I could dance with Eren every night for the rest of my life , if I could. It felt wonderful with just the two of us, in that big empty room with all the tables pushed aside, just for the two of us. There was never any music, or sound, other then our feet making small thuds on the hard wooden floors, the small sounds echoing around the room as we danced and danced, never once letting go of each other for any reason. It was wonderful; Lovely, slow, smooth. It was not rushed, which made it wonderful and sweet. We would dance for every reason possible; after something good happened, after bad days in order to forget, on nights where we simply felt to terrible to go to sleep. We would push the tables aside for room, and dance until the sun rose, nothing but each other and our movements to focus on. When we danced, I felt warm. Happy, and completed. As if Eren was the one person who could complete me, the one person who could help in healing my heart that had been broken and smashed so many times it seemed unfixable. He was the only person I could ever truely trust with all my heart.
But one night, the dancing stopped. It left me in confusion, as Eren took his hands off of me and took a few steps back. I had asked what was wrong, and all he could do was stare at me. The happiness felt as if it had been drained from my body, replaced by a dread that made every movement Eren made feel like a needle being driven into my skin. "What?" I asked again. I remember the sad look in his eyes as he admited something that both of us dreaded and loved at the same time-
"I love you, Armin."
In the scouting legion, those three words made me feel like a knife carving my heart out of my body. In the scouting legion, those three words made me feel dull and faint, my mind filled with a hazy and distant happiness that was nearly overwhelmed with dread. Eren could not love me. And I could not love him. It was as simple as that- It was out of fear that, if we spoke of how much we loved each other, one of us would get killed. If we admitted out feelings towards each other, it would only succeed in drawing us closer together in a painful way. Saying I love you, it was impossible. No matter how hard I searched inside of myself.. I had no power to say it back. Saying it back would mean that when one of us died, it would leave the other heart broken. And I could not do something like that to Eren.
That was when the dancing stopped altogether. I would find myself sitting in the room, pushing the tables off to the side and waiting for Eren to come and dance with me. Even if it was useless, I found I was able to stay optimistic. I found myself hoping Eren would come to dance, although he never did. I would go back to bed, tired and alone, only to see Eren already fast asleep himself.
One night, I stopped by Eren. I knew I would never be able to say it to his face, because that seemed as though it would cause even more damage to us. I knelt down, leaning in by his ear and whispering in a small voice not quite loud enough to wake him up
"I love you to, Eren."