In a far from perfect autumn day simple American military retiree , the occupant of the Denver suburbs, raising his head from the accounts for the light and flat, shuffled reached the kitchen, knelt in front of an oven , turned on the gas and , grunting , pushed back his gray head . Breathe smelly gas was nasty. I had to endure for nearly five minutes - and that's thanks to feeble health.

On the same day , hour and even minute, when the pensioner gave up the ghost , a notorious businessman , situated on vacation in his Spanish home, for some reason, put a bullet in his head. This death was instantaneous .

He certainly did not know that at the very moment a highly respected expert in the specific field of expertise , among other things , the professor, dripped his stack of colorless liquid from the bottle , dilute this thing expensive brandy and drank it for the peace . May he rest in ten seconds .

At the same time , with a difference of one and a half minutes , a prominent political figure , awkwardly crossed , jumped off the stool. Rope sustained, but the loop was done carelessly and cervical vertebrae is not broken. Had to die of suffocation - slow and unhygienic .

A little earlier , on the other side of the American continent , another man sent his soul on his last journey , after breaking bumper " Chrysler " bridge railing . Also injured two workers , who were all innocent.

At about the same time, choked on his own vomit drinking and resting man, tired of whiskey and snoozing in a ditch to rest. According to police notions of suicide here and did not smell, but the heavenly office is on this account a different view - deaths due to strong alcohol , considered suicide . So quiet soul flown away drunkard was sent all the relevant authorities on the same well-trodden path.

Suicide in Heaven is a serious sin. Picking up the documents , authorities found that all six had something in common - namely , jointly received a secondary education. That smacked very very naughty - whether collusion , or at the same time caught up mnemovirusom .

The Apostle Peter came to business responsibly and decided to start an investigation questioning the guilty.

The perpetrators , according to the inspectors of souls , well kept - not buzili not fall into a rage , and not even particularly interested in their future fate. Alas, the first preview shower clearance showed that the cause of this - not the power of the spirit, and long-term depression is not healed even death, this great istselitelnitsey all the sorrows of the earth.

The matter was put in motion : at least become clear reason to encourage everyone to leave a life . Baffling remained one small thing - the reason for this reason. Since a detailed view of karmic records of each revealed that the deceased had lived a life very different , and at least three of the six , they say, have been successful .

Peter decided to start with the most unlucky , leaving the hard nuts for later. Therefore, the first in his astral office delivered a pensioner from the oven.

- My name is Leopold Stotch . I lived sucks - he explained the reasons for his action - I never had any luck . Now , it seems , again not lucky . Not be hit by a car , so I drove straight to paradise . Well, drag me to hell , what can we now , then ...

- Before you get your punishment - Apostle stopped him - we need to know the reason why you have decided on such a deplorable act.

- That's what we know - sigh Butters - Well, I do not know how to explain . My life has not worked . All the time I felt some asshole . That the work that the house that the family . It's not that . First I went into the army , his dad out of spite. He always called me radolbaem . After the army I was a police officer , but kicked me out for a bribe . Another married a woman with a baby, ugly and stupid , I do not know why I got married, well, just to like people . Because of her , by the way , I began to take bribes . Money she always lacked . Then guard vebyval for pennies ...

- But this series of unfortunate circumstances was the beginning. After all, you were not born a loser . Have you had a happy childhood , adolescence is quite decent , good makings ... Try to remember - asked Peter - What was the first major disappointment in your life ?

- Yes, I do not recall anything like that - thought Butters - well, except here there was one thing ... but it's kind of ... Well garbage

- You talk, talk - Peter sent him the most searching of all your gaze - and please with the details.

- Well ... - Butters hesitated . - At the final deal was . Well , boys, girls , adults already , all the cases . I danced with Bebe ballad . There was such a chick in our class , blonde , beautiful, I like it . Well, cuddle , of course, but I have my hand on her ass. And she told me snort . And she says - before hand to dissolve , first buy myself shoes , like Clyde. Clyde - this is the guy , he dad owns a shop shoes.

- And what did you feel at the same time ?

- What do you mean "what" ? - Butters did not understand . - The last shit themselves felt . Went home like crap . Where I am and where Clyde ? Ever since then ...

- The picture is clear - Peter moved his wing, appeared before him following a suicide , daredevil driver " Chrysler ".

- My name is Craig Tucker . I lived sucks - he explained the reasons for his action - I never had any luck . So I decided to do away with it , finally. Workers only pity. Though they meksikansy , but people do . ..

- Before you get your punishment - Peter stopped him - we need to know why.

Pretty soon it became clear that the soul is totally dissatisfied with his biography. At the urgent request to recall the episode where it all began , Tucker, podnapryagshis , remember this:

- Well, that was the case, I still remember the graduation dance ... I Bebe ballad . There was such a girl , blonde, with big tits , she liked me . Well, cuddle , of course, but I have my hand on her waist. And she said : "No". And she says - before grabbing , first buy myself shoes , like Clyde ...

- And what did you feel at the same time ? - Asked Peter .

- What do you mean by the word " that "? - Tucker did not understand . - Of course , I thought that kind of orders that Clyde and asshole bastard, wearing shoes walks because Dad has in store , and I fucking suck ... Then I thought , what a hole I live. Where a normal person to buy shoes problem . So I decided to leave - at any cost. He married a peasant woman from New York, the fool and freak just to get out of this hole . But there is also no honey was smeared , well, somehow got used to fool this terrible divorce , somehow got ... Well, it turns out - I can not live there ! I am a patriot , a pancake, unfinished , native to the mountains drawn . California advised me - they say there these mountains even eat ass . Moved , too, the whole affair was . There's even a business started , the cars , I have always loved cars . But still everything is strange , is not his own. Began to drink . Then he could not resist , went to South Park - and there are all different, from that town our horns and legs were ... Well, I realized that the places on this planet for me there . So ... could not resist.

- It is clear , - the Apostle blinked and appeared before him following a suicide policies.

- My name is Stan Marsh. I lived sucks ...

With him it went better - he began to testify , without waiting for questions . It turned out that he was completely disillusioned with the ideals that were dear to him , and that was the reason for his deplorable act.

When asked about where he picked up these ideals , and when they caught fire - the criminal rather cheerfully replied that he remembers it well , and that there is a significant event on the exhaust .

- I danced with Bebe - he said - well, this blonde , I'm in love with her was a little bitch in the ... Well, cuddle , of course, and I told her hand on shoulder pads . And she said Fu . And he says - before cheek , first buy myself shoes , like Clyde ...

- And what did you feel at the same time ?

- That is how it ? - Stan did not understand . - Of course , I thought , how spiritless Well this Bebe , I'm literate guy , books I read, and like a beautiful mug , and her shoes this not, as some monkey ... That's when I thought that MTV is to blame . And indeed all the television. I decided then to do: put together like-minded people to whom this fashion too damned throat . We spent a couple of shares. Several conferences. And then off they went , he did not notice me at praymeris put forward . The most well-known politicians my friends jammed . From solid conservatives to the far left thugs . And almost all brands of dough modnyavye offered - I refused , wanted to stay clean . And learned today that my helper , I believed him as yourself - take money from anyone know ?

- It does not matter - the Apostle blinked a halo , and there was a businessman.

- My name is Eric Cartman . And who are you fucking ?

Cartman at first resisted, but then split up - and it turned out that he lived, he is very unhappy and guilty all the same damn prom and Bebe .

- Well, cuddle , of course, but I wanted to touch her boobs . And she told me once on the arm. And she said - before you go there to climb , first buy myself shoes , like Clyde. Well, I felt - I'll kill himself, and all going to kill his own mother would not regret , as soon as I have shoes like that Clyde ! Let not some shoes - incensed Cartman - and everything, all I will have . Bebe will be such a turn based , so I fucked them . I have hitherto only watched TV , yes guzzled everything. And then decided - no, since to me because - well , you get my . I gritted his teeth and went to nail down the loot . First I bought the shop , then the other . Then I sold everything and invested in the dry cleaning . Well, I must say. For the year tripled . Then I wanted to do with oil , but there is fierce competition . Then I organized a fast food chain . Maybe you've heard ? Cartman's wings called. Well, I was one hundred million, then lucky - it became five , then have to millardurdu fit , and why? I did it all the truth nafig not. And as whores such as Bebe , I'm fucked car and small truck , also did not help ... I tried to tie , books to read intelligent , watching Fellini films - so do not understand anything , brains are not the only think about money and can not, and I have them , and as a fool wrappers . In general , I thought , I thought , that's ...

- Enough - The Apostle willpower removed Cartman out of sight and called the next one, professor.

- My name is Kyle Brofflovski . I lived sucks ...

With that Peter did not pull and immediately turned the conversation to Bebe .

- Yeah , I remember this - admitted Kyle - as well . In general, we danced with her ballad at the graduation , I was wrong , everything is one place she was trying to explore ... and she gives me a predictable normal female conversation - first buy myself shoes , like Clyde ... well , in short, I was offended , of course and then suddenly thought - why she did it say? But I know that she do not care about this Clyde , he went to her long wedges egged , no good, so why is it now something to me that Clyde 's nose pokes ? Okay, so thoughtful, properlo me. And I realized that no trait in humans do not understand. The next day went to the library and picked up a book on psychology. I was wondering how people in the head machine running. And you know - has gone matter. A year later acted on psihfak , passed, caught a good ticket . More - more. The doctor, a professor , a practicing psychologist upper level. He specialized in the psychological problems of the upper class. That's just my problem I have from this increased. You can not imagine what cockroaches live in the minds of those Rothschilds and the Rockefellers ! There's horror, the horror pandemonium , I was drawn to vomit after sessions . And the more - the more . And I have already known , specific clientele , again, I know about them is that - you know , there has not come off . In short , when I realized that I would have picked the rest of my life is that they are even called the psyche, I decided - the so much better ...

- Thank you, thank you , - Peter did not waste time on special effects, so that the last client - the one choking on vomit - was at once - you - Kenny McCormick . You know, why here?

- This Bebe damned - he began with the bat - Life has ruined me , snake !

- Slowpoke on the exhaust ? They tried to enter into physical contact ? And she told you about the shoes and Clyde ? - Flashed awareness of the Apostle Peter .

Kenny rubbed his head in bewilderment .

- And , like it was - finally , he realized . - Well, yes - it has already sounded confident - Yeah, that's when I flew .

- You mean , she talked about shoes Clyde ? And what do you feel this ? - Peter asked for the order .

- Yes, Th - that she rubbed me - Kenny waved - some garbage , well, she is a woman Well , they say that they want when they want .. I then persuaded her , and then we went up to me , the parents were not, in general, poebatsya . I knew that in such a bitch ! .. - McCormick grabbed his head .

- Suddenly - and only managed to say , Peter .

- Yes there is ! A month later showed up , says - is pregnant , just from you, when parents directly . Says abortion will not, can not be me . Then I was young , stupid , do not understand, my brain burn, - in short , got married . I thought - and Th , getting married, do not like it - in divorce. Yeah, like . She told me that's because the neck of the village - Kenny jerked - That's the village, swung her legs . Three children have degenerated , I 'll fuck , not my last , I could not then , well, in the sense of the peasant women , to look at them I can not , for females . Money for life pulling away as the last ... a cultural holiday interferes, gnawing and nagging that drink ... its a fucking drink ! And now all sneakers in the corner, and all because of it, bitches and whores fucking ...

- Enough - Peter flapped its wings , and it all disappeared .

After thinking for a few minutes , the Apostle took a little book and beside each name accurately attributed : " Punishment: Hell forever ."

Then I thought some more, and punishment near the last name changed , " one and a half years of purgatory and return to Earth ."