A/N: Most of my interactions and teachings were taken from Tibetan Buddhism. In no way is this fic a clear representation.
1
Katara felt surreal. It had been a little under a year and half when he politely asked her to stay out of his life, but yesterday he had called wishing to see her. So, now she was driving over two hours away to a monastery deep in the mountains.
Thinking back on the day he turned her away, his words echoed in her head-his voice oddly stoic over the phone. He said that their relationship was a distraction and it left him feeling too conflicted to focus on his path. That night, she wept. And she wept the nights, weeks, and months after his rejection, but she couldn't blame him.
He sought to be spiritually awakened, to be liberated-to find the enlightenment that eluded most, but she was a restriction, an earthly tether to his freedom.
The moment they met, she tied a rope around his ankle, inhibiting his ability to soar. But neither of them knew at the time. They were far too young: he was twelve and she was fourteen.
Yet he gave her wings, gave her hope for a better future-a future where being motherless didn't define her. Dressed in yellow and orange robes like a spirit from another era, he comforted her when she felt hopeless, listened to her when everyone became deaf at her voice. For the first time in forever, someone noticed her for Katara so she hugged him so tight, so tight that he couldn't breathe. The world couldn't all be bad when his existence promised that there was still good in world.
That was the start of their friendship. They wrote letters, e-mails, and called each other as often as they could. He consoled her when she was left heartbroken by ex-boyfriends or when being a normal teenage kid got too tough. She provided him a second home with her family so he wouldn't feel so alone in the world when the other boys his age went home during holidays. Despite that she wasn't actually a Buddhist, in the summers, she would come for a spiritual retreat to learn more about herself and their friendship only bloomed more beautifully. He told her in secret once that while he was taught to not to show favoritism towards any of the seasons, summer and winter were always his favorites.
Days before he severed their friendship, she had time to finally visit him. The last time she saw him was three months prior and both were looking forward to catching up. It started innocently enough, going on a walk to enjoy nature and the surrounding area, but they got lost and trapped in the cave. In the darkness, in the fear, in the otherworldliness, he kissed her. It was brief, the barest of touches on her lips, but it seared her skin.
Even now, she was able to remember the way he felt hot, his heat radiating in the cave like a small fire. They were so close that she could smell the sandalwood smoke that clung to his robes. And all the feelings she tried ignoring for so long lit up that cave. His feelings glimmered in the darkness too, but as she learned, that didn't make everything perfect-because they both knew it wasn't.
As the familiar and old monastery walls came into view, Katara took deep breaths to calm herself. His call had worried her, but at the same time, the prospect at seeing him again did little for her nerves. Their relationship was so complicated now, confusing and overwhelming. She parked the car in a dirt lot near the entrance and got out quickly, afraid that she would run away if she had time to rethink seeing him again.
Marching forward inside, she was pleasantly surprised when reacquainted by the simple beauty of the monastery. The buildings were humbly built with wood surrounded by bright green trees. Flowers lined the walkways of different colors of yellows, reds, and whites. Though it was very quiet, it was peaceful rather than foreboding. At her attempts at erasing so much history, she must have erased this too.
"Katara, is that you, dear?"
Katara whirled around to see Abbot Gyatso standing in a doorway, a curious look upon his wrinkled face. She swallowed thick, "Yes."
He motioned for her to come up on the raised walkway. She nodded and took off her shoes before stepping onto the wood. She bowed her head slightly, somewhat in shame that it had been so long, and in part that she greatly respected the man in front of her.
She heard his footsteps creak on the floorboards and felt his hands grasp her face. Every so gently, he bumped his forehead with hers and she couldn't help but return the warm smile that he wore.
Embracing her in a quick, but grandfatherly hug, his smile never faded, "It's been far too long, my dear. Are you well?"
Katara's grin couldn't fade either, "Yes, Abbot. I'm doing well. I actually graduated from university last year."
"Yes, I remember. Your Gran-Gran sent us an announcement."
She chuckled, "I feel like Gran-Gran sent them to everyone. But, I'm doing a great internship in one of the big hospitals in the city."
He looked her shoulder and his face became slightly somber, but he remained cheerful, "You'll have to tell me about it another time. It seems like there is someone waiting for you."
She peeked over her shoulder to see that Aang was walking towards her. Snapping her gaze back, she tried her best to keep her heart calm and not have her anxieties become transparent on her face. Abbot Gyatso gave her a reassuring nod before walking away, intending to give them some privacy.
Taking a deep breath, Katara turned around. For the first time, in under a year and a half, she was finally face-to-face with Aang.
"You look well," she started, her mouth dry. He wore the traditional yellow, red, and orange robes of a novice monk, but he seemed much older than she remembered. His shoulders were a bit boarder, his jaw more defined, and he was most definitely taller.
He nodded and replied in an even tone, "Thank you. So do you." In what used to be a joyous greeting filled with hugs and laughter, was now distant and formal. He gestured for her to follow him. They walked in silence, creaking floorboards sounding extra loud in the tension.
After a few moments, Aang spoke up, "Would you like any tea?"
"Sure, that sounds good," she said. Looking at him briefly, she pointed to gardens to the side of them, "I'll go find a bench under a shady tree for us then."
As she was turning, her foot slipped as it was sweating from nervousness. While she braced herself to smack the wood, she never fell.
Aang grabbed her by the waist, but steadied her quickly, "Be more careful, okay? I'll be right back." With that, she was left alone.
Her heart was still beating erratically in her chest. While he was out of view, she noticed that she could still run away. What did he have to say that was so important now? Was he going to apologize for hurting her? Sighing, Katara knew that running away would not change the past. She might as well stay and listen to whatever he wanted to say. Despite everything, he was still very dear to her heart.
It wasn't too long after she found a spot under a nice shady maple tree that he found her, carrying a teapot and two cups.
"The benches are nice. Are they new?"
As he was settling himself on the bench, the simple cups tinged on the wooden surface. "A bit new. A few were donated, but I built most of them with some high school volunteers in the winter."
He handed her a cup of hot tea. It smelled liked roses: her favorite. She smiled slightly as she blew the steam away, "They must had been shocked when they saw you. Thought you'd be some old guy."
Aang let out a dry laugh, "Yeah. Couldn't believe someone close to their age would ever choose this life." The weight of his word hung in the air, the subtext very clear. The tension that was with them on the walkway creeped into the silence under the maple tree. There was no escape and he couldn't avoid why he called her here for much longer. They both knew it.
"So," she began as she sipped her tea, "what do you need to talk about?"
He left his cup untouched, but instead had his eyes focused intensely on a small pebble. After a few moments, he spoke up, his voice low, "In a few days, I'm going to be ordained as a full monk."
Her heart sank deep inside her chest, feeling like it was breaking all over again. "Congrats," she managed a weak smile, "You've worked very hard for this."
He nodded, "Yeah, I have. Thanks."
Though they only sat a few inches apart, it felt like miles were between them.
"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"
She furrowed her brows defensively, "Is that why you asked me here? Thinking that I would try to stop you?" She could feel her voice getting progressively louder.
"What? No! Of course not!" He answered. "I just wanted to see you."
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Katara slumped where she sat, "Why do you have to do that?
He looked at her inquisitively, "Do what?"
Sighing, she let her arms fall to her sides, "Be you." Before he could ask any more questions, she continued, "As for your question, it doesn't matter what I think."
He protested, "Katara, that's not true."
Katara turned and looked at him. Staring at him, she was surprised by how much had changed between them. Also, how obvious that they were no longer children, but adults. It still all felt surreal. "No, Aang. It doesn't. Not about this." She jabbed a finger at his chest, over his heart, "This is about you and your life and what you think is right.
"Whatever," she paused, to mull the words over in her mouth, "whatever you choose to do, just know that I will support you, okay?"
But much like a child, he vulnerably asked, "Promise?"
Her lips twitched, "Of course. We'll always- always be friends."
"Yeah," he breathed, "I'm glad."
She nodded her head, "Me too."
This time as silence crept over them, it wasn't as uncomfortable as before. Though her heart still hurt and ached, what mattered most was that he was happy. And being in a relationship with her was not part of his criteria for happiness, it seemed. After some time, Katara stood and brush her hands on her jeans, "Well, I think its about time I head out."
"Yeah, you have a bit of drive, huh? I'll walk you to your car."
She held up her hand, "There's no need, I want to walk around for bit before I go." She pointed to her legs, "Stretch my legs and all."
"Are you sure?"
She smiled, "Yeah, I'm sure. Just call me after the ceremony, okay? I want to know how it goes."
Aang nodded and smiled back, "Of course. I promise."
She gave him a quick hug as a goodbye and started walking towards her car, but then he called after her. She turned around, seeing him look nervous, "Yes?"
His grey eyes seemed bright and his voice was gentle, "I was really happy that time, you know?"
Her breath caught, but she nodded her, "I know."
"Okay. I just wanted you to know."
Tears began to prick at her eyes, "I do. Thank you," she whispered.
Once she was alone in her car, she broke down. Each sob she heaved reaffirmed that no matter how she loved him, it wasn't meant to be.
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