Okabe didn't believe in fate. Not for a second. Perhaps long ago, something within him wanted to believe; and craved an occurrence that would undoubtedly end in a happy ending. He had been naive, and he cursed himself for it.
No, if anything, fate was cruelty. Fate demanded death and destruction, an unavoidable pain that tore through the hearts of all who were willing to experience life in its most fragile form.
Fate was Kurisu, for him; though he couldn't quite place the ending. That's why he refused to believe in a set path. He blocked off the truth in order to shield himself, which only led to more suffering.
That's where he was now. He supposed fate played a part in the grand scheme of things, though he was still too stubborn to see it. That's what she had told him, when things made sense and he hated it. Why was he cursed to lose someone close to him? What had he done to deserve it? A lot of things, actually, but he tried not to think on it. He didn't like picturing her disappointment.
The small apartment, a lab as he once called it, seemed much larger than usual. With its size you'd think it'd be hard to make such a statement, but with no company, it was like a colossal space of pipe drips and traffic sounds. The others didn't come as often, and he supposed it was his own fault. He raved on and on about a girl that didn't exist, and if they managed to find something so off-putting that it caused their departure, he knew he must look madder than he ever had.
Hououin Kyouma had been a mask for him, something to hide behind. When it had shattered, the man underneath was a sight that those close to him found even stranger. It was unfamiliar and eerie, a sight that Mayuri knew and feared. Of course she had tried to help him, kindness seeped from her bones. It wasn't until he gave an ill-mannered remark that she left.
He hadn't seen her since.
Nothing justified his actions; he was acting unreasonable, fretting over a girl he had only known for a few weeks, but he couldn't help it. He felt something when he was with her, something that even Mayuri couldn't bring out of him.
She had mentioned that he looked more alive than she'd ever seen him, in those days when the Future Gadget Lab was thriving with new faces and adventure. It was like something out of a sci-fi novel, a reality that seemed perfect and content. He should've known it wouldn't have lasted.
So he used the mask to his advantage. Fate was unavoidable, and the longer he dwelled on it, the more it made sense. By employing his outward persona, there was a familiarity in the air, something to hold onto. Maybe it wasn't what she would have wanted, but it worked all the same.
Okabe knew he would have to take action. He had dwelled in his own depressing mind for far too long. This wasn't going to work, not at all. He needed his companions and, though there was a missing piece, few were better than none at all. He hated the silence, and he hated being alone with his thoughts.
He was disgusted with himself for the way he treated Mayuri, and after going through so much just to save her, he knew he'd have to make amends. He chose her, after all, as his hostage and as the one that had to live. Kurisu was the one who really made the decision, but nearly every part of him agreed wholeheartedly. She was more brave than he would ever be; strong in ways he could scarcely fathom.
Perhaps Kurisu was the piece of him that held his bravery, that kept him moving when nothing else could. Sure, she wasn't a tangible person anymore, he thought bitterly, but she had still existed, and that was enough. If he had altered time so severely before, enough to jump entire world lines, what was saying he couldn't do so again?
He was content with his fate because he knew it was the right order of things, and above all else, Mayuri deserved to live. But -he pondered as he stood from his chair- with his Reading Steiner, his mind, and his will to change things, maybe he could be the one to control fate. He wouldn't leave it to some unknown force.
Yes, he was correct in his idea to reunite with his friends, and he was also correct in wanting to take action. It's what Kurisu would've wanted, and the small flicker of hope burning within him agreed tenfold.
Was he okay with his current fate? Yes, but it wasn't the ideal decision of Steins Gate. He knew this.
Okabe knew he still had a purpose, and as he left his apartment to run for the hills to Mayuri, he finally realized what that purpose was.
His first and only love, the girl who had brought out the best and worst of him.
And above all else, everything his fate amounted to.
He ran for Kurisu.