My Little Stoner

Chapter 1: Veni

Victor was taking a peaceful walk through the forest, basking in the peace and solitude. He loved it out here; the trees were tall with thick canopies of leaves, perfect for hiding his "garden", the plants were large and lush, also perfect for hiding his "garden", and the animals were dangerous and feral, perfect for keeping people away from his "garden". In case you couldn't figure it out, he loved his "garden". Also, in case you missed the apostrophes, it wasn't a normal garden. No, it was a special garden. Full of the wonderful ambrosia that is marijuana. Each plant was spaced somewhat widely apart to allow the leaves to grow lusher while keeping the plant's height relatively short. This allowed more leaves to be harvested with less stem to get in the way.

The path from his house just outside the forest to his garden was pretty damned long and kind of dangerous. First, he had to get through an extremely thick area of forest (no big deal, right?), and then go over an unstable rope bridge roughly swinging above a very high canyon sort of thingy. Yes, thingy. Because it isn't a valley or a canyon. It's kind of a cross between the two. There was a river at the bottom, but he doubted that would break his fall. If he lost his balance, he would die. Simple as that.

But he always made it across to the part of the forest thick with predators. Most of them learned not to mess with him after he killed 13 or so wolves and a few bobcats. However, there was the occasional starving animal desperate enough to try. He almost felt bad for them, you know? But then he slit their throats and forgot about it. Finally, after a good hour and a half of walking, he would come to his garden, which was his current destination. As he moved the last few leaves aside, he saw something he had always hoped he would never in his life have to see.

"Fuck me," he said to himself as he watched his plants get ripped from the ground and thrown onto a pile to be burned. Apparently, the local police force had managed to find his garden. There were about 17 of them, 10 tearing his long hours of work from the ground, and 7 watching for the owner to come by. Luckily, he hadn't been spotted yet. "What the fuck, man?" he whispered quietly. "What is their problem with weed? If they'd fucking try it I bet they wouldn't be doing this..." he wanted to salvage at least some of his work, so he looked around for something that might help him. He saw a rock that was almost the size of a tennis ball and picked it up. "I guess mom was wrong about Far Cry 3 and all of my other games being 'useless for you later in life.' I wonder what she would say now!" he whispered loudly.

…

…

…

"Probably 'why the hell are you growing weed' or 'get a real job'…" he rolled his eyes as he threw the rock as hard as he could across the small field. It landed not too far from an officer that was keeping watch. He yelled for them all to come over there. Every fucking one of them ran over there like Megatron was about to jump out of the bushes and esplode them (that isn't a typo). They quickly pointed their guns at every bush and tree in that general vicinity, giving him the chance to dart in and grab some of his weed.

Just as he was dashing silently back to the trees, an officer turned around very inconveniently and spotted him. "THERE HE IS! SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM!"

"SERIOUSLY?!" Victor yelled back as he dashed into the trees, barely managing to keep from having his brains splattered on one of the nearby trees. As he ran, he noticed something. A smell… and smoke… fuck… "They're burning my weed. That's not cool, man," he said as if he wasn't running for his life. While running, he made a decision. If I'm going to get caught, I might as well be high…

So he stopped running, tossed the weed on the ground, lit a match, and burned it, breathing it in. You know, because fuck logic and this is a time for shit to burn fast. If this was his last time with this fucking ambrosia, he was going to enjoy it and get as much as he could. He breathed in the smoke from the burning plants, relishing in the smell, the feeling, the hallucinations, and everything else it had to offer. Wait… hallucinations? Why were there hallucinations? Marijuana doesn't do that. Not unless… "Motherfuckers." He suddenly knew who tipped off the police and why they were shooting at him rather than trying to arrest him. "Travis, you sonofabitch."

Travis was another "farmer" in this area. What? You think having two "farmers" in the same place with the same customers is a bad idea? Yeah, well it is. "So the bastard laced my shit with LSD and tipped off the cops. What the hell morons, nobody laces it before they even finish growing it!" he yelled. "Dumbass police…"After a few minutes, he heard the cops catching up to him. Apparently, they had seen the smoke. He breathed deeply one last time before slowly walking away.

He came to the rope bridge, still swaying as harshly as ever, and began to walk calmly across. The cops came out of the forest and began shooting at him. He didn't care though. For several reasons. The first was that he had accepted his fate. The second was that he was high as all fuck. And the last? Well, these guys were horrible shots. But they did manage to accidentally shoot the ropes holding the bridge up. Victor felt his stomach lurch into his mouth as he fell. He laughed. He couldn't help it. The feeling kind of tickled. So, as he fell to his death, he laughed, because he honestly couldn't care less about anything else.

He felt himself plunge into the icy water.

But something was off…

What was it?

He could feel something wrong with all of this…..

OH! He was alive! And still falling? Falling fast, too. And there wasn't any water there anymore. Or much of anything, for that matter. Other than random blurs. He assumed the weed/LSD had decided to give him one last chance to feel its sweetness before he died. He looked down to see a lot of colors. Like, more colors than he was pretty sure existed. What? All colors exist! Hehehe… Silly brain…

"Weeeeeeeee!" he cried as he fell further and further. Then he stopped. "Awwwww." He was in a forest. And it was very familiar… He looked behind him. "Hey, there's the rope bridge… but it's okay…" Sure enough, right there in front of him was the rope bridge from his home. But something was off… It was way too foggy here… His bridge never got foggy… He decided it wouldn't be a good idea to cross and just turned the other way, walking to what he hoped wouldn't be more cops. But then he realized something. He was walking on all fours. And he didn't have hands. Or feet. But he did have hooves. "Duuuude. I am so fucking high!" he exclaimed as he quickly figured out how to walk properly in his new body. He didn't care to figure much else out. He was high. Nothing much mattered.

As he walked, he saw a lot of things that looked very different, yet also strangely similar. Like all the trees. They had mean faces on them, but the path looked the same. He wondered what predators he'd see this time. There was usually at least one wolf that stared at him through the bushes.

He came to a river with a sea serpent in it. Strange thing is, this thing had a moustache. Oh, and he didn't remember any rivers in his forest. It looked at him and said "Oh, hello there! Would you like to cross? I can help, if you want!"

Polite fucking sea-serpent. Being high is awesome. "Yeah man, thanks," he told the aquatic monster as it picked him up and put him on the other side. "By the way, that's an awesome moustache."

"Oh, you are very welcome, and thank you s~o much for the compliment! I love my moustache," The serpent told him, gently stroking it like it was another sea-serpent guy's di- NO. NO GAY PORN IMAGES IN MY BRAIN, thank you very much., Victor thought. He wanted to extricate himself from this conversation before he was forced to stand here for an hour talking about some moustache, so he just said goodbye and left.

Suddenly, he heard a scream. "A MANTICORE!" It sounded like a girl or something like that. Then there was a loud roar. He began running to the source of the noise. A girl's scream and then a loud roar are never good, and it didn't matter how high he was, he had to help people. Yeah, he was weird like that. He got some form of satisfaction with himself for helping people out. Call him a pussy if you like. A lot of people did.

As he approached the source of the noise, he saw some fucked up lion/scorpion/other-shit/demon thing with wings attempting to kill a pegasus, two unicorns, and regular ponies. Another pegasus was standing out of the way trying to tell everyone to wait, to no avail. They were too intent on beating the shit out of this thing. He ran in, but before he made it very far, the yellow pegasus with the pink mane finally yelled out "WAIT!" He stopped in his tracks, as did the rest of them. She walked up to the beast and, after some dialogue he couldn't quite hear, pulled a massive thorn out of his foot.

"Shit, if I had a thorn that big in my foot, I'd be pissed off too," he mumbled to himself. The strange demon-spawn licked the adorable pegasus before walking off. He approached the group of ponies, not at all surprised. Marijuana will do this sort of thing to you. There were 6 in total, 2 pegasi, 2 unicorns, and 2 regular ponies. The pegasus that hadn't just saved all of their lives was cyan with a rainbow mane and tale. Nice! My favorite color is rainbow! One unicorn was lavender with a purple mane and tale, which each had a pink stripe running through them. The other was white with a styled mane and tale, both purple. As for the normal ponies, one was pink. Just pink. Her coat was a lighter shade than her mane. But it was quite a bit of pink. The other was sort of an orange color with a yellow mane and tale and… OH MY GOD A COWBOY HAT. I WANT ONE SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I'M A FUCKING COWBOY BITCHES! "Hey, what's up?" he asked them.

"What's up? Do you know where we are?" the lavender one asked him.

"Uh, no, no I don't believe I do, no. Could you tell me?"

"YOU'RE IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!" the pink one yelled enthusiastically, appearing above his head. Fuck yeah, weed. "IT'S FULL OF BIG BAD MONSTERS THAT WANT TO EAT YOU! Hahahahaha!"

"Really? Awesome! I love monsters!" Victor yelled almost as enthusiastically, jumping into the air… and staying there. "Wha? Oh, hey, look at that! I can fly!" He looked back and saw his wings that he didn't know he had flapping. He looked at himself then. His coat was dark grey and his mane was midnight blue. He also had Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon logo on his ass-flank-thing. It was very fitting, seeing how he listened to Pink Floyd every time he got high. Because Pink Floyd is awesome. "Pink Floyd… Comfortably Numb… hell yeah…"

"Um, sir? You should probably leave before you get yourself hurt in here," the lavender unicorn said to him.

"Leave? Pft, nah. I'll just come with you guys. You didn't seem to be handling that spitfuck-demon-thing very well until she stepped in-" he pointed to the adorable yellow pegasus,"-so… yeah. And I have nothing better to do."

"Well, this is actually kind of a private matter that has to do with saving the world from eternal night," she told him.

"Okay, I already said I wanted to come, you don't have to convince me," he told her, giving a goofy smile. "By the way, I'm Victor. Who are you all?"

"I am Twilight Sparkle."

"Ah'm Applejack."

"The name's Rainbow Dash!"

"My name is Rarity."

"I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"Flu…" the adorable pony trailed off before she finished her name. She was insanely shy. It was FUCKING ADORABLE.

"What was that, miss?" he asked her in a very kind, quiet voice.

"Um… m-my name is Fluttershy…"

Makes sense, I suppose. It's a cool name though, he thought. "I like that name," he told her, making her blush. "So, where are we supposed to go to save the world?"

"Well, you should go back to town, but we have to go deeper into the forest," Twilight Sparkle told him.

"Twilight Sparkle, I don't think you know who you're talking to. I am fucking Jesus incarnate! I have saved the world hundreds of times from thousands of disasters! Many call me a Messiah, others a Champion! Some call me a Warrior, and some, a Hero! I saved the Wastes from the horrors of the Enclave and the Legion! I saved Skyrim from the return of Alduin, the evil dragon, devourer of worlds, and Cyrodiil from Mehrunes Dagon, the Daedric Prince of Destruction! I saved Rook Island from evil pirates and became a true Warrior! I defended Ferelden from the Darkspawn scourge! I became King of Albion and saved it from the Darkness that wished to destroy the land! I protected the world from the Templars who wished to destroy it! I assassinated the Lord Regent when he killed the Empress and framed me for her murder, then put Princess Emily Kaldwin on the throne! I am the true savior of all that is good! AND I AM MAKING ALL OF THIS UP! I actually did all of that in video games… I have no life… dammit…" Victor was now sulking in a bush.

"Oh… okay… girls, we should go," Twilight told the rest of the group.

"NOT. WITHOUT. ME."

"Ugh! You can't come with us!" she yelled at him.

"*sniff* W-why are you yelling at me?" he asked, pretending to start crying. Twilight frowned and stared. As he fake-cried, her resolve broke down more and more.

"… Fine, you can come."

"Fuck yeah! Kick-ass! Orangutan! Bacon! I love bacon so much. Bacon is delicious. Like, almost peach soda delicious. I like grapes," he started smiling awkwardly and staring off into space.

"Hm. He reminds me of Derpy," Rainbow Dash said to nobody in particular.

"… We really need to get moving," Twilight told them, walking down the path Victor just came from.

"Hey, there's a possibly gay sea/river monster-serpent-thingy down there that may or may not dislike me in a way that will make it awkward for me to see him again and may or may not start a long conversation about his moustache, which is honestly a pretty nice moustache," Victor warned, following her with the other ponies following behind. (A/N: I never said gay was a bad thing. Don't take it that way if I ever make a gay joke. Also, I don't really care about races, so if I ever make a racist joke, I mean nothing by it. It's just a joke.)

He was ignored as they all walked down to the river he just came from. When they walked down to the river, they saw the possibly gay sea/river monster-serpent-thingy thrashing around in the water, crying and yelling about his moustache. Victor decided this would be a good time to take a nap…

"Sir… sir?"

"Uwah?" Victor said, waking up to see Fluttershy gently shaking him. "Thanks for waking me up. I'm sure Twilight Sparkle wanted to leave me for one of those demon-spawn to eat in my sleep."

"Oh, I don't think she would do that…" Fluttershy said to him quietly and shyly. She's fucking adorable in such a way that made him want to cry and scream like a little schoolgirl.

He stood and looked around. Apparently, Rarity had given the serpent her tail to fix his moustache and, in turn, the serpent made something like a bridge with his body to help them cross. Victor thought it would be awkward to just walk on his body after he just walked off earlier, so he flew over the river. Flying really didn't feel as awkward as he thought it would.

"Oh! There you are! You just walked off earlier like you didn't want to hear about my moustache! I'm sure you had a good reason, so I'll just tell you about it now! I spend over two hours a day bru-"

"I ate a rock and shat butterflies," Victor interrupted him, not wanting to hear his shit.

"…What?"

"I ate a rock. And shat. Butterflies."

"Oh… I've got to go do… something…" the serpent said, diving under the water.

"That's right you do, bitch," Victor said in a deep black man's voice before turning around and going to where the group had walked off to. They were just finishing some song about laughing at trees or something and were laughing on the forest floor. "Hey! What's up? You kind of left me behind."

"Oh… yeah… sorry," Twilight said, seeming irritated.

Victor looked at her. Then he looked at the others. Then he looked at the forest. Then he looked at that guy in the corner of the room staring at you. Also, you should probably call the police or something. He finally realized that he was no longer high and that he should probably be dead. Maybe he was… He got a distant look on his face and continued walking. The 6 ponies followed him, wondering what was wrong.

"Hey, you alright?" Rainbow Dash asked him. He was deep in thought and didn't hear her, so he kept walking. They came to the bridge he had been at before. A few seconds later, he realized where they were and came out of his trance. Rainbow had flown across the bridge alone to tie the ropes on the other side and fix the bridge.

Those assholes fucked up the bridge and burned my weed. Fuck them, he thought. Then, a thick fog descended upon both sides of the bridge. Is that the smoke from my weed?! He began breathing deeply, hoping he could get high, but he realised that it was just fog. Well shit. Eh, I'll find more somewhere.

The fog began to clear, revealing some ruins and Rainbow Dash waiting for the group on the other side, the bridge fixed. The ponies without wings walked over the bridge. Fluttershy tried to fly over, but got scared and decided to walk. Victor was already across the bridge and wondering where the fuck his forest went. He went inside the ruins and looked around. There was an altar or something with 5 round stones on it. Twilight and the others walked in after him and did more dialogue stuff that Victor ignored in favor of the grasshopper that was now on his nose. He stared at it intently, determined to see into its soul and find its secrets. While he was doing that, the girls got the stones down from the altar-thingy and put them in front of Twilight. Applejack led the others from the room. All Victor heard was something about concentrating. He wasn't paying much attention to anything aside from the grasshopper on his nose.

Suddenly, the grasshopper evaporated into a bunch of purple smoke. …Maybe I am high… the smoke swirled around through the air, landing in front of Twilight and starting to spin like a tornado around the stones. I don't like this, Victor thought, walking over to Twilight. She noticed the tornado and shouted out before jumping into it. Victor dashed into it after her. Why did I do that? What the fuck, man? He felt a lurching feeling, sort of like a roller coaster going down the first slope. The feeling ended and he realised that they were in a different ruin. There was a large black co- fuck, PONY!- standing in front of Twilight laughing. She had wings and a horn. They can have both? … Giggity. Victor was about to check if he had one, but decided maybe he should pay more attention to the situation at hand. He looked at Twilight to see her getting ready to charge the one he assumed wanted to fuck the world up. That doesn't look like it's gonna end well.

He made a split second decision. It probably wasn't the smartest one he had ever made. He pushed Twilight out of the way and charged this mystery pony himself, lowering his head and pushing himself with his wings to get a boost. Both of the mares were surprised, and Victor got a hit in on the evil pony before she could react, drawing blood from her shoulder. Wait… so, I do have a horn? Fuckin' sweet.

Twilight had somehow managed to get behind the pony that wanted to kill him to the stones from before. Before he could do anything else, she just poofed in front of Twilight and smashed the stones. Twilight looked terrified about what was going to happen next. Victor charged in again, only to be hit by a bolt of lightning. It threw him across the room and he slammed into a wall. He tried to get back up, but couldn't move at all except for a few twitches. So this is what all those Pokèmon felt like. I don't think I'll ever use Thunder Wave again… Yeah I will. Fuck you Articuno.

He could only watch what was going on now. The black pony began some evil rant bullshit that he had heard a million times in games, movies, books, etc. He learned that her name was Nightmare Moon and that she wanted to cover the world in eternal night to take revenge on the sun or something. It made no sense, seeing how half of the world is always going to be lit unless she put the fucking sun OUT, but whatever. Villains, ya know? Like Archie in Pokèmon Sapphire. Flood the world with rain. Moron. Where does the rain come from? The ocean. It's counterproductive.

The other five ponies ran into the room. Twilight started talking about sappy shit that made him fear for his manhood if he stayed much longer, then those five got necklaces and Twilight got a crown. Nightmare Moon looked like she was going to piss herself. Then, the six ponies did some seriously badass magic shit and shot a wave of badass-kill-your-family-and-skin-your-babies rainbow at her. Victor was pretty sure he saw a yellow puddle under her, but that might have been the weird rainbow light. There was a bright flash of light and Victor chose that as a good time to pass out.

Some Amount of Time Later

Victor woke up to see quite a few changes. The room was the same, but now there was a very big white pony and a smaller black pony that looked a lot like Nightmare Moon. The other six were bowing to the white pony. Then there was a heartwarming dialogue about sisters and shit that Victor chose to ignore. He got up to look for another grasshopper. He thought he heard someone say his name, but he ignored that too. He really enjoyed that grasshopper's company, even if it was an evil grasshopper, or pony, or whatever. He heard his name again.

"Victor!" Twilight called for the third time.

"What? Can't you see I'm trying to find a grasshopper to sit on my nose!" he asked.

"That's nice, but you need to meet the princesses first!" she told him. Fuck, it felt like he was living with his mother. 'Don't have fun until you meet this important person that I'm sure you don't give a single shit about!' Pft, royalty. That's the damned reason he moved to the woods with his weed in the first place. Too many royal pains in his ass to stay around.

"Fiiiine…" he whined, walking over and looking at these princesses. They shifted uncomfortably. "It's not you that I hate, just royalty in general. Don't take it personally."

"Don't talk to the princess like that!" Twilight yelled at him

"Sorry, MOM!" Victor yelled back.

"What?"

"You nag and whine just like my mom!"

"Excuse me?! At least I'm not some immature-"

"That's quite enough," the white princess with the sun on her butt told them. Heh, Sunbutt. "I understand your disposition towards royalty, Victor. Most ponies with any nobility act like they're better than everyone else."

"Exactly! Noble has more than one definition. Those asses need to learn that."

"Hey! Don't use that language in front of a PRINCESS!" Twilight jumped back in. Victor simple stuck his tongue out. "Ugh, you are so IMMATURE!"

"Calm down, Twilight," Sunnybutt said to her. "It's okay."

Twilight sighed. "Okay princess."

"Anyway, Victor, I understand you helped Twilight get the Elements of Harmony and save the world."

"Not really. All I did was ram into that Nightmare Moon or whoever she was. It isn't a big deal."

The black pony spoke up. "Yes, I'm sorry about that. I'm Princess Luna. I was Nightmare Moon."

"Oh. Sorry for ramming into you then. I guess." Ha!

"No, don't be. It was my fault. You only did what was necessary to save the world."

"… You know, I have never met anyone royal that I didn't hate until now," Victor said to the two. He thought he saw Luna blush, but it was hard to tell with her color.

"Thank you, Victor," Sunnybutt said. "My name is Princess Celestia."

"So, it's like the sun and moon? You and Luna, I mean."

"Yes. I raise the sun every morning and she raises the moon every night."

"Oh, that's nice. So, ho- wait what?! You raise the sun and moon? How the hell does that work?" Victor's brain was now doing somersaults in his head while Twilight glared at him for using profanity in front of the princesses.

"How do you think? We use magic to make the sun and moon rise and set." Celestia told him.

"What?! But then sun is at the center of the universe! The reason it 'rises' and 'sets' is because of the rotation of the earth! The moon does it because it revolves around the earth! Hell, both can be present in the sky in an area of the world at one time!" Victor was now scared and confused.

"I was trapped on the moon for about 1,000 years, so I learned a lot about it. It's raised with magic, Victor," Luna said.

"Trapped on the- WHAT?! Jesus fuck, am I still high? I'm confused. I need to sleep. Is there somewhere I can sleep? A bed, preferably?" A bunny ran inside the ruins then, being chased by some fucked up chicken snake thing. "What? What? What? What?! I am either dead or higher than I have ever even thought about being in my life." The chicken-snake-demon started pecking and biting the chicken.

"Angel!" Fluttershy yelled. She looked terrified of that demon thing, so Victor walked over and kicked it in the face.

"Bad chicken-demon! Don't eat bunnies!" He liked bunnies… The fucker looked at Victor. He saw its eyes glow red and couldn't move his back legs. He looked back to see himself being encased in stone… so he kicked it in the face with his front legs this time. The stone just kind of went away. "Don't turn people to stone either! That's bad!" Victor decided that he did NOT like this forest and wanted to leave immediately.

"Um, sir? Could you please stop kicking the cockatrice?" Fluttershy asked him. He immediately hated himself and everything he had done his entire life and wanted to bow at her feet (er, hooves) and beg forgiveness for the sin of displeasing her. So he did. "Oh, don't apologize. It's okay. You just wanted to save Angel, and I'm glad you did. I just don't like seeing any animals get hurt."

That reminded him of somebody he really didn't want to remember right now. "I'm so sorry," he said to her and the cockatrice. One look and a sad voice from her could make an entire barbarian army stop charging and start crying and hoping the gods wouldn't smite them all for making her sad. Angel hopped over and stuck his tongue out at the cockatrice. After about 10 minutes Fluttershy managed to make the cockatrice calm down. It probably would've taken longer, but she… looked at it… or something… it looked like it wanted to shit itself. How can something so adorable make a demon nearly shit itself? That is true terror. Fuck, I'm done with this forest. "Hey, could we get out of this forest? I don't like it. At all. Like, I would be ecstatic about burning it straight to the ground and slaughtering every demon in it," he whispered the last part so that Fluttershy, who was a bit further away from everyone talking to Angel, wouldn't hear him.

"Yeah, I guess we should. Come on, let's go," Twilight said, walking to the exit, everypony following behind.

"Hey, what if we see another pissed off Manticore and it won't listen to Fluttershy?" he asked nobody in particular.

Celestia answered. "Luna and I are quite powerful. I don't think a Manticore would decide to attack us."

"Uh-huh. Alright then. So, theoretically, if one were to attack us, what would happen?"

Luna answered this time. "Well, we would have to defend ourselves and our subjects."

"So, you'd use your badass sun/moon magic shit to obliterate it?"

"… Yes."

"Sweet."

"Victor, you are so weird," Rainbow Dash told him. "In a good way though. I think…"

"I get that a lot. Not the good way part, though."

Pinkie Pie had been swimming in the ground up until now. She jumped up in Victor's face. "OHMYGOSH I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!" Pinkie screamed, scaring the hell out of them all.

"Ah! What?" Victor asked with a little bit less hearing ability than he had prior to this conversation.

"I have to throw you a PARTY! There'll be cake and balloons and presents and lots and lots of PONIES!"

"Oh shit… I don't like parties." He wasn't very sociable. You know, in case you hadn't noticed. I actually think I said this earlier… eh, I don't remember, or feel like checking. "Waitwaitwait, will there be weed?" he asked.

"Well, there'll be flowers and grass. Is that good?" she asked.

He sighed. "That's not what I-"

She interrupted him. "OH! You mean THAT weed! Yeah, I have plenty of that! Tons!"

He started drooling slightly. "Is it good quality?"

"Oh yeah, it's good. I'll give you some as a gift!" she told him.

"I am a happy person. Or pony, whatever I am now." He said as they finally made it out of the forest.

"What does that mean?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, I'm a human." Celestia and Luna perked up at this. "I think I died or something and now I'm here. Or maybe I've achieved a permanent high. I don't know. Something."

"You said you're a human?" Celestia asked.

"Yup. Not proud of it, to be honest. Humans suck." The princesses giggled and blushed at this. "… What? What was funny about that?"

"Oh, nothing. Just remembering some things from a bit over a thousand years ago." Luna told him.

"Were there humans here then? And why is it funny?" he asked. FUCK, WHY ARE PEOPLE SO CONFUSING! This is why I hate socializing.

"Yeah, there were humans. Those were fun times…" Celestia told him.

"But princess, I've never found anything about humans in any books I've read." Twilight said, joining the conversation. Pinkie was gone. Just gone. Nobody saw her leave. Victor was pretty sure she just disappeared.

"Well, that's because not many people knew about the humans that were here. The few that did, well… they didn't want to share…" Celestia told them, the two giggling again.

"What are you talking about?" Victor asked. He then realised something horrifying. "Oh my god DID YOU EAT THEM?!" he yelled loudly.

"No Victor, nopony would ever eat another living being, especially not a human! They were too amazing for that."

"So… what did you do with them?" he asked tentatively.

Celestia leaned in and whispered in his ear. "Dirty things."

"Oh. O-ho-hokay. Well… that's very… um… interesting…" Victor was now quite uncomfortable. Humans having sex with ponies? That didn't seem right. I am one open-minded son of a bitch, but that's going a little too far. I'll try almost anything once, but dammit, I don't know about this.

"What? What is it?" Twilight asked. She looked like if she didn't find out within the next 6 seconds, she would turn inside-out and explode.

"Oh, nothing," Luna told her.

"Pleasepleasepleasepleeeaaassse tell me!" she begged.

She'll regret asking that, Victor thought.

"Okay Twilight. We would have sex with them," she stated bluntly. Everyone present, aside from the one who had already heard it and the two that had been alive back then, immediately stopped walking and looked at the princesses and Victor.

"Uh, what was that Princess?" Applejack asked.

"We. Had. Sex. With. Them," she said again.

"Oh…"

"MOVING ALONG!" Victor shouted and began walking. He could see the town that he assumed they were headed to from here, so he walked far ahead of the group. After about 5 minutes he made it there. There was nobody anywhere. It looked like a ghost town. Victor walked through the town, looking around for somewhere he could eat. The first place he found was called Sugarcube Corner. He walked inside. It was really dark. He heard something move behind him and turned to face it.

The lights came on and every pony in the town jumped out from behind whatever they happened to be hiding behind and shouted "SURPRISE!" Victor, being the semi-timid person he was, jumped a few feet in the air and flew the rest of the way to the ceiling, which he slammed his head into. He then fell back to the floor and stood up shakily. Pinkie Pie jumped in front of him.

"Do you like your party?" she asked.

"What? You already threw me a party? How did you get everything set up so fast?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie, silly!" she told him, bouncing off to eat cake. He then remembered the weed and started looking for the presents. Because what's a welcoming party without presents? He ran into seemingly every single pony there, who all greeted him and had short conversations. By the time he reached the table with the gifts, he knew them all by name and was pretty sure a few hours had passed.

I walked 30 fucking feet… he thought, looking for whatever might contain his magic plant. Seeing how there were very few boxes, likely all from Pinkie Pie, it wasn't hard to find. He saw a large box with a marijuana leaf painted on the top and figured it had his weed. If so, he was set for a few weeks. Or a few days. It just depended on how bored or sad or happy or angry he got. All of those were perfectly good excuses for weed. He opened the box and looked inside to see more weed than he could have gotten from his garden in two harvests, and it was packaged perfectly, AND there was even the paper to roll it in. I love this place, he thought to himself, grabbing a pack and a piece of paper from the box, quickly making a joint. He looked for a lighter or something, but couldn't find one, so he used the candles on the cake. He put it to his mouth and took a deep breath.

About five minutes later, he had found a guitar and was playing "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd while many ponies wondered what was wrong with him and a few joined in getting stoned. Namely, Lyra Heartstrings, Pinkie Pie, and Derpy Hooves. Sadly, a pony named Bon Bon took Lyra, Twilight took Pinkie, and some brown pony with an hourglass for his ass-tat whose name he didn't catch took Derpy. This made him sad, so he walked over to them and started a stoned conversation with them about why they should let stoners get stoned together, but then got on the subject of peach soda, then started talking about some unicorn named Charlie, and frankly, nobody could follow along with what he was saying. In the end, he decided eating 17 cupcakes, drinking 23 cups of peach juice, and passing out on the stairs would be an acceptable course of action.

ASDF

You cannot change what you refuse to confront.