The Skeptic
( A parody of the parody of Medea)

The actress who will play the skeptic comes out and makes the following introduction:

Actress: Hello, I am she who will be the skeptic. That is, I shall be the female supporting role from that famous stereotype by the human race for you.

I attended a medical school known as Berkely. At this school, I had medical training, which means we start at the top of the head, a very good place to cut. An autopsy. How many of you in the audience have ever witnessed an autopsy. How many of your wives have been in an autopsy? Are there any volunteers here this evening?

As a doctor who's studied the textbooks, one of the first things you learn in medical school is that there are more cadavers of men than there are of women. This is a wonderful thing for you, because it is true in the big cities as well. Except for on The X files and Unsolved Mysteries. At medical school, in order to compensate for the loss, the doctors every year get to slice on either a dead politician, or a theater dummy. This prepares us for long cuts on early mornings or evening shifts. Although the world is safer now, and we have nothing to do.

Tonight, we would like to have you witness one of our more favorite medical moments, Little Green Men. And now, as we don our gas masks and safety goggles, we give you a moment from our recent history.


The actress exits and here enters the three men who will play the Lone Gunmen, They are dressed in...old clothing. Most of the time, they speak nonsense. Sometimes, they don't speak at all. For the most part, they act as if everything is out to get them. They need no help at all...let them make asses of themselves.

Lone Gunmen:
So skeptical, so skeptical.
Her need for information.
No more shall we e-mail her at home,
or send things from our computer.

Frohike:
But I love her.

Lone Gunmen:
Oh, no, oh no, oh no.
We are so afraid of our big government.
So paranoid, so hidden, such gloom.
Mulder, who wants the truth.
Scully, who thinks too much.
Mulder and Scully!
How did she get one liver out of one bloody cavity?
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Here she comes now.

Frohike:
Toga, toga, toga!

Scully:
My scalpel flies!
Piercing thy head.
What do I, Scully, gain from cutting any longer?
Oh, I love cutting.
To take that knife, wait for the man to die.

Lone Gunmen:
But tell us what you're really saying.

Scully:
My partner, Mulder-a handsome guy-has been assigned to other duties. Wire-tap.

Lone Gunmen:
Wire-tap, oh what a trap.
That wire tap, that hell.

Scully:
He is alone in some old building, located on east sixty-sixth and columbia.
Damn it all! And the F.B.I! And the man who put him there!
I am here at Berkley, cutting a cadaver. A great situation, but for
me. But I am skilled with scalpels. Today, three of my bodies I
shall gut down fast. John Doe, and Jane Doe, and Dil doe as well!

Lone Gunmen:
Speaking of your partner, in he comes now.

Mulder:
Hello, Scully.

Scully:
Hello, Mulder.

Mulder:
I hear you've been having success here.

Scully:
(Nodding)
Very dead, these folk.

Mulder:
And these others?

Scully:
Very stiff, those. And the wire-tap?

Mulder:
I'm very busy.

Scully:
Some stakeouts should be switched regularly. At dawn.

Mulder:
Scully, even though you're here and I'm there, the work that
we've been doing- pursuing the truth- shouldn't be put off.
I will continue to hunt as long as the truth is out there, but you've got to help me.
Do an autopsy.

Scully:
Fine, keep at it some more! We're not partners now,
and still you ask me.

Lone Gunmen:
Men are from Mars,
Scully's been to Venus.

Mulder:
Well, I'm sorry! I'll call you from the car and try my best to get us back together.

Scully:
Go! I've got people to gut...you're obsessed with your quest for what isn't there
Mulder, go, and go without me.

Mulder:
(exits)

Scully:
I don't know what I should do! Mulder, help for sure.

Lone Gunmen:
(unison)
Mulder's gone, oh no, Mulder's gone.
Right now, Scully's here.
She's cut a brain stem...Mulder's gone.

Scully:
But also my work. Never shall these corpses see me again!
Oh, no...I shall freeze these bodies.
(To the Lone Gunmen)
What do you think of that?

Lone Gunmen:
(In unison)
Smart doctor, gorgeous body.
(Frohike stares)
Stop it, Frohike. Stop it, Frohike!
You can cut one pancreas, or just stop at the liver.
Make up your mind.

Scully:
Why are you guys still here...and you're bothering me!

Lone Gunmen:
We don't know Scully as well as we know Mulder.

Frohike:
(singing)
Scully,
we once found a chick named Scully.
I gave her just a peck,
and then she cracked my neck.

Scully:
Bring me another body.

Lone Gunmen:
Oh, Scully, you're a doctor. To embrace your own scalpel,
slice on the half-frozen body. The number you have
reached cannot answer at this time. Call 911, now.

Scully:
(really, really pissed)
I want to cut this body! I want to see my brother. I want to sleep
with my partner, I want to visit my mother!
I want to talk to my father! I need an additional outlet for all my anger!

(Enter a UPS man, carrying a clipboard)

UPS Man:
I have a message for a...Scully. Baseball is dead.

Lone Gunmen:
Baseball is dead! My god! Why baseball??

UPS Man:
Sorry, wrong Scully. Um...Dana.
(Looks at paper)
Christopher Carter wants you to know that David Duchovny is
being paid a large sum more than you, and you should
resign your contract, if you're not involved with another production.

Scully:
Chris Carter? I do not need a contract. I need a
tight red speedo.

(Music. Enter Mulder, wearing a tight red speedo and swim cap with goggles)

Mulder:
Oh, Scully, oh Scully.
I'm wearing a tight-red speedo
In a swimming pool I would look so much better,
but for now, just use your imagination.
Autopsies are usually about dead things, are they not?
I wear a speedo.
I am cute, I am sexy, I am cute, I am sexy, I am---
I am the man of your dreams.
Do not cut that body, do not see your brother. Do not...sleep with
your partner?? Do not visit your mother. You can't talk
to your father. Clean up your hands and go home. The X files have been re-opened.
I have been put in the basement. You have the open spot as my partner.

Lone Gunmen:
(knowingly)
His partner.

Mulder:
Soon I will come back to you.
I see the insults I just gave. I have been hypnotized.

Lone Gunmen:
Oh, there you go, Scully. Suggestive and gullable.

Scully:
Oh, Mulder, oh, Mulder.
Oh, Skinner. Oh, scalpel and razor!

Lone Gunmen:
Razor, razor, razor, razor.

Scully:
I'm thrilled, I'm ecstatic.

Lone Gunmen:
That which you hoped would happen did happen.
Forget about Mulder...Frohike loves you.
The government knew all along...
Do da, do da.

Scully and Lone Gunmen:
(Frohike puts his arm around her neck, she shrugs it off)
And Scully's slicing the whole day long,
Oh, the do da, day.
Everything is fine!
No need to use your scalpel.
So Scully's feeling giddy now,
Oh, the do da day.

(Big finale)

Oh, the do-da.
We saw Buddha.
He's not dead, he just went home and,
Oh, the do da,
Slice that gouda.
Oh, the do da,
do da day!

(END)
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