Twelve Steps

Authors' Note: So when I first saw the previews for the new season I couldn't help thinking about the final scene where Annie stabbed herself in the leg while she was in a near panic. Considering everything Joan has said throughout the series about being afraid Annie is walking down the same path Joan has taken, I thought, "Hey, Annie could be using drugs to cope with her time when she was dark!" I brought it up with MrMsMingus, and we decided to run with the idea and turn it into a story. If we are totally wrong about what was happening in the preview, whoops oh well. At least you'll still have a good story!

Chapter One

Joan was thoroughly exhausted. So far her entire day had consisted of meeting after meeting and fellow department heads jostling for attention. It would have been a lot to handle on its own, but that wasn't all Joan was facing. She'd only regained her rank of DCS recently, and having a new baby while doing the job wasn't easy. Last night she'd been up more times that she wanted to think about, so she'd been tired before she'd even begun the day's work. All of that was more than enough to deal with. But then there was Annie. Even though Annie was back working for the DPD, and therefore not technically Joan's concern, Joan couldn't help but worry. Annie had been through a lot. More than a lot really. Joan couldn't even begin to comprehend how much Annie was struggling with, and Annie was staying quiet about it all. That alone was enough to cause Joan to worry even more. She couldn't keep it all holed up inside of her. That was one thing Joan was sure of since she did the same thing herself and knew how it had turned out.

With only a short time between meetings, Joan hadn't had much opportunity to consider Annie that day. Her mind was occupied with other troubles, other decisions, other agents. When Joan slipped into the bathroom on her way to what felt like her tenth, but was really only her fourth, meeting of the day, she was shocked to see Annie at the sink and simply stood there frozen in response. Since Annie hadn't seemed to notice her arrival, Joan watched in silence, trying to get a peg on where the young woman was at mentally.

Annie was leaning on the edge of the sink, her head bowed. When she reached out to turn the water on her hands shook, something Joan definitely didn't miss. Was it from anxiety? Exhaustion? Fear? In truth it could be any number of things, and there was no way to know the real cause. Annie cupped her hands under the running water and let it pool there. She stared at it for longer than was necessary before lifting her hands and the water they contained up toward her. As Annie splashed water onto her face Joan spoke up.

"Annie."

Annie whipped around so fast it was like her name had been the click of a gun being prepped to fire. She stood wide eyed and tense like a cornered animal for a moment. Joan had seriously startled her. Finally she began to relax and wiped the dripping water off her face.

"Joan."

There was a flicker of nervousness in her voice that Annie was trying desperately to hide. She did a good job, but Joan could still hear it.

Joan took a careful, slow step forward. There wasn't a lot of time until her next meeting, but this was important. If talking to Annie made her a little bit late, then so be it. She was the DCS. They could wait a few minutes for her.

"How are you holding up?" Joan asked gently.

Annie shrugged like everything that had happened while she'd been on her own and returning to the agency wasn't a big deal at all. Joan could almost hear the dismissal of the question.

"Alright. It's a bit of an adjustment, but so was going dark."

Joan nodded, giving Annie the out even though she didn't believe Annie was being completely honest. A quick visual evaluation proved that the adjustment wasn't as small as Annie was trying to make it out to be. She looked thin and exhausted, like she was running on fumes and slowing falling apart. It wasn't possible to come right out and ask whether Annie was taking care of herself, but Joan was determined to voice her concern somehow. With the right wording she could get her point across in a way that wouldn't irritate Annie. Something light. To the point, yet not accusing. After a little bit of thought Joan settled on what she thought was the right phrasing.

"I know there's a lot going on here. There always is, but make sure you make time to eat and sleep. It's important."

"Right," Annie replied and flashed her a bright smile in an attempt to show she was fine. "Don't worry. I will."

Annie quickly dried her hands a second time, hoping to put an end to the conversation.

"Have a good day, Joan."

"Thank you," Joan returned.

She started toward the bathroom stall as Annie walked past her to leave. There really wasn't time for the break anymore, but there was no way she would make it through the next meeting without a stop. She'd just pushed open the door when she paused and glanced back at Annie.

"Annie."

Annie stopped, hand on the door handle, and looked back at Joan curiously. There was a tension in her frame too like she was just waiting for Joan to pounce on her.

"Take care of yourself. And, I want you to know, if you ever need anything or just want to talk, I'm here."

Joan didn't wait for a response from Annie and instead stepped into the bathroom stall. Her point had been made. Hopefully Annie would decide to come to her if coping alone became too difficult and she needed help. It was probably asking for too much, but Joan had to offer anyway. She desperately wanted to help Annie even if Annie didn't want to be helped.

Joan heard the door click closed behind Annie and sighed softly. There really was way too much work to do to add something else to her plate, but she couldn't ignore this. She couldn't just stand by and let Annie drown. The darkness of uncertainty and guilt was already creeping up the young operative's legs. No, not young. She wasn't really young anymore. Annie had experienced more than most. It was that experience that was building up the darkness and allowing it to grow. If Annie couldn't find a way to shine light on those dark places, dry up the roiling black water around her, she would be consumed. Before that happened and she was completely pulled under, Joan had to reach out her hand.

There had to be a way to balance it all despite the lack of hours in a day. At least for now she could concentrate on how to find that balance now that Annie was being added into the equation. Once she walked through the door into her meeting she could switch her brain over to those matters. If there was one thing Joan was incredibly good at, it was compartmentalizing. Her worries about Annie could be boxed up and shelved until she had a few minutes to spare and could take them down again. Until she found a better option, that would have to do.