Alex Danvers knows that she deserves a happy future. Actually, she knows she deserves a happy future with Maggie Sawyer. Alex Danvers is getting a happy future with Maggie Sawyer. Or, at least she thought she was.
Thought, she thinks, because up until recently, the future she saw was different than it is now. Now, after discussing things with Maggie, the future she's seeing is still incredible, but… to Alex, there's something missing.
Maybe if they had talked about things sooner, if she had been thoughtful enough to ask Maggie about the future she saw for them, maybe she wouldn't be so thrown. Maybe she would have adjusted to this new future for herself. Maybe that's what she needs to do now. To take some time. To adjust. But… no. No. Alex doesn't think it's going to be that easy. She knows it won't, because the future she saw for herself didn't even exist until Maggie Sawyer walked into her life. It wasn't really something that she thought possible for herself before. Before, when she neglected the idea of being gay all together, and thought her only way to get that future would be through a man. But now, now Maggie is here, and she's smart, and she's tough, and witty, and beautiful, and all Alex wants to do is spend the rest of her life with her and their dog and their… kids. But, in Maggie's vision of their future, there are no kids.
Alex thinks that, maybe, she can see it too. She sees Maggie on the beach, on a day far too cold to get in the water. They play with their dog, a German Shepherd mix that they rescued. She can see the two of them decorating their new apartment together. She sees the first Christmas tree they get together, taller than Maggie but that she insist on carrying up to their floor herself.
She sees their huge found family, gathered around the table at Kara's, eating an amazing Thanksgiving meal that they all pitched in to make. She sees her and Maggie vacationing everytime their busy lives slow down long enough to allow it. Sees them lounging on the white beaches of Hawaii. The sun beating down on their skin, the cool water easing the subtle burn. She sees them sipping expensive wine in a villa in Italy. The smell of fresh grapes and salty air surrounding them. Then they're hiking in the vast woods of Washington state. The damp air and tall trees engulf them, and she swears she hears a brook bubbling near by. They spend their nights cuddling by the fire in a nice warm cabin.
She can see it all, and it's wonderful, but every time she starts to really picture it, something changes. Every time she starts to image their life together it happens.
When their picking out their new apartment, they find one with a second bedroom. It's perfect for an office, but, in Alex's mind, it's turned into a nursery. When they're on the beach, Alex sees herself smiling down at a small bundle strapped to her chest, sleeping soundly. The dog is still there, still playing with Maggie, but takes on a protective role when a seagull dares to waddle too close to Alex and the tiny baby. Maggie rushes to shush the dog, but smile when Alex assures their kid is hardly bothered by it. When she's imaging Thanksgiving, she sees tiny hands reaching for a stray marshmallow that's meant for a sweet potato pie Kara is making. She sees her sister eye it, and slides the whole bag over with a chuckle and a wink. She sees hand painted turkeys, and tiny painted pumpkins that have stayed out since Halloween. And at Christmas when they finally get that tree set up, she can see Maggie smile down at a tiny face that smiles back up at her. They share Identical dimples, and head tilt, but the child has auburn brown waves of hair down to their shoulders. Alex sees herself off to the side, sneaking cookies, another child on her hip, asking to put the star on top of the tree.
She sees her family bursting through the front door of their new house after taking the dog for a walk at the park down the road. She sees one of the kids holding a small scruffy dog, and hears Maggie say, "He was all alone, and looked scared. We couldn't just leave him."
Then in all of her visions, they have two dogs. The large ,aging Shepard mix, and a tiny, white mutt with an underbite and eyes that almost rival the puppy look Kara has taught both of her children.
Those two beautiful children. Sometimes things about them change, hair texture, skin tone, age difference, but it's always two, and one always has Maggie's dimples. Even when she pictures her dream vacations she can see them. They're snuggled up in front of a fire between her and Maggie, the mess of s'more, and smell of burnt marshmallows still lingering. She's watching them build sandcastles as she and Maggie lay in the sun, and getting to see the joy on their faces when they see dolphins for the first time.
She can feel her own joy at the idea of getting to watch her imaginary children learn and discover all the amazing things in the world, and even feels the sorrow when they have to experience the worst parts of it. Comfort them when they fall and scrape their knee, or when play fighting get a little rough and they knock out a tooth, because let's be real, these are her kids. She knows the words she'll use to explain how to respond when some on on the playground isn't being nice, or, hell, when grown ups aren't being nice. And she wants it. She wants it all. And she can see it all. She can see what could be, and it's all so clear. The good, the bad, the horrible, the amazing, and everything in between. All the things that come with raising children, and she can't imagine her life without it.
She also can't imagine her life without Maggie. And Maggie… Maggie doesn't see all of these amazing things. Alex would like to think that maybe someday she will, in the future. But is she willing to take that chance? She is willing to live her whole life with Maggie, and the thoughts of what could have been? Could she live carrying that regret?
She knows that tons of people live their entire lives not wanting nor having children, and that's fine. That's great, Alex is glad they're happy, and get to live the life they want for themselves. But Alex is not one of those people. And Maggie is. And that fines too, because she wants nothing more than for Maggie to have a happy future.
She knows that together, just the two of them, that they could have a beautiful, rich, full future…but Alex doesn't think she can promise that she'll always be happy. And Alex Danvers knows that she deserves a happy future.