A/N: This is so sad… I'm parodying my own fic Dodging Menace. Don't leave if you haven't read that fic, because this fanfic will still make sense. This is a parody of a section in chapter three, when Elfangor rings Elayura, his girlfriend on the Andalite homeworld. This fic is a mix of parody, sonfic, insanity fic and music video. It came very close to having self insertion in that list.
Go read Dodging Menace, go!! *poke poke stab*
Here's a very brief explanation if you don't want to go to Dodging Menace: Elfangor has been sent to Earth on very short notice. His girlfriend Elayura lives with him on the Andalite Homeworld, and she didn't know about it until Elfangor contacted her from the Dome Ship. He told her not to worry, and that he hoped he'll be back soon. Their conversation was cut short because the communication line was needed.
Disclaimer: the references to Ax/Marco slash, Prozac and depression are for humour purposes only.
Warning: involves many perverted and repeated jokes.
Note: the stuff in italics are song lyrics. The stuff in ::these:: are my – I mean, the narrator's - comments.
* * *
Elfangor went to the nearest communication terminal to dial home. A hologram of Elayura appeared, and she never fails to hold Elfangor breathlessly in awe of her beauty.
(Roses and lilies dance in the background, and their fragrance could be smelt, despite the obvious lack of wind. Did you honestly expect any better from this fic?)
Let me tell you the story 'bout the call that changed my destiny…
Oh Elfangor! Where are you! Hello?
Darling, I'm sorry I couldn't notify you earlier – Hi, it's me… what's up baby? I'm sorry, listen. I'm gonna be late tonight so don't stay up and wait for me, okay?
::You're sorry? As if you could have notified her earlier, what with waking the cranky woman up at three in the morning…::
Sweetheart are you alright? Oh good. Where are you?
I'm on a mission. Don't worry, it isn't something particularly dangerous. I just have to patrol Earth, basically. I hope I'll be back soon. I love you. listen, if you can hear me. We're going to a place near by alright… gotta go!
I love you too, and I'll miss you. When will you be back?
User on terminal sixteen, we need the line! He really couldn't talk for any longer, his time was short. I think my battery must be low
Soon. Then he decided to be more honest. Actually, I have no idea. I love you, Elayura, and I always will. I have to go now… I love you.
This sounds like a goodbye to me. What are you getting yourself into? Please Elfangor –
::haha, I wonder what he's getting himself into this time. He does always get into something, doesn't he?::
I have to go –
::no you don't::
Me and my boys went out
Elfangor and other warriors were on the Dome Ship, on their way to Earth. It was a pointless mission, really, if it could be called a mission at all. All they were required to do was to patrol Earth.
Just to end up in misery
Confrontations… angry commanders… he didn't even know if the Andalite called Diwwalt was really even a commander. His son Tobias was acting weird, and his brother was supposedly homosexual. So many complications and problems…
They said hi, I got a little place nearby, wanna go?
::The Dome Ship – little? How insulting.::
That Tuhriham officer had come up to him at the wee hours of the morning and asked him to 'inspect' the new Dome Ship. Sure, he didn't know he was up for a mission. But once he got there he could still have refused. Now why why why did not he?
::because the author needed him to be in character::
::also because the author was desperately trying to make an excuse for why he was on the Dome Ship in the beginning of the story, which was part of the Challenge criteria for the fic::
I should've said no, someone's waiting for me.
::Are you absolutely sure that she waits for you? I mean, she could be doing numerous slightly more entertaining things…::
I mean, he had a lifestyle and girlfriend to consider. To go on a mission no longer meant just risking his own life.
But I called my girl up and said
Listen baby I'm sorry
Just wanna tell you don't worry
I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me
Say again, you're dropping out, my battery is low
Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby.
Gotta go!
Wait! I have something to tell you! I'm pr –
Now time has gone, nothing gets won I can't take back what's done is done
::Here goes, take safety measures.::
No! NOOOO! You're pregnant? You're pregnant?! How can this be? We didn't even do it that often! And we often calculate the timing and… Oh my… oh… I can't believe this is happening again –
What the hell are you talking about… will you just LISTEN?
*loud sob* But it's not fair! I have two beautiful children yanked out of my grasp! All I ask for is just to see them… kiss them… hold them… father them… have a chance to love them *gulp* Is that too much to ask? Is it? Oh WHYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
I'm not pregnant, you stupid idiot! I'm…. Sudden drum roll is heard from no traceable source. Priceless!! Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuhhn!! Hahaha, bet you didn't know that!
Oh how dare you, you arrogant woman! Then sarcastically, and praiseworthy too
Oooh yeahhh, baby!
Look, if you're going to waste my time…
Elfie… that's not it. I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry. I was a coward… but I am going to tell you now. I'm… I'm pre-menstrual.
So?
Alright, look. I'll stop making silly excuses. *inhale*… I meant to tell you that… well…
One of her friends found out that she wasn't my only one
Oh God, this can't be happening. She's pregnant with someone else's child? Elfangor felt his hearts breaking. Wasn't he good enough? There was only one reason for Elayura's current state that he could think of – that Elayura's friend told her about his affair with Loren despite promising to keep Elfangor's secret that day when he was crying into her arms…
And it eats from inside that she's not by my side
Hmmpf, what did he care anyway! Loren certainly wouldn't have betrayed him for such a reason. Loren was so much better.
(close-up on Elfangor's angst-ridden face) Oh Loren… where art thou?
…Prozac-addicted. Yes I'm so sorry! Oh how can I make it up to you! That everything I've given you was stolen. I'm using all your cash on Prozac.. *hysterical sobs*
Oh my darling! Are you depressed? How long have you been depressed? Oh sweetie, how could I have been so… so blind? So clueless? So selfish? I never did you justice, my beautiful angel.
And Elayura, seizing the opportunity: Yes, exactly. You never gave me my own space, and suffocate me with your possessiveness. Your criticism lowers my self esteem. Your sexual performance is horrible. You don't understand me. You don't try to see things from my perspective… you gotta see it from my perspective… What am I gonna do, with my life… ::ookay, this doesn't belong here *snip*::
…You don't respect my opinions. You don't let me express myself. You don't –
Hang on a minute… isn't Prozac an alien anti-depressant?
*pause* You're right, that doesn't really work. Honey, what I really meant to tell you is that… I'm protein deprived.
Oh how could I! I never gave you enough protein! I should have gotten you more! You need more snails in your diet. Graze in wet weather! More slugs… ew, I'm thinking of a different type of slug.
Slugs all taste nice.
…nevermind.
They do! Mmmm…
…
MMMMmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm…
A piano fell onto Elfangor's head from a tree. You didn't have oral with Visser Three right?
…oral?
Human equivalent of… you know.
What??!! How can you get so perverted you *beep* *beep* *BeeeEEeeEEPP!*
Sorry.
It's true - I'm preening myself.
What?
That was what I wanted to tell you.
Oh. I couldn't care less. You spend three hours each day preening anyway. ::Shush shush, she's in denial.::
I know, I take care of my appearances for you, and look how much you appreciate it! Nobody loves me!
I in no way implied that! I cannot express my supreme appreciation! I lo –
Okay okay. Would you believe me if I said I was Pro-British?
Do you know what Pro-British means?
No. Damn, you're good, how do you pick out all my lies? I'm *inhale* *inhale* *inhale* *inhale*
Are you alright? The puffer's in the bottom drawer! Don't faint on me! The spare puffer's in the second last bottom drawer. The spare to the spare puffer's in the shower. The spare to the spare to the spare –
I'mpreteenbutinevertoldyoubecauseiwantedtofuckyourbrainsout!
Elfangor's usually intelligent and quick Andalite brain took a full ten seconds to comprehend that. In which the monologue went as follows:
You're PRE-TEEN? You little stupid little… *pant* *gasp* You little… *pause* You're damn right you never told me! I'll teach you little miss to not tell me things! Why don't you trust me wahhhhh… *pause* oh look she says 'because'! She's actually gonna make an excuse for this! How thoughtful… *pause* *keeps on pausing*
*pause hasn't ended yet*
*nope, not yet.*
*Still hasn't stopped pausing.*
Oh god… oh god… oh god…. *moan* Elfangor clutches his chest and falls to the ground in slow motion. He hits the ground soundlessly. He stays unmoving for a few seconds before spasming, lifting his head, letting out a pained howl before his head hit the ground again, for good measure.
Silence.
Then chaos: The directors (yes, directors, they suddenly appeared) rushed onto the scene and frantically tried to revive Elfangor, wailing about what their manager would do to them if they lost the alien. An annoying adolescent with long auburn hair started screaming about the necessity of preventing the author from coming into the scene as she (the author) will ruin everything. Everyone was annoyed, who did the lady think she was, bossing everyone around? Probably the wrong time of the month… those less cynical would notice that since her sister's disappearance she's been stressed. 'Poor dear,' they would say.
And amid all this frenzy…
Jinako-chan: I knew it! I just KNEW IT! Hah! Who believed me when I told them? NO ONE! Hah! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah… I just knew she was pre-teen! That author was in hopeless denial. Hah! You all see my true power NOW! Hah…
Four men in white coats came over and dragged the kicking and screaming M/A obsessee away. And all peace and harmony was restored. Until…
A helpful Phoenix_sol: Oh you poor gentlemen, she must be hard to handle. Put her in this cupboard, here. Or stuff that cushion in her mouth. Or this cupboard. This drawer isn't too bad, if she can fit. Or that drawer. Or that one! Hang on, let's see… I've got a wardrobe too. Hang on, it's here somewhere… not here… not here… Mu-u-m! Where's that wardrobe we bought while furniture shopping? Not the ugly one, the other one! Grr… where is it! And I swear I had four pianos hanging on that tree over there…
::Wait a minute... wasn't Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul hit on the head by a…::
Andre: *cackling in sadistic glee* Bwuahahahaha! Die Andalite die! Bang, squish, HAHAha! *eyes glow red* Aaaaaand the Andalites shall allllll be mine... *hiss* (screen freeze)
Just then Aximili walks onstage, keen on slicing Andre's tender human flesh… when he sees Jinako-chan.
Aximili approaches Jinako-chan menacingly as a huge poster of Marco is thrust before him.
Aximili: *potential drool, due to lack of mouth* Delicious…things… Marco, would cinnamon taste good on you… ooo…yooo...!!!!
The auburn haired lady: Cut it out! Stop that! Ey, this is out of control!
::silence::
Oh, and of course the silence was deafening. It was thick and smothering and everyone would rather someone yelled. So one brave young lady decided to break the silence.
Jinako-chan: I have a confession to make.
Nova Mist: NO! I have a confession to make… Jinako-chan didn't do it, I did it! She's just sacrificing herself for me –
Jinako-chan: …you wish.
Nova Mist: I… I… spread a thin layer of chocolate and cinnamon on that poster.
::silence::
Oh, and of course the silence was deafening. It was thick and smothering and everyone would rather someone yelled.
Nova Mist: That was supposed to be a portrait of me. I wanted Ax to… to…you know. *pause* I know this turned out to be a life sized portrait of Marco. I don't know what happened. I… asked Angel of Music to draw me. I trusted her because… her views are often similar to mine.
(Mournful music is heard.)
Nova Mist: HOW COULD YOU BETRAY THAT TRUST!!! *sniffle sob wahh etc*
Angel of Music: I did draw it. I gave it to Jinako-chan to look at, and left it at her house for a night. I don't know what happened…
::silence::
One by one, everyone turned to gawp at the utter stupidity of Angel of Music's act. Excluding Elfangor, who was writhing desperately under the weight of the piano.
Nova Mist: you WHAT!?
(camera focuses on Jinako-chan, tilting down, making her look timid and vulnerable.)
Jinako-chan: *whimpers* Stop looking at me like that.
Jinako-chan: STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!
(A flood of various peculiar sharp and blunt objects are seen flying toward the screen at an unnerving speed before the screen goes black)
Static.
A/N: Don't judge Dodging Menace by this fic… thank you! Review! Flame away if you wish! Did anyone figure out who the stressful and annoying auburn haired lady is? =P