Chapter One- Decisions
"Miss Paulsen I'm sorry to say that the biopsy we did on the mass on your breast turned out to be malignant…"
Donna's head started to spin at the Doctors words. She had heard of all these people having breast cancer, after all it is the most common cancer in women, but she still never expected for her to get it. She had found the lump on her breast a few days ago and was pretty sure something was wrong, after all she is Donna, and so she decided to get an emergency appointment at the doctors. Although she always thought in the back of her mind that it was defiantly cancer the optimistic in her still held some hope, which had now been thoroughly crushed this news. It was malignant. Donna noticed as soon as she walked in the room the news wasn't good. The doctor only briefly looked up at her as she entered and then started swirling a pen around his fingers. He wore a smile but it was obviously fake as it did not spread to his eyes. Finally there was a slight undertone of pity in his voice as he asked her how she was. Avoidance of eye contact; fiddling; fake smile and pity, all signs that something was wrong Donna had thought as she sat down. She then started to mentally prepare herself for the words to come but as the doctor spoke she realized that she was not prepared at all. She just sat there staring at a small scar just above the doctor's eye brow as he spoke. Unable to move trying she did her best to not burst into tears.
"I'm sorry but I'm afraid it is cancer and I would like to recommend some treatment options so we can get started as soon as possible. We will do some more scans and tests before we start anything but I want to make sure you have a good support system to help you though this. Cancer is a difficult thing to overcome and you are going to need people around you to help you through it. Is there anyone you would like to call to be with you before I go into the details?"
It took a few moments for Donna to register that she had been asked a question and needed to speak but as she opened her mouth to reply she started to think. Who could she call? He parents perhaps but they lived to far away and she didn't want to make them worry. Besides she was a grown woman she didn't want or need to call them. She then thought about who she would most want here. The answer was Harvey but he was her boss and she decided it would be inappropriate as much as she craved him there right now. Rachel was another possibility but between the firm law school and planning her wedding she is simply too busy and the last thing Donna wanted to do was burden her. Anyway Mike had only just got out of jail and Donna was not about to load on more bad news. So that was settled she would just have to go through it alone for now, until she decided what she was going to do.
"Umm… no, its fine you can just explain it to me" Donna managed to muster up a fake smile to convince the doctor she would be able to cope, however inside she felt as scared as she had ever felt before. You have no idea how much she wanted Harvey there to comfort her and tell her again that he would not let anything happen to her but she just couldn't call him. She had always been the one there to help and support him not the other way around. That's not what their relationship was like. Although she wasn't exactly sure where they stood with each other anymore she was certain that it was not the kind of relationship where you can call because you are scared, she was a grown independent woman after all.
"Well okay, but next time I see you I want you to bring someone along just to keep you company and so that I know you have someone to help you"
Donna nodded but still didn't know when, how or who she was going to tell. It's not something you can slip into an everyday conversation. After 30 minutes sat with the doctor where he had discussed radiation, chemotherapy, breast-conserving surgery, a partial mastectomy and a full mastectomy she had left feeling confused and scared. What the hell was she going to do now? She had been told to take a few days to think about her options and she had another appointment midway through the next week where they would set up a treatment plan. She almost felt like this was all happening way to fast but the doctor had said the sooner they act the better her chances. The word chances suddenly triggered the thought in her brain that it was possible that she may not survive this.
It was a Sunday and she knew that tomorrow she would have to go to work and pretend that everything was fine tomorrow. One hair out of place and Harvey wold know something was wrong so she had the rest of the day to pull herself together. Since Mike had gone to jail and the firm was crumbling everyone was relying on her. Though some of the pressure had been relieved when Mike returned she knew that people (and when I say people I mean Harvey) were still relying on her. She pulled out a bottle of red wine and the biggest glass she could find, filling it almost full of the dark garnet coloured liquid. She then sat on her sofa and let herself think all the deepest and darkest fears in the back of her mind. After drinking the whole bottle of wine her eyes became heavy and she eventually moved into her bed, drifting off to sleep.
That evening she had been thinking about how she was alone with no on to talk to. Yes she had people who cared about her and that she loved deeply but no one who she felt she could share this life changing news with. Everyone had had such a rough time lately and she didn't want to add to anything. She however craved company, the company of one particular man to be precise, Harvey. This led to her having a dream that she was not quite expecting. That night she had dreamt that she was lying in her bed warm and content with his arm draped around her. She could almost smell his cologne and it was the small details like that made the dream seem all too real. The warmth of his body made her skin burn and the slight smell of his favorite scotch wafted around the room. As she started to wake up the next morning she had decided to blame the dream on all the wine she had consumed but deep down she knew that it was so much more than that.
Glancing over at the alarm clock on her bedside table, it read 6:05 in big red letters. Although this was earlier than she would usually get up she figured she could use the extra time to make herself more presentable trying desperately to hide the after effects of drinking and crying the previous night. She slipped on a plain black dress, quickly grabbing one of her least favorite designer bags as she left her apartment. She actually ended up leaving half an hour early resulting in some extra time before work. This was something she was not grateful for as it gave her time to think and right now that was the last thing she wanted to do. You know when you just want to be busy so that you can pretend what is happening to you isn't happening; well that's exactly what Donna needed that morning. It wasn't working particularly well though no matter what meaningless task she carried out her brain just went straight back to that word. Cancer.
Everything seemed so different now she thought as she strode onto the fiftieth floor of the firms building. Nothing had changed from when she had left the office on Friday evening but the halls felt longer, the people seemed even scarcer and the ding of the elevator just seemed duller to her. She sighed as she placed her bag by her chair and sat down at her cubicle. Harvey was not in yet, which was not unusual, but she had kind of hoped he would be there as he always managed to cheer her up and make her smile when she was feeling down. Whether it was with his mischievous smirk, cocky demeanor or witty sense of humor, Donna liked him being around when she was feeling down. It was the familiarity between them she thought; knowing someone for 12 years. However she was wrong it was so much more than that.
She had been in work for about an hour before Harvey turned up. Donna had been staring at her computer screen not actually doing anything substantial since she had arrived and she had forgotten to get Harvey's daily cup of coffee with a dash of vanilla. So much for trying to hide what was going wrong. Harvey was bound to notice that she had forgotten and he knew as well as she did that Donna did not just simply forget to do something. This rang the first alarm bell in Harvey's head that something was not quite right.
"Donna" Harvey smirked as he leant against her cubicle "Are you forgetting something?"
"What?" she was kind of absent since she couldn't stop thinking about the fact she had been diagnosed with fricking cancer.
"My coffee? Did you forget?" Donna never forgot his coffee he thought, in fact Donna was never this absent either, and she always had an attention for detail but today she seemed off, like she was distracted.
"Oh um yeh sorry"
"Donna is everything okay?"
No! She had wanted to scream but instead she sported a simple "yeh, I'm good" and the fakest smile that Harvey had ever seen. Shit, she thought to herself, she had told herself this morning that she would be composed and ready for work like nothing was wrong.
"Donna what's wrong?" He was not for one second buying that she was fine; she looked as though she could cry at any second which broke his heart just a little. He had never been able to handle a crying Donna. Although come to think of it he had never seen her properly cry, he eyes had glossed over on a few rare occasions and she had used her actressing skills to fake cry when she needed something but he had never seen her cry for real. Right now he was scared that he might have to witness it for the first time.
"Nothing" Damn it she though as tears welled up in her eyes, she swore that she wasn't going to cry but she was so close it was pathetic. She couldn't even hold it together for the few hours she was at the firm. She barely recognized herself at the moment.
"Donna my office, obviously something is wrong and I can't help if you won't tell me what so come and tell me what's wrong" he turned into his office gesturing towards the couch so that he and Donna could sit down. He knew whatever it was that it was serious as Donna was never off her game. By not allowing her the choice of whether to talk or not he was hoping she would be forced to spill whatever was affecting her this much.
"So… you going to tell me what's on your mind then" Donna knew this question was coming but she also knew that she was not ready to answer it. She didn't want to become the poor sick secretary with cancer who needed everyone's love and support because she might die. She liked to be the witty sassy red head that people came to for advice since she knew everything. She knew that as soon as people found out that would all change. Although in the back of her mind she did want to tell someone, especially Harvey, so that she could share the burden with him. Harvey was always there to protect her maybe she could just tell him. He values loyalty and trust and if she asked he wouldn't tell anybody right? Maybe she could tell Harvey?
"Umm…" Should I tell him or should I not? Donna thought "It's nothing really its fine" Nope just a few more hours without pity would be great she had decided. Also she just couldn't bring herself to tell him, he already was sporting a very worried look how could she tell him now knowing how he could possibly react. Besides she hadn't brought herself to actually saying the dreaded word yet.
"Bullshit, Donna tell me what's wrong right goddamn now" he was not buying she was fine at all. She was not her usual self and there was something on her mind. All he wants to do is fix it whatever it is, he can't stand to see Donna look this sad and he needed to fix it. This is how they worked. Donna basically ran Harvey's life for him and in return when she needed help he always fixed the problem.
Donna, however, was thinking she would have to come to terms with the fact Harvey was not going to let this go. She had no choice but to tell him, but how? Hey Harvey I might die of cancer isn't the best thing to say; maybe she could just tell him she didn't feel well. That was technically true she was ill but she just knew that he wouldn't buy that. No, she was going to have to tell him and she couldn't lie to him. That's something she swore she would never intentionally do.
"I… um… I…" Harvey decided to cut in here in a much softer tone seeing her struggle, he said "Donna whatever it is we can work it out together" which he followed up by place his hand on her knee. His touch made Donna relax and tense up at the same time. They never touched, it made everything to fuzzy in her brain and she couldn't concentrate.
Okay this is it, she thought as she mentally prepared herself. Just get it over with Donna she thought. "Harvey… I… I have cancer" Shit was that too blunt she thought as he removed his hand from her knee and was left with his mouth slightly agape. Fear had taken over his eyes and they were beginning to go glossy. Donna tried to read him but she had no idea what was going through his brain. The old Harvey would have left the room and tried to avoid the situation but recently Donna was exposed to a much more sensitive and caring Harvey that she had not become accustomed to. Donna didn't like not knowing the outcome of a situation. She was Donna she was supposed to know everything.
"What" he took hold of her hand again "no, but… no" and then he did something that Donna would have never expected him to do. He pulled her into a hug and whispered an "I'm sorry" in her ear. His touch was making her skin burn which was just another reason they never touched like this. They both just sat there in each other's embrace until finally Harvey pulled back. His embrace making Donna's eyes fill with water again. Feeling emotions of sadness, relief, regret and desire all at the same time was beginning to overwhelm Donna.
"You're going to be alright though yeh, you caught it early and are getting it treated… yeh?" Donna didn't know how to answer this. The doctor had discussed treatment but she hadn't decided on what to do yet. She was tossing up between a full and partial mastectomy and the doctor had seemed optimistic but she was scared that she would not make it through. She didn't have response for Harvey at this time. What could she say or do, she was completely speechless. She knew it was a mistake to tell someone, now she would be asked all these questions that she simply didn't know the answers too or couldn't muster up a reply to.
"I'm sorry, I… I umm… I can't do this" she mumbled as she quickly got up and walked, well ran, out of Harvey office down the halls into the ladies toilets. She just couldn't think she needed to be away from him. The thought that she could lose him or ever leave him for good was too much to deal with. Donna's breathing was heavy as she leant over the sink in the bathroom. Tears were streaming down her face and she could barely stand up straight. She had to lean on the sink just to stop her knees from completely giving way. She couldn't help but think this is how Harvey must have felt during one of his panic attacks which just made her feel even more awful.
The next thing she knew she was sat leaning against the cold tile wall of the ladies toilets with Harvey sat next to her telling her to breathe with him. Her eyes drifted to his chest as she followed the rise and fall motion as he too took deep breaths. She collapsed her body onto his, leaning her head on his broad shoulders. His warmth radiated off him and in this moment Donna forgot everything that had happened between them. It was like the day they first met all over again without any complications or messy history. Just two people with this connection neither could describe. They both just sat there for a few moments not speaking. Donna couldn't help but noticed how his warmth and scent reminded her of the dream she had had the previous night
Donna was trying to copy Harvey's breathing so that she could calm down a little. She could hear the sound of his heart beat as she leant on him and that seemed to calm her down a lot. Slowly her breathing returned to normal and urge to vomit dissipated. She was amazed at how comforting it was to just sit with him, even if it was on the floor of the ladies toilet. Then her mind started to fully comprehend what was happening. The realisation that they were sat on the floor of the toilets after she had a full on panic attack made her feel pathetic. If someone to walk in right now and see them she thought she might die.
Meanwhile Harvey was trying his best to help her through this panic attack. Having become very familiar with them recently he knew that he needed to slow her breathing to try and get her to calm down. As she focused on him and relaxed in his arm he all of a sudden noticed how great it felt to sit with her like this. Yes the circumstances where shitty but he couldn't help but smile as she leant on his shoulder, he red hair falling down over his chest. Her signature vanilla smell filling his nostrils as he leaned further into her. Not only was this helping Donna relax but it also helped Harvey. This bombshell had just been dropped on him and he didn't have the luxury of falling apart. He needed to be strong and supportive for her.
"Harvey… I'm sorry" Donna lifted her head and shuffled slightly away from Harvey, already missing the close contact.
"Donna you have nothing to apologize for in fact it's me who should be apologizing"
"What for?"
"For making you panic, I shouldn't have asked you that it was selfish I was looking for comfort when I should have been comforting you"
"Harvey, this isn't your fault, it's just I only got the news yesterday and I guess I am still processing it all so I don't know… I… I… I don't know" she could feel her eyes starting to well up again despite trying so hard not to cry a single tear slipped down her cheek. Harvey instinctively lifted his hand and brushed his thumb across her face removing the tear.
"Donna its okay we can get through this together" Harvey smiled a little, looking deep into Donna's eyes as she managed to sneak a small smirk onto her face whispering an "okay" in response.
"Right" she said rather abruptly getting up from the floor "let me sort myself out I can't exactly go back out there looking like this" she managed to chuckle a little hiding the fact she was still hurting inside. Harvey knew she was just trying to be brave but now was not a good time to discuss the news she had just dropped so he simply smiled and mumbled "I'll see you out there"
As Harvey left the toilets Donna let out a sigh before reaching in her bag and pulling out her make up bag. Her crying along with the sweat that formed during her panic attack had left her make up looking like a 5 year old had applied it. She splashed some cold water on her face to try and get rid of the puffiness around her eyes before reapplying her make-up. Just as she was finishing up and went to pick up her bag she heard someone else entering the toilets.
"Donna" the immaculately dressed women said with a certain curiosity and Donna was just thankful that she had just finished reapplying her make up.
"Jessica" Donna didn't want to say too much in case Jessica figured out something was wrong. That woman had always been amazing at noticing when something was not quite right. In fact she was pretty sure Jessica already suspected something already by the curious expression on her face.
"Everything okay?"
"Yep fine, I should get back to work" Donna hurried out the toilets before Jessica had the chance to ask any more questions but just as she moved through the doors Jessica's voice made her turn back around briefly.
"If you say so" Jessica had said with a smile on her face, just to let Donna know that she knew something was not right but had decided not to question her on it. After all she knew when to push for answers and when to let something go. Seeing Harvey leaving the toilets a few moments earlier with the most worried expression she had ever seen, she was certain it was serious. However when she noticed the puffiness around Donna's eyes that was cleverly concealed by makeup but still slightly noticeable she knew it wasn't her place to demand any answers. Not yet anyway.
With that Donna left feeling slightly worried that Jessica noticed something was wrong as she knew she would be questioned about it later but she also felt a small bit of relief that she didn't have to talk about it right now. Donna returned to her cubicle to find Harvey buried in files already. As she sat he gave her a small but sweet smile and they just focused on work for the rest of the afternoon.
Around 6:30 Donna entered Harvey's office just to let him know that she was leaving for the day. She had had a long day and just wanted to curl up on her sofa with a glass of wine with some rubbish realty TV show on in the background.
"Night Harvey, I'm going to head home now" Harvey smiled as an acknowledgement meanwhile Donna turned but his rough voiced caused her to do a full 360 on her heels
"Donna… Are you okay?"
"Yeh, I just want to go home and forget about everything for just one night. We can talk about it another time yeh"
"Thank you" Harvey sighed as he put down the file that was still in his hand.
"For what?"
"For trusting me enough to tell me. I didn't think you would tell me something this huge but I'm glad you did. I'm glad I get to help you through this. You shouldn't have to do it alone" Harvey was aware there relationship was a complicated one but it made him happy that she felt comfortable enough to let him in on something so personal.
This made her feel kind of guilty for a moment as she originally hadn't intended on telling him but now she was glad she did. She was relived she had someone else who knew what she was going through who could help her though like Harvey had done today. She didn't know what she would have done without Harvey today and on that note she smiled and left his office swinging her handbag as she walked.
The next morning she had woken up feeling like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders until she saw she had received a voicemail from the hospital asking if they could move up her appointment to that afternoon. All of a sudden relief turned into dread. The doctor had told her to bring someone and although she had told Harvey she couldn't ask him to take the afternoon off to accompany her could she? Or maybe she could after all he said that they would go through this together right? Ugh Donna thought as she now had to have a very awkward conversation with Harvey where she would pathetically ask him to come with her to the hospital. As Harvey approached her desk that morning she had felt herself getting more and more nervous. Snap out of it, you're Donna you can do this she thought as she followed him into his office.
"What can I do for you Donna?" Harvey exclaimed as he sat down in the chair at his desk
"Um nothing never mind it's stupid" this is ridiculous, she can go on her own to an appointment she didn't need her boss to hold her hand. They weren't even going to do anything at the hospital they were just talking about treatment. He would literally just be there to hold her hand.
"Donna what is it? What's wrong?"
"It nothing really I can do t myself" his raised eye brows caused her to continue with a sigh "it's just I have this hospital appointment this afternoon and I was asked to bring someone but it really doesn't matter I can go by myself"
"Donna, don't be stupid I will come with you"
"No Harvey I can't ask you to miss work so that you can hold my hand"
"Donna, I have been looking for an excuse to avoid having lunch with Louis for days. Now I have one" it was so typical of Harvey to make a joke right now but it did lighten the mood and suddenly Donna felt a lot more relaxed. It also made it feel as though she was asking a best friend not a boss.
"Well since you want to, I suppose I can let you tag along" this was the first time she had properly smiled since she had heard the news, which didn't go unnoticed by Harvey as the smile on his face deepened.
The appointment had been arranged for 2:30 so at around 1:30 Donna had entered Harvey's office to leave. The hospital was not that far away but Donna had always prided herself on being punctual and had insisted that they would hit lunch time traffic at this time of the day. Like usual she was right, Harvey just didn't know it yet.
"You ready"
"Yeh, just hold on one minute"
"Harvey its fine if your busy you really don't have to…" Donna was cut off by the sound of Harvey slamming the lid of his laptop shut.
"Nope I'm coming now whether you like it or not, I called ray and he's waiting downstairs for us" He smiled picking up his suit jacket from the back of his chair.
"Harvey" He turned to face her "Thank you"
"Donna you don't need to thank me I said we would do this together and I meant it"
Donna and Harvey arrived at the hospital 30 minutes early so Donna had decided to go and get a coffee from the café in the lobby of the hospital and they both sat there sipping their Non-fat latte's with a dash of vanilla and whipped cream. Donna chose the drinks. They were just talking but as the nurse called Donna's name she tensed up. She looked at Harvey who gave her a comforting smile and he started walking with her into the doctor's office.
"Good to see you Miss Paulsen" the doctor said briefly looking up as her and Harvey as they both took a seat positioned in front of the desk.
"I wish I could say the same" Donna's witty comment making the doctor and Harvey smile
"I get that a lot" he chuckled "and I see you have brought someone with you" he smiled looking over at Harvey
"Yes this is Harvey my… my um…." Donna didn't know exactly what to say. Is he her Boss, Work colleague, friend? Then finally she decided to go with boss, which did make both Harvey and the doctor frown a little.
"Harvey Specter" Harvey said as he extended his arm so that he could formally greet the doctor "Pleased to meet you"
"So…" The doctor continued trying to shake off some of the awkwardness, sensing that this relationship was more complicated than most "we are here to discuss and come up with a treatment plan yes"
"Yes I guess so" Donna had completely forgotten to think about what she wanted to do. She spent the least two days either crying or thinking about Harvey she still had no idea what she wanted to do.
"Have you got any ideas yet after our discussion the other day?"
"Well umm… I…" Shit she didn't know what to say so she was so grateful when Harvey cut in. He must have known that she was struggling and decided to say something she thought. It's funny how Harvey over the years had picked up some of Donna's tricks, like how to read what people were thinking. He was not as good as her but still she was pleasantly surprised when he figured out exactly what to do.
"What option would you recommend?" See that was a good question Donna thought to herself. Why couldn't she have come up with that? She knows now why they ask you to bring someone along so that they can ask questions when you are too overwhelmed and can't form a coherent sentence.
"Well normally in Donna's case, since it has progressed to stage 3, I recommend that you have a full mastectomy followed by both chemotherapy and radiation. This is the most effective method of treatment however may women opt for the partial mastectomy as this only involves the removal of one breast, however this does increase your chances of reoccurrence. It is completely up to you though"
"So if I have a full mastectomy I will lose both my breasts and look all deformed but if I only remove one I risk having to go through this all again"
"There are some excellent reconstructive surgeries you can have done to replace your breasts once they have been removed however some women prefer not to have the surgeries or cannot afford it, it can be awfully pricey"
"Money is not an issue" Harvey cut in as the doctor spoke but Donna still had no idea what to do. Either way this situation sucked.
"Look, it's entirely up to you and the hospital will help you as much as they can no matter which treatment course you decided and we will do everything we can to help you through this"
"Okay, um… Harvey what should I do?" All she wanted was for someone to just tell her what to do so that she didn't think about it but Harvey was in no position to tell her what to do and she knew that just as well as he did. It almost felt like they were not work colleagues or friends at this point but a married couple. The way Donna relied on Harvey's opinion and the look in Harvey's eyes told the doctor that these two people wanted each other. Funny how a doctor who had only been in a room with them for 5 minutes knew they were meant for each other, something they still hadn't figured out.
Before Harvey had a chance to respond the doctor stood up saying "I'll give you two some time to make a decision, I'll be right back" and left the room
"Donna, I can't tell you what to do but what I will say is that cannot live without and I need you to survive this so you need to pick a course of treatment and beat this thing… okay" He took her hand and held it in his. "Donna please just promise me you will fight this"
"I will" Donna mumbled as she could feel tears building up in her eyes which made her roll her eyes. She swore she hadn't cried this much in her whole life. It was like she was broken or something. She was trying desperately not to cry in front on Harvey again but he could tell that she was holding them back. They both just sat there for the second time in two days, not saying anything just in each other's company till Donna broke the silence.
"Okay, I think I have decided" the door swung open just as she finished her sentence and she couldn't help but smile at the impeccable timing of the doctor. It's like he had been standing by the door listening through a glass which Donna half expected was the case. The notion of the doctor's ear pressed to the door made her chuckle slightly inside.
"Have we made a decision then?" he almost seemed too happy to be talking about cancer treatments but Donna didn't mind as his optimism and lack of concern, it was kind of comforting. Donna's response was a small nod which caused the doctor to dip his head and raise his eye brows a little "What's it going to be?"