AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY HIGH SCHOOL
The year is 177X, and the American Revolution is just about ready to get started, almost. Before they could properly rebel against the crown, however, the founding fathers still had coursework to complete in AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY HIGH SCHOOL - for the prerequisite credits - so that they could get properly rowdy and patriotic once the semester ends and July 4th, 1776 rolls around. Preparing the nation's best for their graduation would be no easy task, and so Professor Washington-Sensei took it upon himself to teach America's children in the ways of this world - Thomas Jefferson, Sam Adams, Ben Franklin, Shaquille O'Neal, Desmond Miles, Benedict Arnold, and country sweetheart CHARLES LEE. Under Washington-Sensei's guidance, the sexiest men this country had ever produced would learn how to tar a redcoat and toss liters upon liters of tea into the sea in no time.
The school-year started like any other. Professor Washington-Sensei began with a lecture on the benefits of French interventions, and only 56% of his students had fallen asleep with the first ten minutes this time around! This was a huge improvement over the beginning of last year, when 85.03% of the class succumbed to nappy-times and was ultimately left defenseless when a bunch of Hessian Jocks from the rival PARLIAMENT IS THE BEST GOD SAVE THE QUEEN high school from across the pond broke in, punched Professor Washington-Sensei senseless, and gave the rest of the class some very European-esque wedgies. Everybody's been a little on-edge since then, but nevertheless things were looking up today. And unlike last year, people were asking questions! Well, only one person, mind you, but still: Improvement! It was Connor Kenway, a transfer student from Mohawk Valley High, and he had only one question to ask:
"Um, e-excuse, M-M-Mr. Professor Washington-Sensei, but, uh, WHERE'S CHARLES LEE?!"
"Young man, we called attendance just before" Professor Washington-Sensei spoke in a droll tone, "You're going to have to find him for yourself now, I knowyou can do it. Now stop interrupting me, boy! You ask this same question every day!"
Heeding Professor Washington-Sensei's wise words, Connor activated his eagle vision and peered around the room ... and then immediately turned it off and stopped looking, because everybody was glowing red, white, and blue simultaneously and he couldn't make heads or tails of any of their facial features. Defeated, he leaned back in his chair and whispered to his desk-mate Sam Adams, "This is bullshit".
"Aw, what's the matter, bub? Templars got you down?" Sam Adams said to comfort his 'friend'. "Well how about you wash away your troubles with some of my quality Samuel Adams® ale?"
Sadly, Connor was going to have none of it: "I swear to Christ man, why the shit do I need to still be here? I'm years ahead of this class, I mean for god's sake, I captured Fort Monmouth before you had a militia, when I was sixteen. You fucks hadn't even settled on a design for your flag, let alone get serious 'bout revolting, when I straight-up murdered dozens of men and tore the shit out of their Union Jack. I started this war all on my own, and god-damnit I'm going to murder the shit of CHARLES LEE when I find him oh my god all you shits are so fuckin worthless I'm going to win the shit of this war do you hear me I'LL MURDER MY FATHER AND ALL THE TEMPLARS AMERICA WILL BE FREE OF THEIR FILTH I SWEAR ON MY MOMMY YOU'LL ALL DIE AS I WANK- "
Connor continued on like this for a while, and Sam Adams kinda just chose to ignore him as he jerked and twitched sporadically in his chair. It's amazing the desk was still intact, considering how much Kenway was pounding on it, and stranger still, Professor Washington-Sensei paid no mind to his pupil's antics. Granted, he was taking a swig from his flask every few seconds, but otherwise he just kept on chatting about King George or whatever, everybody was a little more concerned about Connor's breakdown at this rate to be really paying any attention. It's at this point that a really buff German dude busts the classroom door down, shouting "NEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDDDSSSSSS" as he charges forth and socks Professor Washington Sensei right in the kisser, sending him flying into the chalkboard and ruining his diagram on why Fish & Chips are so goddamn awful and how we as proper Americans can stop them from corrupting our tastebuds. Or something to that effect, I honestly haven't been paying attention to his lessons.
Professor Washington-Sensei got back on his feet and stepped forth from the ruined wall, his back covered in chalk dust and patriotic rhetoric.
"So it would appear you know how to erase chalk from a board while making a man soar", he addressed his assailant, "But do you know how to erase a MAN from existence while making EAGLES soar?"
As the Hessian tried to make sense of what the hell this nerd just said, Professor Washington-Sensei opened his jacket wide, and from his all-American® coat pockets, scores upon scores of all-American® bald eagles flung themselves at this villainous jock, tearing him to bits and sending his remains out into the hallwa- JUST KIDDING! There were to be no remains, for the eagles let nothing of this man's body go to waste. There weren't even any bloodstains left over, the eagles were sure to pick up every last drop - the American Way®.
As Professor Washington-Sensei dusted himself off, his pupils students sat dumbfounded at his lesson on resource conservation and optimization, and also Connor finally shut the hell up. But only for so long - a particular fellow student got up to examine the damage to the chalk board, and that made Connor's blood boil.
"Boy howdy, what a mark that guy left! Well, guess that's what you get when you mess with America, eh fellas?"
With the filthiest hair in all the colonies and the most villainous yet whitest and nerdiest grin to ever adorn a person's face, it was CHARLES LEE, in the FLESH.
Connor jumped over his desk, grabbed CHARLES LEE by the cuff of his shirt, and exclaimed loudly, "CHAAAAAARRRRRLEEEEEEEEES ... LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
With an even whiter and nerdier voice to match the grin, CHARLES LEE explained, "Gee whiz, that's my name bud, what, er, what can I do for you?"
Connor lapsed back into his fit: "GODDAMNIT CHARLES LEE I FOUND YOU I KNEW I'D FIND YOU NOBODY THOUGHT I'D EVER FIND YOU BUT I DID NOBODY HAD FAITH IN ME NOT SAM ADAMS NOT ACHILLES NOT PROFESSOR WASHINGTON SENSEI NOT MOMMY NOT MIKE DAWSON BUT GUESS WHAT THEY'RE WRONG THEY'RE ALL WRONG I PROVED THEM WRONG YOU'RE IN MY HANDS RIGHT NOW THAT MEANS I WON I'M THE BEST I'M THE BEST AT AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY HIGH SCHOOL I WAS AT THIS SHIT FOR SEVEN FUCKING YEARS BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE AND DON'T YOU MOTHERFUCKERS FORGET IT I FUCK YOUR TEA I FUCK YOUR FORTS I FUCK YOUR KING AND NOW I'M GOING TO FUCK YOUR SHIT CHARLES LEE RESPECT ME RESPEEEECT MEEEEEE-"
Suddenly a rock crashed through the window and hit Professor Washington-Sensei right in the noggin. Everybody looked outside to see who did that thing, and it was none other than Haytham Kenway. His presence revealed, he shouted at the class, "NEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRDDDSSSSSS" and ran off into the distance. He tried climbing the trees to get away faster, but alas, he was just too white to hop from branch to branch like his son. Back at the Continental Congre- I mean AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY HIGH SCHOOL, Professor Washington-Sensei cried aloud, "Goddamnit, those lilly-livered dicks over at PARLIAMENT IS THE BEST GOD SAVE THE QUEEN HIGH just won't stop with these Intolerable Acts! Mark my words, WE'LL GET THEM AT THE HOMECOMING GAME, JUST YOU WAIT!"
"Goddamnit Haytham you can do better than that you bitch- Oh I mean, holy moley, can you believe those jerks over at PARLIAMENT IS THE BEST GOD SAVE THE QUEEN HIGH? Their antics are bonkers." CHARLES LEE reasoned with Connor.
"Yeah, they're dumb, I guess." Thus spoke Connor, "But not as dumb as YOUR FACE!"
With that poor excuse of a one-liner, Connor whacked CHARLES LEE right in his face, somehow knocking the dude unconscious and shouting aloud "YES! YEEEEEEEESSSS! UNDEFEEEEEAAAATTTTEEEEDDDD!" while everyone else looked on in pure confusion. Professor Washington-Sensei confronted his student, "My boy, I was just punched dead in the face, both by a German and by a rock, and your one liner is by far the most painful experience of the day."
Connor, with all the tact and refinement we've come to expect of him thus far, countered Professor Washington-Sensei's point:
"My apologies Mr. Professor Washington-Sensei, I will try to not utter such shit-liners without putting just a little more thought into the subject matter. Furthermore, I shall be sure to kill all the Templars so that America can truly be free - you have my word on that."
"Fair enough, but uh, there's something you should know about the Templ-"
"Yep, no need to thank me for my heroics today or at Fort Monmouth in 1769, I know I am loved by you all." Connor interrupted Professor Washington-Sensei, before turning his attention back to Charles Lee. "So, who wants to help me dunk this nerd's head into the filthiest chamber pot we can find?"
THE END...?