not mine, not for profit. For the trope bingo square "free space" because I never get "amnesia." Title and opening quote from Jess Jenkins's Knit Hat Appears on Chinese Beaches. Thanks to A for beta help!
Because I have the knack you asked me to say something nice: / "you are so imperceptible" and you said to me "you don't seem like a real wedding"/ and that's because I'm not, I'm not a real wedding./ I'm not even a real cowboy and everything you own is actually just a picture/ of the thing you own. How does that feel, exactly? Like laughing./ "That feels like laughing" I hope you say.
Pacey saw white. White and a light. Not the white light, if such a thing even existed, he hadn't decided on that yet.
He woke up and he was in pain, on drugs, and wow, that was one hell of a hangover.
He woke up again and there was a doctor so it wasn't a hangover. The doctor was a very attractive redhead and he may have just been dumped for that asshole Eddie but hey, he wasn't dead. He blinked a few times through the drug fog and pain fog and said, "What?"
"I asked you your name," Hottie Doctor said.
"Pacey Witter," he said. "I got that right, right?"
"Yes," the doctor said. "What year is this?"
"2003," Pacey said, confidently. He watched Hottie Doctor's face. "I got that one wrong." That was a incredibly frightening thought. "Wait, am I 60 or something? Did I have a stroke?"
"Calm down," the doctor said. "You're not 60. You didn't have a stroke. You're right, it's not 2003. It's 2006."
"Why don't I remember the last 3 years? What's going on?"
"You were shot," the doctor said.
Pacey decided this was a particularly good time to pass out.
It kept being 2006 and he kept not remembering anything past 2003 every time he woke up.
Finally, they sent in his dad instead of hot doctors and less attractive nurses. "I'm so glad you're okay, son," his dad said, trying to do something like a hug around the wires and tubes.
"Hey, so how have the last three years been?"
"What's the last thing you remember, Pace?"
Pacey closed his eyes and didn't pass out. "Let's see, Joey dumped me. She got back together with that asshole. I had a lot to drink. That's pretty much it."
"Okay," his dad said. He looked old and he looked like he'd been sleeping in his clothes for weeks. "Your mom passed away. About 6 months ago."
Machines beeped, something squeaked as it was pushed down a hallway. Pacey was missing work, if he still had the same job. He could completely understand if there was a shooting at work, that made total sense. Pacey swallowed and wished they'd let him eat solid food. The whole world kept happening and he would never see his mother again. He said, "I'm sorry. I just, last I remember you were in the hospital and she was fine."
"She was fine," his dad said. "It was a heart attack, out of the blue."
"I'm sorry." Pacey wished he could itch his face. He hadn't shaved, no one had shaved him. "Is everyone else okay?"
"Sure, sure," his dad said. "Kerry got married, had another kid. He's a good guy. They're living in Plymouth. She had a boy, named him Wyatt. Pretty cute. Paula's still in Pittsburgh, that one's never getting married, I think. Maybe she's a lesbian. I don't think she would tell me. Uh, Gretchen graduated, she's working in New York City, for some website."
"How's Doug?"
"He's good, he's good. He's gay," his dad said. "Feel like an ass, I probably made him miserable."
"Oh," Pacey said. "Well, me, too. Good for him."
"He was dating some guy for two years and he got dumped and he never told me," his dad said. "He told you first. Told you a few years ago, actually. I guess after what you remember."
"I hope I wasn't an asshole," Pacey said. "I can really be an asshole sometimes, Dad. I'm sorry about Mom." His eyes were wet. He just saw her a few days ago, he just saw his mother.
"I know, kid," his dad said. "I'm sorry it's happening all over again for you."
"Maybe I'll remember and get to do it three times," Pacey said. "Did they tell you if they think I'll remember anything? I don't think they tell me everything."
"I don't know," his dad said. "I don't get everything. I'm just glad you're alive."
"So how have I been? Do I still have a job? How's Dawson and everybody?"
"Yeah, yeah. You don't have that job anymore. That place went belly up and you lost a ton of Dawson's money. But you fixed that so he could make his movie, I guess. Then we put you through culinary school and you were working at the Leery restaurant for a while. Then you got some job 3 days a week in New York City, as a chef. You did those two for a while. Lately, you switched to a different New York City restaurant, that guy you worked for -"
"Danny?"
"Yeah, you're his number two. That's four days a week and then you drive home for the weekend at Leery's. You're in charge there, the weekend stuff. And you've been working on getting your own place."
"My very own apartment?" His dad shook his head. Pacey said, "My very own restaurant? Doesn't that upset Gail?" Pacey pictured Gail with her little girl, she was a baby, he didn't feel like they'd worked together.
"She's cool with it. There's space in Capeside for two good restaurants. You're looking at the Icehouse, actually. Bessie and Bodie are helping, too," his dad said. "I don't think you're seeing anyone. You were seeing that Lindley girl last year? A year and a half ago."
"Jen? I dated Jen," Pacey said. It didn't feel real. He wished he'd remembered having sex with her. "Did she dump me or I dumped her?"
"Seemed amicable to me, but it's not like you tell me everything. I know Joey graduated, and Jen and Jack. Dawson never went to school but he's already in Los Angeles making his movies. You seemed to talk to him a lot. I don't know about anyone else." His dad reached out and patted his hand. "I'm just real glad you're alive."
"Yeah," Pacey said. His mother was such a lousy cook. He really wanted to choke down some of her crap right then. "How exactly did I get shot?"
"They told me it was at your restaurant here. We're in New York City. You were doing good, though, you were protecting someone," his dad said. "It was a hostage thing. I know I should have asked more questions but all I wanted to know was that you were okay."
"That's okay," Pacey said. "It's probably not worth remembering. I'll just assume I was super heroic and didn't piss myself when I got shot."
His dad finally smiled. "I bet you did, son."
He passed out again or the drugs kicked in good. Either way, he kept waiting to remember the last few years and then he woke up and it still wasn't there in his head.
Doug was his next visitor. "Hey, so I hear I owe you an apology," Pacey started to say.
Doug put his hand up. "I've heard it, no need to do it again." Pacey got another awkward Witter hug.
"Okay," Doug said. "Dad said you had questions."
"Is he okay? He looked bad," Pacey said. Doug looked good, tanned, rested, extra well put together. He never thought any of them looked like Mom or Dad, but he wondered if he were projecting seeing something like Mom in Dougie.
"Well, his wife died last year, and his youngest just got shot and definitely has brain damage, so he probably just needs more sleep," Doug said, kind of smiling.
"I'm not brain damaged," Pacey said. That seemed harsh which was actually not at all out of character for Doug.
"You can't remember more than half of 2003, all of 2004, 2005, and the first eight months of this year, so that's a little something wrong with your brain," Doug said. He sighed like it pained him to admit it. He probably enjoyed it.
"How'd I get shot? Was it cool?"
"No," Doug said. His voice sounded mean. "It wasn't cool. We didn't know if you were gonna live for, like, 10 hours. Dawson flew out and he thought he'd get off the plane and hear you were dead."
"Sorry," Pacey said. "Sorry." He listened to the beeps again and all the sounds. He said, "Dawson went home now, right?"
"Yup," Doug said. "It's been 5 days, and they still won't let anyone but family in. He keeps calling, though."
"I'm glad we're friends," Pacey said. His mom loved Dawson. Dawson had probably come to the funeral, like Pacey went to his dad's.
"I'm sorry, it's not your fault, you don't get this," Doug said. "You were at work. Some asshole came after his ex-wife, one of the dishwashers. You talked to him, got the restaurant cleared, all the wait staff out, half the kitchen staff. By then the cops were there and there was a hostage negotiator. Unfortunately, the asshole snapped and started shooting, but you put yourself between him and his ex-wife and another lady and that's how you got shot. Don't worry, the asshole died."
"Wow," Pacey said. "That doesn't sound like me, I gotta say. I'm really surprised, honestly."
"It sounds like you to everyone else," Doug said.
"I've changed, then," Pacey said. "I'm being serious, I don't think I would throw myself in front of anyone."
"The ex-wife was pregnant, is pregnant, actually. Maybe you that made a difference for you," Doug said. "Pacey, you really did this. There are witnesses."
"Then I guess I have to believe you," Pacey said. "Hey, so I dated Jen? Did she make me a better man?"
Doug shrugged. "I don't know. What's the last thing you remember?"
"Joey dumped me at someone else's prom, I got stupid drunk, a lot." She wore a yellow dress and he'd told her not to be afraid, but of course, she wasn't afraid. She wanted to be fucking Eddie. "She dumped me for some guy. Is it awful if I hope he's dead?"
"He's not dead," Doug said. "Uh, I don't think so. Joey dumped him a week after that or something. Then you lost your job and you were in culinary school and then you dated Jen."
"For how long?" Jen would have come to the funeral, too.
"About a year," Doug said. "That was a year after Joey. I thought it was pretty serious, maybe even get married serious, but then it all went to shit and you two broke up. You swore to me you didn't cheat on her and she didn't cheat on you. I mean, you've dated other women. Not recently, though. Last two months."
"So no crying girlfriend out in the waiting room?" He literally could not imagine wanting to get married. He didn't remember being in love with Jen, either. She was dating that guy C.J., that was last week.
"Lots of friends," Doug said. "Your family."
"That's good," Pacey said. "That's nice."
It was days before they let him see non-family and he was so grateful for the sight of a not Witter. He kept thinking about Mom every time he saw Dad or Kerry or Doug or Gretchen.
He almost jumped for joy when he saw Jen even though he was completely incapable of moving at any speed at all. "Hey, you."
She gave him a real hug, she was not surprisingly better at it than the Witter men. He said, "I'm sorry. Everyone keeps telling me we were dating and I don't remember a thing, I feel like an asshole."
"You and your amnesia are indeed assholes," Jen said, smiling. "I was fantastic and you were an awful boyfriend. I did nothing wrong and you were just, just horrible." Her hair was short again like when she was 16 and they almost had sex.
"Thank you for teasing me," he said. "I feel like no one wants to tease me or be too sarcastic because of the brain damage."
"Who said I was teasing you?" She rubbed his arm and then looked serious. "Grams was praying her heart out for you and I almost got on my knees."
"I'm sorry, I want to offer an innuendo but I am apparently brain damaged." He felt something, he thought. He was sad looking at her, but it was probably because everyone told him he'd loved her.
"You were a good boyfriend. I wasn't a bad girlfriend. It was just, you know," she said. "You have no idea, sorry, I forgot. You knocked me up, Pacey, and then I miscarried and found out I have this lung condition and can't actually ever have kids so it was all very sad." She rubbed his cheek and her hand felt soft. "They haven't let you shave, have you?"
"I can't," he said. "I'm not really active duty for anything now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the kid."
"I know," she said. "I know. It was actually, you know, I think we're both over it. We were. You were. I am. We only told Andie and Jack. I think you told Dawson, but I don't know for sure, just judging by the way he talked to me."
"Andie? I feel like I haven't talked to Andie in years," Pacey said. "Since graduation. That's wrong."
"She spent two years studying in London, then she transferred to Columbia at the same time Jack and I transferred to NYU at the same time you started working in Manhattan," Jen said. "So we were all hanging out together."
"Didn't we ever make new friends?" He tried to smile.
"We did, you did. But we all have that bond, living here. Though you're pretty close to moving back to Capeside permanently," she said.
"Opening a restaurant, I heard I had that awe-inspiring plan," Pacey said. "How can I do that now that I don't even remember culinary school?"
"You've got time to work it out," she said. "I hear you have another few months of physical therapy and recovery before you can do anything."
"So they keep telling me. I guess I can go back to school or something," he said. He wondered if it had been a good school. He missed cooking. He didn't cook enough for his mom except he probably had cooked for her, a lot. Jen had miscarried, he thought. He was pretty grateful he didn't remember that which pretty shitty.
"I like brain damaged Pacey, you let me do all the talking," Jen said. She was holding his hand and they fit together, it was nice. "Joey, by the way, graduated with honors. She's working on a MFA at Columbia. She's had six short stories published already, she's made a mere pittance from them. It's a lot of money for a writer."
"We hang out together?"
"Yes, all the time," Jen said. "So she's going to be excited you've forgotten everything since she dumped you."
"Sarcasm, I sure remember that," Pacey said. "I guess I tried to be a human kevlar vest because the woman was pregnant?"
"Maybe," Jen said. "Maybe you're just a good guy."
"I'm not that guy, Jen," he said. "I'm sure of it. I'm an idiot, I don't do the right thing. I work in sales and all I want is money and the thrill of it all. That's the me I know."
"Yes, you do, you do the right thing and you cook for people, that's what you do. You're a good guy all the time," Jen said. "Do you want me to get rid of your beard? I can ask for you."
"How does it look? Is it like, hockey finals bad? Distinguished or rakish and sexy?"
"It doesn't look great," Jen said. "It's only been two weeks or so, it's more patchy and ragged. Has no one offered you a mirror?"
"I piss through a tube, which I was really hoping not to share. So I don't get up much or move around," he said.
"Believe it or not, you have seen me in nearly as bad shape as that," she said. "I'm kinda glad you don't remember it." She got up and he couldn't see where she went. She came back with a hand mirror. "Okay, brace yourself."
Pacey looked like crap. Horrible awful crap. His skin looked like uncooked badly kneaded bread dough except for where he had some spectacular bruising and his beard was neither rakish, sexy, or distinguished. A portion of his head was shaved and there was some sort of bandage there. "I think if you hold it up longer, that mirror will break."
"Aww," Jen said. She put down the mirror and took his hand again. "You want the beard gone?"
"Let's just do a full depilatory experience - buzz the head and shave the beard, all of it."
"I'm not going to give you a man brazilian, honey," Jen said.
"I didn't mean that," he said. He squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry I don't remember us."
"I was more in love with Dawson, anyway," she said, only half smiling.
"That was a really mean blow," he said. "I accept it."
He saw Dawson, Andie, and Jack. Jen came by, again. He was transferred to a rehab facility and got the tube out of his dick which was a really big highlight. He was a real boy again, walking and talking and using the bathroom on his own. It wasn't very exciting but he was getting there.
After a month, he still didn't remember any damn thing. He discovered, though, working in the kitchen, he remembered all his culinary schooling even if he couldn't remember a single class. He also didn't remember any of the friends he'd made in culinary school even though they all seemed pretty fun when they came to visit. They made fun of him and teased him but in a way that Pacey felt really communicated their affection.
Joey still hadn't come to visit. He tried not to let it bug him, but it really bugged him. He finally gave in and mentioned it to Andie. "Are we not friends? People seemed to think we were friends. I know I look bad, but I look way better now. I'm practically adorable."
"You don't look great," Andie said. "Your last memory is her dumping you. I'm pretty sure she's just embarrassed. That's what she says. When we ask her about it."
Pacey said, "Okay, so it's not just me that finds her absence so very glaring?"
"Pacey, the very last thing you remember is her dumping you. And you being head over heels in love with her, so maybe she wants to give you some time to recover," Andie said.
"The doctors don't think I'm gonna get anything back," Pacey said. "Or maybe it will, who knows. But I hope she's not waiting for that day to come because I would like to see her eventually. I promise, I can control my anger over everything that happened which was years ago, I know. I'm not even angry. I got dumped, I can take it."
"You seem super mature about it, right now," Andie said.
"Well, now I'm upset about this not visiting me she's doing," Pacey said. "Also, I'm on some serious drugs and it makes me moody."
"Okay, I will pass that message on," Andie said, smiling.
It was still another two weeks before Joey showed up. She looked beautiful but definitely older. God, he just turned 21 no matter how he pretended to be an adult, he didn't understand why he was supposed to be just over her. He rubbed his head. He was 24. Joey sat down next to him at the table in the bleak and boring lounge where they had visitors. She said, "I took forever to see you, sorry."
"To be fair, I realize that it's an awkward position you're in," Pacey said.
"I know, but the reality is once I didn't visit you in the hospital it started building up, like some tidal wave of now it's been too long, no, now it's been too long and then time got away from me," she said. "So you're mad at me, I assume."
"Emotionally, yes, but also as a mature person who's pretending to be over the age of 24, I acknowledge we've gotten over and past this whole thing. I haven't, but I know I did so it seems unfair to you that I would still be holding on to it," Pacey said. "I still am, though, sorry, that's on me. It's just that to me, you dumping me for that guy is so very fresh."
"We broke up two weeks later and I think I regret choosing him even now. Actually, especially now, since he was arrested three months ago for a DUI and hit and run," Joey said. "Jen says every girl has to date a pretentious asshole, but mine was particularly pretentious and a super huge asshole."
"I agree with every word you're saying," Pacey said. "I really do. This is actually very gratifying because I hate that guy. And I am clearly the better man because he's probably in prison and I'm a hero. They tell me I am."
"You were. Are. You almost died. They told your Dad you were probably going to die." She shuddered. She said, "Which is notable. Because you were going to die and everything was really clear to me. I feel like that's awful, though, because I should have realized it sooner and I think I did, but still, the idea of you dead was what drove it home."
"What is it, that's crystallized for you?"
Joey sighed. "You were right when you said I was afraid. You were totally right. I ran from you to the easier choice because everyone is easier than you, no one pushes me like you do." She was extremely fidgety which certainly conveyed fear effectively. "You were right," she said. "I did love you, I do love you, I don't know that I ever got over you. I know you got over me, even if you don't remember it, because I know if Jen hadn't lost the baby, you two would still be married with a great kid and I would be forced to get over you because you were so happy."
"Jen said if she'd carried to term she would have probably died, so I wouldn't still be married, I'd be a sad widower single parent," Pacey said. "But I see what you're saying. I don't remember it. I just don't. Do you think I was over you?"
"We had sex two nights after your mom died," Joey said. "It was really good sex." She was looking at something on the ceiling and then back down at her hands. "You said it didn't mean anything but maybe you were lying? You were upset."
"Oh," Pacey said. "But you love me. I'm going to be pretty happy about that."
She smiled at him. "It feels a little wrong to try a relationship when so much has happened, or not happened in your memory."
Pacey started fidgeting now. "So we should just be miserable separately? Why would we do that?"
"I don't know," she said. "I don't really have a roadmap for this situation."
"Me neither," he said. "So you love me and I love you, so we should hang out. I mean, that sounds like a definite reason to hang out. Spectacular reason to hang out. We can have a weekly date and let things happen. I'm here for another six weeks or so, and then I'll be in Capeside and we can figure it out as we go along. How about that?"
She smiled again. She took his hands and squeezed them. She said, "I like that. Good idea."
"I haven't asked anyone, but you would know, how is Audrey?"
"Great segue," Joey said. "Audrey graduated Worthington a year late, and is now back in LA taking courses to be a drug counselor."
"That's great," Pacey said. "Yeah, that was a bad segue, sorry. Let's date, and now let me ask about your roommate, my ex-girlfriend. Good point."
"We can work on that," she said.
Pacey was discovering the difference between being 21 and being 24 was vast and not something he was good at. He didn't think he was good at it. He quit his job in New York City and had Gretchen and one of his friends he didn't remember clear out his apartment there. When he was well enough, the only job he had anymore was weekends at Leery's Fresh Fish. Doug got him an apartment. He'd go from the rehab place straight there, driven in his own car which apparently Jack was sad to give up taking care of.
He felt like his dates with Joey were going well. She came once a week and they watched TV he'd missed or movies he'd liked when he saw them. They held hands and kissed. She talked about her writing and ideas she had and the number of sexist assholes in her MFA program. She wouldn't let him read a single thing she'd written. He told her how he remembered nothing, and was deathly afraid about going back to work and trying to be someone he wasn't. He made it sound funnier than that, though, he was trying not to be a total downer. He didn't want to get dumped again for Dawson or whomever she'd dated last.
Then, definitely before he was ready, he was back in Capeside. Only half the things in his apartment felt familiar and that didn't include the Pacey he saw in the mirror. "When did I get a tattoo? I'm not a tattoo person."
Dawson had flown out to see him and was taking up space on the couch. "You and Jen both got one around your six month anniversary together, I think they were matching, too."
"Jen has a wave and a seashell tattooed on her?" Pacey lifted his shirt and looked at the darn thing again.
Dawson winced and Pacey remembered he had some nasty fresh scars so he dropped his shirt. Dawson said, "You got it covered up after you broke up, after your mom died."
"Oh," Pacey said. "Still makes no sense to me."
"Do the doctors think that will change?"
"They have no idea," Pacey said. "I sure wish it would, I'm supposed to start back at work tomorrow."
"You're not running it like you used to, you're just cooking, right?"
"Your mom is smart enough not to risk her business on the brain damaged guy who doesn't even know what Brangelina is," Pacey said. "I know that now, you don't have to tell me."
"Good," Dawson said. "Pacey, you'll be fine."
"Thanks," Pacey said. It was really nice that Pacey of the past three years had a good relationship with Dawson he could rely on. It was really nice to have his best friend back only now his best friend was a pretty great, mature guy. He'd been happy when Pacey mentioned that he and Joey were back together. Dawson Leery, happy about Pacey and Joey. He was also sadly happy that it probably meant Joey wouldn't dump him for Dawson.
Being a chef, it was time to go do that. He stared at the ceiling of his apartment and felt glad he wasn't supposed to remember that. No pressure from the ceiling. The kitchen uniform felt familiar, but from last year, not the most recent few years of his life. He put on his sneakers which were damn spiffy and apparently a very popular look for sneakers now.
If he didn't think about it, he felt natural cooking. Pacey just did it like he was the pasty weakened star of a Nike ad. He was a much better chef than he remembered. Gail smiled at him at the end of his shift. "See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, absolutely," he said. "I think I'm getting the hang of this again."
Joey had taken the train back to Capeside to see him. She was waiting for him outside his apartment. "You could have come by the restaurant," he said. "Or asked me for a key to this place which I will make sure to get you one."
"Aren't you confident I'm not taking after dear old Dad and won't rip you off." She immediately sat down on the couch and took off her coat and boots.
"How is your Dad?" He stripped down to his boxers. "Sorry, I hope this isn't too much skin for you. I know we haven't gotten to that stage but you know what? Kitchens are really hot and I am swimming in sweat."
"It's fine," she said. "I was actually thinking, maybe, I could sleep over."
"In my bed? Yes, please," he said. "I'm happy to wait but sometimes I feel like we're back in our senior year again before the big ski trip."
"We're waiting on you, not me," she said. "You didn't even have doctor's clearance until 3 weeks ago."
He sat down next to her and helped her out of her shirt. "Except I'm actually exhausted and suspect I would be a lousy performer tonight. But in the morning when we wake up, I'll be the powerhouse lover you remember."
"Powerhouse is a weird way to describe yourself," Joey said. She took off her pants and bra and fished a t-shirt out of her bag. Her breasts looked the same and he felt amazed all over again like the first time he'd seen her topless.
Ten minutes later they were both under the covers. Pacey watched Joey read. "Is it a good book?"
"Not really," Joey said. "One of my professors loves it but he loves stories about stoic white men where the women characters are basically ciphers with boobs."
"So you wouldn't recommend it?"
"Nope," Joey said. "I need to sleep and this makes me sleepy with a familiar sad disgust that I've learned to live with since I decided to start studying literature and trying to be a writer." She put the book down and turned out the light.
"You're so skinny and flabby simultaneously," Joey said.
"Tell me more about how beautiful I am since I've been recovering from being shot," he said. "I'm building muscle. It just takes time. Are you trying to say you're not attracted to me?"
"No," she said. She kissed him and ran her hand down his side. "I can't wait for your powerhouse."
"You're not going to dump me for someone else again, right?" He hadn't meant to say that.
"No," Joey said. "I promise. I promise. I was an idiot and I was wrong and we should have made it work. But now I've already been really really afraid and really really scared and I know that being with you isn't actually a thing to be scared of."
"That's good," he said. "Does that mean you'll me read your writing?"
"Not yet," she said. "Go to sleep."
He wasn't so much a powerhouse as an amazing lover with seductive gentleness when needed. She was breathing heavily after she came. Joey said, "That was nice."
"Nicely awesome?"
She touched his face. "You're so desperate for validation."
"Did I outgrow that?"
"No, not in the slightest," she said. She touched his tattoo. "Did you ask Jen about it?"
"No, I hate relying on her for my memories, it feels bad," he said. "I feel like it hurts her, and I don't want to do more of that."
"It used to be a big spoon and a small spoon. You both got it. Because you're tall and she's not," Joey said. "Then you got it covered up after your mom died. I think the shell is for the miscarriage and the wave is for your mother."
"That doesn't hurt you to say?" He kissed her forehead as he got up out of bed.
"Less than Jen," she said. "She is really over it, though. She's dating that guy."
"I like Raul. I don't remember Raul even though we were in culinary school together and worked together, but I like him," Pacey said. "She said I was over it, too."
Joey said, "I think you were."
She took the train back to New York City and he went back to work at Leery's Fresh Fish. He was good at it. He was a good chef. He loved being in the kitchen, why had he ever tried to be anything else? Because he'd been good at that something else, too, he guessed. That's what he remembered. He liked having money, real money, and all the material possessions he could dream of.
He laid on the bed the next morning with a massive migraine. In the middle of it, he had a flash, a burst of a moment. Jen's naked back, her wailing, he was crying. Between the jackhammers trying to take apart his skull and his new one single memory, he was in more pain than he thought he really deserved. Someone should tell his fucking brain that he was hero.
Two days later he was at his neurologist, his very own neurologist who always seemed super excited by Pacey's amnesia. "You're sure it's a memory, not something that's been suggested by what people told you?"
"I think so," Pacey said. "Do you think it was related to the migraine?"
"Maybe," the neurologist said with glee. The guy loved Pacey's unique brain damage, he was going to write one hell of a paper on him. "Let's run some tests."
He had another migraine a week later but he didn't remember anything that time. He got a flash one morning, a moment of being on a boat, sailing.
"It's the worst," Pacey said to Jen. It had been a month since his first migraine. "I get migraines twice a week and I've been getting these tiny moments, a split second of a memory and it barely adds up to five minutes. I remember spinning a blue plate, what the fuck do I with that?"
"Nothing," Jen said. "You do nothing. What did your doctor say?"
"It's fascinating, that's what he says. He thinks my brain is the funnest one to study he's ever had."
Jen said, "And?"
"That's pretty much all he says. He did prescribe some serious migraine medication, though," Pacey said. "I looked at my plans for the restaurant, they seem really advanced."
"Advanced like what?"
"I don't feel smart enough to have done that kind of planning," Pacey said. "There are plans and a business report for the bank to get a loan, and even a few possible menus."
"You were really excited," Jen said. She brushed her hair out her eyes and he saw the two spoons tattoo on the inside of her forearm.
He reached out and touched the tattoo. "Apparently I covered mine up."
Jen shrugged. "I already know that, Pacey. I know it's new to you, but can we not? It gets all wrapped up with how I can't have a baby and that miscarriage was such a life-saver, that's what my doctor called it." She paused and took a deep breath. "Sorry, I'm having a shitty day, I'm sorry. None of this is on you."
"I think Raul is a really nice guy," Pacey said, hunching over in his chair, avoiding her face.
"He is," Jen said. She laughed. "I'll be fine, I swear, today's just a bad day. Two of the women at work just announced they're pregnant. It's not you."
"You don't have to make me feel better," Pacey said.
"I kinda do," Jen said. "You keep trying to be nice to me and you don't remember anything. Sorry, you remember 10 seconds."
"And we're making new memories, right? That's what my dad keeps saying," Pacey said.
"That's so cheesy," Jen said. She held his face and forced him to look at her. She was smiling. "I'm sorry about your migraines."
"I'm sorry about your shitty day," he said.
The migraines kept coming. The occasional memory popped in but it still wasn't adding up to anything.
"Please tell me your neurologist is doing something to actually help you," Gail said to him as they were closing up.
"He sent me for a second opinion," Pacey said. "It was more tests and a whole new office in Manhattan I hadn't been to. Of course, the second opinion was the same as the first one, I think they're sharing credit on the paper. I've had a lot of pointers pointing out things on x-rays and scans that I don't understand. Basically, the brain rewires itself, building connections over damaged parts. Which is super painful in some cases? It's definitely amazingly painful in my case."
"So any timeline on when your brain is better?" Gail smiled.
"Of course not," Pacey said.
"And the new Icehouse?"
"I think, maybe, next month. Next month I get serious about it," Pacey said. "Next month. It's hard though, like, I have to keep reminding myself to fake it, I am 24 -"
"25," Gail said.
"Thank you again for the birthday party," Pacey said. "But yeah, I'm 25, and I don't feel it, I don't have that experience, I am not that guy. I keep telling myself, chill, don't fly off the handle. I'm supposed to be better than that. It's an effort, I'm not kidding."
"That is basically the rest of your life," Gail said. "Not that I don't sometimes daydream, like, the Gail that used to be. The one with the happy marriage and the one child who was only 13. That Gail, she had a great life."
"You have a pretty good life now," Pacey said.
"Weren't you the one who used to insist that you had no regrets because every event in life led you to where you are?" Gail smiled and held the door open for him as they both walked out.
"That guy remembered all the events," Pacey said.
He was used to calling Mrs. Leery "Gail" now, but it had taken some effort. He'd expanded his time at Gail's and started taking on more supervisory responsibilities. He was getting back to who he used to be, or what he imagined he had become. It was all very confusing.
Two days later he was driving to Manhattan and he was only two miles outside of Capeside when the migraine hit. He pulled off to the side of the road. Sometimes he banged his head against whatever surface he could find because it felt better than the migraine. He opened his car door and threw up. He reached for his phone and called Doug.
The next thing he was aware of in his blinding awful pain was Doug walking him into his own apartment. Doug said, "Which pill do you want?"
Pacey stuttered out the name and Doug handed him two pills and a Coke. Pacey took a little sip and got on his bed. He said, "Can you call Jo?"
"Okay," Doug said. "Okay."
He tried to sleep but then woke up and his head still hurt. He slept again. He woke up and his head hurt less. He moved his head and saw Joey, oddly, rubbing his back. "Are you real or am I hallucinating?"
"Do you hallucinate a lot?" Her tone was something that tried to be light and silly.
"I've been warned it could happen, but it hasn't yet," Pacey said. "Why did you come here, it was my turn."
"Because you're here with your head exploding and I thought it would be more fun to sit here and watch you moan than go to this reading I was supposed to go to," Joey said.
"Let me guess, white guy? You complain a lot about white guys," Pacey said. "Should I be worried? I'm a white guy. Is that why I can't read your stuff?"
"Which do you like better, Little Women or On the Road?"
"Since I'm talking to you, I know the right answer is Little Women. It's also the truth," he said. "I remember you had that unabridged edition from the 1900s or something. When we were on the boat."
"That was nice," Joey said. She draped over him, warm and lovely. "Good answer. And yes, it was one more reading from some guy and I don't know, I'm just over it. It reminds me of when I was 15 and I didn't have a single friend who was a girl because I wasn't like those other girls, I was cool Joey. Jen and I could have been good friends a lot sooner."
"You hate white guy writers because they made you be bitchy to Jen," Pacey said. "I can see that."
"Shush," she said. "Did you have any memory moments with this one?"
"No," Pacey said. "I had one yesterday, though. It was another woman. Not you, I mean, not Jen. She had gorgeous breasts. Almost as nice as yours. Wait, I met her, I remember that. At the party." He just realized that. He guessed he'd slept with her after being dumped for DUI Eddie. Good for Pacey he couldn't remember, he thought.
"She sure was pretty," Joey said. "That girl at the party."
"Sorry, my head is killing me, honey," Pacey said. "I'm going back to sleep after I take more pills."
It was time before he knew it to get serious about the restaurant. This had been his plan. He sat down with Jack and said, "Is this still feasible?"
"Pacey, that's not actually the first question."
"Aren't you the wise English teacher," Pacey said. "Tell me, Mr. McPhee, what is the right question?"
"The first question. Pacey, the first question is do you want to do this? You don't remember planning this or even wanting to do it. It's okay if you've changed your mind," Jack said.
"Is it? I'm sure I wanted to do this, I feel like I owe something to the person I was," Pacey said.
"Except that's you. Do you want to do this, have your own restaurant? Want, present tense," Jack said.
"I should have done this with Dawson," Pacey said.
"It sounds like you don't want to," Jack said.
"I don't know," Pacey said. He shrugged. "I don't know. I like cooking, I really like it. I like being my own boss, I assume. I've eased into running things at Leery's but that's just the weekend and I think I'm getting it down, but I think maybe the answer is I'm not sure what I want."
"Not sure means you can wait," Jack said. "No one else is making an offer on the Icehouse, not with all that rebuilding needed."
"Apparently I had a plan for that," Pacey said.
"Maybe wait until you can say with certainty you have a plan for that," Jack said. "You could probably renew your license or whatever if you wanted to go back to being a sleazy stock broker."
"No, I definitely prefer cooking. Although I made a ton of money, so that was nice."
"Everything nice you bought got repossessed because of that stock collapsing," Jack said.
"Wow, that was probably pretty humbling. Not as bad as getting shot, but humbling," Pacey said.
"Was getting shot humbling?" Jack started wolfing down the breakfast Pacey had bribed him with. Which Pacey was regretting a little right then.
"Humbling like, very aware of my own mortality, and my lack of control over the world, which I don't think I'd learned at 21," Pacey said.
"Nicely said," Jack said around his mouth full of waffles.
He told everyone one by one that he wasn't ready to go ahead with his own restaurant idea anymore. None of them tried to convince him he should. He even called Danny and actually reached him on the phone. "I can't believe we're talking," Pacey said. "I feel like you've been ducking my calls since I got shot."
"I have been," Danny said. "You got shot at my restaurant, Pacey."
"You didn't pull the trigger," Pacey said. "Trust me, I have no hard feelings. If I remembered everything, I don't think I'd feel differently. Though I'd probably be more pissed you ducked my calls."
"I'm not saying I'm not being an asshole," Danny said. "So why did you call?"
"Because I don't think I'm ready to own my own restaurant," Pacey said. "And you're an asshole. Come on, I look completely normal now."
"I wasn't scared of your scars," Danny said. "I was, a little. Fine, you little shit, I'm driving up."
Danny actually showed up at his apartment 4 hours later. "Okay, you're forgiven," Pacey said.
Danny hugged him hard until it was both uncomfortable and painful. "I'm actually seeing Joey again," Pacey squeaked out.
Danny let go and dropped onto the couch. "I know. Carter and Raul told me."
"My friends I don't remember who are still my friends," Pacey said. "Why did you drive here?"
"I don't want you to give up on the Icehouse idea," Danny said.
"I'm not giving up, I'm just not up to doing it right now. I'm years behind where I was before, Danny, I can't just pretend I didn't lose all of it," Pacey said.
"I know, I know. I figured it out when I was driving," Danny said. "I'm going to buy it and start working on it, and you can be my deputy owner out here. When you get up to speed, you buy me out."
Pacey rubbed his chin and thought. That's what reasonable mature people did, they listened and waited to respond. They didn't go off half-cocked and they didn't get swept up in people's praise. He sighed. "I think that could work, actually."
"Right?" Danny smiled and nodded. He looked so thrilled with himself.
Danny followed through the very next day, taking all of previous Pacey's plans and notes and going straight to Bessie. Then Danny dragged Pacey around, having Pacey sign a number of legal documents. It was a whirlwind until Pacey had a migraine and brought everything to a halt for Pacey. Danny forged ahead.
Then he went back to helping Danny pick contractors for the construction, going to Manhattan and shadowing Danny at his restaurant.
Carter waited outside for him when Pacey took a break. "Good to see you again, man," Carter said. "Do you remember me yet?"
"No," Pacey said, grimacing. "All I remember from those years these days add up to, like, 15 minutes total. And most of it is weird shit that I can't even place. A ceiling with a water stain, a blue plate."
"You should write poetry," Carter said. He lit a cigarette. "It's kinda stressing me out, though."
"My lack of memories?"
"You being here," Carter said. "Everything's remodeled in the kitchen, but I remember when you got shot, I came in the next day and there was blood everywhere."
"I'm sorry," Pacey said, grimacing again. "I didn't think back about it at all, Danny seems okay with it."
Carter laughed. "You used to know him better, bro, he's freaking out."
"Well, I feel like an asshole," Pacey said. "Sorry again."
"Don't be sorry, Pace," Carter said. "I'm just glad you're alive."
He told Joey about it the next day. "I hate that," Pacey said. "I hate I'm like some walking PTSD trigger for people I like and then I make them feel even worse because I don't even remember how to talk to them."
Joey held his arm and didn't say anything. Pacey said, "You don't want to hear this."
"I do," Joey said. "I do, I like when we talk about things that are real instead of Team Jen and Team Angie."
"Team Jen," Pacey said reflexively.
Joey said, "So you made an appointment for a tattoo, this is weird. Aren't you not a tattoo person?"
"I changed my mind," Pacey said. "Also it's not a tattoo, it's a pretty darned expensive tattoo. This guy is pretty highly recommended and I trust him with my skin."
"By who?" Joey squeezed his arm. "Do you secretly know Angelina Jolie and that's why you're Team Jen?"
"Carter and Raul did a bunch of research before they got theirs, thank you," Pacey said.
They went inside and Pacey sat down at the designated station. Joey said, "Why did you want me here for this? Are you trying to see if I'm afraid of blood?"
"So I'll be manly and not cry in pain in front of my girlfriend," Pacey said.
"You've cried in pain in front of me," Joey said. "I've seen you with migraines."
"Yeah, but that's real pain, if I cry now, I'm a wimp," Pacey said.
Joey rolled her eyes. The tattoo artist sat down took out the designs they'd already worked on. Joey said, "Is that your brain scan?"
"Yes it is," Pacey said, grinning. "The after damaged version. At least I know why I got this one."
He didn't even cry for all the time it took to do so he was clearly completely manly and Joey knew it.
Joey let him read her writing finally. She didn't tell him why he couldn't read it before and he'd decided not to push it. He was just glad every day they hadn't broken up. Her writing was incredible, just like he thought it would be. He said, "I love the part with the tree, why it was growing that way. It's so neat, I love your brain, Potter."
"Thank you," she said. She kissed him and ran her hand through his hair. She was always careful to avoid the scar, so it was always nice. "My professor thought it was corny, the way I first wrote it. And he was right, as annoyed as I was to admit it. But when I reimagined it, really thought about it, I saw how to write it better."
"Is this the professor who only likes ciphers with boobs?"
Joey smiled. "He's not all bad, I guess."
A year to the day after he was shot, Pacey sat down in his empty restaurant. It was empty because the Icehouse currently was only open all day on the weekends and breakfast only for the weekdays. They were doing pretty good. Carter had taken over for Pacey at the Leery's, and another guy Pacey used to know and couldn't remember was Pacey's back up at the Icehouse for migraine days and so Pacey didn't work 7 days a week. He was feeling more confident that someday, maybe even this year, he'd be ready to do this on his own. He wouldn't be who he was but he'd be ready.
He put the dvd in his laptop. He watched it over and over. There was Pacey who was actually 24 and was totally over Jen, there he was throwing himself in front of a bullet. There he was bleeding and unconscious and a pregnant woman was screaming, her mouth open. He assumed she was screaming, there wasn't sound on the security video. The poor lady had had her baby, somewhere out there, some poor baby was burdened with the name Sofia Pacey Gutierrez. Pacey had only seen pictures of the little lady, she was unbelievably adorable so she could probably take the weird middle name.
Then he watched the video again. It didn't feel like anything that had happened to him. He didn't recognize himself. He stood differently than that Pacey.
It was a weird way to spend the anniversary of not dying but almost dying, watching it happen over and over again. He turned it off as soon as he heard Joey coming into the restaurant. She put her arms around him from behind and said, "Are you really watching that video? I don't know why you wanted to see it."
Pacey shrugged. "It just seemed important to finally see it."
"You're better off not remembering it," Joey said.
"Says you," Pacey said. "But at least I'm here to complain about it."