A/N: This story was inspired by a video game my roommate was playing. Saints Row II in which the main character is kidnapped and against her will gets stoned. It cracked me up so I thought, hm, 'Wonder what it would be like if Commander Shepard got stoned?'

A/N: I'd like to thank Cloverdaze for not only beta reading this story but making it possible to be posted at all. (Yeah it was that bad.)

Disclaimer: I own no characters relating to this story. They all belong to BioWare, Inc. I made no money or profit from this story or idea.

Red Sand - Chapter 1

Three of Normandy's crewmembers pressed through the crowd of people in the open aired plaza. It was another beautiful day in Nos Astra on Illium. Commander Shepard and her two best buds, Liara T'Soni and Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, were headed to the shipping docks to intercept a crate of supplies – rumored to belong to the Blue Suns Gang. It was supposed to be a simple snag and grab task.

Just outside the loading docks Liara spied a new Prothean store in the city. Her pleading eyes turned to Shepard and before her mouth could even open Shepard said, "Go ahead but be careful! You never know who you might run into." Liara was so excited, how could Shepard resist pleasing the beautiful asari she had secret affections for?"

She laughed, "Oh really Commander? I think it is you, who should be careful. I'm not the one going into the shipping docks where there are about a thousand great hiding spots for an ambush." Shepard half-heartedly smirked, "Was that supposed to make me feel better? Seriously though, be careful, at least I've got super shot Tali."

Liara quickly scooted towards the new establishment as she playfully snapped, "Commander, I can always use my biotics!" Her fingertips glowed for a moment reminding the Commander that she was in fact a powerful asari. Tali piped in, "You know, technically she is more powerful than both of us put together." Shepard smirked at the pleasant idea.

Although Shepard knew deep inside that the Professor was completely capable of taking care of herself, it tugged at her gut that she wouldn't be there at her side, to make sure she was safe. She eventually shrugged it off as being an occupational hazard when having feelings for someone aboard your crew.

Tali nervously turned to face the shipping doors, and asked, hesitantly, "She was just kidding about that many hiding places right?" Shepard confidently grabbed her favorite assault rifle, Maggie and said, "Come on Tali, the faster we can get this crate, the faster we can meet Liara back here." Pleased to hear that Tali reported, "You lead Commander, I'll follow!"

As the two walked down the large warehouse Tali scanned the many containers that would make excellent ambush spots. The two hovered over a large gun metal colored crate. Shepard studied the box with her omni-tool. "This is it." Lowering her arm to her side the seasoned Spectre asked her fellow squad member, "Can you crack it?" Without any sign of doubt, Tali glared at her favorite commander. "Can I?"

Smirking, Shepard raised her omni tool, "How long?" She asked without looking at her crewmate. Tali lifted her own omni-tool and took only a second before she self-assuredly pronounced, "32.7 seconds Commander." Not at all surprised, the Commander knowingly toyed with the quarian's pride and asked, "Are you sure? This is a Triton Cypher lock. They can be quite difficult."

Without a hint of irritation in her voice, Tali commented, "Please Shepard. I can do this in my sleep." Proudly continuing, "You should know by now, give me scrap metal and some eezo and I can make things fly." Although Shepard knew for a fact Tali was more than capable of hacking such a device, she liked it when the young engineer showed off for her commander. Shepard readied her omni-tool to sync with Tali's and stated, "On my mark. Three, Two, One, Go!"

True to her word Tali had the Triton lock open in the promised time of 32 seconds. Shepard's smiled wildly and looked at her quarian friend, "32.9 seconds huh? Looks like you're slipping Tali." Tali barely glanced at Shepard before her focused returned to the crate. "I think something might be wrong with your omni-tool Commander." Tali teased. Shepard smirked at her friend and lowered her arm, "Perhaps you are right." They both shared a laugh before returning to the task at hand.

With a touch of a button, Shepard lifted the lid to the metal crate. Tali, leaned closer to the commander as they both peered inside. Shepard heard a low ticking noise before she slowly announced, "Oh shit". A large plume of red smoke engulfed the Spectre and Tali. Tali simply wiped a thin layer of red dust from her face mask while she saw Shepard's head disappeared in the red cloud of smoke. It was a moment before she realized that something wasn't right as Shepard's head hung low in the box and she started coughing heavily.

Tali dragged Shepard's limp body over to a nearby crate for protection as they were quickly pinned down by suppressing fire. Wryly noting numerous Blue Suns emerging from 'a thousand great hiding spots' and attacking from several angles; Tali thought how easy it would have been even without Liara's help for Shepard and herself to put down these mercs. Looking now at the incapacitated Commander slouched beside her however, quickly reminded Tali that thanks to the rigged crate, she was badly outnumbered and outgunned.

Frantically she called the asari, "Liara come quick! Something happened to Shepard!" A stunned Liara asked, "What happened?" Through the open communication channel on her omni-tool Liara could hear Shepard coughing hard in the back ground. Then the asari's eyes widened in fear as she heard gunfire in the background. In a stressed voice Tali spat, "We need help!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Once Liara arrived she immediately went to work assisting Tali against the mercenary gang and despite their Commander's attempt at assistance, by almost shooting Liara as the Spectre wildly waved her assault rifle around; Tali and Liara made quick work of the Blue Suns.

Liara, still unaware of what happened to Shepard, attempted to help the commander stand as Tali began relaying the details of the explosion while walking over to inspect the crate. Reaching into the container with one hand, the young engineer pulled up enough red sand to make a Volus plan their retirement party. Liara seeing what her quarian friend was doing quickly announced, "Red Sand! Oh Tali, move away from there."

"It's ok, because of my environmental suit, I am not affected," reassured Tali. The asari began to fully comprehend Shepard's predicament and asked, "How much of this was the Commander exposed to?"

"It practically blew up in her face." Liara smacked her hand to her forehead and started pacing, "Oh Goddess! This isn't good."

Looking back at the wobbling Commander and shaking her head Liara continued, "Well that explains why she's out of it." Tali, never hearing of the substance asked, "What is red sand?" Frustrated with the dangerous situation the Prothean Expert said, "It's a substance that stimulates the olfactory epithelium into opening a nucleotide ion channel producing an influx of anions that are used in the immediate bilateral processing of stimuli inhibition."

With a confused expression the quarian asked, "What does that mean?" Liara stopped her pacing and exclaimed, "She's high!" Raking her eyes over her commander, who had now slumped back to the ground giggling, "Very, very high!" Tali whimsically hummed, "Oh this is going to be interesting." Lifting Shepard to her feet again, who had no intentions of relinquishing Maggie, Tali nervously said, "Or very scary!"

Liara began to smack Shepard's face repeatedly as her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Shocked Tali asks, "What are you doing?" "I saw it in a human vid once. It helps them regain consciousness." "Oh I see!" Heeding Dr. T'Soni's obvious wisdom, Tali begins to smack the other side of the Commander's face until Shepard yells out, "Hey! Hey! Cut that out!" abrasively asking, "Why are you hitting me?" looking at the two women like they had lost their minds.

Attempting to raise the commander to her feet again, Shepard wobbles and cannot stand on her own, "Why can't I feel my legs? Why do you look funny Tali?" Glancing around as the words left her lips she asks, "Why is everything so…. funny looking?" Annoyingly, she removes her arms from their grasp and falls against a crate, her head bobbling in confusion, "Why can't I feel my legs?" She examines them to discover the reason for the weird sensation. Then, touching her face and tongue it dawned on her, "Why can't I feel anything?"

Slowly she starts to drift down the side of the crate. Tali and Liara both reach for Shepard as her head flops uncontrollably backwards. Tali let out a small snicker as she tried to lift the Commander to her feet again. Looking over at the quarian, Liara smiled and said, "I think we need to get her back to the ship right away." Sheepishly Tali agreed, "I concur and the faster the better before the Alliance hears about this."

As she watched herself being lifted off the ground, Shepard declared, "The Alliance can stick it where the solar moon doesn't shine." Without skipping a beat Shepard excitedly added, "Wow those are really pretty lights up there." Three sets of eyes scanned upwards as Shepard announced, "Hey guys watch this!" The skilled soldier began to take aim with Maggie when Liara placed her hand on Shepard's and spat out the first thing that popped in her mind. "Shush, you'll scare the dust bunnies."

Happy with the irrational statement Shepard lowers her weapon and says, "Oh, that makes sense. Don't want to disturb them now do we?"