Title: Scream
Disclaimer: I own NCIS... Yeah right, would be nice if I could put that above my stories, don't you think? Neither do I own the song, it's from ZOEgirl.
Spoilers: Yes, but just slightly, from Kill Ari, Judgment day, Aliyah, Truth or Consequences and some dialog from Good Cop, Bad Cop.
Although for my story everything post Truth or Consequences never happened.
Summary: Do I have to bleed for you to see me? Ziva-centric fanfic. Quite dark.
Warnings: Non graphic mention of child abuse.
A/N: I did not follow the series very closely, especially in the end. It is a songfic, but please read it. I normally hate songfics myself: but it just fit in this time.
Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
"Somalia… It just shook me up a little." she said, as cheerfully as possible. They did not need to know, her real state of mind had to stay hidden. Why would they be interested anyway?
But Somalia did not shook her up; it hurt her, tormented her. It destroyed Ziva, until there was nothing left. But who is to doubt reassuring words of a former Mossad operative?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
It was as if she saw people flying through the air before she saw the flash, heard the explosion. It came from the alley, the alley Tali had just disappeared into. Ziva saw the scarf, worn by her sister just a minute ago, being blasted through the air. It swirled down to the ground.
Then she felt the blood tickling down her cheek, and saw the damage the shards of glass had done to her clothing and skin. She sank down upon the street.
An hour later she found herself in her fathers office, no, the Directors office, yelling at the man behind the desk.
"Why Tali? You gave her the op, you have always favored her over me… Why? It is your fault she died." She realized grief made her talk with a desperate voice, her sentences appearing incoherent.
Eli David stepped from behind his desk and walked over to his daughter. When he grabbed her arm she flinched away, a reflex after years of punishment. Something Tali, luckily never endured.
"Maybe I just loved her more. She deserved more than you do." He wanted to hurt her, he hated this woman in front of him. "She was a better daughter of mine. I will never see you as such."
He knew she already hurt, he used it. His hand opened and reclosed over the obvious most hurtful wound. She winched. "You take over the op, but maybe you should do as Tali. Get blown up. I'm done with you."
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
They identified their target quickly, locating him was more difficult. Although the observation took excruciating long, they were now ready for action.
As soon as she tried to kick in the door, she knew this was wrong. The door blocked, where it had been unlocked and easy to be moved when they had tried it earlier.
She heard gunfire around her and felt a bullet pierce her shoulder as she gave the door one more angry kick. The lock broke and with a huge blast the house was gone.
When she was in his office again, he looked up. He hissed, "You're here, means you messed up." And he handed her a file. "Your new assignment, you fly out to America tomorrow. Eliminate the target."
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
"He is dead." Her words were cold, icy. His eyes were on fire.
"I do not know how you dare to shoot your own family. I know that man did not pull the trigger." He said, walking over to her. She crumbled under his kicks and punches, as always, not fighting her father.
"I do not want to see you again, you will go back to America, the plane leaves in thirty minutes."
She stood up, not once flinching, not showing a single emotion: he trained her well.
"Do not consider coming back alive." She did not stop at his words.
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
Her position was hated by everyone. She was sure, she knew. Maybe the only ones with another opinion were Director Shepard and later Gibbs.
She did not see the change in attitude that came over the team, through out those years. For her they were like her father: when in public, awfully quiet in their hate.
Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
'They blame me, I know they do.' It was always on her mind, and her father seemed to share a similar opinion. The undercover op in Morocco would not end well, he knew beforehand, so he sent her.
Leaving Israel behind, she came back again. But felt even more excluded, like an outcast. They did not want her here, did they?
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
After she brought Rivkin's body back, he told her to stay. He had been watching her, she became too much like an American, a tread to him. Even though he had once told her to leave, she would not leave Israel again. She conceded, knowing she would be out on a suicide mission within a month. But she did no longer care. She said her goodbyes.
So I can breath again
I'm on my knees
Saleem overpowered her, tortured her. But she just welcomed it. Her goodbye to Gibbs, had been her goodbye to live, which was a thing she did not deserve.
She proofed it on the Democles. She was without a soul and something, someone, like her did not deserve to live.
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I have to scream?
She grieved for the team, although she doubted they would grieve for her. She grieved for the team she had lost with a peck on her cheek
She knew she forced him to her fathers will, she made his choice for him. Her inside screamed, this time she was sure she would not survive her fathers evil.
I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep, and afraid of the dark
They had rescued her, but she was certain they saw her as her father had done: damaged goods.
She went to his basement, as he had been to most humane of all people in this world.
When she sat down on the lower step, she saw his head turning her way. His mind no longer at the task of sharpening his tools. The chisel cut deep into his hand.
One drop of blood from the hole in your hand
Is enough to heal me, and make me stand
She stood up and walked over to him, putting pressure on the wound, to get it to close.
In his eyes she saw she had been wrong for all these years.
'Cause I'm clean, he is listening to me
He did care, she only did not know what that was, what it meant, how it was shown. Her father never taught her love. The team, and especially he, did not hate her. They cared, loved her.
Bandaging the cut, she began to talk.
"You know, after I said goodbye, I was ready to die. I wanted to die. I went to Somalia with that intention. My soul had died already, years before."
I don't have to scream for him to hear me
I don't have to bleed for him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, he is listening to me
When she finished telling her horrifying memories of Saleem, day by day, torture by torture, physically and mentally reliving her pain, he stood up, pulling her up with him.
Her story had been long and painful, and did not leave out a childhood filled with abuse. It had put a new person on top of his hit list.
His hands cupped her face. "Your father isn't a good guy, he is dirty. He always was and always will be. He raised you to be a ruthless, soulless killer…You said you wanted to die out there, part of you did.
"You are the strongest person I know, what is left of you can survive this and become stronger than before. Do not give him the pleasure of destroying you completely.
"Love is always stronger than hate, Ziva."
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
"Never again, Ziva."
'Cause I'm clean, he is listening to me
And I don't have to scream
Please review! - MNMie
A/N2: I know Scream is an Christian song and does no refer to Eli David of Gibbs as God or Jezus, it just had to fit into my story (as both Ziva and I are not Christian). Not meant offensive.