Sometimes I think that when fate was handed my life to direct, it laughed at first. You know, like when someone approaches you with an outrageous idea, and you laugh at first because you know they can't be serious…but then after a few moments of laughter, you look at the face staring back you, and it strikes no emotion and you realize that you're the only one laughing. That's how I feel. When I think about my circumstances…. I at first think to myself…this isn't really happening..it must be some kind of joke.. but then the days grow into weeks, and then the weeks grow into months, and months into years and I'm still here all alone.
Noone can get through these walls that I've built for myself….and I intend for it to stay that way. You see, the only reason my mom, if that's what you want to call her, keeps me around is so that she can get a little break on her tax returns. Pathetic I know, but I guess that's happens when you're mom is a greedy whore. When I was 9, she told me that I was responsible for getting my own food. She said that life is unfair and that I better get used to it. So everyday at school during lunch, I had an empty potato chip bag and I'd fake that I was eating from it(it was pretty easy since no one realized I existed anyway) and I would wait until all the kids went outside to play. When I knew everyone was gone, I'd sort through the trashcans to find scraps or food that kids threw away because they didn't want it…apparently not a lot of kids like bologna…and sometimes I'd be lucky and find whole fruits and containers of pasta. One time I found an unopened pack or starburst.
…that was a good day.
It got a little easier when I turned 11. I found a rake in the basement that June…I don't even think my mom knows what a rake is, let alone know what it's used for. So I took it upstairs to my room and hid it in my closet. When September rolled around, I went knocking from door to door asking people is they would like for me to rake their lawn for 2. I actually found a couple clients..if that's what you want to call them…and at the end of the week I had 24. You can sure as hell bet that the first thing I did with that money was walking myself down to a McDonalds and buying myself a BigMac Value Meal…supersized.
…that was the best day of my life.
It pretty much stayed the same every week. Over time though I had this one customer in particular that stood out from the others. The guys name was Larry..and for some reason he took a liking to me. He would every now a then slip me a 10 tip and smile saying "Nice work" I wasn't used to people saying nice things to me. Larry also had a daughter. I've only seen her a couple times. Once I caught her writing or drawing something on the porch. Another time I swear I saw her looking at me through the window. Whatever, people stare at me all the time..its just soething you get used to. That girl is probably just as crazy as her father anyway. Oh, did I tell you Larry even came up with a nickname for me? "Rakeboy." I'll admit that when I first heard it, I wasn't fond of it. I was kinda insulted actually…but after a while, it grew on me. I realized I don't mind it, because it means that someone took the time to call me something different other than "bastard."
I don't know my father, but I guess I have him to thank for my life. I've heard my mom talk to some of her friends on the phone saying things like, "I am so pissed I listened to Dan…why?…because if it weren't for him I would've gone through with that flippin abortion…" "Dan" as my mom like to call him apparently died in a car accident…ironically one he got into when my mom went into labor with me. Sometimes I like to dream or what he looked like. My mom burned all the pictures she had of him when she came home from the hospital with me. Part of her "Good Riddance Ritual" she says. I imagine what my life would've been like if I had a dad. Maybe he would've cared about me…or at least feed me.
Right now I'm 14 and beginning my freshman year of high school. I landscape for money. I saved up money I made raking leaves and bought a lawn mower so I could at least have a job year round. Since I don't have money for a car, it's about the only job that was available for me. I hear a lot of kids are supposed to be scared of their first year of high school, but after what I've been through, high school is a joke. Yesterday when I sitting eating my lunch (not faking it mind you) I saw that girl…Larry's daughter. She was walking with some brunette girl. I don't think she saw me.
Today is the same old same old. I'm sitting outside on what the call "the quad." Stupid name if you ask me…I pull a book out of my book bag. T.S. Eliot. I bought it a thrift store for a quarter. All of a sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder.
"Nice book you got there. I didn't know you were into literature" said the voice
I turned around a low and behold it's larry's daughter. She's a lot prettier then I remember.
"Yeah" I say shyly, not looking her in they eyes. Why is she talking to me?
"I read his stuff last year." She stated
"Really?" I didn't know anyone else knew who T.S. Eliot was….
"Mind if I sit down?" She asked
"It's a free country" I say confused
"So you work for my dad, right?" She asks
"Yeah..I guess I do."
"He talks about you all the time"
"Really…why?" Noone talks about me. Ever. People don't even talk crap on me…it's always been that I'm not even worth wasting a breath on.
"He always talks about how great of a job you do is all"
I nodded my head. It felt good to know I at least mattered in a way to someone.
"My name's Peyton by the way"
"Hi. I'm Lucas"
"Well, I gotta go. It was nice meeting you Lucas."
"Nice Meeting you too."
Peyton got up and walked away, rejoining the brunette girl.
What the hell what that about? I think to myself. Confused, I shrug it off and continue to eat my sandwich
All of a sudden I hear the brunette say to Peyton "Ew what were you doing? Talking to that dude is like, committing social suicide."
Then I heard her say "Relax, I was just being nice."
Just as quickly as my hopes came rising up that I somewhat mattered in this world, they just as fast came crashing down. This is why I don't let ANYONE in. I don't need her pity. Who the hell does she think she is? If she didn't want to introduce herself she didn't have to AND she didn't have to bs her way through some small talk. I don't need Peyton approval, and I'm pretty sure I don't need her at all.