One

Cletus Nix and Tibby Cagney were having the most passionate sex they had produced after nearly two years of dating. Maybe it was the My Little Pony porn that Cletus and his friend Emmanuel watched on a daily basis while Cletus experimented with his bisexuality, but nonetheless, Tibby's libido was quite satisfied. Well, almost satisfied.

The rabbit girl let out a loud moan and screamed with passion.

"Cletus, let me be your Elwood whore! Take me! Fuck me now!"

You, as the reader, might imagine this typical teenage relationship between Tibby and Cletus. Two high school kids making love in their bed. Except that wasn't the case at all. Given that only one of them was in high school and had just turned 18.

"Your front is nice and smooth, Tibby," Cletus responded. Those words stabbed Tibby even harder than Cletus' uncircumcised, below-average length male organ was.

"CLETUS!" Tibby screamed, with what seemed like menstrual rage despite the fact she hadn't bought any menstrual cups yet. "What did I tell you about saying that?!"

"I do not remember, but I will be a good and loving Baptist boyfriend and be nice, Tibby."

Tibby's face looked like one of the Romans about to crucify Jesus. Like Simba after Scar told him he killed his dad. Like Hillary Clinton after Donald Trump won the 2016 presidential election.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Cletus!" Tibby cried. "Can't you be a normal boyfriend for once? You don't call it a smooth front. Didn't you learn that in sex ed?"

Cletus donned a dejected expression, a slight tear welling up in his eye.

"Tibby," he said, his country accent revealing itself. "I have somethin' to tell you."

"What? You're not gay, are you? I mean, it's totally fine if you are. I can just remove my vagina and turn it into a penis. There's that really good doctor castrator who removed his own junk 14 years ago. Or you could go to that one gay bathhouse...I heard everybody-"

"I never completed third grade." Cletus confessed.

The pieces came together for Tibby Cagney. She realized this was why her 35 year old boyfriend was so...not smart. She wasn't a sapiosexual by any means. If it had a dick and walked on two legs, she'd do it. She didn't care about Cletus' IQ as long as the sex was good. But...if she immediately became turned off by him saying 'smooth front' every time they had intercourse, that was a problem.

And once in a blue moon, a brilliant idea emerged in Tibby's teenage mind.

"Why don't you go to third grade again?"

Tibby hated school, but third grade was her favorite year for some reason. Nigel Ratburn was probably the toughest teacher she ever had. At least he demanded enough homework that she would never have any time to be her slutty self (except not in elementary school, since that's kind of creepy and Tibby didn't condone pedophilia). Hypothetically speaking, if Mr. Ratburn were a teacher at Elwood High School, maybe she would have been a top student and not on top of teachers' dicks.

Cletus got off of Tibby even though he hadn't orgasmed. But the idea of going back to school was enough to make him explode. It went all over Tibby's face. She smirked.

"Tibby, you must be God' daughter! I love you so much! But where do I go?"

"I'll drive you to school before going to have se-study time with my teachers! Mr. Ratburn changed my life," she replied, wiping her facial off.

"I'll be a true man of God now." Cletus said with a smile. He ran upstairs, forgetting to put on his clothes.

"Mama, Papa, I'm goin' back to third grade!"

Both of the Nix parents stared at each other, somewhat in horror of seeing their son completely naked. Most people, excluding Tibby, wouldn't be particularly fond of seeing a paunchy, balding, anthropomorphic bear not wearing anything.

But they were even more shocked that he might actually move out of their basement one day.

"Okay, son," said Mr. Nix, who was your typical 1950s white dad from Leave it to Beaver even though he had a hick for a son. "Just make sure you don't do what you did last time you were in third grade."

Then, Mrs. Nix broke down in tears as the war flashback commenced.

Yeah, this should PROBABLY be rated M, but since nobody sees M stories, you get a T rating until the Fanfiction police come after me for corrupting everybody. But I mean - COME ON, kiddie porn here is rated T and doesn't do anything about it.

Hopefully you got a good laugh from this story that I wrote at 1 am when on a caffeine high and doing a fuck-ton of homework.

~ TTW