Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures and ITV, "Spiralling" was written by Vince Clarke and Andy Bell … no copyright intended.

*warning – major angst, and a character death/suicide*

The song lyrics are from "Spiralling" by Erasure … the inspiration behind this story. If you don't know the song, try and find it online somewhere so you can hear it.


I try hard to put you out of mind
Every night alone I'm thinking 'bout you
How can I avoid this pain without you?

He stood at the back of the church, watching and listening. She looked beautiful, just as he'd imagined, only it wasn't quite like it had been in his dreams – it wasn't him that she was marrying

Abby had met David just over a year ago, an anomaly had opened at the wildlife sanctuary where he worked and a Gorgosaurus was preying on the animals there that had been brought in for their protection. He was everything Abby needed in a man, kind, caring, witty, strong, and she had fallen for him almost straight away. Connor had tried to find fault in him, had tried to hate him, but couldn't. David was a thoroughly decent bloke who adored Abby and treated her like a princess. It was what she deserved, and Connor knew he'd been a fool for not being more like him. If he had, maybe it would be him saying "I will" at the altar now.

David had never seemed threatened by Connor's presence in Abby's life, and when Connor had suggested moving out of the flat to give them more privacy, David had insisted it wasn't necessary. Abby spent most of the time at David's place anyway, leaving Connor alone in the flat.

The nights were the worst. The emptiness of the flat seemed more pronounced then, and Connor had spent many nights just lying awake in bed, fighting back tears. His mind was full of memories, things that he and Abby had done. They'd been through a lot, saved each other's lives on more than one occasion, and experienced grief and loss together. It should have brought them together, but he just couldn't say the three words Abby needed to hear.

He thought about the first time he'd seen her, in the Forest of Dean. He thought she was beautiful, her white blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes reminded him of an angel. She didn't even give him a second glance back then though, Stephen was the one who had turned her head, but it didn't stop him from hoping. They'd become firm friends, and he thought they would always be together – Connor and Abby – it sounded right.

As the wedding service continued, Connor glanced round at the guests in the church. It was mostly David's family and friends and Connor hardly knew anyone. He could see Jack at the front, he'd given Abby away in the absence of a father, and Sarah was the bridesmaid. Abby had wanted him to be her attendant, a sort of "best man", instead of having a Chief Bridesmaid or Maid of Honour, but Connor knew there was no way he could cope with having to pretend to be happy all day and turned her down. He could see she was hurt, but it was nothing compared to the hurt he was feeling inside.

He was the first person Abby told when David proposed. She was so excited, and he had hugged her, whispering "congratulations" as he held her tighter than he'd held her before. His world was shattered, he was losing her and there was nothing he could do about it. The knife that was already deeply imbedded in his heart gave a final twist as the emotional pain he felt intensified. When she began calling everyone, Connor slipped out of the flat un-noticed and walked down the street. He walked and walked, not really knowing where he was going, until he came to a park. He sat on a swing, in pitch darkness, and sobbed hard for the best part of an hour.


I know that this is something I'll get over
Maybe I can learn to love another
It's just a matter of time
A matter of time

In the weeks that followed, Connor tried to move on with his life. He had to face up to the fact that Abby was going to spend the rest of her life with another man. He tried to keep his feelings hidden, something he was actually good at, and soon everyone was wrapped up in the wedding plans and it was easier for him to slip into the background.

He'd gone out for a few drinks with Danny one night. They'd chatted up a couple of girls in a bar – well, Danny chatted them up, Connor just stood and smiled. Danny disappeared onto the dance floor with the blonde girl, leaving Connor with her friend. Suzy was a nice girl, pretty with long brunette hair. He brought her a drink and chatted to her. She was flirting with him, her fingers touching his arm gently as she spoke. This was new territory for Connor, he didn't know if he wanted this or not … but hesitation had lost him Abby and he wasn't about to make the same mistake. "Do you want to dance?" he asked. He and Suzy spent the rest of the evening dancing, he liked having her warm, soft body against his and when she kissed him, he felt happier than he'd done for weeks.

But Suzy wasn't Abby. After three dates, Connor realized he wasn't ready to accept another girl in his life, and he'd told Suzy he couldn't see her any more. He slipped further into depression, throwing himself into work and avoiding any kind of social occasion.

I won't cry, won't be sorry no more

The month before Abby's wedding, Connor made a big decision about his life. He seemed to snap out of the depression, even enjoying a night out with Abby and David. He could see just how happy he was making her, and that was enough for Connor. It was all he'd ever wanted for her, and if it couldn't be him bringing that smile to her face, then at least someone decent was.

No return, I keep reminding myself
I won't look back
Won't regret a single moment

Connor drove to the beach, about an hour from home. It was a warm, spring morning and the air smelt fresh and new. There weren't many people on the beach that time of day, just a few joggers and a couple of people walking dogs. The beach had always been a happy place for him, and it seemed fitting he should be here today. He sat on a large rock and took off his boots and socks, and then sat lost in his thoughts. It was time. The sea seemed to be beckoning him.

Show me the way
They say safety in numbers
I lift up my eyes to the sky

He walked towards the sea, feeling drawn towards the white foam of the waves crashing against the shore. He continued walking, just like he'd done on the day Abby told him she was engaged, walking and walking. The water was soon up to his chest, the waves splashing against his face. He paused for a moment.

And imagine the host of angels around me
That give me the courage to die

With a deep breath, he began to walk again, onwards. The waves engulfed him. A solitary seagull circled above, crying out, before it headed further out to sea in search of food.

--

Abby stood outside the church. She needed a moment alone. Today was the happiest day of her life, but was tinged with a sadness and regret that her best friend was not here. Connor had been missing for 4 days when they found the car abandoned. The following day, his body was found a couple of miles up the coast, washed in on the high tide. Abby let everyone, including the police, believe his death had been a tragic accident – perhaps he'd been caught out by the high tide, or maybe he'd been exploring the rocks and slipped? – only she knew the truth. The letter Connor had left her explained everything.

"The photographer wants to know if you're going to throw your bouquet" Sarah said. She saw Abby wipe a tear from her cheek.

"No. I'm going to put the flowers on Connor's grave tomorrow" Abby said. Sarah understood the reason for her friend's tears and hugged her. She took Abby's hand and led her back towards the waiting group. For a brief moment, Abby could have sworn she'd seen Connor there, just aside from the main group, and then move away. Surely it was just her imagination? Or had Connor been there in spirit? She hoped so.