Special notes: This story was really inspired by three things, the first of which being the lyric, "I'm so impressed by you," in The B-52's "Vision of a Kiss." This screamed Pam to me, and I thought of how their first meeting might have gone.
The second was the LiveJournal OfficeFanworks prompt of "Secrets." I knew since Jim's secret was out, that left Pam.
Finally, my inspiration came from Pam herself in last week's episode, "The Secret." In that moment where Jim confesses to his crush, Pam stutters, starts to say something, then regains her footing and says something that, I believe, she did not intend to say. Therefore, this story is about Pam's secret, what she wanted to say, and didn't. All dialogue in this piece is directly borrowed from the show, unless it's inner monologue.
On The Cusp
"Hey. Uh, listen, um, I… told Michael on the booze cruise—it's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here."
"Oh…" Pam said softly. It felt as though there were no ground under her feet, that she was lost in space and time. What had they been talking about before? Was there ever a moment before this time? All she heard were the words "crush" and "when you first started here." The finality of the word "had," as though all remnants of love had been washed away on some summer day years ago, and he had used it twice, like a hammer driving the nail as deep as it would go.
But, no, it wasn't over. He was still talking, and she was glued to his every word. "Well, I just thought that—I figured that you should hear it from me, rather than… I mean, you know Michael."
"Right..." She looked down and away from him, anywhere away from the man she could have had.
The counter was cold against her hip, a sheet of ice freezing her even through her sweater. Her arms were crossed, as much to keep the cold away as to keep herself contained. She felt sick to her stomach. Did it show?
"And, seriously, it's totally not a big deal, okay?" He was staring hard at her, and she tried with all her might to return the steadiness of his gaze, to mirror the calmness of his eyes and voice.
If it wasn't a big deal, then why did she feel like crying? Because it wasn't a big deal to him, she realized. He'd had years to get over it. Pam, on the other hand, had seconds to relinquish the quiet, typically self-denied affection she had for him.
Why was it so hard for her to look casual? She forced her eyes extra wide and avoided blinking to stave off the onslaught of tears that bullied through the corners of her eyes. She willed her head to nod in acknowledgment, but she felt like it was filled with lead and the movement came off as too forced. Were her eyes red? God, she hoped not.
"And when I found out that you were engaged, I mean—" He kept talking. Why wouldn't he shut up? Why couldn't he just leave it be?
The word engaged dropped Pam back onto Earth with a cold, hard thud. If she hadn't remembered her life as it was, she would have been lost in the world that could have been. She could have stayed lost in Jim's eyes.
He was watching her so closely. Was he wondering if she would be revolted, or was he just trying to reassure her that his feelings were now nothing but platonic? Either feeling was equally upsetting to her.
It was now necessary for her to stop his torrent of words before she was any more unbalanced. "No, I, I know. Like, I kinda, like…" It almost slipped out. She almost revealed her deepest secret. From the first day she had met Jim, Pam had a crush on him too. To be honest, what wasn't there to like? But she continued talking, stumbling over every word, biting back the ones she wanted to say. "…I, I thought that maybe you did. When I first started." Yes, put it all on him, as far away from her as it could be. Mask the disappointment with lies.
Because it was a bold-faced lie. She hadn't known. She hadn't known, but if she had, she had to admit there was the possibility that there could have been more. Jim was an incredible man, and he could have been hers. He could have been hers. No more Roy with his conveniently forgetful mindset when her favorite shows conflicted with his basketball game, and he couldn't remember where he'd put the remote; no more lonely nights when Roy was out with the guys; no more beer cans on the night stand; no more question of how much she was actually loved. Jim was, well, Jim was the kind of guy every woman wanted for herself—handsome, charming, considerate and funny—and a part of her trembled as she realized she was no different than every other girl. Some days she'd rather have Jim. Some days? she asked herself.
"Oh, you did?" He sounded surprised, almost concerned, but if it was so in the past, why would he be? Pam decided that it was just wishful thinking. She admitted it to herself for the first time: she wished Jim loved her. She could not, however, admit why she wanted that, but she did wish it, she did with her whole heart.
When Pam realized she was still expected to respond, she added quickly, "No, I mean, just 'cause we, like, got along so well." Got along? They still got along wonderfully. They were still the best of friends, and she couldn't ask for a better relationship with anyone.
"No, yeah, no, yeah. You saw through me? Great." She had to smile. His voice was so… Jim. That biting sarcasm, that quick wit, those beautiful lips pressed together to hide a slight grin.
He took a drink of his coffee, which allowed Pam a moment to let go of what had been, at least for the time being. "So are you going to be, like, totally awkward around me now?" She knew it would be the worst thing that could happen to her if Jim couldn't talk with her like they had every time before this moment—this moment that had changed her world.
"Oh yeah, yeah. Hope that's okay." She laughed, truly and fully. That was Jim, the man that always made her happy.
She headed for the door before she said something stupid, before he could unintentionally break her heart any more than he had. "And, Pam, it was, like, three years ago. So… I am totally over it." He looked so sincere, so truthful. That's what killed her, how noble he was. He wanted her to feel comfortable around him still; he wanted to make sure she wouldn't be unnerved by the feelings he had once had. She had no doubts now. Jim didn't love her, and she couldn't love him.
"Cool," she said, even if it was not.
She opened the door, a very soft, "Okay" to accompany her back to her desk.