more thing to add to that stupid list. except now, he wants to fight. Fight like he never could, all those times before.
"You don't know what love is! You don't know what it's like to wake up with that feeling every damn day! You don't know what it's like to fall so deep for someone, that you can't breathe and eat and sleep anymore. And you sure as hell, don't know what it's like to fall in love so fast that you end up hating that person, for making you fall for them in the first place!"
Kendall was so close. So close to breaking down. To just giving up on truth and lies all together. But with Logan there in front of him, the one person he never thought he could fight, he couldn't just give up. He couldn't lie. Just this once, it was time for Logan to be beaten, when all he ever did was win. Kendall's heart and Kendall's courage.
"That's what I do, Logan. I hate you. I love you so much that I end up hating you for not loving me back. Do you think I want this? That I like this any more than you do? I keep half of what I am hidden. Do you really think I want to keep and keep on lying? I hate that I can't stop this and I hate that you will never understand what it's like to love someone. But, you know what I hate the most, Logan? Do you have any idea, at all? The thing I hate the most, is that the person I fell in love with, that I would do anything for. I hate that it's you, Logan."
Sometimes, when the spiral of lies you got yourself into isn't working anymore, when all is hopelessly lost. All there is left to do is tell the truth.
In the end, honesty is the only thing that can ever set you free.
Once, long ago, Kendall swore to himself that he would never change for anyone. That he would always stand up for the things he believes in. Once, long ago, Kendall wouldn't let anything bring him down. He promised himself that he would search on and on to find that one true love, to find one person he could picture himself with till the end of his life.
Kendall remembers his mother reading to him, during those rainy days after his dad left. About Knights and dragons and Princesses. About heroes and love. And Kendall swore, vowed that he would never leave. That he would never run and hide from the things he's afraid to face. Kendall promised himself that he would always, no matter what, always be the dragon slaying hero. Whenever someone was in need of a friend or a brother or a prince. Kendall was the leader. He fixed problems and found solutions. Kendall had to. He had to be everyone's hero, because no one had ever taken the time to be his.
Even now, Kendall still wanted to keep those promises. That's the only reason he's here, locked up in his room with the raven haired, pearly white smiling boy in front of him. Once, long ago, Kendall promised himself that he would always fight for love. Even when the battle was so close to lost.
"Kendall, why can't you understand that being...You know, in a band is like social suicide?
Though sometimes, even the heroes fall.
"You know? It's called gay, Logan. And it's not social suicide, it's reality."
Kendall can't remember the last time he saw Logan so angry. So frustrated. Logan was always suppose to be the calm one, the one listening and reasoning with you. Logan used to admire Kendall. And Kendall used to always shine for Logan. Now it only seems like the rolls are reversed.
"No, Kendall! Reality, is two best friends in a band. That's the only so called reality that can be found in this very situation!"
Kendall doesn't know how long he can keep doing this. How long he can keep up this facade and just keep playing all those games of hide and seek, he doesn't want to play at all. Everything Kendall has ever believed in is right there. Out there, for the world to see but at the same time hidden in the safety of their bedroom. And he can't do that anymore. He can't keep pretending to be that hero when all he really is right now, is the stupid princess waiting to be rescued. That's just not the part he signed up for. During all those rainy days back home, when he was just a little boy.
Logan is actually really wonderful. It's impossible to hate him. But there are so many things in Kendall's life he always referred to as impossible. Yet they are all happening, right this moment. And Kendall can't lose the things he believes in. And the most important thing he believes in, is himself. Every part. That's why, in the end, someone has got to make a choice. And that someone is the person taking over his role as a hero.
"Logan, reality, is me. Every piece of me. And I love you. More than anything. That's reality and you can't keep running away from that, okay? Either you love me, or you don't. But I know, I just know there is something there! I know you're feeling something!"
Kendall forgets sometimes, that not every story in his thick book of fairy tales, long ago during those rainy days, ended the same. Because of all the things he could have said, the only words coming from Logan's mouth were the ones he never wanted to hear at all.
"I don't love you, Kendall! I never have and I never will! This whole thing, is was just about getting off, okay? No damn love!"
Broken is not even a word that can be used to describe how Kendall feels right now. So all he does is nod. Nod and get the hell out of there. The hell out of L.A. and the hell out of Logan's life.
And he should have seen it coming. Really. But somewhere deep down, there was this feeling of hope. But hope is poison. And it kills you, and it makes you forget all common sense. Kendall was hoping for something that never existed.
So maybe those writers of those fairy tales should make it clear that not even heroes can save something, that was never there in the first place.
Big Time Rush ends. And no one knows why other than Kendall and Logan. But it doesn't matter. They're all okay with it. Everyone has their own side project, anyway. They don't need Kendall's leadership anymore.
So he goes home, all the way back to Shakopee, Minnesota. Where all his misery started. He goes home and dives into his basement. Where there are stacks of boxes. Each and every one of them filled with hundreds of fairy tale books. And he throws them all away. Each one holds memories of things he just really wants to forget about. Like heroes and dragons and boys with raven hair and pearly white smiles.
He donates them to charity. He even sets a few on fire. Has a campfire with a few of his old friends from Minnesota. Teammates from his old hockey team and people from school. And they don't really know him anymore. They just hang out with him because he has money and because he used to be famous, or whatever. And his mom tells him to keep inviting them over for dinner because he has no one else. Because his real friends, were never actually friends at all. So he goes to concerts and has bonfires with strangers.
But that's okay, because they don't know the whole story. And they don't ask, because frankly, they don't really care. But the bonfires are pretty great. Because the fairy tales catch fire like crazy.
He watches them burn and turn to black until all that's left are ashes and the shallow beating of a broken heart. And it won't ever be fixed, another thing for his list. His list of mistakes that only says the sentence 'fall in love' on it. And when he looks at it, it stings deep within him, and it wrecks him from the inside out. Because the paper is right there, next to the empty boxes in his basement.
But he has to look at it. That's all he can do if he really wants to forget. And the only remaining part of the stories he used to love so much, is a painful image of what never was.
So in the end, he just goes back upstairs. Because in a few minutes his friends are coming and they're going to see this new movie that Kendall will probably pay for. And they'll make him laugh, even though it won't be real. And they'll make him stop thinking, and maybe some day, he'll be able to go to sleep, without seeing his face.
But the someone rings his doorbell and he grabs his jacket and before he heads out, he reminds himself that he will never find that stupid happy ever after with that boy, prince that was suppose to love him no matter what. But really? He doesn't care anymore.
Kendall is seventeen years old. After all these years, it's time he stopped believing in fairy tales, anyway.