Hey guys. So, I don't know how many of you remember my oneshot- All These Lives- and how I said I'd possibly make it into a multichapter? Well, this is it. I deleted it for a short period of time- there were some things I wanted to add/fix, but I think it's as good as it can get at this point. Anyway- this is also centered around a song- The Only Reason, by 5 Seconds of Summer- please try to listen to it while you read this. I'm in love with that band (I'm slightly obsessed with Ashton Irwin. Just slightly) and I'm going to be using quite a few of their songs in this. Another thing- this story is going to be dark. I've planned most of it out- and believe me- it's in no way pretty. Trigger warnings for- suicidal thoughts, self-harm, depression, and physical/sexual abuse. Enjoy.
"Torn in two..and I know I shouldn't tell you, but I just can't stop thinking of you...wherever you are..." - "Wherever You Are" by 5 Seconds of Summer
Logan has officially run out of tears. There is reason to cry- but it sees like he physically can't. His tear ducts are empty, but the feeling of loss stays with him. Its pain will never run out- that grief rolls in the pit of his stomach, its daunting claws gripping his mind with each step he takes. There is no escape from the monster inside of him- the one that prowls his mind, sending demons to strike at the worst possible times. Running on a hamster wheel is entirely counterproductive- no matter how hard you work, you won't get anywhere- and that is an exact representation of Logan's feelings. He's tried so hard to ward off the demons- but no matter what he does, no progress is made.
It had never occurred to him, never once crossed his mind- how hard they would fall with only three. Many groups can go on with only three members- the Three Musketeers are a prime example- but Big Time Rush is only able to survive as a quartet. A quartet that has been missing the last person for eighteen months. Eighteen long, agonizing months.
Eighteen months doesn't seem like a long time- but that's only through a glance from the surface. Surviving without the glue that holds them together is conveyed in a mixture of emotions, all blurring together. In Logan's eyes- one particular emotion sticks out, and that is numbness. Emptiness- the feeling of being completely hollow of any emotion. Maybe that's why it doesn't hurt when he slices sharp metal through his soft skin- not anymore, at least.
It's thought that the remaining three people will grow much closer- if the fourth is missing, gone, or anything of the sort- and honestly, Logan wishes that would've happened to him and his friends. If anything, they drifted further apart- so much so that any memories he has of Carlos are shrouded in the numerous arguments they've been subjected to.
One person can have so much impact on life- and that honestly scares Logan. James' kidnapping has affected all of them in such a negative way- suicide seems to be the only way out. The only way to cope. And he honestly doesn't know how he's held himself together for eighteen months, but Logan is done.
Strength comes from desire- if you want to reach a goal, you will have the strength needed to achieve that height. Logan's goal is to die- and the spell-binding truth is that he has more than the amount of strength needed to kill himself. He could do it and make it look like an accident- cutting too deep mistakenly isn't hard. He knows that every time he presses the blade to his wrist- there is a chance that he could cut deep. There's a chance he could kill himself- and although it is a thought meant to scare him- it only feeds his desire. He is full capable of killing himself at this very second.
And it can be done in just one fluid motion.
Kendall doesn't know when things got this bad. He has no idea when every day became a fight. A fight for survival- a fight, just to get through the fourteen hours he spent surrounded by people. The other ten were supposedly for sleep- but Kendall can't remember the last time he's slept properly. It's all a blur- he's been accustomed to exhaustion- used to feeling like he could drop dead at any second. And he wishes he could say it's because of stress- he fucking wishes he could claim it's because of loud noises the neighbors make when he's trying to sleep at night. But that isn't the case.
He lays awake- contemplating the exact day James was taken. Images of James- locked in a dark, dirty basement- cold, hungry, and bleeding- they flash in his mind like a horror movie. It's all one hundred percent real- and that's what gives him so many nightmares. Even if James isn't locked in some dirty basement, he is still getting tortured in some way. If he's alive- that is.
Kendall isn't a pessimist. In fact- he's known to be the light that guides their group through the darkest tunnels. But it's hard to be any type of optimistic, when the missing fourth of your group has been gone for eighteen months, with no sign of return. Kendall has no idea whether he's even alive or not. And that's what fuels his incessant fear- that is the reason for Kendall's breakdown. Losing James- to death- would break him in ways he isn't sure human beings can be broken.
And if he's being overdramatic about his- so fucking be it. Try losing one of your brothers for eighteen months- and see how you cope. In his eyes, Kendall's surprised he's managed to hold himself together for this long. Maybe it comes with being the leader- locking up every emotion possible, until the pressure rises up, and he explodes. That explosion- Kendall knows it's coming. He knows that there will be a day when he erupts- like a volcano, and it'll terrify Carlos and Logan.
He always thought that he was the glue holding Big Time Rush together- but it is actually James. Kendall may be the unofficial leader, but James was everything to them. Mediator, protector, comforter- he wasn't just a pretty boy obsessed with girls and his looks- although that was the perception of many. God, James was so much more than that- and Kendall hates that no outsider saw how amazing he really was.
He hates using past tense to refer to James. But as of right now- the assumption that he's dead is accepted. They don't know whether he's alive or not- so people have begun to assume him dead. They've killed him. Kendall should be angry- he should be fucking furious- that people have the audacity to say something like that about a brother of his.
But maybe- just maybe- Kendall has started to agree with them.
Carlos is sick of pretending that he's okay. He's sick of acting like he's accepted that James isn't coming back- because there is a part of him that believes that James will come home. There's a part of him that believes that James is just waiting for the right moment to grace them with his presence again. To mend the scars, and heal the wounds, and make them whole again. And when did it become a crime to hope? When did it become a crime to have some kind of faith in his brother? He knows that James is strong. And he knows that his brother will not go down without a fight.
And then the statistics take effect. He's been gone for eighteen months, with no mention of whether he's even on the planet or not, anymore. And to a lot of people- that is enough to consider James dead. And Carlos just wants to scream in their faces- he wants to protest, that James is alive, and that he will come home. He won't let his father kill him. James is alive- Carlos needs to believe it.
But both Kendall and Logan have lost hope. Logan lost it the week after James was kidnapped- turned into an angry, bitter asshole. He changed so much- and Carlos wants his old best friend back. Kendall's changed too- becoming a lot more withdrawn and quiet than he used to be. It's almost as if he's scared of Carlos and Logan. But Kendall is never scared, so that doesn't make any sense to him.
But really- Carlos is just broken. A former shell of himself- withered away and just plain shattered. James completes him- and he has no idea what to do with himself, now that James has been gone for so long. He feels so incomplete- like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, without the jelly. That's just plan wrong- isn't it? Just like it's just wrong for him to exist without James. This entire situation is fucked up.
Carlos just wants things to go back to the way they were. He misses James more than he can even say- and he doesn't know how he's going to be able to survive without him. He doesn't know how much longer it'll be before he kills himself- how much longer it'll be before the build up of pain is far too much for him to handle. He can tell it'll be soon. Carlos is just tired of being strong- tired of trying to hold himself together, when there's no point.
There's no point in living without James. James is his older brother- the reason he used to get up in the morning. James had the power to cheer him up when he was upset, the power to help him get girls, and mainly the power to keep them from falling apart. And it's obvious that they need him. He can't stop fighting with Logan- even though it's completely pointless and over useless shit.
Now…how exactly can one commit suicide?
James is an absolute mess. Exhaustion plagues his fever-ridden mind, as he attempts to shift his body into a position that is not positively painful. The darkness of the basement isn't helping- he can barely see two feet in front of him. The only time light hits is corneas- is when…when…he…drags him upstairs, and does things to him… Things James could only classify as vile, disgusting, and purely sick. He doesn't know how his father can be such a cruel, sick, and twisted man, but he's feeling the effects of it.
He's been through a lot- so much pain and torture and pure agony- he knows that it's been over a year. Over a year since he was taken from his bedroom on that snowy night. He's seen the missing person fliers put up outside for him. He knows how broken his brothers are- it's obvious that they are not okay. His father has made sure to fill him in on every last detail- and even though it isn't the way he'd prefer to get information- he's getting it somehow.
James is in pain- that's a given. He's traumatized by what's happened to him- that's inevitable. But part of him is just hanging on for the guys. For Kendall. For Carlos. For Logan. Part- no, all of him- is just hanging on for them. He has hope that he'll be found- and he promised himself he wouldn't be found dead. That he'd survive this- and be able to reunite with the brothers that he loves so much.
His father's beatings are more than anything a human being should have to endure. Sometimes- he's beaten until he's left absolutely dizzy, his body going numb- but he swears to himself- his heart will never give up. And maybe that is the only thing keeping him alive right now- his strength to fight. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan have suffered more than enough- it would shatter them- to find him, only to realize that he was dead on arrival. And James is firm about this- he cannot do that to them. He cannot break them in every way possible- because that is what his death would do to them.
Physical and mental strength combined- James is doing his best to keep himself alive. Wracking his brain for the medical information that Logan has reiterated many times over- that's saved him. He's remembered how to set a broken bone- how to stop bleeding, etc. And he's managed to patch up his wounds to the best of his ability. One could say he owes his life to Logan- because if it weren't for the smaller brunette's insistence on drilling medical techniques into their heads, James would've probably bled out a long time ago.
Sure, he's numb with pain, and his body is riddled with scars of the torture he's been through in the past eighteen months. But his heart is never going to give up. And as long as there is breath in his body, James Diamond is going to fight.
So...what did you guys think? Reviews would be amazing- I'm kinda hesitant on posting this as-is, and I'd love to hear what your opinions were. Anyway- thanks for reading- and I hope you enjoyed.
-Neha