Oblivion

"Who am I?"

It was one of the first questions he asked after the accident that had erased his memory. He asked it down in the Chamber of Secrets, when he regained consiousness, and he asked it many times after, until he knew that his name was Gilderoy Lockhart. But who was Gilderoy Lockhart?

He did not know about Gilderoy Lockhart, the teacher and author and superstar and public hero. Nor about Gilderoy Lockhart, the fraud and coward. Everyone knew better about him, than he did. All he knew was, he was some living being they called "Gilderoy Lockhart". Something that desperately wanted to live, although it knew nothing about life, about where it came from or where it was going to.

Oh, he knew something! He knew the bird in front of him. "Fawkes", as the friendly old man said. Fawkes had saved him from the dark hole in which his existence, as far as he knew it, had begun. They had flown through the air, it had been just like magic! "Magic", dimly remembered word from who-knows-when...

The friendly old man had taken him to this room, after he had been in two other rooms. He said they were waiting. For people to come and take Gilderoy with them, to a good place, as he assured. The friendly old man looked at him with a somehow sad smile.

Gilderoy smiled, too. He was not sad. He listened to Fawkes. Proud that he remembered the name, "Fawkes". And enchanted by the sweet song of the bird. "You are smiling?" asked the friendly old man whose name was too long to remember. "Yes", said Gilderoy dreamily, "Fawkes! His music is so beautiful." The old man looked at him with true interest. "So you can hear his song?" he asked. "Yes!" answered Gilderoy. Of course he could! He had not lost his ability to hear. The friendly old man put a hand on Gilderoy's shoulder and said softly: "When you came here for the first time, you could not. Only the innocent hear it." Gilderoy did not know what to make out of this. He was content listening to the bird.

The people came soon. They took him away from Fawkes and the friendly old man, far away from the place where they lived. To a new place, confusingly full of people. Odd people, but then, to Gilderoy, everybody was new and somehow odd. And people in limegreen robes, not less odd. They gave him a bed to sleep in and something to eat and drink and "potions". A word he should remember, he soon learnt, because "potions" of all kinds came back to him often. And then there were some names to remember. It took him a while until he knew them: Broderick and Agnes and Alice and Frank. People in his room. And three limegreen people: Miriam and Cornelia and Gregory. Healers. Almighty people with the right to give potions, to hex odd people and command them where to go and everything, simply everything.

It was interesting to watch how differently these three "healers" used the same rights. Miriam was always friendly and helpful. Her voice was always soft and she asked him to do things, like swallow ugly potions. Cornelia's voice was harsh and she made him do things. Such a lot of things! Gregory did not come around often, but when he did, the others were silent. His word was their command. His voice was neither soft nor harsh.

Miriam and Cornelia came every day. Miriam sat down on his bedside and had a lot of time and patience. She helped him learn things he had once known and then forgotten. Wonderful things like reading and writing, even joined writing. Reading opened up a whole universe to him. There were so many awesome things contained in the books. And writing became his favourite occupation when he regained a little bit of identity. Writing his own name! "Autographs", as Miriam called it. It was so reassuring to write it down and see it written down: "Gilderoy Lockhart". The proof that he existed. He was someone!

Cornelia did not have time for such things. She was always in a hurry and eager to test things on him, potions, hexes. She did not want him to learn things anew, but to remember. Absolutely convinced he would be able to regain his memory, which the others doubted. Always ready for any experiment to achieve this aim. "Experiments", one more word Gilderoy soon learnt to remember - and to hate. "Experiments" meant to be forced to do things. It meant, not to be "someone" any more. Just "something", yelled at, hexed with sometimes painful curses and exposed to any kind of awful potions. Something tied to a chair if necessary, so that the "experiments" could go on. Miriam cried when she saw it and she asked Gregory to make Cornelia stop it. But Gregory said he would give both healers their chance to get on with Gilderoy. He was not sure what an amount of progress would be possible with this patient and he wanted to know. Then, only then would he decide how to go on.

Months, even years went by, and both healers had their bit of success. Miriam made Gilderoy learn a lot of things and more and more gain a feeling of identity. Cornelia however, dubious as her methods might be, seemed to succeed in slowly bringing back his memory. Miriam taught Gilderoy who he was and who he could be. Cornelia had started to teach him who he had been. Gregory watched both with great scientific interest.

But then there was a day when Gregory's fascination for the case seemed to have suddenly vanished. The truth was, the Ministry didn't allow him too much scientific interest any more. Horrible things were going on outside and the victims of that war came to St. Mungo's en masse. People who had lost parts of their bodies or their minds or both. Gregory was not given any more time or money for that long-term case Gilderoy Lockhart. There was an ultimatum.

When he told the two female healers about it, they were both shocked. Miriam, after a while of thinking, decided that she would go on teaching Gilderoy, free of charge, as often as she could make it possible, in addition to her regular work. But Cornelia seemed to really freak out. No more money, meant no more expensive potions! And she had not yet tested them all on Gilderoy. "He is on his way to remember his past!" she cried out, "I cannot stop it now! How much time do we have left? And what will happen in case I don't succeed?" "One week", said Gregory, "and if you don't succeed, all experiments will be stopped and Gilderoy will remain here in the long-term ward for the rest of his life, under Miriam's care, without any hope of fully recovering. It's a pity not to study this unique case any further, but perhaps it's even a kind of mercy for Gilderoy." "One week", murmured Cornelia, "not much time, but better than nothing. I'll give him the final potion now. Normally I would have waited longer and made more experiments, just to make sure... This is a very strong potion. But as it is, I'll start using it now. Right now."

Five days later, Miriam and Cornelia talked to each other. "Poor Gilderoy was quite sick", said Miriam, "your potent potion made him suffer a lot. But I must admit that you were quite succesful. He has begun to remember. I would never have thought this possible to such an extent. In the end, maybe you were right all the time and it will do him good. Perhaps he would never have been a full human being if he did not have a past." Cornelia looked at her colleague with glittering eyes. "So he does remember, eh? What did he tell you?" "Oh, a lot of things! He is still quite confused about them, but he knows a lot of single facts. As time goes by, he will get an order into them and make them a whole, coherent memory." Cornelia fixed her with a sharp look. "What exactly does he say he remembers?" Miriam replied: "Details from his time as an author and from his time as a teacher! It's unbelievable! He suddenly knows he's been a star, having fans and all. Well, it takes a bit of his sweet innocence away from our Gilderoy, but then, it would be cruel not to allow him a past. Oh Cornelia, I'm sorry for everything I said about you. You are not an inhumane person, as I thought, but a true healer. You gave Gilderoy back his past. Soon he'll know everything."

A cold smile appeared on Cornelia's face. "Yes, he'll know everything. Even his crimes. There goes his sweet innocence. And to know, is to be responsible for. Two more days and Gregory and the committee from the Ministry will test Gilderoy's knowledge. In case he knew nothing, he would have been left to your overprotective care. But that train has departed, dear Miriam. As it is, he will answer for his past now. Me and the Ministry, we have arranged that aurors will be waiting outside to take him to Azkaban right after the test. How proud he will be - and then where it will bring him! And that, my dear naive colleague, was all I ever wanted." She walked out of the office triumphantly and left Miriam back, mouth wide open with disbelief of such calculating cruelty.

That evening, Gilderoy was given the very final potion. But it was not Cornelia who came to his bed with the well-known and abhorred goblet. Gilderoy stared at the healer: "You bring me my potion? You, Miriam?" He was very pale, from the sickening effect of Cornelia's potion and from the irritating memories that came back to his mind, one by one, not all of them pleasant or honourable.

"I do", she said softly, "but you can trust me. My potion will not cause you any pain." "I trust you", said Gilderoy, "you never caused me any pain." "Then drink! Drink my Lethe Potion!" And he drank.

"Who am I?"

"You are Gilderoy, dear. Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Where am I?"

"At a safe place. At a good place. With me, Gilderoy, forever. In the sweet realm of Oblivion."