Disclaimer:
This story is a "Bleach Alternative" and places familiar characters into unfamiliar environments and situations. I have taken great liberty with the creations of Tite Kubo and expect to pay dearly for my presumptions in the next life. Please light a candle or Auroshikha incense - stick for my poor soul.
Any errors, misspellings or mistakes in the use of the Spanish or Southern Athabaskan words or phrases are entirely my fault. If the story sucks, well, hey... thanks for your time.
Playlist:
The following songs are recommended listening with this story -
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Red Right Hand
lostprophets – Lucky You
Cowboy Junkies – Common Disaster
Jimmy Eat World - Pain
Editor's Note: The following excerpts were uncovered from The Saguaro Clarion archive vault during explorations related to the upcoming Bicentennial Celebration of our town, Saguaro, Arizona. The interview, sourcing from the original town newspaper Dirtnap's Digger, offers a first person account of the legendary battle between Kid Strawberry, Chigo Kurasake, (famously known as "Dithlhithl bigan shiwoo" or "Black Toothed Hands" in the Apache-Athabaskan language) and the law–breaking gang known as The Hollow Men, under the fearful command of "Captain" Suki Hazen. This documented and violent clash occurred in August of 1889 on the streets of Dirtnap, Arizona, which would in 1906 change in name to Saguaro township.
The eyewitness to the battle, "Gabby" Jijo, is obviously a man of his time: many colorful and often non–politically correct phrases appear in his narrative. We at The Clarion stand by the publication of this archival story as is and unedited from when it appeared in 1890, viewing it as a historical document and piece of living history that should stand on its own merits. It is a remarkable relation of the events of 1889, events that occurred on the hardpan beneath our very feet.
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From Digger, reporter B.LeChance
This article, being a first person account related to This Reporter by one "Gabby" Louis Jijo ("Gabby" being a descriptive term employed almost exclusively by Dirtnap residents in reference to Mr. Jijo) of the events of August 19, 1889, Kid Strawberry versus The Hollow Men Gang, is presented for the edification of our Gentle Readers in this special edition of the Dirtnap's Digger.
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I told you I'd be spinnin' you that story…don't get antsy there, pard. Just… that's right, 'nother one o' them FINE McGregor pours!
gulp
Whhhooooo–EEEE! Now, that's some fine likker, and I ain't talkin' piss from a horse, uh–UH, pard!
Where was I? Oh, yeah… Kid Strawberry.
Well, I could start in about how ol' Kid got hisself raised up here in Dirtnap, Ah-rizoni. Him, his Pa an' his two little sisters, cute as buttons, they was. Pa Kurasaki, well he was the Doc around these parts, only Doc 'tween here'n Tombstone to the south. Hell, he ain't only a people doc, pard, I've seen him birth calves, even draw teeth. He were a mighty talented man, the Doc. Didn't know half his skill 'till later…
So, anywho… what, you don't care 'bout this part? You want to hear about the Kid and how he went up against all them Hollow Men? Hold them horses, pard, hold on, there… No, no, don't get up! I'm just a little parched is all, my mind's a'wandering… maybe a little taste of that McGregor might bring me back… that's right, perfecto, sehnor!
gulp, gulp... BELCH
Oh, hell, sorry 'bout that… some peppers in the chili this morning, is all. So, long story short, ol' Kid got born here'bouts in Dirtnap and was helpin' his Pa with his work when he met his special someone. No one rightly knows how it happened, one day he was just a rawboned towny with that carrot–top, only talent getting' into trouble and fightin' his way out of it… what, I never TOLD you that? Well, hell, that's why they call him STRAW-berry, his hair!
One day, he goes a'ridin' on the outskirts of town, out by the mesas, he'd do that sometimes… that boy, he got a passel of longin' for the road in him… it had to be June, 'cause as I remember the saugaro cactuses were a ' bloomin'. The Kid didn't come back for three days, pard, an' when he did, his Princess was a'ridin' behind him. That's right, never even looked back at any of the little girls o' the town that were' a makin' cow–eyes at him, but he comes back with a galldurned Black Mountain Tinneh girl, meanin' Apache to you n'me.
Princess Ruh-kya.
All sinew and catgut, blazin' eyes and buckskin, short hair for a Black Mountain tribe… ridin' behind him on his horse, two eagle feathers on her headband just like a brave.
Now, I don't speak the lingo, if 'n you follow, but Ruh-kya must mean 'don't take NO shit' in Apache, 'cause that tiny thing done busted up the asses of e'vy towny that looked at her sideways, crossways or downways. Damndest girl y'ever did see… an pard, could she throw a knife! HELLfire!
Yeah, yeah, I'm'a gettin' to that! Look, fine, you want to tell the story? 'Cause, I'll just go home, tu comprende, hombre? No? Yes, another'd go down right smart, there…
I hear you, bud, that's fine. So anywho, the Kid and his Princess done left town and started travelin' all over the territories. Don't know where he learned to throw leather but he done learned better'n anybody we heard tell of 'cross the Territories. The Fargo drovers and the cattlemen, from the visitin' judge and the marshall and from whatever broadsheet that'd float into town on the shimmerin' air of the griddle we call home… they all told stories about our Kid…
Kid Strawberry and his two black Colt Peacemakers, Zam and Getchyou. There's them that say that them pistols are haunted, that a bearded Conquistador–man with shaded eyes appears sometimes in the gunsmoke, and that his iron voice can be heard in every shot. Yeah, funny, ain't it. What I can tell you is, ghost or not, them hoglegs could throw a storm o'lead, soundin' like double–thunderclaps in front of the Kid's icy an' unblinkin' eyes.
Oh, more McGregor? Why, don't mind if'n I do, pard. Thankee.
guuuuulp
A long, tall shadow fell over the Hollow Men, the biggest gang in the territories… wherever they met, the Kid ripped them a new poophole! An', pard, he done for a whole passel of 'em. Like, up near Tucson– town, he got bushwacked at the livery. Twenty o' them 'gainst just the Kid and the Princess… and none of the Hollows survived. One stable– hand watched the whole thing from beneath a hay–pile, he said that the Kid was just a blur, that he seemed to be in two places at once and all the time his big Colts were 'a singin' and flamin'so that the shadows of the dyin' men seemed to be jitterin' on the knotholed walls of the livery, like they was at the harvest dance. Blood e'vywhere… Ruh–kya done told fer four o' em. That boy saw her, then he didn't but heard a splash and then another as if someone'd knocked over a pail o' milk after they done RELIEVED the cow, 'ceptin' it weren't no milk… not unless Apache milk's red. Then, two more… she done ripped open the throats o' four men, even as her man was sendin' the rest to the ferryman.
What… ferryman. Yeah, I know who the damn ferryman is. Jesus Christ in an outhouse, what, you think I'm ig'norant? I don't read too well, but ev'body knows the ferryman's in the Bible! Hell, Jesus trucked with fishermen and made some his pards, there had to be a FERRY–man. Damn, why am I talkin' to you, anyway…?
Tucson–town? Well, livery weren't the same after. Building half fell down from all the holes shot into it and seemed like it got a new coat o' red paint. They ripped it up and used the wood for markers. Y'know how they marked the Hollow Men? Since they give up their names, you just plant a slab of wood and then scoop out a hole. Ev'body knows, 'Hollow buried here.'
Allright. So, now let's talk about Dirtnap. All you gots to do is stand up an'look out that dusty window and you can see her proud street and alleys, her busy shops, the apothecary and Doc's office and Urahara's Dry Goods Emporium… yeah, that ringin' bell is the schoolhouse at the other end of town, Miss Orihime must be callin' the kids back from their lunch. Now, that woman is a CATCH, smart and purty and nice as all–get–out. And, she's got that huge…McGregor? Oh, yeah, thanks, pard.
So, after years o' ridin' and rilin', the Kid came back to Dirtnap. Seemed like he was a'goin' ta take his ease, mayhap raise some horses or try a hand at cattle… he and his Pa and evy'one raised a house near town where he and his Princess could live. Ruh-kya's kin came down from the Black Mountain to bless their home. Big Chief Sado, strongest man, Apache or white, that I never seen, he done brought an entire peace–party into town, includin' his squaw Tatsuki and the weird medicine man for the tribe, Kinta–see Four-Eye. For a while there, things were mighty fine.
Here's a toast, then, let's raise a glass of this bea–UTIFUL likker to them good days, them fine times o' dancin' and talkin' and bein' with friends. Them wonderful, graceful prayer–rites of Ruh–kya's tribe and their stories of the soul and spirit and courage… and the Kid's chance to take them death–dealin' shootin' irons and fold them away and start livin' by Gospel chapter and verse… well, here's to that!
gulp, gulp, gulp
Then, THEY came.
spit
The Hollow Men. Led by their big Boss, Captain Hazen and his ramrodders, Bandido Ichimaru and Lousy Tousen, they came down like soulless locusts on a plague to end all plagues. Hundreds of the bastards, all lookin' to even the score.
I won't tell you 'bout the hurtin' they put on poor little Dirtnap, here. The sherrif, ol' Don Kay, he done skedaddled out to New Mexico to save his thin – shanked hide. No one to fight the Hollows, who came a' lookin' for the Kid. So they burned and wrecked and looted and hurt the town… and the people…
And then, the Kid, he'd had enough…
He done strapped on them Peacemakers and… ah–Hem!
Aahrm. Erm. Tell you what, there, pard… this part o' the story gets kind o' long. Why'nt you buy a bottle o' that fine McGregor to help, ah, lubi–kate the tellin'?
End, Part I