Beyond Devastation and Back
Three words made Chandler's heart skip a beat. Those same words instantly brought tears to Monica's eyes. Words which meant so much, changed your life, but could all go horribly wrong.
*
Rachel had shepherded them all
into Monica and Chandler's kitchen, and they were all stood around
the kitchen table, waiting and wondering. Seeing Rachel so animated
and "twitchy" as Phoebe had put it earlier meant there was
definitely something up, but no-one could have guessed what was about
to be revealed. "Guys", she began gushing with excitement,
"I'm pregnant!" It had then been revealed that, Ross,
was indeed the father and very proud of it. 'Congratulations' and
'Oh my God!' swarmed around the happy room as two proud parents
to be sat, engulfed in happiness and excitement. For Monica
and Chandler though, it just wasn't the same. Forcing smiles to
mask their pain and maintaining the happy aura that was in the room,
they tried to block out the memories of their experience 1 year, 7
months and 8 days ago. * As Chandler came home from
work one afternoon, he was greeted by a rather 'frazzled' Monica,
one who was grinning insanely, but also, by the looks of it, very
nervous – due to the impeccably clean state of the
apartment. Bounding over to him as he walked in, she kissed
him tenderly, before leading him by the hand to the couch. "Sweetie,
I, I kinda have something to tell you…" Her tone comforting but
apprehensive – enough to make Chandler feel concerned. "Honey
what's wrong?" He asked gently, squeezing her hand, and gazing
deep into her eyes, imploring her to speak. "Chandler,"
her voice was barely a whisper now, "I'm pregnant!" She smiled
to herself, the statement just sounding so right! But she was nervous
about how Chandler would take it. They had been engaged for just over
1 month now and funding a wedding and a baby would stretch them a
fair amount. But she didn't have to worry any longer, for,
on hearing these words, Chandler's mouth broke into a smile, and
his deep blue eyes shone brightly, rimmed with tears, tears of joy.
He pulled Monica into his lap and kissed her and hugged her tightly,
allowing his tears to flow, parallel with hers. "Babe this
is just the greatest" he breathed, nuzzling into her hair. He could
feel her smile against his shoulder, and honestly, never thought he
could be this happy. "But wait
a sec, when could it have happened? We've always been careful,
haven't we?" Chandler asked, wondering how it came to be, not
that he was ungrateful or anything. "Well," Monica began,
playing with his collar, "there was that one instance right after
you'd come home from work-" "-in the kitchen."
Chandler finished her sentence, remembering vividly now how this had
happened, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. Snapping
him out of his trance, unfortunately for him, Mon asked him on
whether he wanted to tell anyone else yet. "Y'know, I
kinda like it being between just the two of us, makes it more
exciting, like at the beginning of our relationship!" "Plus,
I think we should wait 'til its safe to tell them, like maybe at 12
weeks? Because that's the end of the first trimester and that's
when they recommend it you should reveal all" Monica added, still
unable to comprehend how amazing a journey they were about to embark
on. And so the pair decided to keep it solely between the two
of them, until the 12 week period. Although they might have to come
up with excuses of say why Monica wasn't drinking or something,
this didn't faze them. After all for 5 months they had had to make
up elaborate stories and excuses to spend time with each other, and
if they could manage that for 20 weeks roughly, 12 should be just
fine! * A couple weeks had gone by since Monica's
revelation and the couple was as happy as ever. As a couple they felt
blessed with what had happened to them, and they could barely contain
their excitement which was proving fairly tricky, when amongst their
friends. They were meeting each other for lunch one day at a
café in between where they both worked, when Chandler walked in,
hands behind his back. Immediately curious, at seeing her
fiancé saunter up and kiss her, as if not a care in the world,
whilst hiding something from her, she tried to peer and lean to see,
but was unsuccessful. "I got a surprise for you!" he
smiled, his enthusiasm catching. And from behind his back he pulled
out a little package, which was wrapped in tissue paper. Monica's
eyes shone brightly as he passed her the package and she opened it.
And her smile could only get bigger and eyes could only get wider,
when she saw what Chandler had found. Inside the package was a
little white babygro, with baby blue writing of which said:
Bringing her back so they were facing each
other, he grinned. "We're gonna be parents!" he exclaimed
jubilantly, their grins matching each others now.
'My Mommy and Daddy love me so much'
"All I know
is that you are going to be the most perfect mommy in the world" He
smiled, and kissed her on the forehead. Could it have gotten
any better than this? * Monica was 8 weeks into her
pregnancy now, and the pair had decided that they were to get an
early ultrasound – just to check that everything was fine – and
to see if they could hear their baby's heartbeat. Monica lay
on the bed, Chandler holding her hand, whilst their doctor – Doctor
Nagle – rubbed the gel onto Monica's stomach, and swept the
transducer over the gel, so that an image came up on screen. "Is
it, is that, is?" They were speechless as the images came up
on screen. Sure, the baby still looked like a tadpole or a 'kidney
bean' as Chandler had put it, but it was there. "The good
news is all the aortic and pulmonary valves of the heart are present"
Dr Nagle smiled to a relieved Monica and Chandler. "And if you look
right here, you can see the fingers and toes!" And what a
sight it was. Tears pooled in their eyes as they watched this
marvelous image. Their hands, clasping tightly to one another's
never once let go, as they finished up and printed out the image for
them to take. Arriving back in their apartment, Monica took
the photo and placed it in a frame which read 'Our First Picture'
and was just perfect. Knowing that they shouldn't place it where it
would be on general display, they put it on the table opposite their
bed, where it stood proud. * It was 2 weeks later when
it happened. Monica was napping in their bedroom when all of a
sudden an agonizing pain engulfed and tortured her. Crying out,
Chandler heard her immediately from the kitchen and ran in, shocked
to see his love writhing in agony, tears streaming down her pained
face. And as he went to hug her, rock her, comfort her, he
noticed something that immediately caught his eye. Something
red amongst something white. Something dangerous amongst
something so pure. "Baby you're bleeding" he whispered
to Mon as she squirmed in pain, the red spots now becoming more and
more. "Call 911" she gasped, her worst fears, threatening
to materialize and she was helpless to it all. Rushed in the
ambulance, she was soon at the hospital, but as doctors feared, it
was too late. Too late. Those words were bitter
commiserations, as if something could have been done. But really, it
couldn't have. As the doctors broke the news of her
miscarriage to the pair, their faces raw with pain, and white with
shock, crumbled visibly. Their world, in a half hour, had been
destroyed, and somehow they were gonna have to try pick up the
pieces. As the doctors walked out of the room, they left a
devastating sight. A woman, beautiful, crying like no-one had before,
distraught and grief stricken, devastated over her loss. Sobbing
into her husbands' chest, he was equally as tormented, and tears
streamed down his face as he made no attempt to stop them, rocking
his fiancé back and forth. Nothing was said for hours, as
they held each other tight, and cried on. It was their perfect
picture. Their dream. And now it was a mess. "Miss
Geller, Mr. Bing?" The doctor spoke sadly as she cautiously
entered, still upset by what had happened, and what was about
to. "Would it be possible to speak to the two of you, just
for a bit, please?" And as their blue eyes looked up for the
first time, she was shocked to see the dullness and pain that was
etched into them. To see their shine vanished, their sparkle gone. The sight haunted her – she had never seen anything so
sorrowful, so painful. "Miss Geller, when you miscarried, it
caused your pelvis to inflame, something which is known as Pelvic
Inflammatory Disease. This has meant that your fallopian tubes have
become blocked, making it difficult for the egg to pass down to the
uterus." As she heard this, it felt like her life was
ending. Her head fell down and hung low, as fresh tears emerged from
her blood-shot eyes. Grabbing Chandler's hand for support, she
couldn't control herself anymore as her tears escalated into sobs
and she sat there, weak and lost. The doctor had said it would
be difficult for them to get pregnant again but not impossible, as
PID could be treated, though it might be too late. They should
keep trying, but there was a strong chance it was never gonna happen. As their doctor made her way out the cubicle, Chandler sat
down on Monica's bed, and allowed the tears to pour. Hugging her
tightly, as if never wanting to let her go, they cried, into the
night, remembering what they once had, and trying to come to terms
with their new possibilities. The two stayed their overnight,
never letting each other go, desperately scared of what the next days
would bring. Hard was an inadequate description of how they
managed to cope. It was intensely difficult and sorrowing and it was
only the two of them. Chandler had phoned Ross the next day telling
him they were spending a long weekend with each other, which was
easily believed and passed on. And they did go away. Away to
an old beach shack, not for a holiday, just to get away from it all,
to try and put to rest the past events. To try and move
on. Days were spent walking up and down the beach, hands
grasped tightly, as they spoke softly to one another. They knew it
was so important to keep talking to one another and not to become
closed up. And neither was willing to let that happen. Chandler
most definitely knew it was not Monica's fault. And deep down she
did too. But that didn't stop the self-hatred and disappointment
she inflicted on herself at times when she was feeling really low. It
was just so hard. So hard to get over what had happened. Were
you supposed to just wipe the slate clean and just forget? Eradicate
the fact that there was a child growing inside of you? No. She
couldn't do that. And she wasn't going to try. She was
though, determined to move on and explore the options. Yes, they
would keep trying, but they were gonna see the whole playing field
and figure something out. * The beach weekend,
although they didn't realize at first, did them a world of good.
With no added pressures of life or family, they were able to sort out
what they were going to try and do and put their little angel to
rest. Sure, the next few months, let alone weeks were going to be
very testing, but the fact that they would have to show a happy
façade to their friends, might bring back some of their own
happiness. It was a fairly unconventional effect of not telling their
friends about this, but they didn't want pity, they wanted closure.
And that was how they were gonna achieve it. * Weeks,
months, holidays trickled by with no-one knowing the internal torment
the couple had faced. At first it was desperately hard to try and act
like everything was dilly-dally and fantastic and a few times, head
aches had been feigned to allow one of them to go to their room and
mourn, cry occasionally, and allow their minds to wander, to imagine
what stage in the pregnancy they'd be at now. But the more they
allowed themselves to do that, the sadder they became so they tried
not to dwell, and their friends inadvertently made it a lot easier on
them. They were, fortunately able to throw themselves into
planning their wedding, a task which required great amounts of
dedication from both of them, and which really managed to ease the
grief and sadness they still kept inside. * And on
their wedding day, as they married each other, they saw and felt how
strong their love was for one another and how they could get through
anything. "Any surprises that come our way it's okay,
because I will always love you" Chandler had spoken those words,
that held such a greater meaning to Monica than anyone else, not only
because Monica was the woman in question, but of what they had
shared, been through together, and what they would embark on
together. They had been happy, truly happy on that day, and
although a couple of thoughts had drifted back to that time, all
those months ago, they never allowed themselves to dwell on it
further, and enjoyed their day as it should have been
enjoyed.
"Oh
Chandler it is beautiful, aw my God you are just the sweetest!" She
gushed. "Do you know how much of an amazing daddy you are gonna
make?!" She smiled, so proud of her fiancé.
But as Rachel had now said those words to them, all those thoughts, which had been pushed to one side for so long, came flooding back, all at once. They were going to have to see Rachel, excited about being a mom, go through her stages of pregnancy, trying not to remember what it had been, and would have been like for them.
And as they congratulated her and wished her the best, they really meant that. With what they had been through, they would never want to inflict that upon anybody else, especially not their best friends.
And that night, hands were held a little tighter. Special glances and smiles had new depth. And hugs were that more meaningful.
For they had been beyond devastation and back, and never wanted to do so again.